Hello,
I would like to know your thoughts on this situation, as I am completely baffled!
I have been married just a little over two years now and awhile ago, my husband told his mother (who he visits regularly and she lives about half an hour away) that he was no longer able to eat dinner over at his parent's house because "his wife wanted him to eat dinner at home". However, I never said such a thing! And of course his mom asked me about it in a smug way, which made things worse.
So I asked him about it and he said that he didn't intend to portray me in this way to his parents and thought that his mom overreacted. I believed him and we discussed trying not to mention things that would be taken the wrong way by people.

However, recently my husband was supposed to receive his quarterly bonus at work. When he didn't receive it on the day it was promised to him, he e-mailed his boss and again mentioned that "his wife was upset that the bonus didn't come because she needed it." Do you why he would do this?! We are fine financially and I would never get upset or feel entitled to money that he earned for working so hard, as I also have a job.
I am completely baffled that a seemingly kind and loving man would portray me as either controlling or money-mongering to people that see me so rarely that their only impression of me is the things that he says. Besides being so puzzling, it is completely tactless and unclassy, which I am shocked to find out about my husband after being together for almost 5 years now!

I am having a hard time getting over this because I am literally embarassed to spend time with his family or his work buddies/boss because of these lies that were spread by my own husband! I guess I'm confused and shocked because I would never say such things and am always looking for ways to make my husband look good, as we're married and we're a team.
I appreciate any insight anyone may have on what is going on and how to deal with it.

Hey, I'm married to one of those! He happily throws me under the bus without a second thought. Ya know what I think it is? They're insecure and need approval, so instead of owning whatever their problem is (not wanting to eat at Mom's anymore, wanting to gripe at the boss), they toss it off as 'the wife's' problem, so that they can continue to get the approval of others as a really nice guy who would never complain about anything.

Pity them.

The solution is to first talk to him about how that makes you feel. Ask him to please stop doing it. Expect that he will continue to do it, and then EXPOSE him. Yeah, you and him go to mom's and then start up the conversation right there. "Mom, I don't know why H said that I didn't want him to eat over here anymore. We've never even discussed it. So honey, why did you tell your mother that?" And then sit back and watch him squirm.

I should add: pick your battles wisely. Understand your husband's need for approval, and when situations come up where you really don't care what the other person thinks of you, let it go. Like for us, I couldn't give two poops what my H's father thinks of me. He's a judgmental jerk anyhow and no amount of me trying to look good in front of him will make him have a higher opinion of me.

But his father's opinion is highly valuable to my husband. So when my husband doesn't want his father around, I'm happy to let him blame it on me. "CWMI is still upset about the last visit, so I don't think it's a good time to visit again. Give it some time, I'll try to get her to come around." I get what I want (that jerk not in my home picking on me for a week), and my husband gets what he wants (his dad not around picking on him, either, and approval from his dad that he WOULD like to have him around, if it was only possible!).

But when it comes to people that I do care what their opinion of me is, I fight for it.

It is hard to deal with a spouse who wants to make you look bad, but once you understand their motivation for it, it's easier to deal with.

Thanks for your insight!

You're probably right about the approval and insecurity issues, however doesn't he understand how he's portraying himself as well?! Passing something off as someone else's problem when he is clearly upset about it doesn't make himself look any more respectable toward his boss or his family. It kinda makes him seem like a pushover that doesn't want to make waves, which he isn't.

I understand the concept of picking my battles however this just seems like a big deal to me. You know, I don't care what other people think of me. I care what they think my husband thinks of me... and this is the conceptual difference.

Thanks again.

I totally get the stuff about what they think your husband thinks of you. I'm right there with you. I get it. Thing is, there's nothing you can do to influence what other people think when you're not around. And if your H is anything like my H, he will never understand the concept that he is making himself look bad by influencing people to believe that he chose to marry a control freak and a greedy person. They just don't get it at all!

Do try to get yourself into situations with him where you can call him out on it. That, to me, has been the most effective way of dealing with it, because what they're doing is avoiding conflict for themselves at the cost of YOU. Once they see that conflict is coming anyway, they tend to deal with things directly and just get it over with.

It's not your problem and you can't fix it, but you can influence him to start dealing with it. At this point, it's probably a knee-jerk reaction for him, and he's going to have to be very conscious of it to change it.