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optin1
What has been your WW's demeanor during these last couple of weeks since DDay? Has she been repentant? Is she truly on board with recovery when only two weeks ago she wanted a divorce?
Sorry for the Q's, but I'm wondering if it's you doing all the work and she is simply placating you to keep the peace.
Just curious.
All Blessings,
Jerry
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optin1
What has been your WW's demeanor during these last couple of weeks since DDay? Has she been repentant? Is she truly on board with recovery when only two weeks ago she wanted a divorce? shinethrough, great question. She is actually about the same. But is willing to work with me. But then that is how she always has been. She is no doubt in a state of shock and going through the withdrawl. She said (about few days ago) that she is very confused and wants to take one day at a time. She is also very very busy at work...I will give her the benefit of the doubt. For now, i am doing bulk of the work... I dont mind it. For now i want her to stick to the rules of engagement and hope that she will be aboard with me in sharing the workload. I really dont know if she is repentant. I know she said she made a mistake and she is guilty and shameful about what she has done. I guess by logic she is repentant. As I said before our son is bonding point at this hour of need. I am still hurt but I think i will survive...(dont want to take any medication such as anti depressents of that sort). I dont want anyone going through what i am going through. It is very very painful.
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optin1
but I'm wondering if it's you doing all the work and she is simply placating you to keep the peace. Could very well be. But at this time, i dont think i have too many options. My first goal is to change my behavior and work for a better relationship. If that does not seduce her i dont know what will.
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OPTIN1, I admire and respect your commitment to the plan a notion of changing yourself. Thanks for answering my q's about demeanor, as it gives me a feel for where your WW is at right now. Here's a quote from Dr H that I believe may be very simular to your WW's feelings that need to be addresed and answered in her mind: My answer to your first question, "did I make the right decision to break up with my lover," is a resounding yes! You have taken the first step toward restoring your love for your husband -- you have completely separated from your lover. As long as you were seeing or communicating with your lover, there was little hope that your feelings for your husband would be revived. But by separating from your lover, you have removed one of the most important obstacles for complete marital recovery -- your lover.
But, as you have already discovered, the first few weeks of separation from a lover are very painful. You are addicted to your lover, and separation from the object of your addiction has triggered symptoms of withdrawal -- a compulsive craving for him with intense feelings of anxiety and depression. However, if you completely avoid seeing or communicating with your lover, those feelings of anxiety and depression will gradually fade. For most people they fade in a few weeks. But even if it takes longer to get through withdrawal, it is absolutely essential to do it if you want to restore your love for your husband.
Remember the Love Bank? If you are to be in love with your husband, he must deposit enough love units into his account in your Love Bank so that it will trigger the feeling of love in you. But since you are depressed while you are getting through withdrawal, it will be almost impossible for him to deposit very many love units. If he is to deposit love units into your Love Bank, you must first get over being depressed so you can associate him with your good feelings.
Once you are through withdrawal, however, you are ready for marital reconciliation because then, and only then, does your husband have a chance to deposit love units. Your mood will improve dramatically, and the effort your husband makes to meet your needs will reap impressive dividends. Before long, you will be in love with him again.
But if you give into your craving before withdrawal has ended, and contact your lover, the period of withdrawal will begin all over again. Those feelings of anxiety and depression will come back with a vengeance. All of your efforts to reconcile with your husband will be wasted, and it will test the limits of your husband's patience. So you must take extraordinary precautions to avoid ever seeing or communicating with him again. Read it carefully and see if it fits with your sitch. If you are convinced, then, perhaps cut it out and print it for your WW to read. She may see herself in there and a light bulb may go off. OTOH, remember always, it IS NOT YOUR JOB TO EDUCATE YOUR WW! IF YOU TRY TO DO SO, SHE WILL REMAIN ANGRY AND RESTFUL AT YOU FOR ATTEMPTING IT. YOU WILL BECOME THE ENEMY!!!! Remain calm and work your Plan A one day at a time. There is much more in front of you, sadly, that will take all of your patience and willpower to survive. And remain in snoop mode looking for continued contact, in any form. Hopefully it won't happen, but as a general rule, it does. All Blessings, Jerry
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OPTIN1,
I admire and respect your commitment to the plan a notion of changing yourself. thanks. it is proving hard as i am doing most, if not all, of the work. But, as you have already discovered, the first few weeks of separation from a lover are very painful. You are addicted to your lover, and separation from the object of your addiction has triggered symptoms of withdrawal -- a compulsive craving for him with intense feelings of anxiety and depression. However, if you completely avoid seeing or communicating with your lover, those feelings of anxiety and depression will gradually fade. For most people they fade in a few weeks. But even if it takes longer to get through withdrawal, it is absolutely essential to do it if you want to restore your love for your husband. ok, this is where it is proving extremely painful for me and my wife. There is NC as of today but she is very tempted and she brought this up again. We ended calling her sister and that was yet another experience for all of us again...living through it one more time. I asked her before we called her. She was fine with it. Atleast she is willing to try something different and i take that as a good sign. We are taking 2 or 3 days at a time. it will be almost impossible for him to deposit very many love units. If he is to deposit love units into your Love Bank, you must first get over being depressed so you can associate him with your good feelings. This is so true. None of my deposits are being recognized. I am still trying every day though. oh, by the way, dont expect anything in return at all. OTOH, remember always, it IS NOT YOUR JOB TO EDUCATE YOUR WW! IF YOU TRY TO DO SO, SHE WILL REMAIN ANGRY AND RESTFUL AT YOU FOR ATTEMPTING IT. YOU WILL BECOME THE ENEMY!!!! ok, i got to back down a bit on this. It is a very delicate balancing act i have to follow. And remain in snoop mode looking for continued contact, in any form. Hopefully it won't happen, but as a general rule, it does. so far it is looking ok, i think. NC. I am trusting but at the same time verifying like you wise folks suggested.
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Your mood will improve dramatically, and the effort your husband makes to meet your needs will reap impressive dividends. Before long, you will be in love with him again. this sounds like a distant dream to me at this point. Not giving up hope but sounds too good to be true. I will definitely read this out to her later this evening. thanks.
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optin1,
The words I quoted to you were not mine, but rather, Dr. Harleys's.
That is why I still encourage you to counsel with him or Steve or Jenifer.
If you cancel your current C could you think about you and WW doing C with them?
Their plans and counseling in this is far and away the best you could do for your M. They run at 185 dollars an hour, but are worth a million.
Plese give this serious thought. I've only quoted the good Dr. himself. These are not my pearls of wisdom, but his.
What do you think?
You can't go wrong with him or Steve or Jenifer.
All Blessings,
Jerry
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on Tuesday 10/22 my husband found out about my affair. He has not been home since though we've had daily conversations, some helpful some not. After letting everyone in his family know he immediately let his friends know what we were facing before he even knew what I had done. Of course he had self concluded that the wrong I did was sexual,though it was not. I had an emotional affair that was ended when the man I was talking with had other intentions (sexual) which I not looking for. So with everyone involved and opinions flying about the truth and the damage I have done my husband cannot let go and trust that no sexual acts were performed. Still, what I have done is selfish and has caused so much pain in our lives and has ruined our anniversary .. To my point. He was directed not to ask for details just to get yes or no questions. All of which I answered truthfully. Now time has worn away his rational thinking and he's asking me for the whole story front to back and to include every detail .. I am sure that we can't possbily get anywhere with this information as I've already told him the truth to all that matters. Are details necessary? Can we move on from this without him having a second by second recollection of everything? He brought up that how is he supposed to forgive me if he doesn't know everything he's forgiving me for. With the major questions answered- was there sex (in any form) and had the man been in our house and how long had this been going on.. Is the rest worth mentioning?
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optin1,
The words I quoted to you were not mine, but rather, Dr. Harleys's. I know they are. But i wanted to point out that some things apply 100% in my case and some dont. In my case, i love my wife and she doesnt (atleast that's what she says). I think my wife needs to decide which way she wants to go...right now she is in a state of fog (my interpretation anyway) and we just have to take it one day at a time. If you cancel your current C could you think about you and WW doing C with them? I want to proceed with current C for a good reason. I liked the C i met. I think i can get some help. If that doesnt work, then obviously i will seriously consider Harley's As someone said before it is a classic emotional roller coaster ride for me everyday.
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Direction
You need to start your own post. Then you will get noticed. When you come to someones thread and post your problem the thread will become unworkable with two separate problems.
Also a good place to post will be in general.
Last edited by TheRoad; 10/26/08 06:43 PM.
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I have an update or so i think. We have been talking everyday. There is still NC but it is extremely hard for both of us. We both are going through ups and down everyday. We have Plan A in force and are in between "After A" and "Recovery". My struggle is trying to convince my wife to put her heart and soul into making this work. If she cannot committ to that i dont know what good a counselling can do.
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Can we move on from this without him having a second by second recollection of everything? He brought up that how is he supposed to forgive me if he doesn't know everything he's forgiving me for. With the major questions answered- was there sex (in any form) and had the man been in our house and how long had this been going on.. Is the rest worth mentioning? Yes, tell all. You can't move on until he knows everything. 100% honest. Snoop around and you will hear that resoundingly on these boards. Also, start your own thread like someone else already mentioned. You don't want to hijack someone else's thread.
Me: 32 BS DDay: 9/14/08
Slowly coming to the realization that I
am one of those who can't get past it.
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I have an update or so i think. We have been talking everyday. There is still NC but it is extremely hard for both of us. We both are going through ups and down everyday. We have Plan A in force and are in between "After A" and "Recovery". My struggle is trying to convince my wife to put her heart and soul into making this work. If she cannot committ to that i dont know what good a counselling can do. Please refer to the Marriage builders articles. You need to understand that love deposits will not be recognized by a WS while they are in depression. However, it is a good sign that your WW is depressed as this is indication that she genuinely is in NC. If I may suggest a method that other waywards have used to positive effect. Invite your wife to write an account of all that transpired. This may help her to crystallize her thoughts as well as vent her feelings. The log may be later accessed by yourself when you feel that you need to clarify detail. Just to remind you that recovery is a slow process. Gratefully, this was not a long term affair therefor hopefully the recovery will be brisker than the rule-of-thumb two year period. You will benefit enormously if you read Hikers articles in the General(II) forum.
But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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Please refer to the Marriage builders articles. You need to understand that love deposits will not be recognized by a WS while they are in depression. However, it is a good sign that your WW is depressed as this is indication that she genuinely is in NC. thanks imagine. I will do that. I didnt realise that Love deposits will not be recognized by a WS while they are in depression. Does it mean i should stop making deposits or take it easy ? It seemed unnatural to me at first but getting used to it now. And i have asked my wife if she felt unnatural and she said yes. If I may suggest a method that other waywards have used to positive effect. Invite your wife to write an account of all that transpired. This may help her to crystallize her thoughts as well as vent her feelings. I will tell her that. Sounds like a GOOD idea to me and she will be happy that i am willing to encourage her to share her feelings she feels are very important to her right now. Honestly i could not have done that 3 weeks ago but now I feel different (alteast thinking more clearly). Just to remind you that recovery is a slow process. yes. understood. I still go through lots of ups and down in any given day. And i have started to think that if i truely love her, which i know i do, i should be in a position to respect her wishes and do what it takes to help her as a friend. I know it is easy for me to say it but will be really hard for me to actually do it.
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I would not expect too much cooperation from your WW initially. Follow Gods word to LOVE your wife. Be consistent. Continue FOR EVER to deposit love units.
Please note that love units alone do not protect a marriage. Do find time to read Hiker's thread on Romantic affairs in the General Questions forum.
You and I have a lot to learn.
Interim advice:
Draw close to God. Fast and pray.
Be attractive - not needy, judgmental, depressed, chasing after her and asking questions, no lecturing, etc.
Be firm but gentle... affirm that you are uncompromisingly fighting for your marriage.
No lovebusters. I heard that 1 LB approx. equals the negation of 5 love units.
You need to vent here NOT at home.
Initially spend a minimum of 25 hours a week with your WW. Later this tones down to 15 hours.
Reading list:
The articles on this site.
Surviving an affair.
The five languages of love.
His Needs/Her needs.
Fall in love Stay in love.
But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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Be consistent. Continue FOR EVER to deposit love units. will do. Do find time to read Hiker's thread on Romantic affairs in the General Questions forum. sorry but i have tough time seraching by the Author Hiker's. Any direct links/suggestions to those threads ? read this one twice already. Makes me feel think so much more clearly now.
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sorry but i have tough time seraching by the Author Hiker's. Any direct links/suggestions to those threads ? I'm not too sure how to use the links. The poster is Hiker45 and was on page three of general questions. It has a five star rating which makes it easy to trace.
But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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