Currently, I am active duty military deployed overseas in a war zone. I have one month and two weeks remaining in my deployment.

For the last three weeks, I have been having an affair. I take full responsibility for my actions and am horrified at what I have done. I have no excuses. My husband is a wonderful man who certainly does not deserve this atrocious treatment. The affair is over. The other man is out of country and we are not in contact by my choice.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Having an affair is so totally out of character for me that I can't quite believe it happened, but I know it did. Sometimes I think it's just a terrible dream and I'll wake up. Right now, I am completely re-evaluating myself as a human being and am stumbling around in confusion over how this happened.

Here's my question. Should I tell my husband now over the phone or by letter? Or should I wait until I get home? My husband has always told me that an affair would instantly = divorce. I am terrified of coming home to an empty house even though I know it's what I deserve. What say you?

Hm. Well, what would you prefer if it were your H having an affair? To be misled for another month and a half? Or be told right away?

Would you rather that your H just do whatever was more comfortable for HIM?

even though your H has told you that affair = Divorce, he might re-evaluate that decision once it comes time to really deal with an affair.

I always told myself that if my W cheated on me that everything would be over instantly, but here I am trying to end the affair and heal my marriage.

You must tell your BH. But being your out of the country, the OM is out of that country, you'll be home in six weeks.

Considering these things I think it best to wait till you get home. Your BH, if you tell him now will go crazy. He'll have no proof there is NC. Don't expect him to believe that. He can't be there to confirm it.

Your BH will also have a lot of questions about the affair. To regain his trust you will need to be truthful when he asks for details.

I assume the affair was with a fellow soldier. To recover you must go NC, no contact forever. If you are from the same unit or base or what ever back home you will need to get yourself transfered away to have NC.

Was the OM married/GF? Then you must tell her also. But again wait til you get home.

Read this book before you confess.

Have them mail it to you.

Good luck.

Definitely do the reading and be very knowledgeable about your own actions and also the state of your marriage before you deployed.

I weigh in on the side of waiting until you are back home. I discovered my H's affair while he was deployed and it was extremely diffficult to endure the 3 months time until he returned. We were mostly speaking on the phone with no nonverbal cues and no interpretation of body language. It was hard to talk that way and be really sure of what we were saying. Also, there was the contact issue - when was he seeing, talking to her, were they still having sex, etc. very difficult.

BTW, I had always told my husband affair = divorce. But 6.5 months after D-day, we are still working at the M. I will say that I think Divorce may be the coward's way out. Recovery is no walk in the park.

Good luck. I hope you and your H can get it together.

AM