I have never cheated on my wife and never will, but I came close a few months ago and it's still eating me alive with guilt. An old girlfriend who I hadn't seen in years. After a few glasses of wine we started the "do you remember when" conversation and it evolved into brief kissing. No sex, no clothes removed, etc. but I've been feeling progressively worse about it. No way can I tell my wife but the good news is it's made me closer to her than ever before.

I've been to a couple of strip clubs with clients over the years where more "grinding" occurred and while it's not right, it hasn't made me feel this bad.

I know some of the guilt is because I'm going through a job transition right now and fighting off depression but the anxiety and panic attacks about this dishonesty are eating me alive. I'm so thankful I didn't let it go any further than it did but I know it was still wrong.

any advice is appreciated.

So, why don't you trust your wife?

i trust her completely and know she would never do something like this but telling her would devastate her. She had a previous marriage to someone who did this frequently and has a tendency to overreact. Our marriage is great but i had a tremendous wake-up call with this incident - i won't even look innocently at someone walking by in a bikini now!

So, if you trust your wife, why lie to her?

Riddled,

Don't want to put words in Pep's mouth, but what I think she's asking you to think about is why you won't tell your wife the truth? Ask for her help with this temptation you struggled with. She'd rather hear that you caught yourself in time and came to her as a partner to help you than find out later that it turned into an affair.

But I wonder if there isn't more... Have you done anything else that makes this more complicated? Like, maybe, arranged to see this old girlfriend again? Or kept her phone number so you could? Or told her what's wrong with your marriage? Your wife wouldn't like that, so the WHOLE truth might not be so simple.

What's the rest of the story?

I understand the comments. No, there isn't any more to it. I've had absolutely no contact with her and no intention. Our marriage isn't perfect and there's not much excitement in the bedroom but given both of our high stress work schedules, it's not that unusual (according to friends I've talked to and articles I've read). we still love each other very much after 11 years and are definitely best friends and very good to/for each other. It's just that she's always been able to say "i know i never have to worry about you" and I'm feeling guilty for betraying this even though I can say with 100% confidence that i will never put myself in a position like that again.

Funny, I was a wild man in my youth and always hoped something would happen as I aged to change my life, make me a better Christian and a better person and as I turn 50 now, i wonder if this is it? Started going to church more frequently and doing a lot more charity work. Trying to get rid of the ego and need for material things to prove my worth (self) and liking the direction things are going.

Sorry to be long-winded but I haven't been able to talk with anyone about this and this is really helping just get it off my chest. It happened 7 months ago and while I felt bad immediately, it didn't start eating at me until a couple of weeks ago. I comforted myself at first with "thank God it didn't go any further" but given some panic/anxiety issues I'm dealing with now about the job loss and economy, it's easy to start dwelling on every negative thing I can think of. Planning to see someone bout it this week.

FYI-

We lie to our spouse when we don't trust them to handle the truth OUR WAY.

It is very disrespectful.

The continued lie will damage your marriage.

I could potentially see a time in the distant future when telling her might be the thing to do but can't see the benefit of it now. She's not the type that would take it well and could do irreparable damage - right or not.

Riddled,

Sorry for the assumptions, but usually there IS more. You just might be one of the few who can catch this at the beginning of the downward slide and improve your marriage at the same time.

I know, you said your marriage is good, but if your conscience is bothering you, and you really do love your wife, and she really loves you, why do you think she would be "devastated" to learn that you had a close call and want to improve your relationship in every way you can so as not to be vulnerable ever again?

Know what I think? I think you're rattled that you could do what you did, have pulled back in horror, and are trying your best to be a good husband. But your wife is in la la land over this and has no reason to understand that this is a time when SHE should be circling the wagons too. Why deprive her of that opportunity for both of you? Why not work on things together?

You mentioned the ho-hum sex that most of us find ourselves in by middle age (and often sooner). You mentioned you're both stressed out. Those things ARE common, but I learned the hard way that they are deadly over time.

You are in a perfect position to stop the slide of ho-hum and shift into high gear to make your marriage more like it was in the beginning, only better. Without the crisis of an all-out affair (and who's to say your WIFE isn't vulnerable right now? YOU were!) you can build without all that heartache to overcome. Don't tell me she'd never do that. You came perilously close. She's human too, and no doubt feeling the same stress and ennui you were.

Read all the articles on this site and get yourself a copy of His Needs, Her Needs (cheaper on this site than at the bookstore) and show it all to your wife. Discuss it with her. Perfect way to show her you mean business about deepening your relationship after your near-miss.

Show her your heart. And your efforts to go deeper. Chances are, she'd love to join you.

thanks - a lot of truth in what you write and I appreciate it.

See, you don't trust your wife.

This is a wedge that widens with time.

Just so you know - I don't think you're a bad guy, just a guy who did something bad.

But what is worse than doing something bad? .... trying to cover it up!

So, Riddled. What'cha gonna do?

is she too stupid or mentally impaired to handle truth? What is wrong with her that you won't tell her the truth about her own life? Is she a stupid woman?

Of course she wouldn't take it well. Of course it will cause irreparable damage. Adultery always does. It doesn't matter if you tell her now or next week: she WILL be devastated. But the damage has already been done. You cause further damage by maintaining this lie and pretending like she too stupid to handle truth, though.

You compound the crime with your continued DECEIT.

The solution is HONESTY, not more lies. The longer you wait the greater the harm because she will find out you decieved her all this time. That will NOT set well. Many betrayed spouses resent the LIES as much as they do the adultery.

Now Mel, don't get all in an uproar. After all, he says "No way can I tell my wife but the good news is it's made me closer to her than ever before."

So his almost affair has made them closer. It was almost a GOOD thing. So what if he is living a big fat lie? It is all up to him to make the big decisions in her life.

So, why do you feel you have the right to manipulate your wife?

riddled,

Here's the real deal.

1. You are riddled with guilt: true enough.

2. You are not afraid that your wife will handle this badly, you are afraid your wife will be so pissed off at you that you will get kicked out for kissing some other woman. That is closer to the truth - the fact is, YOU can't handle the truth, that you have this fear. Face it.

3. The likelihood is that your wife will be devastated. True.

4. The next step for your wife after devastation CAN be something other than kicking you out, if you tell her in the right way. There are options here, that you have not considered, including:

a. Waiting around for that ex-girlfriend to contact you by phone or email, and your WIFE getting that message by mistake. Now wouldn't THAT be a lovely way to let your wife know about what happened?????

b. Telling your wife in the heat of a very angry fight, when you are good and mad about something completely different, and you hit her with this lovebuster that there actually IS someone out there who might be more interested in you than she is, and as a matter of fact, you have KISSED her, so there!

c. Telling your wife after you have built up a huge pile of guilt and anxiety, convinced yourself that she cannot handle it, and made yourself resent your wife for being such a wimp and helpless woman that you have to live with her......and you begin to see how weak she has become, and maybe that other woman starts looking pretty good after all.....and maybe you just did decide to contact her....and now, you think maybe that grass is greener......

d. Telling your wife now, after you have gained some understanding of how to do this in a loving way, and in a way that supports her and allows you to take your hits and also understand that she can and will make it through to the other side of the pain you have caused. Telling her now, and giving her the honor she deserves to be able to work with you as a TEAM, to build the marriage so that BOTH OF YOU can make that marriage into a haven, and neither of you will even consider another partner for meeting emotional needs.


5. You have not given any thought to the idea that your wife has a right to know what happened - in the context that if the tables were turned, YOU would be totally onboard for wanting to be told. Because YOU would want to do everything you could for working to be a better spouse, so that you could improve that marriage - and you are NOT EVEN GIVING YOUR WIFE THIS CHANCE - YOU ARE CHEATING HER OUT OF IMPROVING HERSELF, and improving the marriage.

6. I see the continued lie as the ultimate act of betrayal. How do you possibly justify this as a "loving" act, or as anything close to "building" the relationship - when it completely goes against the basic building block of any marriage, which is HONESTY?



Just some things to think about. I'm not usually hard when I swing a 2X4, but, your thinking is exactly what my H said when he was having his affair. And his grand plan was that he would never tell me. He planned that he would go through his life with this secret between us, and la-la-la...........


How in the world would I have ever made any changes?
How in the world would I have ever known that he desired me to make any changes?

His plan was to SAY NOTHING????????


For the love of all things holy, tell the woman. Save yourself and the marriage.


Sheesh.


SB

Trust me, she already knows something is up. You, by your own words have changed! she knows but can't put her finger on it, and if you think it will be a secret forever you could be wrong, there was another party involved in this, its a small world, she'll run into someone or you'll slip up by saying something. And why would you think that adultry means taking off your clothes? making light of "just kissing"
shame on you for keeping your wife in the dark about why you won't look at a women in a bikini or your going to church more or the fact that your "loving" your wife more, she deserves to know, THIS IS WHY THE GUILT IS EATING AT YOU, but go to someone who will tell you that its ok to keep it a secret, that its ok to LIE by omission, or that your wife is not worth the truth.
You said she was/is your best friend? then don't lie to her.

lying is about protecting YOU not HER!

So, seriously Riddled, are you going to give your wife the gift of honesty and invite her to deepen your marriage together?