I know it's not to terribly uncommon, but since it's happened to me I feel alone and confused. <BR>My wife confessed she was in love with a mutual "friend" after I found love letters they'd been exchanging for at least three weeks. The letters were horribly painful to read but I couldn't pull myself away from a single page. I was caught totally off guard.<BR>It's been about 4 months. We've been seeing a marriage counsellor who is well-versed in Dr. H's methods. <BR>We've addressed issues that my wife has brought up about my "love busters." She's been right-on. Now she's commending me for my efforts in changing my behavior, but she's still in love with the OM. She's told me she'd stop seeing or calling him so we could evaluate our marriage on it's own merits without the emotional drain off of this OM. But she has caved in in the past many time and call him or meets him for lunch during the day. <BR>She can't stay away from him and it makes her feel awful. She say's she doesn't deserve my kindness and I deserve someone who can love me the way she no longer can.<BR>Frankly, there are times I start to believe her... But we have two toddlers at home. We both love them so much. In fact, we are both decisively on the same page when it come to parenting.<BR>To make matters more complicated... it's been discovered that she is suffering from moderate to severe depression. She is reluctant to take anti-depressents, but is likely to on the advice of two therapists and her Medical Dr. <BR>My question is this...<BR>I can't bare to resort to "Plan B" yet under these circumstances. Even though she has found it impossible, so far, to stay away from the OM, I am deeply in love with her. I can't imagine abandoning her or spending less time with our kids while she is suffering from this depression. <BR>What can (should) I do?<BR>-Declan

Declan 3 weeks is not that much time, and in the begining, it seems very, very difficult for the betrayer to stay away from the op, no matter how honest he/she is about trying.<BR>My H's on and off phase lasted about 4 months. He would decide he wanted to work on our marriage, stay away from her for a while, and then withdrawl would start getting to him, and either he would just cave, or she would iniciate contact, no matter what happened, he would end up meeting her. And then things would start again( wanting to end it, try, see her again) the good news was that every time it happened, the period of staying away from her would get bigger, untill he was finally able to end it completely.<P>At this point,it helps to take a look back into our marriage, and try to find any weak points that might be there from before the affair. Work on them if possible, and keep showing our confidence that things can be solved. <P>One of the problems with ending an affair, I think - from what I noticed in my H - is that the betrayer is not very realistic ( or else the affair would not have happened ). He/she expects that as soon as a decision to rebuild is reached, everything will start working perfectly and all the feelings that seemed to have disapeared, will reappear just like that. For that reason they are not prepared for the fact that they will miss the op, and will not have their marriages working perfectly just like that.<P>It is also time to really think about what we want and how much can we take. If after thinking about it we still want our marriage to work, the idea is to use plan a, and try to fulfill our spouse's needs - even when sometimes they seem not to be accepting that - so it will be easier for them to end up the affair and feel like they really want to stay with us.<P>You guys are already doing something positive, you are not only in counseling, but communicating as well. <BR>Give it a bit longer for your wife to be able to stay away form the om.<BR>I wonder what is happening with the friendship? Is it still on, or have you broken contact with your friend as well?<P>DO take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.<p>[This message has been edited by Kat1 (edited October 18, 1999).]

Don't give up! Don't give up! Don't give up! Like Kat said there are many things going for you. Sometimes these things take time and because you two are communicating you have a good chance of coming out of this together and stronger. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Joan <P>"Turn your wounds into wisdom..." That really cool black gal who was on Oprah all summer.<BR>

I know how you feel since it has been 63 days since my Day of Discovery. I also have two children, 10 and 6, who seem to occupy all of her time. Hang in there, it does get easier as time goes by. My w's withdrawal is the hardest part to take since I am constantly wondering if she has contacted him or vice versa. I trying to take this withdrawal/recovery in three month stages. She still cannot make a commitment to our future. The OM "was" also a very good friend of mine since we went on numerous hunting trips together.<P>------------------<BR>tanker0076<BR>

I have to say it too, don't give up. I know it sounds drastic, but I would even suggest moving. Get her away from the OM. Even if she is able to stay away from him, he is also going to have to go through withdrawal, and will likely contact her from time to time.

Thank you all for your encouragement. The best part of this site for me is it reminds me that I'm not alone. In fact, it's eye opening to see how so many of our experiences are EXACTLY the same. <BR>But knowing how typical my wife's actions are and how predictable her next actions are, haven't helped me with my next step. At least I'm having trouble seeing anything very clearly.<P>Kat:<BR>The OM has agreed not to call my wife. But he accepts calls from her and on occassion will meet her for lunch. He says he's in love with her, but wants her to have space to make her own decision without his interference. My wife has agreed not to call or see him, but admits she can't imagine her love for him ever fading. And she does see him and talk to him on the phone occassionally. Her sadness and longing for him honestly saddens me. The children (2 and 4) notice how sad Mommy is.<BR>Sometimes she's fine but I assume it's after she's called him and recharged her batteries.<BR>As far as my former friend (the OM), he's been lonely for a long time, until now. He said he was willing to take his feelings "to the grave" until my wife disclosed to him her love for him. I've spoken to him twice over the last 4 months. We were civil and honest. He's terribly sorry for the pain he's caused, but he can't deny how he feels. I've told him that his feelings are real to him but still absolutely innappropriate and that he needs to shove off. The message I got across was "I'm trying to repair a hurting marriage. There is no place for him in our lives right now."<BR>Unfortunately, my words go in one ear and out the other. The best thing for OM to do is to not accept my W's calls. But he thinks he;'s rescuing her. Mutual friends of ours tell me I'm being too easy on him. I owe my wife gentle care and understanding, but not him. It's easy though not to confront him since he's been keeping his distance.<BR>It's been about 4 months of Plan A. My wife's issues had been lack of attention and respect. Now that I'm sincerely attentive and respectful, she hardly notices. In fact, she's often repelled by my attention. I'm convinced it's due to her feeling for OM. I think she would be much more enthusistic about rekindling a romantic relationship if HE were out of the picture.<BR>Now she avoids me, walks out of a room if I enter it, resists making eye contact and is careful to never tell me anything that I could interpret as hopeful.<BR>Joan:<BR>Thank you for your encouragement. It's really helpful for my moral. I need that desperately. You're right. If we get through this, we definitely will come out of it stronger. But that's a big "IF."<P>Tanker: <BR>I read your profile and feel a kinship. It's been 132 days since I confronted my wife with letters I had found. There have been good days and many more bad ones. It's so hard to continue. She tells me of good intentions then failed attempts to avoid the OM. When I don't know where she is, I assume the worst. It drives me crazy. I've never been an insecure person, but I'm turning into someone I'm really not very proud of. I'm convinced I'd become a stalker if it weren't for taking care of the kids on the occassionial evening when she takes her dance class. I'm needy (even when I'm trying not to be) and overcome with grief when I least expect it. (ewwwwwww! yuck! It's not pretty.)<BR>It's tough when it was only a very few months ago that we were making plans for our future together and gazing into eachother's eyes. ... How quickly thing's change.<BR>Sorina:<BR>I wish we could move. I'm sure she wouldn't agree to it. She'll tell me that the the hardest part of not seeing the OM is that she's not sure she wants to save the marriage. But she's agreed to try, so that the kids will know that she didn't just walk away... I've told her that she "walking away" by not giving us a fair shot. If we can't see if our marriage can survive on it's own merits, and if she refuses to give it a fighting chance because of another man, she's walking away. She agrees, but sometimes I think she agrees because she's tired of talking. I usually find out that she's contacted him within a week of agreeing not to.

I've seen by the recent posts that there are so many people in the same situation. Has anyone out there ever rekindled their love with their betraying spouse after they thought there was no hope? Can things really be better than ever before? Where are the success stories? My wife is so withdrawn from me and any attempts I've made over the past four months to repair the damage to our marriage are met with contempt and impatience. The OM gives her everything she needs. He won't back off, yet he won't initiate a call. He says he wants to give her "space" to work things out (because he loves her sooooo much). She isn't able or willing to avoid calling, and he takes her calls and gives her everything she needs.