After nine years she just had her second affair.

She won’t admit to it, but it is all the typical signs. Numerous phone calls, caught them in an intimate conversation at a party. Overheard a conversation about their “relationship”. She refuses to let me hold her cell phone, and keeps it with her at all times. She disappeared for three hour Saturday night and gives me a story that is so full of BS I can’t even repeat it.

Last time I had plenty of Intel and was able to prove that she had an affair. This time it is all being conducted with a cell phone and SMS which I have no control over. So I will probably never have proof unless it continues.

I do believe this was a ONS and will not occur again, but you know how that goes. That is good in the fact I don’t have to get dragged through the mud for months this time, and bad in the fact I will never be able to prove it.

I have begged her to tell me the truth. Give me a little credit and know that I am on her side and that I want the marriage to work.

What she wants is for me to buy this load of BS and just move on, she has done nothing wrong. I want the truth so we can really fix our marriage this time.

Scenarios:

• Ok, so this is a ONS (assumption) I man up and push it into a corner of my mind and cry inside for years while I accept this AGAIN.
• This affair continues, she gets caught red handed and then we either fix our marriage or Plan D.
• Go straight to plan D.

Here is where I am confused. Marriage builders, plan A, B, 180, all that stuff is aimed at ending the affair. What if it is over and she never admits to any wrongdoing and this just gets pushed under the rug?

How do I deal with that?

Background:
Married 15 years, 2 children DD 12, DS 10, me 40 her 37. Her first affair was with a co-worker in 1999.

This is the furst job she has had since the last affair where there are available men. The very first time she gets in a position to interact with attractive men on a daily basis she has an affair.

Place the voice activated recorder in her car and get solid evidence, then straight to plan B.

She will need to immediately move out and stay until she can agree to MC.

Plan D will cause you to lose at least half of everything, the whole house, it's payment will be your's 100% and pay CS all the while she plays with her boy toys.

Pariah gave you great advice.

Solid Plan A while you gather intel.
Put a GPS on her car, too, so you know where she's been when she disappears for 3 or 4 hours again.

Then straight to plan B.

speak to an attorney immediately.

stat preparing for divorce.

your kids need to be told the truth about both of her affairs.

get ready for divorce as this woman will never be worthy of your love. she is a bad person, bad mother and bad risk.

the only thing worse than you having to deal with this second affair is having to deal with a third. And, sorry to say, but you can bet the house that your wife has had significantly more than two affairs. Most likely she is been screwing around your entire marriage.

When you see one roach, there are more hiding behind the walls.

If you want to make this work, give her ONE chance to come clean. Polygraph her....and post nuptial.

Man up and show her you will not be pushed around any longer.

After you have gathered proof of her affair, do a wide and surprise exposure to any and everyone.

I have another post about the car recorder and that will go in as soon as I get home (travel on business).

I am out of town six nights a month, so best case we split the kids time between us.

Money really isn't a concern this time around. I am fully prepared to make sure she and my children are well taken care of, and I don't really need to protect my assets. She can have half, I am fine with the other half.

So she will admit nothing, absolutely nothing, so I guess I just have to stop with asking her that and from an outward appearance act like I have swallowed this load of crap? How do you plan A when I am basically saying I don't believe you, but I am still here and am being a great husband.

It's hard to leave someone that you love so much. I just hate it for the kids.

I am out of town until Thursday, so whats the plan when I fly back into town?

I will put the recorder in before she leaves for work on Friday. I just go in and say I don't believe you, but I am here and I am going to be the best husband in town?

What if it is over? I'll get nothing. Most of me wants it to be over, but the other small percentage wants it to be ongoing so I can catch her.

I do think this is the only one since the last time, she has been a SAHM, and there has been nothing fishy going on at all. Actually things seemed to be great. I guess I was wrong again.

Thats what scares me the most.

Have you hired a PI to follow her yet?

Not yet, this just happened Saturday night/ Sunday morning. I didn't see it coming, and I don't know when this could be going on.

I can't get too specific, but this guy is 13 years her junior and only works with her doing their season. She is at home every night, but has stayed late several nights, but only until 7 or so. There has not been any late night outings or "going out with friends". The thing is my daughter is at the place she works most afternoons and she brings her home with her. I assume they are slipping out between 5:30 and 7:00. Without a PI being able to get in the building, I don't know what he would see, but I guess if they left he could see that.

Typing that out, it makes sense. If the voice recorder does not get something by Monday afternoon I will hire one.

I will do the background and find someone now.

As a guy it is so helpful to have something to "work On". So this gives me something to work on.

The recorder in the car will produce a toxic friend cheerleading her on. There's always a toad in the background living out their fantasy through another adulterer.

It's how I discovered my wife's plot to have me killed.

BTW, there's nothing wrong in providing for your children, but ALL financial support is to be cut off from your wife. Clean out all but half from your accounts immediately.

You absolutely can have no part in supporting her lies.

Does her second adultery (that you know about) anger you?

Yes it makes me very angry.

Angry at her for doing this to me and our kids, and angry at myself for not getting out last time and not having the strength to leave my family this time.

I have to recommend plan D.

Keep it under wraps as long as you can, then spring it on her all at once.

You don't leave - she does. In fact, she's already gone.

She doesn't admit she did anything wrong and I have no proof to the contrary. (yet)

The story is complete BS and I know it is a lie, but of course she has a story. So her new story is I broke up the marriage becuase I don't trust her.

I know plan D is the answer, that's a tough one to mentally execute.

If I could get full disclosure I would work through it, and hopefully find out what causes her to stray. But that is never going to happen. She never said the words last time, and there was no denying that one. I had the proof.

I really wish I had access to that damn phone. The sms messages alone would be enough.

You are not in a court of law. You do not need proof. You are judge, jury, and executioner.

The fact that she won't let you have her phone is almost as good as a high-def video of her banging OM. It is PROOF.

This is the second affair that you know of.

It's easy for an outsider to say, but you should put her [censored] out on the street. Let OM take care of her.

She strays because she covets.

She feeds off the power of the thrill of the affair.

She's toxic and you need to cut that smoldering hulk loose before it drags you to the bottom too.

Gotta agree with Krazy ... is there REALLY any doubt in your mind what is going on???

If the phone bothers you that much, and you really need undeniable proof to proceed towards Plan D ... then I'd "physically take" the damn phone from her.

I can hear the screams from other posters right now ... but seriously, you're not looking to R, you're looking for proof to ease your own conscience that you're doing the right thing by D'ing her.

She has to put her purse down at some point ... JUST TAKE IT!!!

At this point, she's still your W and its marital property.

Ok, here's the thing: your WW is at the very least willingly CHOOSING to be dishonest with you. She's willingly CHOOSING to keep secrets from you. And, worst of all, she's doing this, knowing the damage that her previous A caused to your M.

In my view, further proof of whether or not an A is happening is only required if you actually need it for the D proceedings in order to get some advantage in the process, or if you just want the truth.

Because IMO your plan now should be Plan D.

I agree...I'd grab it right out of her hand.

I'd take the phone too.
She sleeps sometimes, yes?
Showers?

Just be aware that she might be keeping the phone history cleaned out.

Can you get copies of the cellphone bill that at least show how many text messages are going back and forth, and perhaps with what other number?