I think you need to post the lap dance link on the goddess thread, just for reference.

Also, don't have any expectations because of what he said to the neighbor. Remember, NO EXPECTATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I DO think you should go to Thanksgiving with your family. You can get through without sniveling. Staying dark in Plan B is HARD. Get all the support you can.

Jumping on quickly, H is here again, didn't think he would be here.

H met us at DS10 Football game, took us to dinner afterwords. When we got ready to leave we all went to our cars. DD17 and DS10 kept asking H to come over or stay the night since he'd be back in the morning. He seemed like he was confused, didn't want to let kids down and was making excuses that he needed to get home to finish his reports but DD17 says well do them at our house we have plugs for your computer too. Finally I felt almost bad for him so I say ok kids give dad hugs we need to go. H says well I can come over for a little while, I say are you sure I know your tired. He says well either way I'll be tired, so he came over again.

Back later if there is anything to update.

You think the kids should have pressed him like that? I had nothing to do with it. They get in the car and look at each other and laugh and say we got a plan. Were gonna try to get him to stay mom. Oh boy. I say hey you guys look don't be upset if he doesn't, he has a girlfriend and I do not want you both upset if he has to go.

Plan A = do not protect the WS from the consequences of their sin

Oh good point I had not thought of it that way. I guess I just didn't want him to think I put the kids up to it. I try to kinda not get their hopes up because I don't want them to be let down.
Good point, don't protect them from reaping the consequences of their actions

You are doing such a fab job that all we have left to do is nitpick, lol!

I mean, he's moved out and you're able to Plan A virtually as well as if he were living at home, cuz except for what little sleep he gets, he basically IS living at home. (He's living at home, and just existing with her. )

Whether you see an immediate effect or not, Plan B is going to be like an H-bomb to him. Also, congratulations on the um non-problem.

:pumkin:

OMG you guys, so kids begged him to stay, he is now sleeping with my DS10 who is on cloud 9. I did however give a nice big hint about sneaking into my room tonight! LOL

Wonder what stupid lie he told OW LOLOLOLOOLOLOLLLLL

The night AFTER I a-hem seducedhimbygettinghimdrunk I went up to him and said "I'm not going to make a big deal about it but you know where my bed is, good night".

He was there about 10 mins later.

Try it

He's dooooooooooommmmmmmed.

It the totally right way.
(le sigh)

You need to change your thread name.

YOU.

are.

not.

the.

crazy.

one.



(giggle)

Whew, OK he's gone. LOL. I never thought I'd say that about my H.
So I'ze gots lots of stuff for you guys. Some stuff good some stuff irritating but WHATEVA!

So re-cap the kids begged him to stay, he came over for a bit then decided to stay. He was so exhausted(which he seems to be all the time)I think the double life and hour drive is hard on him-not that I care since he chose to move in with the skank!

Anyways, about 6 AM I wake up and go get him to come into my room for a bit of morning SF! Sorry I know it seems like geez, but remember this is a 180 for and I've hardly had any contact with him for over 5 months except at the start of the Plan A on Oct 3rd. So he joins me in my bed.

We actually 1st hold each other and then end holding each other and he says wow is the hugging okay and I say are you joking? He says well our 1st SF you said thanks and kicked me out(LOL) I respond well its just that I am protecting myself and trying not to let myself get emotionally hurt, but I love nothing more than hugging you.

We continue to talk about all kinds of stuff like family, church stuff and even bits of the A which I didn't really bring up. I tell him how Pastor had called me during August and said he was proud of the way I had handled my self and the way I am raising the kids and that he has tremendous respect for me. H respond, I have tremendous respect for you too, you have done well.

We get up get dressed have some coffee and muffins and talk some more. Here's where it gets kinda screwy. so we talk about mutual friends in similar situations and how they went to Match.com and I say that I refuse to do that especially right now and that I don't need a person next to me to feel okay with myself and that it's a form of self medication by dating so quickly. I would never date until I was to a place where I am okay being single(should we be talking about that??)

Then we talk about how women bring strange men around their children and I say I will never bring anyone around my children if i was dating not for several years, (ok I think this is LB) I say in your situation I have no respect for her because she brought you a complete stranger to move in with her 9 year old. We kinda change the subject and then he says well I was listening to a radio program that says you should not divorce because it will cause financial destruction and that even if you don't like each other you should try to avoid it, so I say well good thing I was never in this for the money(hint-I could care less about making this financially easy for you). He says at 1st when this all started it was really about the money but not it is not. (It sounds like all this convo is unpleasant but really it was very calm and understanding).

So I say well I can't do this forever the sharing, its really hard I will do the best I can and when it's too hard I will let you know(PB hints) I say if that does happen I just hope you continue to call and visit the kids. He says well if its too hard now I can not come(he was kinda half snotty, seemed almost like a threat but I'm not sure).

Get this, so he says well I just don't want to hurt anyone anymore(the OW) and I say well the kids and I are hurting. He says I know. I say when its all said and done you are not responsible for her but your wife and kids. He says I know I just don't want to hurt anyone else, but I'm sure you can do something if you wanted to(I have OW cell #). I say do you need a fall guy? He says no I don't no one can tell me what to do(Uggg, arrogant!!!!) Oh yeah he also says well there is more going on and I don't want to go into it. I know I know, I STILL HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS, I promise. I'm just venting.

READY...(tell me if I'm crazy) well that's why time needs to happen, and I'm at a place in my life where I'm not on anyone's time line(WTF??). I say I understand but I won't be able to do this forever and I am finally in a place in my life where I am starting to care for myself and set boundaries instead of not ever being truthful I am learning to care for myself.

So we chat for a bit and I say ok gotta get ready for church. I go to church and we meet with a mutual friend for lunch then we come home. He hangs out for a while. kids went out to play. I asked for a back rub and he gave me one. I fell asleep on him on the couch for about 20 minutes and was woken up by him making passes at me sleeping. So we run of to my room for more SF. He showers and then watches some TV with the kids and I and then says okay i gotta go "home"

So he leaves and gives me kinda a half hug as I am sure he has to go home the biatch!!!! All in all we had a nice 4 days. Nothing majorly bad, no irritations all conversations though odd still remained very very neutral.

Alright my mentors give me some feed back on all of it if you can.

P.S. I could swear in the book, when the PBL letter was given in the worst case couple that a note was given the the OM saying he was fighting for his marriage. I'll try to go find it. I say this because when I give the PBL to him I really want to notify her of EVERYTHING. I really do. I mean someone posted that infidelity and adultery needs to be treated as a beast that must be slayed so what do you think. I really decided this today after our conversations and how he doesn't want to hurt her, fine I'll do it. LOL

Well again I think you did a stellar job.

I don't see that as a LB at all. It wasn't an angry outburst, or independent behavior, or a DJ. You simply stated your own code of ethics and that you had no respect for her.

I think this was great. I am guessing he got snotty because he's a cake eater in the worst way and cake eaters don't like having their cake threatened. He likes to tell himself he has it all under control and when he begins to realize that you are your own person, that threatens his cake bakery and he doesn't like it AT ALL. None of this is on a conscious level, he just probably feels very threatened at some level and attacks as a result.

Do NOT be the fall guy. If he decides to come home, HE has to own that decision and HE has to deal with the fallout. If you call OW and try to break them up then he will run to her to support her against you, and if he ever does come home then later on he can say "Well I never would have if you hadn't called her, you tricked me, you forced me, you blah blah blah."

Let him own EVERYTHING with regards to coming home. Make him do the work and set the bar high.

I *think* he's saying that your "threats" of not being able to do this forever are not going to work, that nobody tells HIM what to do. You say you may not be able to hold out forever and he says he's not on anybody's time line. Again, he's lashing out because at some level he feels like his bakery is being threatened.

He's acting a lot like a two year old. You can't tell me what to do! You're not the boss of me! I'll show YOU!!!

I think that, since he brought up the A stuff, you did well to respond honestly and calmly. He may not like what he heard, but he knows deep down somewhere that if he comes home you guys will be able to discuss things calmly and rationally, and you wont' be throwing cast iron skillets at his noggin.

I wouldn't bring up any relationship stuff with him!! If he brings it up, respond (and you did great). But he's clearly feeling some pressure and if *you* initiate relationship discussions he may feel controlled and manipulated and he may flee.


My gut reaction is that you don't even give the OW *any* attention or interest. If she's in the dark, she'll wonder exactly what was going on. Her mind may make up worse than what has happened (i.e. y'all talking about her behind her back and laughing).

When you go dark he's going to become a real pain in the butt to be around, and he won't have anyone to take that out on except OW. She'll get angry and LB big time. We already know she's not meeting his domestic support ENs. The *only* thing she does is make him feel needed (else he wouldn't worry about hurting her, and that she needs him). That won't last long when she starts LBing left and right.

Let them hurt each other. Let them get good and hateful. Let him come home realizing what a great person you are, that you can take the high road, and that he left wondrous you for that slimeball TOAD.

They need to self destruct without your intervention. Don't become the enemy that they can face together (us against the world, puke, puke). Let them focus all of their nastiness on one another.

It may take a little time, but it will happen after you go dark. She just doesn't have what it takes, at all, and he's already indecisive about what he's doing.

I've been reading your thread daily, but rarely post because you are getting such great advice and doing such a great job and sometimes what I say is not the MB way. But I just feel compelled to post to you because I have heard the same words from my H and I have been exactly where you are right now.

Personally I would avoid this topic. When my H thought that I would take my time before dating he felt like he could do things in his own time. But as soon as he realized I had decided to no longer wait around he was begging me to come back. I am not saying you should threaten him with another guy (I know that is not MB), just don't reasure him that you will not begin dating.


I think this is good, but be careful about dropping too many PB hints or he might think you had this all planned out and it was just a trick to get him back.


This was exactlly the crap my H said. I think waywards feel guilty for hurting the OW because they know their W is strong and will survive, but the OW is weak and makes them feel needed. I know I wanted to scream everytime my H mentioned "people" would get hurt. It wasn't until about 6 months into recovery that he said he was sorry for hurting "me". So be prepared that he may feel guilty for hurting her for a long time.

You should not be the one to be the fall guy and hurt OW. All that will do is put your WH into protective mode for OW and he has already told you he does not want you to do that.

Hey! T2L:

BTW- Your WH knows nothing about MB?, right?
What do you think would happen if he could read this post from "point A" to here?

I was wondering- Does anyone know how a WS reacts if they find out there is an "army of influence" out there??
Has there been any backlash of people who's WS has found the site and felt "played" by the community?

(Oh boo-frickety-hoo, I know- but can a past post be a LB?)

T2L- if anyone derserves a prize for following MB principles it is you. Before you "get 'er done" with him- and bring him to MB for help reconstructing your marriage (crossed fingers) I'd have this thread removed (or change yer name and hope he does not read past posts)

--just saying

oh- - oh


Is OW possibly pregnant?????

ASK HIM next opportunity.

And don't hint or beat around the bush

"Is OW pregnant?"

You need to know ASAP if this is even a possibility.

As far as I know he knows nothing about MB or the book. I have hidden everything in kids closets, under mattresses etc LOL I do not want him to know.

I wasn't sure whether or not to have H post as part of conditions as some have mentioned whether it was a good idea or not.

Well I have asked him about 3 different times and He says the same thing each time, that she is "fixed" tubes tied I guess, but I am going to ask 1 more time.

I wish I could point blank ask what "other stuff going on" is but I doubt he would answer.

You could always make a MB weekend (and follow up work!) a condition of his return home.

Man, I hope she didn't lie to him and tell him her tubes were tied.

When I read what Pep wrote my stomach flipped.

NEWS FLASH

OWs lie

Yeah I instantly felt sick too. HE just texted back, no she is not pregnant.

OW has 3 children(18, 14, 9) already and her last one is older so maybe she did have em tied. God only knows.

Ok I want to run this by you all too. Ok so I am supposed to go into Plan B on the 15th but I was thinking of going 1 extra week(21st) this is why.

My son's team has just made it to play off's which end Dec 2nd. If I add that extra week, I will only have to miss 1 game because of Plan B. More for my son than H. Son has been in therapy due to the massive anxiety and only the last week has started to try to sleep in his bed as few times a week as some of his therapy goals. He has been sleeping with me since this started 6 months ago and he's 10! If I go to Plan B on 21st then I only have to explain to son about 1 game.

Do you all foresee this extra week as a big deal? I know for sure I'm not going longer as I am NOT spending Thanksgiving with him and the big white elephant in the room. Plus he said he was either spending Thanksgiving with us or alone, so I really want plan B in effect for thanksgiving.