Good for you. I think triggers are nasty little viruses that sneak up and get you when you are unprepared.

Any which way that you can control them and keep them underwraps is great.

I myself have a very tough time with triggers and there is no amount of planning I can do. There are some known ones I can prepare myself for but I find that I am hit mostly by "unknown" new triggers all the time.
I need a plan to be stong and not just fall apart when that happens.

WMF-
thanks for the encouragement.

something my friend said to me on thursday made me see why i needed to face my fears- she told me her therapist said she couldnt know what made her happy because she had too much repressed sadness that she was holding in.

then it hit me- why do i need to avoid my triggers????

why dont i stop surpressing my sadness about what happened and face it - cry about it- and move on into happiness or someone says "fabulosity".

so i did .

it was great. i felt stronger and in control of what happens to me.

i want to go to each place now and desensitize them for myself with my husband.

i'll let you know how it works when he takes me there to read to me what he wrote. and when we visit hte others.

i think i needed to be at this place to be ready to go there- 15 months post d-day.

i highly recommend this- facing the upset- crying about it and healing yourself to move past it.

sf

S-55,

You talked in one of your posts about being proud of the woman you are, and proud of the woman you are "becoming".

I find this a very interesting choice of word.

BECOMING



Becoming - meaning, that you are "in progress", not yet formed, in the process of coming into yourself.


Becoming


Becoming









Think of it.



This single word focuses you on everything that your new life in recovery is about.


Becoming.





You are becoming what you want to be, as a woman - first.
As a wife.
As a mother.


Your husband is becoming, too. He has a hard walk before him, do you see that? You ask what to look for in him, what to find in him to be proud of. Look at his "becoming", what his path holds, and ask him what he sees on his path. You will know in your heart that his "becoming" is what you need to understand of him - it is that which will make you proud of him.

Your marriage is "becoming".
It is now being shaped, and the two of you have a very unique opportunity to work together to forge a relationship that can be whatever you choose it to be. This time, raise the bar. Find in yourself that the changes you want in the marriage are achievable, and that you deserve a better marriage, one in which changes are possible.

Because in the word "becoming", the word "change" is intrinsic.


SB

S-55,


Now, for the 2X4.


His emotional need happens to fall in recreational companionship, which for him is body building.

He is willing to work out in the cave at home, and not go to the gym - thus avoiding other women. I see this as a very large step for him, an attempt on his part to protect himself from hitting on other women, and trying to protect your feelings. But he should not be asked to entirely sacrifice his love of body building because he had affairs.

Body building is a part of his life. If you reach across to him, and try to share something of this, in some way, you can show some admiration (EN), and some recreational companionship (EN), and fill the lovebank a little. Try working out in the cave with him a few times a week, you might find that you will go a long way toward getting in a little more in that account of yours. And maybe, he will go a bit toward putting some into your account, too.

My advice? You need to give in on this one, maybe get up in the morning with him, maybe 2 times a week, and get thee to the cave. Find some way to get into the cave. Redecorate it together - and make it more inviting to you, POJA that!!!

It won't kill you, and might just earn you some points, girl.


I don't see how completely shutting him off of the body building does anything toward building the marriage. Somehow, you need to open the door, find a compromise, and work out a plan that includes you in this activity. If not, he will resent it.

That's MHO.

SB

I AGREE with SB...MHO as well...

SB-

BE-COMING.

who am i becoming??? i believe it is the true me and it is also the true him.

YEs- i need to give him more admiration for his becoming also.

and for our marriage to become a REAL one- we can do it!

last night we completed the personal history questionaire and shared them with each other.

wow- it was so eye-opening for me!

i gave my H major credit for being brave enough to share what he had never shared before.

as you said , SB, he was practically a virgin when we met. he had only had sex one time and it was terrible for him and her.

i had come from an exclusive, loving, passionate sex life with one man- to my husband - who "acted" like he was very experienced- but in reality was NOT.

He was intimidated that i was more experienced than him and did not want to share this with me.

so later after marriage- when i tried to gently show him how to have loving, mutually satisfying sex - he rejected me and ran. he was too threatened.

his FOO had treated sex as something dirty and taboo. he had no idea how to communicate about it or about anything.

so he ran - and ran- and ran.

then he found the first OW- and he said sex was terrible with her at first. then he tried a different, easier kind of sex- which he was successful at. ( i dont want to get too graphic.)

so it opened up an arena that women told him he was good at- and at home with me - he just couldnt get it right in bed or in conversation or in life.

we are BECOMING. INDIVIDUALLY AND TOGETHER- WHO WE WERE MEANT TO BE.

SF

SB and MIMI-

ok - i accept the 2 by 4. OUCH!

but i need to give myself majoy praise- on sunday morning i woke up early - (something i hate to do) and worked out with him in the CAVE.

it only lasted 20 mins, bc then we took a great walk in the park. but it was ok.

i cant say i enthusiastically agree about working out there- but i am doing it for him. and i guess for me in the long run.

i dont like his equipment - so we talked about selling what he has and getting new things.

but it was not fun or something that i would look forward to.

in SAA- it says that we need to find things to do together that we both like and that being together is more important than liking what is happening.

what if ONE person loves somethign and the other is not really likeing it????

SF

Sunflower,

One thing that often happens is that after doing something together for a while, even though we might not enjoy the activity at first, once the time becomes ours together, we look forward to it even though the activity itself meant nothing at the start.

This assumes that we are both making LB$ deposits in other ways as well. When our Love Bank is full, we look forward to being together more than doing anything specific. Our spouse becomes our source of happiness rather than what we are doing. Then what we do matters very little. Working out might not have done much for you, but I'll bet it did a lot for him. And you might have enjoyed the walk more than he did, so you both got a little bit. If you got enough out of the walk and he got enough out of the workout, it is likely that you will repeat the whole thing again. Enough repetition and you will look forward to Sunday morning workouts.

For us, it was horses. More specifically, mucking stalls. Now while scooping up horse manure into a bucket and hauling it out of the barn might not sound very romantic, for over a year it was something we did together almost every night. When we moved the horse to another barn where we didn't help with caring for the horses at all but just let the barn operator take care of it, we quickly realized that we had very little we were doing together.

My wife will sometimes go fishing with me, even though fishing is way down her list off recreational activities. Sometimes she enjoys it a lot and other times, she will just go along and we'll discuss various things while together.

Once you begin to connect, the actual activity gets to be less the focus and the time together becomes what you enjoy...

No matter what you are doing during that time.

Mark

Mark-
Sorry i have been away from this board for so long. i did read your post a month ago, but havent posted here for the last month. alot of positive and negative things have been happening in our marriage.
i can see exactly what you are saying - if shoveling s*** together is a pleasurable activity- i guess anything can be!!
i am having trouble with this because for 31 years i have been the giver and he has been the taker, so i dont want to give so much now. i want to see him give before i start to- and i see myself as conforming to HIS activities as giving.

in the past - i gave so much that there was no ME. i ALWAYS did what he wanted and didnt even KNOW what i liked.

now as i have grown through this process, i am AFRAID to give too much- afraid to lose me- afraid to trust him too much - afraid to be hurt again by him.
for now, we are only walking together in teh park on sunday mornings. i tried working out with his equipment again, and i became angry that i was totally conforming to do what HE wanted, when inside i really just wanted to go to Curves by myself.
our walks in teh park are great - only if we dont walk in the part where he had sex in the car with one of his AP.
i dont think we are there yet - we still do not enjoy spending time together- at least i dont.
i ordered the MB home study course and havent gotten it yet- so i hope that will make a difference.

i dont know-
any suggestions from former givers who have been abused by takes about how to give in a healthy way???
SF