Hi all

I am Mike and I am 35 and married for 8 years to a wonderful woman. Were both Christians and my wife was a virgin when we got married. This is tough for me but I really need other woman's thought on the below.

It's been 8 years and I don't think my wife has had a orgasm. Sometimes she can be sexual other times she just wants to make love. I understand after reading everything about orgasms that a woman needs about 20 minutes to even come close to orgasms.

When we make love, I do my best to extend foreplay but she wants me ASAP, sometimes without me even touching her.

we went away a few weeks ago without the kids, 2 boys and 1 daughter alone for a weekend so I purchased a vibrator to spice things up.

We did have a few drinks that night and I explained that I had a surprise and to make a long story short, I tried to use the vibrator on her.

I went down while I played because it was a turnon for myself just watching but it didn't seem she enjoyed it ( this is after we played with each otherm, I didn't rush down there )

But what gives, I thought this would be the night that she would finally have a orgasm. She tells me that it's more my toy than hers. I just don't get it. I make jokes " don't let me catch you using this alone" but it doesn't fade her. I asked her how did it feel and she said it was ok.

Someone help because more and more I am thinking she just doesn't like sex


Husband

Maybe she doesn't feel very comfortable with her body. If she was a virgin when y'all married, maybe she thinks of sex as "dirty", and/or is uncomfortable discussing sex or using sex toys. Or maybe she's tired, with three kids. I think it's difficult to reach orgasm when feeling self-conscious, tense, worried, tired, etc. Or maybe you haven't found her "sweet spot"?

Do y'all tell each other what you like? That takes trust, feeling comfortable with each other and willing to be vulnerable. Does she ever guide you to where it feels good?

There's been discussions here, and I think articles too, that mention foreplay begins outside the bedroom - meeting her top ENs. DS (Domestic Support) is often especially important for mothers of young kids. Also Conversation is a biggie for most women.

How is your M otherwise? Do you meet her top ENs?

Women aren't turned on by the same things men are. I think a lot of women are more turned on by a feeling of emotional closeness rather than "talking dirty". If that's true for her, she may actually have felt turned off by your attempt at humor. Have you tried romancing her?

For example: cleaning the house, bringing her breakfast in bed with a single rose, giving her a back rub with absolutely NO sexual undertones, taking her to dinner and a movie... may go a whole lot further than plying her with alcohol with the clear intent of sex, and then presenting her with a sex toy with some suggestive humor.

Mike,

Jayne is right, intimacy for most women does not begin in the bedroom, it begins when the day starts. How did you treat her throughout the day? Were you a good father to the kids? Did you help her cook dinner, clean up the cat puke without prompting? By the time the evening rolls around, how you acted throughout the day will greatly affect her mood regarding SF. She may have sex with you either way (and then again, she may not) but if she's not in the mood, she's not going to have an orgasm. Romancing is also key to some women so you may want to consider going that extra mile on a fairly regular basis to make her feel special. Make sense? I'm not saying you don't already have this down, but I do know it took me YEARS to figure this out. Wife is back after a short separation and things are going GREAT because I'm working hard to make her happy; the desire for sex is taking care of itself.

Now on to "technique". Dude, you shouldn't have broke out the vib on the sly like that. In her mind you bought that for you despite your most noble intentions. Have you ever discussed sex toys with her in the past? Because if you haven't, it probably scared the snot out of her. Another good question to ask yourself is are you two comfortable enough to TALK to each other about your sexual preferences? Excuse me for being graphic but have you ever talked about if she likes sex rough or sensual? Does she like oral sex? Do you? Have you told her what you like? Some people like their sex fast and furious, if that's your wife then that's cool, you just need to know what she wants so you can make her "happy". Orgasms will follow if you do the right things.

My advice is that you start over. Pitch the vib or at least put it away where she can find it and leave it be. If she wants to use it on her own, that's cool but she's probably too tense, nervous, embarrassed, etc. to orgasm with you "using" it on her. Talk to your wife, nicely establish a line of communication regarding what you each want in the bedroom. Make it fun, fill out a sex survey and each hand it to the other. If you want, I can recommend one. Sex is fun, your talk about sex should be just as fun, open and honest as the rest of your communication. Third, buy this book:

Guide to Getting it On

Trust me, this is not an option, this book is a must buy. It's very humorous, funny and incredibly informative. It has sections for everyone no matter how mainstream or off the wall your sexual preferences are. If you want to learn how to give your wife an orgasm, buy this book!

Last, shelf the topic of sex toys until you're both comfortable speaking about them. There's nothing wrong with a vib, ring, etc. but you need to make sure she's comfortable buying, owning and using one. Let her buy what SHE wants. Let her use it how SHE wants. If she wants to include you, cool, if not leave it alone until she's more comfortable.

Make sense?

T

Ok. I'm going to be very honest about myself here and hopefully won't get flamed. I have been married for 3 years and have had a total of 13 men in my life (I am a Christian, but didn't behave like one in College) Out of those 13 men NONE of them have given me an orgasm. As a matter of fact the only way I can have an orgasm is when I take a bath and let the water flow over that area. I still can't be honest with my husband, as he feel it is a personal failure. (where as obviously it is only with me and my mental blocks or lack of nerve endings whatever the case may be). A lot of the time my husband likes to do foreplay, but I tend to jump him and "get it overwith" before we get into that because I feel that the foreplay isn't going to do anything for me anyway. I am 100% into my husband and like to have sex with him, but my thrill out of it and true pleasure comes from his pleasure. Don't get me wrong I appreciate it when he trys for me, but I end up faking it so I can get him to go (which like I said before is the part that I like) I am also curious about the toys, but am embarased and would prob. have the same reaction your wife did. One thing that I really enjoyed with my husband is when we kissed everypart of the body and asked the spouse to rate and honestly let me/him know what they thought of it. I hope this helps you as an insight of how one women feels.

Wow... I feel like I can speak volumes on this topic. Mike, I am in my early forties, and I went through my twenties AND thirties not having an O from a man. No... I'm not gay. But I simply couldn't get there by intercourse, foreplay, or oral sex. It just didn't happen. I NEVER told my partners (two ex-husbands) about this... I was too ashamed. I might have felt there was something wrong with me if I hadn't been able to have an O on my own. This is what puzzled me. I knew how to make myself have it, but no man could do it! Then, miraculously, it happened... I was 38 the first time I had an O that wasn't by my own doing. And I learned this: it takes A LOT of work and patience for a woman to get there. The reason for this, I think, is that women have a special spot that needs to be rubbed continuously, in the same place, for some length of time. Much like men need the continuous stroking of the penis, we need the continuous rubbing on our spot. And if your fingers or tongue move, the vibe is messed up. If it is intercourse, it's even trickier because the penis is inside and not rubbing the clitoris. Maybe your wife is like me... maybe she can do it on her own, but has difficulty with you. If you have an open line of communication, maybe you can ask her what helps her achieve orgasm. If you think it may be masturbation, encourage her to do that in front of you. Reassure her that you will take as much time as she needs for you to get her there.

Even now that I know how to get the O with my H, I sometimes struggle with knowing how long it takes me and, yes, sometimes I do fake it because I don't want to tire him out so much he can't enjoy sex, too.

My guess is she has a tricky spot you haven't quite found yet.

As had already been said sex starts outside of the bedroom many hours before the deed.

There are a number of things you can do to increase the total enjoyment for her which will bring her closer to this. But first you need to sit down and talk to her about the situation in a non-confrontational manner and with the understanding that you don't want to have sex when the talk is over.
Find out if she's ever pleasured herself and if so can she orgasm that way.

You say sometimes she wants it ASAP without much of any foreplay and that may be because she just find the sex as an enjoyable and relaxing escape from her daily grind.

Talk to her about the toy, is it something she wants to try again or shelve it completely. The next time you decide to bring in a new toy, invite her to accompany you to the "store" to pick something out.

Then when you have a little bit of fuel, go for the gusto. Leave her a note that simply says "I want to make love to you tonight" in one of the first places she'll find it. Leave another note that gives alittle more detail about what you want to do" Call her a couple of times for a regular conversation but toss in something a little dirty or some inuendo at the end of the call. During dinner (even with the kids there) just smile at her and be a little coy. When the time comes. Have her lay down and let her know that you want to set the tone and pace and she has to go with it without rushing you. Take your time teasing her body (using only your hands) but don't go "there" don't touch her errogenous zones. Kiss your way down her body skipping right over it. Then slowly kiss your way back up her leg, skipping over the obvious part again. Try and be as sensuous about the whole thing. Maybe play a little music for the mood (Barry White and Keith Sweat are good mood makers). Wait for her cues to tell you when the time is right to take things further. Have her tell you when something feels good and when something isn't working for her (if you were using a 1-10 scale, she should only tell you when things are a 1-3 or 8-10 if it's in between she just has to ride it out.)
When it does some time to make love try and focus on her with every ounce of your attention. Talk to her without being too dirty letting her know how much you love her and desire her.

The idea is to make the whole thing about her pleasure and leave the jokes for another time.