Below is my latest report of the complete truth, hopefully(but below is the summary before my question).
(f)WH didn't went complete NC. I found some of their chats and I do see that they did discuss it but did not inforce it strickly, he said ever since July she has made all the contact and he would decline most but went to two of them and that is when he got in trouble. The first one they didn't have sex but the 2nd time they did(after 3months of being sober, she called him said she needed to talk and he went over he said she didn't talk but iniated contact and he didn't stop it), which was 2.5 weeks ago. When he told me he said she wanted them to get together again, but he declined the Fri. night and was going to call off that Sat. night(it was Sat. he told me this).

He went on to say that he wasn't in true R, part of him was but part wasn't. I asked him why did he confessed in the first place. He said he was actually hoping I would opt for a divorce and was suprise when I didn't. I asked him why didn't he, he said that he didn't want to be the one to file(as he has been through one already) and that somethings he still would hope that things got better.

He then told me that day that he do want us to Recover. I asked him why would he want to me with me, when he made it clear that he was to the point of wanting a divorce. He said that believe it or not he still loves me and he wants his family. he doesn't want to live this way and he doesn't like the place he is at in his life right now.

Later that night he called her infront of me and told her that he is working things out with his wife and not to contact him again.

I know we wasn't meeting each other needs. And I know I was getting to that point too but he got there a long time before it seems like.

There is somethings that confuse me though about him and I don't know how to take it. Because he was already to that point and I wasn't I need some Advice. Sometimes I feel he should be doing alot more. But he told me that right now he is working on it. He knows as time goes by and the love and relationship starts to build back it would be easier. He said that the continues questions and the like does get annoying at times but things like that he is willing because he was the betrayer and he understands (I do have alot and wonder if I am doing LB at times, as sometimes they are repeated ones and trying to wonder how he could do this). We are also more loving to each other and he does hug me more, kiss and talk more.

I was reading some of the articles about creating our own plan. (f?)WH is not that big into counciling and all these things. But I also read about bring love back into the relationship. And I was wondering if that is where I/we should just focus for now, give it some time and then start doing a Plan? I feel like I am pushing stuff to much my always wanting to talk about it or R in hopes it would click and it would speed up the process.

Help, I don't have the money for MC.


The truth comes out
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2152537#Post2152537

You have a lot of threads. Unfortunately I am pressed for time and cannot find and read them right now. It would be very helpful if you would make one thread and use it instead of starting lots of new ones. It makes it easier for people to catch up with your story and keep up with your story.

When did their A start?
When was D-day?
How long have you been married?
Do you have children?

So your husband is not NC and in fact had sex with OW 2.5 weeks ago, is that correct?
And since then he has telephoned her and asked her not to contact him again, correct?

When did their A start? March-early July
When was D-day? He confessed middle of Sept.
How long have you been married? 4 years together 6
Do you have children? 1 and pregnant with #2

(f)WH did not go NC, I saw some emails where he talked about it but it seem he didn't make it too clear. He said after July she was the one doing contact (he no longer works w/ her since July eighter) and they meet twice after the initial ending in July, first she wanted them to just hang to be friends again, then the 2nd time she called and told him they needed to talk he went and she initiated sex and he just went along. She called again for him to come, but he said he told her he couldn't on Friday and told her, he would think about Sat. But Sat. is when he told me about their incounter and that she wanted them to meet tonight but he wasn't going. He then called her infront of me and told her not to contact him again, he is working things out with his wife.

I think this would be the best one to look at it is the updated version of what he said really happened...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2152520#Post2152520

Things sounds promising.

How did you react when he told you about their encounter?
How does OW contact your H (email, in person, text messages, phone)?

At first he told me the truth about March-July was more than 5 times and where it was. I did go crazy for this one to the point that our toddler started crying and being very clingy. We talked some more.

Then about 1/2 hour later he says he has something else to tell me but wanted to wait until our toddler went sleep so not to upset him. But I told him I would be calm. So he told me about it and that it was selfish and he just want to R and his family back. I was calm for it. And I have heard of False R and that is what it was he didn't go full NC in the beginning and continued to let her call him. They communicated by phone and chat/email. I found their chat messages, that is how I realize it was more than he was telling me. He said he planned on telling me the rest but wasn't sure when.

Will he write a NC letter that you approve and that YOU mail to OW?
Will he agree to let you put a key logger on the PC?
Will he change his cell number and give you full access to cellphone records?


Will he work through the book "Surviving an Affair" with you, including doing all the questionnaires?

Who have you exposed to, and when?

1.What is the difference between when he called and writing a letter, if they would say the same thing. Wouldn't that make contact again. I don't think he knows her full address and would have to call her.
2.I have one on, but he doesn't know, should I tell him?
3.I never asked but I know it would be hard as he had it for years and we are under a family plan with his mother, brother, and SIL.

I could ask, he is not big on questioniares because he said they are all the same he knows what is to be done. He just got to deep and let things go out of control. He also doesn't like putting a number to things to do. I went and wrote up what I needed from him in a letter and he read it. I asked him about his and he says right now he doesn't have anything, only that I gave him a little break with all the questioning.
He is also not a book reader. He even has a book (from stephen King) he was trying to read and he has gotten no where with it, he is just carrying it around for style. But it can't hurt to ask.

Fair enough. It sounds like he pretty much said what needed to be said anyway.

Nope! Just leave it on there.

Would he switch cellphones with you and switch again whenever you ask?

I don't buy any of this. If he knew what needed to be done he wouldn't have "just got to deep and let things go out of control". Twice.

My H and I took turns reading sections. He would read to me, then I to him. Maybe your H will do that.

Who have you exposed to, and when?

...............

Would he switch cellphones with you and switch again whenever you ask?
I guess I could ask. I know the night he called her, I had the phone for that night.

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I could ask, he is not big on questioniares because he said they are all the same he knows what is to be done. He just got to deep and let things go out of control. He also doesn't like putting a number to things to do. I went and wrote up what I needed from him in a letter and he read it. I asked him about his and he says right now he doesn't have anything, only that I gave him a little break with all the questioning.

I don't buy any of this. If he knew what needed to be done he wouldn't have "just got to deep and let things go out of control". Twice.

That is the part that I can't seem to get over. Right now from reading I sum it up to False R, he didn't do NC. Sometimes I wish people knew the man I knew. His problem is that he locked out of the marriage due to lack of sexual intimacy. He didn't deal with the problem well. I started having very dry spells a few years now but it just got worst and sex was really enjoyable, I also didn't see a dr. when I should. I also wasn't getting the conversations and affections I needed to even feel like having it, I use to do it out of obligation most of the time. Anyways I found a lube that works great and even he said that it wasn't because of SF why he slipped up. It was his own selfishness(getting use to not using a lube) and not being fully commited to R. He said he doesn't want to do those things just because it was easier he wants to just be with me and he doesn't like the person he became.

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He is also not a book reader. He even has a book (from stephen King) he was trying to read and he has gotten no where with it, he is just carrying it around for style. But it can't hurt to ask.

My H and I took turns reading sections. He would read to me, then I to him. Maybe your H will do that.

I would ask. He just doesn't like them stuff. He has been divorce before and went through MC already, but he didn't love the woman so it didn't help. His divorce was for different reasons they couldn't get along even before they got married.

He has admitted to me that our problems isn't bad and that he knows alot of marriages have it worst. Ours was mostly the problem I develop that didn't get treated(which I am doing now, but finding the right lube is actually what has helped although it is mad expensive, but everything else burns for me) and that lead to other stuff.

Who have you exposed to, and when?
I haven't expose it to anyone because he had confessed. And I don't think there is anyone to expose to. I wouldn't tell my family, especially since we plan on R. If we do they will never get over it and we will always have tension when together. He only has a mother and a brother(who has a family). I am not sure how his mom would act, but she almost seem like a person that might encourage someone to leave such a situation(not sure if she would do it because it is her son) and his brother is so laid back and younger than him, I don't think he would be much help. He no longer works at the same place at her eighter and she is single.

It also would be hard for me at this point having people know, I am very private and i would feel strange and weak around people that know.

What I see right now is him talking but not putting action behind his talk. And I see you making excuses for why he is not willing to pony up and own his part of the recovery.

I see you failing to expose, failing to establish recovery criteria, and failing to set boundaries.

I see a false recovery and I predict renewed contact sooner or later.

If I were in your shoes I'd make a list of what I expected for recovery to happen, period. I'd include things like:
Switch cell phones with me whenever I ask
Read the book with me and do all the questions
Never contact OW ever again, block her phone number, block her emails
If OW manages to contact you, you let me know immediately

If any of my "rules" were broken I'd go straight to Plan B.
In fact, I'd be writing up my Plan B letter right now and figuring out who would be my mediator and where I'd live if WH wouldn't leave the house.

I'd be taking action rather than making excuses for his horrific behavior.

What I see right now is him talking but not putting action behind his talk. And I see you making excuses for why he is not willing to pony up and own his part of the recovery.

I see you failing to expose, failing to establish recovery criteria, and failing to set boundaries.

Not exposing is for me, I cannot deal with people knowing. I will always be uncomfortable around them. I thought exposure was if the A was still going on. I am not oppose to exposing if anything else comes up, I will expose to his family.

I see a false recovery and I predict renewed contact sooner or later.

This already happened because I thought there was already NC as he confessed. He then told me that there wasn't and he slipped one more. That is when he told me that he doesn't want to continue like this, he then said she had ask him to go out Fri., and he declined and then that Sat. He then called her infront of me and did offical NC.

Yesterday, I ended up talking to her. I know it is not recommended. But I have heard of the few that is. As he lied to her about alot of stuff and lead her on. Our discussion is below.

If I were in your shoes I'd make a list of what I expected for recovery to happen, period. I'd include things like:
Switch cell phones with me whenever I ask
Read the book with me and do all the questions
Never contact OW ever again, block her phone number, block her emails
If OW manages to contact you, you let me know immediately

We did discuss this. I have his passwords to all his email, including his old work one. We are going to cancel that email account as he no longer needs it. I gave him a list written in a letter of the things that I need to help me along the way. He has started with some(the more important ones to me), still need to work on a few, he was never a gift giver(and he didn't do it for OW eighter) but it is under as something I now want him to do sometime.

If any of my "rules" were broken I'd go straight to Plan B.
In fact, I'd be writing up my Plan B letter right now and figuring out who would be my mediator and where I'd live if WH wouldn't leave the house.

For this I have two places and all the evidence of the A stored.


OW discussion
I was on my (f)WH email which is associated to his chat and she came on, I wanted to see if she was going to contact him. And guess what she did. She said "i know i said i would contact you but just wanted to say i am truly hoping for the best for you". Well I told her NC means NC and that this is his wife.

I will gave a summary in our convo.
She apolgies and said she was at a low point in her life and she knows it was wrong of her and she feels bad for doing it, she believes in karma and feels she has her share comming. She mentioned a couple times she was at a low point and she know it was wrong, she is sorry and that she never did anything like this before. I decided to ask questions for the sake of it.
She basically answered them the same as (f)WH. She know he told me, but she figured Sat. night when he called her about the NC.
She went on to say that talking to me know is making her feel worst as, she no longer sees me as 'just there' but as a person. There was some details she kept going around the bush with, she said she felt uneasy and uncomfortable being in the situation, but later told me and they were about the same as (f)WH final confession.

She asked if I could forgive him. And that we should try MC. She also said that she believes he loves me but was just in a bad place and lonely at that time and she was at a down point (uh, I was lonely and at a down point too).

I went on to tell her that NC means NC and that she is not to contact him ever. She said sure again.

Anyways it was weird and I was calm, but still told her how she helped to damage a marriage and she just keep saying she feels bad because she wouldn't want this to happen to her and that she believes in karma. I do hope karma is true then.

We are in the process of getting our own plan away from his family. We have to find out when it expires. His bro. is the one who set up the account so we have to call him to get on.