Well today marks the 1 month point of my wife departing (separated) and it's been VERY hard. Actually far beyond that. When she left, she made it a clear point to tell me she wanted to go to counseling and divorce was not an option. She's been on a big emotionally roller coaster of late and that for a fact I know. A bit before leaving, she was put on some fairly heavy duty meds for issues... I think one was Atavan and also Lexipro for anxiety etc. Her son has had some serious medical problems at only 20 and had a heart attack etc. When she left, she pretty much told me she didn't know who she was anymore and didn't know what was wrong and could not tell even her mom what was wrong with her. She's been in counseling for her own issues. She's also in dire straights financially as am I, but that's another story.

A couple of weeks ago, she told me that if I gave her a fairly large sum of money, we could work on us and go from there. I eventually found out that the reason was her sons medical bills since he doesn't have insurance etc and she's paying the doc $150 a month just to see him and he needs to be seen. Aside from that, he has some expensive prescriptions etc. After talking to my Pastor and I'd agree, no amount of money will "fix" a relationship. We (Pastor) and I talked a good bit and I admitted this separation was mostly my fault as I didn't meet her needs etc but I also told him that she just wasn't the same person I'd met anymore. He's known her for years and also agreed with me.

Anyway, fast forward a bit. On Friday, I happend to run into her at CVS while picking up some things for myself. She gave me a big hug and kiss etc and I'd forgotten a receipt that she had to which she replied "Well someone's got to take care of you" with a smile. Since she's been in such dire straights money wise, I helped her out a bit and we decided to meet on Saturday so I could give her some cash to help with gas and food etc. When I saw her, gave her a big hug and told her I loved her and her eyes lit up with a sparkle and smile. We talked a bit and I felt pretty good about doing the right thing etc and went home.

Last night, I received an email from her saying she was through and wanted a divorce. Not what I wanted to hear etc. I basically replied and told her that I thought perhaps she should think it thru more and reminded her that she'd suggested counseling etc and IF we never tried it, she'd never know IF it would work or not. I also told her or emailed her that IF she tried and it didn't work, at least she'd know for sure. I suggest that perhaps NOT knowing IF she didn't try it, would make her wonder down the road over time and she may ask herself "what IF I did try, wonder IF it would have worked out for us? She tried with her ex husband and it didn't work.... I told her why not give it some time and thought, perhaps talk to a few people and give it time. She'd also mentioned as did her mom, her best friend etc that it would take time to heal etc. I couldn't agree more with her on that front.
Today I get home and she tells me by email that to just accept it so I can heal and that she can and we can remain friends etc.

I pretty much emailed her back telling her or suggesting that yes remaining friends is a very good thing and reinforced how I feel about the situation. It's basically eating me alive from the inside out. I reminded her of her thoughts on time and that time heals all wounds etc and to lets just give this some time.

The amazing thing or odd thing I guess is even before I met her on Friday when she'd email me or we'd talk, she wasn't overly friendly on the phone, wouldn't text me back or call me back etc and when she did, it was all about money. Nothing else. I will say, this is just not her at all. NOT even close to being her. She's since got off one med and still on Atavan and now also on Prozac for her situation. Back to when we met on the past weekend for a moment. Sometimes body language talks a whole lot louder that words or so I've heard. Her body language tells me to complete opposit from what she says and the look in her eyes and laughing when we talked even for a short while also tells me a completely different story from the emails or when we speak on the phone.

It's been quite hard on me and this has been the absolute single worst thing to happen to me in my 48 yrs. I'm at a point now and have told her to let's just wait and give it time and remain friends and no one ones but God where we'll end up and if we can't be friends, we could never be anymore. My Pastor told me that in general, men get over a relationship a WHOLE lot quicker than a woman does. Perhaps, I've got no idea.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has been though anything even close to this. I've been trying to treat her with kid gloves, help her when I can and do all of the right things. When I do email her, I make it a point to be sure that I tell her how I feel about her etc. Is the flip flop of emotions common? Am I reading to much into the body language or reading too much into an email or conversation etc? I DO KNOW FOR A FACT after speaking with the Pastor that she is extremely upset with me over all of this and she's thrown one BIG tantrum in the past month. From the church standpoint, I've asked her to go and as has her mom. Her mom did before we split up and I just started to go last week. It's like I told her mom, I wished we did but going just to appease someone is not right. You've GOT to want to go and need to go as I do now. I told my wife, maybe one day you'll need and want to go and you'll know when that day comes but don't go just to appease your mom etc. She use to be fairly religious.

Just kind of hoping for some input from those who've gone thru this before. Maybe some suggestions etc. I've read here and also heard of others who were just about on the steps of the courthouse when divorce day came and well, the folks are still together living happily.

Well, thanks for reading and any input would be a BIG help! Ah, one last point. Since it's sometimes common for a woman not to leave a man or visa versa without a "replacement" if you will, I am at least 99% sure in this case, that is NOT the situation at all. I'd be shocked if it were to be honest.

FLHAWG

It sounds like your wife may just be under a huge amount of stress. One stress is hear is that it is "her" son, not "our" son, or "my step-son." Also, it sounds like your finances are kept separate. "She is under financial stress as am I" not "we're under financial stress."

If she feels she's facing both these issues essentially alone, she may wonder why she's married.

Another possible issue is the actual medication. This can have huge effects, and mask the real situation making it seem worse or better than it is.

If I were in your shoes, I'd figure out how to show her I'm on her side, on the same team as her, and this means more than giving her money. I'd also simply resist any effort on her part to end the marriage. Every time she mentioned divorce, I'd just say "When I married you, I married you for life. I don't do divorce."

Green, thanks for the reply. Yes it's my step son actually.
Relative to the finances at present, yes they are separated and she's got her acct and I mine. A part of the tantrum I'd mentioned in my previous post was I had kept the joint account open and been using it and accessing via online banking. Well, I checked the account one morning to pay a bill and $600 went missing on me and after questioning it, she admitted she took it. I didn't blow up and told her I understood and hope she'd put it to good use. One thing I did wrong during our time together was the "financial infidelity". I had a fair amount of money that I'd had prior to our marriage and kept it separate and well, without going into a whole lot of detail, it caused issues to the point where she felt she was only here for the money; a paycheck and no more. I can see her point but that's just not true. That's a BIG issue with her and I can understand that.

On the meds, I don't know about Atavan, but the Lexipro she was on was just BAD stuff and after I did some research, found some 200 plus side effects and easily saw a dozen she was experiencing. About a week ago, she weaned herself off of it and now has been prescribed prozac and is still on Atavan for her bad times of high stress to help her. As stated, she's also in counseling to work on her issues.

I'm trying everything to "do the right thing" believe me. As I told her, the Pastor, her mom and best friend, I've made more than my fair share of mistakes in the past year or so and it's high time to do the right thing. Funny, when I gave her some money last week to help her, so was so so sure that I had a ton of cash and giving her some was no big deal. I really didn't have much at all but I did help her and I know in my heart it was the right thing to do and it felt good.

On your stress comment, you've hit the nail on the head. I talked to her last night and she told me she's happy there since she has no stress... or the stress of me I guess. There are plenty of other things causing her stress I am sure.

I'm going to figure out somehow to show her I'm on her side in ways other than just helping out with money.

Thanks again!

FLHAWG

Hmmmm...

I've read all you wrote...

and one thing seems to linger in me about your situation.

I feel you need to back off and turn the focus onto yourself. Stop talking to your pastor, her mom, etc, about HER and get support from friends and the pastor for YOU. You cannot solve HER. You can't control her or figure her out. GOD only knows why she is doing and saying the things that she is. If you want to help her with money, I guess that's your business. I do think it's normal to flip flop because this is an emotional time for you guys.

I really really feel you should air this out. Give her space. If she says she wants to divorce you, say "I understand that's what you feel." and let it go. If she's so serious, let her start the proceedings! Does she even have money and time to back up that statement???!!! LEt IT GO. Let it be. Let her be. Focus on you for now. DOn't fret. Don't worry. If you're a religious man like it seems you are, tell God that she is HIS daughter and that you will get out of His way so he can do what He has to do with her.

I hope you can take this advice instead of spinning your wheels about her.

Focus on what you can change. You.

Good luck.

Thanks for the advice PurpleRain. Noted and taken. Indeed I cannot solve her issues and can't change her. Only she can do that. Not fretting and worrying... hmmm now that's an entirely different story but I'll work on that one and yes, I've been working on me and will continue to do so.

Thanks

Just want you to know that it's not liking that advice is easy to just go do, but I think with the support of your church, it may be possible. It took me a long time to get to that point with my ex where I could just say he is God's child and I must get out of the way so He can work with him. You know? It took me going to ALanon for MONTHS before I could get to the point to do this. If your wife is doing drugs or drinking or even abusing prescription drugs, you might want to go to Alanon as well.

But their principles are the same for all people struggling with what you are. The first of their 12 steps is that your life is out of control and you are powerless over the behavior of the other person. Then 2 is believing a power greater than you can restore you to sanity...

it goes on to 12 steps. Here they are...maybe these principles can help you too even if there aren't drugs.

Twelve Steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (substitute alcohol for wife's behaviors)—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs


AND people in the program often return to steps like 1, 2, 3 or whatever as they work all the steps. SOme of us can't get past the first step for a long time. It's hard to admit you have absolutely no power over the drinking or whatever it is the other person is doing. See. I'm exercising step 12 emailing this to you right now, but I have to go back to Step 2 so God can continue to work on my mind and heart.

Thank you VERY much Purplerain! I just copied and pasted that and emailed it to myself and I'm going to come up with a wallet size card or something so that I can always have these steps handy. We actually exchanged a couple of emails earlier today and she was actually quite nice and these were the first emails in a week or so that didn't mention the word "divorce" When I saw her first email to me.. she actually emailed me, I almost cringed when I opened it. But not any issues really which is a far cry from emails over the past week or ten days.

I pretty much told her in my last email that I'm committed to working on the things that I have control over and that's issues I've got to deal with and I'm asking for God's help with that and I also pretty much said that she's god's daughter and I'm stepping aside and giving her some room to think and breath and let god do his work as he sees fit. I've got alot of work of my own to do and when and if the day comes and the phone rings and we can move forward, I'll be ready. I've done some very deep soul searching over the past month and learned alot but I've only scratched the surface.

The wife is not doing drugs thank god and drinks socially and not often and she's under a dr's care with RX's. One of which was rather nasty after I did a great deal of research and thankfully, she's no longer on it but now on Prozac and Atavan.

I'm fortunate that this site exists that's for certain. Feel free if you'd like to ever email me at justahawg@yahoo.com. For some reason, I can't send messages to members here.

Again, thank you very much!