So Zora called tonight, basically yelling at me to agree to an uncontested divorce for irreconcilable differences. Stating that if I dont agree, we with both need lawyers and this will end up costing a fortune neither of us has. The last thing I want to do is sacrifice either of our futures in that regard.

She asked me to please give her this one thing. And a big part of me believes I should because of my affair. It took a long time to get to the point an affair was possible, and we each share the blame for the marriage getting to that point and know it, but she is asking me to do this one thing for her to make this peaceful and easy. I cant stand the though of making this more difficult for her but at the same time I cant sign a piece of paper saying irreconcilable difference when we have not tried to work through them. I tried like hell for a long time, then she tried, and now I am trying, but never did we both try at the same time.

I have to talk to my parents, shrink, priest, etc.. But I just am so torn on this issue. She deserves it, I betrayed my wedding vows to her long before she did her thing with my former friend. I cant even think of that as an issue at this point. I can't say i would not be doing the same thing had the situations been reversed.

Help,

We have both made so many poor decisions over the years, and I made the big one that got us here today, I dont want to make another one.

There's your answer.

If you don't want a divorce, don't make it easy for her to get one. Oh, yeah, I think I told you that before.

I know you said that before, and I think I understand the reasons why making it as hard as possible can end up with a a great result, but at some point is it not the right thing to do to let them go because of the pain you have caused them? I believe in what our marriage can be, but I also know what it was. And it was very unhealthy for us both, and for a long time before the A.

I know I am now fighting for what I believe to be our eventual happiness, mine and hers, But can't you also look at that as me being selfish? I know what we can have togather in my heart, but isn't that being very selfish fighting for what I believe to be best for her when she sees me being gone as best?

I guess what I am asking is, why should I make things harder? If this is what she needs right now, dont I owe that to her? If I had not had an A, I would agree with you 100 percent, but being I am the one who did this to us, crossed that line that should never be crossed, should I not now try to do whats right by her?

Marriages recover from affairs all of the time. You are on marriagebuilders, and the advice here is that if you don't want a divorce, don't make it easy for your spouse to get one.

Tell her you want to give the M a try to show her you have changed you are not that person during the A. And that you want to committ to the M. That is the one thing you can ask of her. Give it X amount of time if its still like this then she gets her wish.

Tried that already... She talked to Steve Harley once, admitted he had good ideas, but refused to have another call or go through his exercises. I tried tonight saying I cant sign irreconcilable differences until we try with a marriage councilor. No go, no room left for interpertation either.

She wants a D for herself. She will get a lawyer if I dont agree and do it the hard, expensive way. I dont want either of us to have to pay a lawyer, because quit frankly I cannot afford it. I dont have a job right now, only have cash to make it through the end of the year.

I feel my only options here are to say do it the hard way, get a lawyer, or sign a document that I know is not true because we never both tried at the same time to look into the possibility of moving forward. It seems I either have to be true to myself and refuse to sign something I dont believe in, or sign it and give her her wishes. Its a hard decision because of my A, if I had not had one I would never sign, but how can I not at least make the end painless when I caused so much pain?

Sorry to repeat myself, but this is the biggest decision in my life. I wont make it tonight, but I dont have the luxery of too much time either.

That advice is usually given to the BETRAYED SPOUSE who wants to fight for their M when their WS is not interested.

IMO this situation is different - Silverwind is the (F?)WS. He clearly broke the marital vows, and D is not only what his BS wants now, but it's what she's also entitled to because of his betrayal.

Silverwind, betraying your spouse is probably the worst abuse you could have inflicted on her. Trying to force her to stay in an M when she no longer wishes to because of your betrayal just prolongs that abuse.

Silverwind, I agree with you 100%. She is fully within her rights to want to divorce. I think you would be a stand up guy to make amends to her after all that has happened, by making this easy for her. She has been through he11 with this and I agree with you that it is not right to put her through more in order to try and force her into a marriage she has chosen to abandon.

The fact that you would be thoughtful enough to do this for her says alot about far you have come in the human decency department, my friend. Your valor is shining through.

I talked to her early this am and told her to get me the papers.

I dont agree that things are irreconciable as we have not tried, but I cant fight it. I cant put her through any more pain.

If I have to live with not fighting to give her what she thinks will make her happy, then so be it. I came to that decision long ago, I was trying to talk myself out of it and Steve Harley and others here seemed to think I should fight as well, but I dont believe its whats best. Maybe its whats best for me, to say I did everything in my power to try and salvage what I know can be a beautiful marriage, but selfish got me to where I am today.

So I wont fight, I will make sure I am protected because I have no idea what she put into the papers, but I wont fight it.

SW, here is another aspect of all this. This does not prevent you from reconciling in the future. Even though you are divorced, you can reconcile and remarry if you ever decided to do that.

I know, but its hard to see that right now. Its hard to see past what is in essence the death of a 13 year relationship that I spend my entire adult life in.

I have no advice because I'm of two minds about this myself.

You have my sympathy tho.

Thank you.

It most certainly is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Steve makes alot of sense in what he says, and why I should fight as long as I can, but I must say I disagree with him. While I agree with him that I am fighting for the ideal situation of happiness for both os us, which she agreed to in principle, I dont agree with him in the regard that reason alone does not make it selfish. Just because its her ideal situation in principle, does not mean its what she wants. And for me to prolong this pain, I believe is selfish. I cannot do it.

You too, Kimmy? I'm just about evenly split.

SW, part of me wants you to fight for it, and part of me wants you to let go - but only so she doesn't try to resist you, and you can more effectively Plan A right away.

Either way, I think your chances of reconciliation will come out the same: maybe not as high as a family with a bunch of kids, but still high enough to give you lots of hope. Thirteen years is nothing to sneeze at. She won't be able to throw it away as easily as she thinks, now that you're demonstrating your repentance by your actions.

Silverwind, I don't think I've ever posted to you before. But let me take a swing at this. Zora was hurt, badly. As a BS, she has every right to decide she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with you.

She probably sees your refusal to sign the divorce papers as more of the same, even though now it couched with "the right words". It's still all about you and your happiness (her view) and your control. You still don't care about her (as she felt during your infidelity).

The kindest thing you could do for this woman that you love is to SHOW her that you mean what you say, you are remorseful and you do love her. Acknowledge to her that YOUR actions have cost you your marriage.

Who knows? People remarry all the time. But if you play this song for much longer (refusal to divorce), I don't think you'll ever recover. Sign the papers.

I say give her what she wants. Not divorcing her is selfish. Maybe you do not have irreconcilable differences, maybe you do. Maybe she has an irreconcilable difference and no matter what you do, you cannot fix it. Make it hard for her and you both lose and probably both end up hating each other.

From a strictly emotional and personal biased point of view: (not intended to be advice)

If, after my H's betrayal, I decided I could not remain married to him - and he refused to cooperate with a divorce that HE caused -I'd be as vindictive as possible during a divorce.

I would see it as WH wanting what he wanted his way no matter the cost to me. hellhathnofurylikeapepperbandscorned

Thanks all, she will get the divorce. I wont fight, I will just make sure I am protected with the information she has in there.

I sincely mean that, thank you all. Its the hardest thing I have, and probably will ever, have to do but its the right thing for my wife.

I hope you will continue to help me as I dont see blue skies ahead for me, no where within visual range anyways. Not even on long range sensors.