Long story short. I've been lurking here for years. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years together for 7. He always has a lot of female friends, many I know. I've mentioned to him before that some of these friendships are very inappropriate, too much time on the phone etc. So I started snooping. Found an email some woman sent him of her private parts...he got mad because I snooped and said he couldn't help what people sent him. I've also, in the past found him signed up on married but looking web sites. Recently I came home and there was a washrag in our hall bathroom and another in our master...I asked who had been there, he said some young frind of ours, nothing to worry about and gets mad if I press it. Well on Saturday I found more used wash rags in the laundry, and have noticed my shower gels deplete rapidly and I'm the only one (supposedly) that uses them. So I called my neighbor. We live on a street of elderly folks, most of them stay home all day. And have been told that he has a female guest to the house 2-3 times a week, and just found out today that she is not the onlyone, there is another one who comes by every couple of weeks. I haven't said anything because my neighbor is going to call me next time a car is there. Of course they don't park in front of our house. And here is the best part. I have my SECOND STD in 6 months and he is blaming it on me!!!! I've been nothing but faithful to this man. WHAT DO I DO????????

I would get a keylogger on his computer before you bust him. Go to spectorpro.com and download eblaster. You can program it to email you daily reports to another computer.

In the meantime, I would suggest that you stop sleeping with him.

Why does he stay home all day? Does he not work?

He works nights and goes to school. I had spectorpro and he disabled it....of course one of his classes is technical computer programming. I keep reading this site and this seems so different from an 'affair' it looks like just casual sex on the side. Which is almost worse! If this is a chronic behaviour is there any hope or should I just cut my losses and kick him out? I think I love him, I'm so.....sideswiped right now I can't tell what I feel. He is sweet and cuddly and all that when he is with me, gets angry if I call him though, says stuff like "I just talked to you, what do you want?" Won't answer questions about where he has been, is very evasive. Am I wasting my time here?

Stop sleep with him pronto. If the neighbor calls you will you be able to get to your house quickly? Maybe set up one of those "nanny cams" in the bath, bedroom, living room...

In the meantime you can switch out your shower gel with some hair remover or something like henna stain.

I work about 15 minutes away so I can easily get home. Thought of putting some hot peppery stuff in the shower gel, what can I put in there that doesn't change the smell and texture?

Have no desire to sleep with him. Actually, kissing him right now really ticks me off. I just can't get over how he can look in my face and lie like that. Get in bed at night and snuggle me up and act like everything is absolutely normal. How can he have sex with her on OUR couch and then sit on it that night all snuggled up with me.

The ground is still soft...............

He sounds like a serial cheater who is living a secret second life. He can change if he wants to and puts in place extraordinary precautions. However, if he doesn't, you might want to seriously consider some alternatives because he is DANGEROUS to you. He has already given you 2 STDs and is bringing internet ho's into your home while you at work. So, if he won't agree to make dramatic, BELIVABLE, VERIFIABLE changes, you should seriously take a hard look at Plan B.

Don't waste your energy putting stuff in the shower gel; spend your energy ejecting his girlfriends from your home. I would put a stop to that immediately.

Have you tried hiding a voice activated digital recorder around the house???

They are relatively cheap and easy to use.

Mr. Wondering

I agree. The shower thing was just a venting issue. HOW to I get these women out of my home if I'm not supposed to know they are there. My neighbor does not want to be put in the middle of this. She is so surprised too, she says he is such a great guy....yea, a lot of women think that apparantly.

Ok. So plan B. Tell him to move out? Which is what I want to do right now. Just go home and tell him to pack and go, but I don't have anything he would regard as concrete. I'm looking at nanny cams too but good greif, this is a silly path when we both know the truth. When I talked to him about this latest STD he kept trying to turn it around and I quietly said that we both know the truth, so the issue is not blame at this point, it's what do we do next. That was before I spoke with my neighbor and found out about the 'guests'.

I'm a mess! I can't eat or sleep. My house is a mess. I can't focus! And I'm normally so together! Please pretend you are talking to a slow child. Today, what do I do? He will be at work by the time I get home. Tomorrow he has school and apparantly Thursday is one of his 'company'days but I don't know about tomorrow because he has just started taking meds to get rid of the latest 'problem'. I have never been this needy in my life. Thank you for listening and responding.

Mr. Wondering, we have one that my son rarely uses. I may just run right home now and set it up. So if I'm gone for a half hour or so, please good people don't leave me. I need you so much right now. I'll be right back.

I would simply tell him you won't tolerate it. Ask him to tell you how he can assure you this will never ever happen again. He must create such a transparent life that he PROVES his faithfulness. I would accept nothing less, ss, especially when he is actively endangering your safety in so many ways. He is DANGEROUS to you.

I would ask for passwords to all his accounts and place a keylogger on his computer. If it is disabled, you will know he is hiding something.

As far as checking up on him, you would have to find a way to either have someone watch or come home intermittedly during the day. Having wh*res in your safe home using your shower and your furniture is an absolute boundary, ss. This is abuse worse than physical abuse and you must take every step to put a stop to it.

So, if he won't willingly become transparent and take every step to PROVE his faithfulness, I would surely separate and go to Plan B.

I'm back. Set up a voice recorder. He is obviously hiding a great deal. Erases numbers from the phone before I get home. I think he has a different email account now. I'll have to figure out how to re-enable the keylogger.

Plan B. I must have read that 10 times by now and I'm so upset that I can't remember a word of it. I just want him to go away. It is so hard to see how God can turn this around....even though I know He can. I'm so sick of feeling so sick. I don't want to have to spy on my husband. I want....well you all know what I want because we all want the same things. To be safe and loved.

Ok. Now what?

ss, don't worry about Plan B right now. Worry about getting the truth and giving an opportunity to change this. If he won't stop doing this - and prove to your satisfaction he has stopped - then you would want to ask him to leave and go into Plan B.

But first things first. Get the goods and THEN confront him. Don't ASK, just TELL. If you ASK, then you get into a cat and mouse game. It you TELL, you avoid all that because you don't have to prove what you both know is true.

You might want to wait until you can catch him red handed to get a better idea of what is really going on before you confront him. My worry is that if you confront him now, without getting the goods, he will deny and then go further underground.

Can you hold this in until you have a chance to catch him red handed?

What keylogger did you have on his computer? How did he find it? Was it one of those freebies that give a "trial use" announcement?

I's spector soft pro. Excellent program. He never knew it was there and I decided that I should just trust him and quit checking it. Then I think he ran some kind of spyware thing and now my log in won't work. I'm going to get in touch with the company and see if I can figure it out.

Goods: 2 std's print outs from his profile on two dating websites from the beginning of the year. A ton of suspicious numbers on the cell phone bill. Erased numbers on the home phone. Evasive behaviour. Used wash cloths that my son or I did not use buried in the laundry. Den in the basement straightened up (my husband could live in a pig sty left to his own devices, neighbors telling me that there are cars, so far we are up to two, parked in front of other houses but the girls go to my house when I'm away. But the neighbors do not want to be pulled into this and I don't blame them. So the only thing I haven't done is catch him red handed!
I've been very quiet so far. After this last std, discovered last Monday, he tried to blame me then it took him a week to go to the doctor and when I asked him about it he said that the doc told him it was easier if he just took the meds without getting tested so no conclusion there.....if that's even what the doc said....! I asked him if we would be ok, and he said "always" I asked him to make the commitment to me that he would put me and this marriage ahead of everything else and he said he would. He acts like he loves me and my son. We have very opposite schedules so he has a great deal of free time....as do I. I am so tempted to go home early this afternoon and just tell him I want him to leave. I know that he has women over while I'm away etc. but I don't want to reveal how I know this stuff and he is so good at this that without hard proof he'll turn it around on me.

How do I maintian my equilibrium? I feel like I'm drowning in jello, there are no solid surfaces and no air. I just hurt.

ss, why not download eblaster on a disc right now and go install it? He might find it again, but you might get several days of evidence. eblaster will email you reports so you can retrieve them from work.

All of the things you mentioned in your previous are suspicious activities, but not really evidence.

another option is to put a tape recorder on your home phone. You can buy them at Radio Shack and attach to a back bedroom phone where it won't be seen.

I realize it is very hard, but you have a better chance of success here if you CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS and follow a STRATEGY. If you allow your emotions to take over this will probably be very bad and you won't ever get the truth. If you can control your emotions you have a much better chance of saving your marriage.

You have waited this long, can you wait a couple more days in order to increase your chance of success?

We can help you through this, so come here and hang onto us!

The home phone is not as much an issue as the cell is.

How could someone do this? I've been very good to him. Kept myself in excellent physical condition. Been willing and adventerous. Of course, he doesn't seem to have much energy for me these days.

If he is a serial cheater who is out for the cheap thrill. Is it fixable?

I just want to sit down and cry. Then bury him in a shallow grave. Then hug him because I miss the man I married....but maybe that person was an illusion and he's been doing this all along, which is higly possible.

Thank you for being here. I suppose I can hold on. It just feels like right now I'm holding on to venomous snake.

It is so hard to act normal when nothing is normal. I told my son what is going on. He is 15 and can tell something is very wrong. There is no chance of him walking in on anything because he has to be dropped off and picked up from school.