I have never joined a forum like this, or any forum for that matter. I am writing because I don’t know what else to do and I am looking for any help I can get. My wife wants a divorce but I do not. We have been married nearly nine years and have two wonderful children ages 2 and 4. We have known each other since fourth grade. We started dating early in college and never looked back. I’m not one to brag, but we had one of those relationships that made people cringe – we were so in love! Soon after our marriage I started medical school, then residency. My wife has been by my side through thick and thin. She has been my support, my rock.

She is the romantic type, the optimist, the care free, live day by day and soak it all in, the emotional one. She is precious. I am the more logical type, the “realist”. And bottum line, I messed it all up. I did a horrible job meeting her emotional needs. She is a “words of affirmation” type. Showing emotions has always been a challenge for me. I showed her I loved her my saying “I love you” daily, by leaving her notes, by always saying “thank you”, by letting her be free to spend time with friends whenever she needed. What I didn’t do is give her the one type of love she needed – the emotions, the vulnerability, the words of affirmation, the compliments. All of this was in my mind on a daily basis, but I never, or rarely expressed it. Over the years she kept telling herself that someday I would meet these needs, that once the stress and time of residency was over, I would show her this. Meanwhile she lost part of who she was.

This last year she has become very involved in teaching yoga. She feeds off of it. She feeds off the compliments and gratitude people express to her. She is great at what she does. The areas of our marriage that were not being met by me are now being met by other people. There hasn’t been any infidelity, but I know she has thoughts about it, we have talked about it recently.

The last week and a half have changed my life, when she told me she was no longer in love with me. I have cried more in this time than I ever have. She responds with hugs and kisses, but tells me all she feels is sadness as if I was just a friend; no romantic feelings at all. I have told her over and over again my remorse, my anger at myself for not meeting the needs that are important to her. She broke down, feeling a sense of relief that I had finally figured things out. She is not optimistic about us and states if it weren’t for the kids, she would have already left. We have agreed on marriage counseling, which starts in a few days. I am more in love with my wife than I ever have been. I know I can change and show her the appreciation she deserves. But I also know it is too little, too late.

I would appreciate any responses, words of encouragement, ideas, or anything. I am desperate.

If your wife is willing to try to make your M work, then there is hope. Read about Emotional Needs and work together through some of the Basic Concepts of MB. They are simple, yet so effective.

Good luck.

MS

Thanks for the advice MS. I will read what you recommended. I just hope my wife wants to work on our marriage.

Find the Love Buster questionnaire here, print it out, and ask her to fill it out. It will tell exactly what you do that is draining her love for you, so that you can stop doing those things.

Do that for a month. Then ask her to fill out the Emotional Needs questionnaire. It will tell you how to become that person who fills all her needs and makes her happy. And it will make you happy, as well.

You need to eliminate the LBs first, or it won't matter how much you meet her needs.

thanks again for all the replies. The latest news is that we are going to separate. We are still communicating open and honestly about everything. Ultimately, she feels very detached from me, detachment that has been adding up over the years. She still communicates that she cares about me deeply, respects me and isn't completely throwing in the towel yet. She feels that the only way things could possibly work out is if she has time by herself and doesn't have to come home to the stress, emotions, etc of living together. She says she needs time to think and put it all together; time to figure out what she wants. I understand her rationale, but am still hurt and struggling with separation. Any advice? How do I continue to show her that I am capable of giving her and meeting her needs if we are separated?

Also, I took your advice about the questionnaires. Unfortunately, I'm not sure we are there yet. My wife just doesn't know what to do. We start marriage counseling tomorrow. Maybe this can be our first exercise to do together.

Thanks for reading and I look forward to any advice, comments, etc.

You won't want to hear this, but I would bet $100 that she is seeing greener grass. There is probably a guy in one of her yoga classes who is paying attention to her, and filling all those needs you say you neglected. Smiling at her, telling her she's pretty, touching her arm, laughing at her jokes...

Even if she's not having an affair, she's getting strokes from someone. And it's making her rewrite her history with you - that she's not in love with you. If you read some of the stories on Infidelity, you'll see the exact same things that she is doing with you.

Bottom line, do NOT go along with the separation. She wants to separate just so she can see what it feels like to be single, to see if guys will really keep coming up to her and flirting with her. Do NOT make it easy for her to leave you. You need to be in the same house if you're going to win her back.

catperson............you maybe right; i am not sure there isn't anyone else. However, we have been laying it all out there with communication. She has told me about her thoughts of other guys, a particular guy several months ago with whom she states she doesn't know if she would have stopped an advance by him. So who knows. I believe her when she says there has been no physical affair. I also know, as does she, that she is walking a very thin line with emotional affairs. It is something she is struggling with right now. Despite how much this hurts me, I also, in some regards, can't blame her. All I can do is hope our relationship strengthens so she doesn't feel like, or want to go else where for her emotional needs. She knows that I feel very strongly about crossing the line, doing something that is in my mind not repairable, not amendable to fixing. Any thoughts, advice? Thanks.

It is sad to know what your marriage is passing through, this might be very difficult for both of you and I am sure this is not what your wife really wants. If she loved you all those years and she was this much supportive and lovable, I think that this is a stage in her life where she wants to find herself. She might be thinking that it is her time to be rewarded for being there for you, if you do not show this pay-back love, she might seek it somewhere else. As a woman passing through similar problem I would suggest that you get together more often, away from kids and work stress. Get yourself involved in things of interest to her, attend her Yoga class for example, read together things she likes and do together things she would like to do. If she is open to the marriage counsler then this is great, it simply means that she wants to seek help, do it more often and be heartly doing it. I would strongly suggest to never give up hope on her and do not let her go, once she is by her own away from you, you will be away from her heart. I am sure that things will work out fine, it just needs sometime with patient and more understanding from both of you.

cstaley, when one falls out of love in a marriage, they work to turn it around, they don't get divorced. That is why nothing your wife says makes sense. She probably told you "I love you but am not in love with you," right? She probably said she has been unhappy for years, even though you have evidence to the contrary, correct? Affairees usually say "I love you, but am not in love with you," they need to separate to "get some space" and typically rewrite history with you starring as the demon.

I wager she is having an affair. Sure, unmet needs in the marriage made her vulnerable to an affair, but it was the AFFAIR that made her want to leave the marriage.

My suggestion to you would be to hire a PI and rule this out. If there is an affair, and I strongly suspect there is, then that has to be addressed before you have any hope of saving your marriage.

If this is the real problem and you don't ever address you are very likely going to lose your marriage. You can't fix a problem if you don't know what it is.

So, please take my advice and hire a PI. Find out for sure so you can proceed based on good information.