|
|
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,965
Member
|
Member
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,965 |
Seeing as how your biggest problem with granting her the D is that you don't agree with the "irreconcilable differences" reason (as you think if you both tried at the same time you'd have a shot at reconciliation), why don't you grant her a divorce on the grounds of adultery?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269 |
I dont know the options available. All I know is through her, and this is a "no fault" state so I dont think it matters much.
And if I dont agree, its long and painful.
I will sign the irreconcilable differences, it does not matter what the paper says anyways, the end result is just the same.
Me 31
Her 33
Married 6 + years, seperated 15 months
Relationship - 13 YEARS and hopefully counting.
Status - 10/5/2008 - Agreed to divorce.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,643
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,643 |
Silver,
I have given this so much thought and sadly I agree with everyone else. I think you should sign the papers, let her have her freedom and ask G-d to keep working in you to become the man that you are to be.
It's that old stupid saying. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it was yours. If not, then it wasn't.
Show her you love her by letting her go and then praying for G-d to create the chance to win her back.
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860 |
Silverwind
I know that this will upset people when they read this.
At MB, BS's are advised on how to end the affair. One of the strategies is to fight, stall, drag out the divorce.
They are advised here on MB to say to their WS: I don't talk divorce, I only talk marriage. If you have to talk divorce then talk to my lawyer.
Steve Harley, how MB poster's on this site invoke the Harley name whenever they need to bolster their advice when prodding another poster to take action.
How come when MB poster's as you are encouraged to follow the Harley's advice, you after consulting with Steve, his stance on you fighting not to give your BW a divorce is wrong?
How come is it not hypocritical to encourage a BS to fight recover their marriage, but not right for a WS to fight to recover their marriage?
BS's are told not to be doormats. They are also told that it is their right to fight or not to want to feel like trying to recover their marriage. All of these things are correct.
How come is it not hypocritical to encourage a WS to be a doormat and not fight to recover their marriage?
Just because a WS fights to recover. The BS just has to ignore the WS's efforts and lawyer up. Their right to seeking a divorce is not being denied.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 498
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 498 |
How come is it not hypocritical to encourage a BS to fight recover their marriage, but not right for a WS to fight to recover their marriage?
How come is it not hypocritical to encourage a WS to be a doormat and not fight to recover their marriage?
Just because a WS fights to recover. The BS just has to ignore the WS's efforts and lawyer up. Their right to seeking a divorce is not being denied. The BS is seeking a divorce. He is saying he won't sign the papers. She can just file again under Adultery. He can't fight adultery. It is the only justification in God's eyes (not ours our steve harleys). There is no marriage to recover...it ended when he broke his vows and committed adultery. MB says both spouses must be willing to work on the marriage. We start buying busting up the affair but if BOTH spouses do not try to work on the M, it does not work. If he does not give her what she wants, she will constanly be reminded of the hate and anger she bears against him. At least if he lets her go, he has done a positive, selfless act (unlike an affair). Not signing the papers is just like having the affair (selfish reasons). He can fight to start a new marriage with her, but he will singlehandedly ruin all chances with her if he continues showing his selfish ways. JMO
Me: 32 BS DDay: 9/14/08
Slowly coming to the realization that I
am one of those who can't get past it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860 |
Filing is only filing. Divores are not automactic and can be fought.
It's ok for a BS to stall and buy time to recover their marriage when a WS want's out.
It's not ok for a WS to stall and buy time to recover their marriage when a BS want's out.
Hypocrisy.
Go back to hanging out at the temple with the money changers.
Last edited by TheRoad; 11/05/08 01:57 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986 |
Divores are not automactic and can be fought. Yes, they can be fought but they will ALWAYS be granted in a no-fault state. No judge is going to FORCE someone to stay married to someone. "Irreconcilable differences" is a term of art in the family law field that covers ANY differences that can't be worked out. It's not ok for a WS to stall and buy time to recover their marriage when a BS want's out. He can stall all he wants, just as a BS can stall, but in the end, the divorce WILL be granted, unless the one who filed (Zora in this case) drops the lawsuit. In the case of a BS, it is often recommended to file... for protection of finances, the children, and assets and to FORCE a WS to continue meeting their responsibilities. It is often recommended to try and stall if the WS files because the BS did NOTHING wrong and believes there is hope. The only hypocrisy I see is when a WS believes they are being done wrong when the truth is THEY are the ones who did wrong and CAUSED the division in the first place.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269 |
Silver,
I have given this so much thought and sadly I agree with everyone else. I think you should sign the papers, let her have her freedom and ask G-d to keep working in you to become the man that you are to be.
It's that old stupid saying. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it was yours. If not, then it wasn't.
Show her you love her by letting her go and then praying for G-d to create the chance to win her back. I know Queenie, I have no other choice I can live with. Causing her more pain is not an option. That being the case, I have but one option. Go with her wishes.
Me 31
Her 33
Married 6 + years, seperated 15 months
Relationship - 13 YEARS and hopefully counting.
Status - 10/5/2008 - Agreed to divorce.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Have you completely stopped drinking alcohol?
If so, how long?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 604
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 604 |
It's not ok for a WS to stall and buy time to recover their marriage when a BS want's out. I wish someone would tell my WW that.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269 |
More or less, I had one coors light and 6 diet cokes this past weekend when I went out with two friends. Before that it was a week prior and probably 2 coors lights and 6 diet cokes.
I have zero desire at this time.
Me 31
Her 33
Married 6 + years, seperated 15 months
Relationship - 13 YEARS and hopefully counting.
Status - 10/5/2008 - Agreed to divorce.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,643
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,643 |
AND letting G-d have you both to guide in life. He has a plan. TRUST him and walk in FAITH 
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860 |
princess meggy
It's one thing to disagree. Another to ignore the point being made.
"It's ok for a BS to stall and buy time to recover their marriage when a WS want's out.
It's not ok for a WS to stall and buy time to recover their marriage when a BS want's out.
Hypocrisy."
When a point is being skirted, to me shows poor reading comprehension skills, or poor integrity because one just ignores the points that they can not logic/explain away.
Yet the public gets upset with politicians when they skirt the direct question.
This is not personal. I have seen you PM, give a lot of good help here, but strongly disagree with this.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860 |
BHHFS
Do not miss quote me please, or take what I say out of context.
"It's ok for a BS to stall and buy time to recover their marriage when a WS want's out.
It's not ok for a WS to stall and buy time to recover their marriage when a BS want's out.
Hypocrisy."
Both the WS and the BS have the right to stall to buy some time if they desire to recover their marriage.
Both the WS and the BS have the right to walk away from their marriage.
Free Will.
Both side should be able to give it their best shot no matter what it is they want to do.
How many times is a BS told if their WS is not doing anything to get a divorce to sit tight. Maybe it's a sign they want to stay.
It works the same way for a WS. The BS talks divorce but won't hire the lawyer.
Some WS's truley regret what they are about to lose. Society say's never give up without a fight. Not rollover and play dead.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986 |
When a point is being skirted, to me shows poor reading comprehension skills, or poor integrity because one just ignores the points that they can not logic/explain away. Huh?? 
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 604
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 604 |
Do not miss quote me please, or take what I say out of context. My mistake. I didn't read the correct context. Both the WS and the BS have the right to stall to buy some time if they desire to recover their marriage. My situation is that the WS does not desire to recover the marriage and is stalling.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269 |
BHHFS
Do not miss quote me please, or take what I say out of context.
"It's ok for a BS to stall and buy time to recover their marriage when a WS want's out.
It's not ok for a WS to stall and buy time to recover their marriage when a BS want's out.
Hypocrisy."
Both the WS and the BS have the right to stall to buy some time if they desire to recover their marriage.
Both the WS and the BS have the right to walk away from their marriage.
Free Will.
Both side should be able to give it their best shot no matter what it is they want to do.
How many times is a BS told if their WS is not doing anything to get a divorce to sit tight. Maybe it's a sign they want to stay.
It works the same way for a WS. The BS talks divorce but won't hire the lawyer.
Some WS's truley regret what they are about to lose. Society say's never give up without a fight. Not rollover and play dead. I dont think aggreeing to a divorce is rolling over and playing dead. Its accept the concequences of you actions if you are a WH. I commited the big f up. That action has concequences. The concequences are different depending on each BS. My BS has decided the concequences of that action are a divorce. I believe by fighting this and dragging it out would only deepen the hurt i have already caused her and that is something I am unwilling to do. By accepting the concequences of my actions I can maybe, just maybe, give the person I love the most the most what they need and maybe help them heal just a little bit. Silver
Me 31
Her 33
Married 6 + years, seperated 15 months
Relationship - 13 YEARS and hopefully counting.
Status - 10/5/2008 - Agreed to divorce.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986 |
princess meggy
It's one thing to disagree. Another to ignore the point being made.
"It's ok for a BS to stall and buy time to recover their marriage when a WS want's out.
It's not ok for a WS to stall and buy time to recover their marriage when a BS want's out.
Hypocrisy."
When a point is being skirted, to me shows poor reading comprehension skills, or poor integrity because one just ignores the points that they can not logic/explain away.
Yet the public gets upset with politicians when they skirt the direct question.
This is not personal. I have seen you PM, give a lot of good help here, but strongly disagree with this. I still don't get this. I wasn't ignoring your point. You were making a point that you feel there's a double standard. Or at least I think that's what you were saying... or I could just have poor reading comprehension skills. I know my integrity's intact. I disagreed with your point and was trying to make my own. I don't believe I skirted anything. Please point out where I did? I truly don't want to be accused of being a politician.  Nothing personal.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 498
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 498 |
I dont think aggreeing to a divorce is rolling over and playing dead. Its accept the concequences of you actions if you are a WH. I commited the big f up. That action has concequences. The concequences are different depending on each BS. My BS has decided the concequences of that action are a divorce. I believe by fighting this and dragging it out would only deepen the hurt i have already caused her and that is something I am unwilling to do. By accepting the concequences of my actions I can maybe, just maybe, give the person I love the most the most what they need and maybe help them heal just a little bit. This shows a lot of character, remorse for what you have done, and accepting of your ACTION. Hopefully, your wife will see the change in you. Forcing her to stay in the marriage will only pi$$ her off and make her hate you. As a BS, that is what I would feel if my wayward tried to stop me from a divorce. I would punish, seek revenege, and try to hurt the wayward as much as I got hurt. I would be suprised to see many BS say do not give her this.
Me: 32 BS DDay: 9/14/08
Slowly coming to the realization that I
am one of those who can't get past it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 571
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 571 |
Originally Posted By: A_pretty_face Quote:She asked me to please give her this one thing
Tell her you want to give the M a try to show her you have changed you are not that person during the A. And that you want to committ to the M. That is the one thing you can ask of her. Give it X amount of time if its still like this then she gets her wish.
Tried that already... She talked to Steve Harley once, admitted he had good ideas, but refused to have another call or go through his exercises. I tried tonight saying I cant sign irreconcilable differences until we try with a marriage councilor. No go, no room left for interpertation either.
She wants a D for herself. She will get a lawyer if I dont agree and do it the hard, expensive way. I dont want either of us to have to pay a lawyer, because quit frankly I cannot afford it. I dont have a job right now, only have cash to make it through the end of the year.
I feel my only options here are to say do it the hard way, get a lawyer, or sign a document that I know is not true because we never both tried at the same time to look into the possibility of moving forward. It seems I either have to be true to myself and refuse to sign something I dont believe in, or sign it and give her her wishes. Its a hard decision because of my A, if I had not had one I would never sign, but how can I not at least make the end painless when I caused so much pain?
Sorry to repeat myself, but this is the biggest decision in my life. I wont make it tonight, but I dont have the luxery of too much time either. I hear you 100 percent. You do what you feel is right in your heart. I do not agree with others when it comes to the D line. Being that regardless of being in the BS or WS position. Meaning I believe if a WS shows great remorse change and wanting to be in the M they have every right just as a BS to fight for what they want.
Married 1996 4 wonderful children 16, 13 *OC*, 10, 7 FWW 30's FWH 30's My dday 1-2007 he came clean to me My story New beginings
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
179
guests, and
54
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,621
Posts2,323,490
Members71,959
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
