SS,

"How do I maintian my equilibrium?"

I would say maintain it by FOCUSING on obtaining the hard proof. That is your first step. Once you have it you CONFRONT HIM with the undeniable proof, to where he has to admit what he is. YOU then can see if there will be changing of his attitude.

HIRE A PI with a camera!

Of course if they are just photographed going into your house, he will deny anything is wrong with that!!

Get that voice activated recorder going. Even a spy type of camera that is activated by a motion detector.

Walking in on them with a baseball bat, would be choice!

It seems he is very sloppy in his adulterous activities. Bring the chicks over in broad daylight!?? Into your house? That is very BRAZEN of him. Almost like he wants to get caught.

It could be that this is how he defines himself, though. As a player.

And he can compartmentalize very well. That's why he can be so lovey dovey to you, then bang the gals from the web sites.

Good luck.

kirk

krusht is right, focus on your PLAN right now and that will help you hold on. You have a PLAN and a support system, he does not.

Anything is fixable if a person wants to fix himself. YOU cannot fix him, though. You can do some things to motivate him but ultimately, the decison is his.

Can you hire a PI?

How much more proof do you need? You got an STD. There is only 2 possible ways this happened. You slept with someone who had the STD, it was either your husband or it was not. THAT IS THE TRUTH. You know the truth but do no want to believe it. Tell your "nice" neighbor that she is very nice and has been helpful. You want to work on your marriage and save it. Ask her if she will call you the next time a "friend" shows up. Tell her that you will never reveal how you learned but you need to suprise the situation. If she will not agree to call you, why don't you call your neighbor on thursday and ask her if there is friend there. Then she is not involved. She just has to say yes or no. Until you walk in on the act, he will deny it. Bust him, throw his stuff on the front lawn, and let him figure out how to pay for rent, school, etc.

I don't need any more proof! He on the other hand says that he doesn't have anything so how did I get it! And the rest is just me being paranoid. My neighbor has agreed to call next time someone is there and the alarm company says that if I call when I am on my way they will not respond to the alarms so I don't have to waste time by turning it off, I can go right to where they are.

My plan is to bust him. That is the only way he will not be able to deny everything. It looks to me like he wants to get caught too. Why would someone want to do that? When I talked to my mom she said that either he couldn't end things with me so he wanted to get caught or he couldn't end things with her and wanted to get caught so he could blame the end on me. I feel crushed under the waiting though, and the acting normal.

No money for a PI. This economy is clobbering us. I don't even know how I'll afford the house by myself, much less get my son to school in the morning, my husband takes him in the morning and I pick him up in the afgernoon.

If you do not need proof, tell him to stop. Do not ask him if he is having an affair. Tell him, "I have an STD. The only person that I could have gotten it from is you. Stop cheating on me or I will file for Divorce on the grounds of adultery. You also must stop lying to me. I am not stupid." He will say no he is not, blah blah blah. He knows he has the STD. make him to take a lie detector test. or proceed as planned and walk in him in the act. But be prepared to take decisive action. Right now he is walking all of you, doing whatever he wants. my whole point is if you had enough proof, you would kick him out. you need to blow up his world to put the fear of God in him that he will lose you. Then he might start treating you like a human being b/c right now you are lower than his dog.

Walking all over me is not even the word for it!!!! I know and he knows but he will deny anything that is not hard proof....like walking in on him. So I guess I have to wait...if he keeps with his normal schedule it won't be that long.

Why do men do this to good women?

Hang around and you'll find out that there are women who do this to good men too.

You don't have to wait. You have proof. Tell him to stop and divorce him. Deny = Lie = Divorce the sorry ba$[censored]! This is the part where you stop him from walking all over you. Doing without catching him in the act will be much harder but you will earn more respect.

Why do women do this to good men?

I'm going to try to wait till I catch him. It should be tomorrow if his schedule remains the same. If not I'll probably end it tomorrow night. I need to know how to get him out of the house, keep the car etc. I also want to know who it is, I suspect I know her. That way it's undeniable.

I don't know. I'm just too upset to think.

sideswiped, take your time and do this right. The more evidence you have, the bigger your weapon. You don't really have evidence of an affair as it is, you just have circumstantial evidence that could be easily be explained away by any half wit liar. Getting solid evidence will remove any denialibility and will even give you evidence for court if you need it. Bring your CAMERA when you come home and catch them!

Now, when you confront him, you will want to present him with a PLAN of recovery. Give him an option to RECOVER your marriage and tell him you are willing to do this if he participates in a program of recovery OTHERWISE THIS WILL NOT WORK.

The program of recovery would include

a. telling you the complete and total truth
b. ending his affair with OW(s) with a letter written by you both and mailed by you
c. complete transparency, ie: all passwords and an agreement to never be on the computer again unless you are there
d. no female friends outside of married couples that you both affiliate with
e. STD testing
f. going through the MB program

Give him an opportunity to repair your marriage. If he says no, or whatever, tell him thank you. Then come here and we will discuss your next steps.

So you mission now is to:

A. GET THE GOODS
B. CONFRONT
C. HAVE A PROPOSAL IN YOUR BACK POCKET AT THE READY

I'm almost afraid to bring a camera. He has a bad temper and that may set him off. I don't know Melody. I just don't know. I just called him to wake him up from his nap so he could go to work and he sniped at me. Which is all he seems to do lately. Never calls me anymore just to say I love you. And when I call he gets angry especially if I call more than once. I just called back after we got off the phone to tell him that I love him and don't know what is going so wrong but I miss him loveing me and he didn't answer the home or cell phone so I just left him a message saing that I love and miss him and want things to be ok again but can't make that happen by myself. I spoke with his god sister who has known him for years and she can't believe he is doing this, she says this is completely unlike him. It's like he is stuck on self destruct and doesn't care who blows up with him when the bomb goes off. When does it quit hurting so much? I'm going to wait for a while so I can go home after he is gone and cry before I have to go pick up my son from school. I'm sorry about all the typos. My fingers can't think either.

ss, that is ok if he gets mad, though. You cannot let his anger dictate your actions. The goal here is to gather evidence to hopefully save your marriage. You need the camera to document the scene. Now, if you thinkhe will hit you or something, I would still bring the camera but bring along someone with you.

You have a daughter who is 15 years old. She is not your WH's biological daughter. Your WH is acting like a sex addict and apparently using your home for casual sex encounters. And he's gas-lighting you to the point of craziness.

What you need to do is pretty clear IMO, not only for your sake, but for your daughter's sake as well.

SS - you have great people here offering you excellent advice but as somebody whose husband also conducted his affair in the family home, I wish I'd put a little bit of chili oil in the shower gel!

Unless you have a history of HPV from your previous marriage, surely you have all the evidence you need that your husband is unclean and adulterous?? I hope you find the clarity of mind to deal with his abuse very soon. He has a temper, he has an STD, he is screwing around and he is lying to you. Trust yourself.

TT

I haven't been on here since Wednesday. I was at work and just couldn't take it anymore and had to go home and cry some. My husband was on the way to work and left me a couple of nasty messages on my cell about checking the phone numbers on our cell bill and commenting. He still didn't know that the neighbors had told me about his guests. Well, one thing led to another in our phone call and I told him he didn't have the right to kill me because of his sexual indiscretions, that conversation deteriorated quickly! He said he was moving, I said ok, leave the car and cell phone which are both in my name, that set him off again.I spoke with an atty who said I should let him know about the witnesses, so I left him a voice mail with that info. I tried to get a restraining order that night and couldn't so my son and I spent the night at a girlfriends. I went back the next day and was in the living room on the phone and the music came on (he programmed it)....then a car drove by very slowly, then passed by again then the phone rang, private number, when I answered she hung up. Guess that was obvious! I went to the bank to unlink all the accounts and when I came home he was here. I told him that our marriage was over, he still kept denying everything and saying everything would be fine if I would quit snooping and listening to the nosy neighbors. I said that since he didn't view his behavior as wrong and I couldn't live with it we should try to talk and equitably divide our lives and get it over with. I asked him if he was going to move like he said he was, he blew up and said when he was ready then threw a shirt that I had just bought him at my face. I left and got a restraining order. After he was served and escorted off the property I found the shirt shredded in the trash. He came by earlier today with an officer to pick up some clothes and was surly. When the officer asked him to give me my car key and the cell phone he gave me the key but not the phone saying it was in both our names....it's not. The officer suggested that I just turn it off, which I did. Then hubby called from a pay phone to yell at me about that, violating the restraining order. Looks to me like this marriage is three shades past over.

Now, if I could just quit crying.

You did a good job. I can imagine how hurt you are right now, but you need to keep protecting yourself. Getting a restraining order was a good idea. Now don't call him, and I would let the answering machine pick up his calls.

You need to get stronger and not listen to his surliness.

I keep finding out more. The neighbor said that he would stand in the open door, shirtless, waiting for her with music playing. I just checked the voice recorder I left last Wednesday, and he was talking to someone about my checking his phone records that's why he didn't call. Just called to hear her voice (guess he used the home phone that I can't watch) missed her this morning, and he would call her later that night.

How could someone do this to someone who just loves them. I've been a good wife, did everything I could to make this a good marriage, worked with him on every issue, believed the unbelievable...... I just don't know how or why someone could be so mean and nasty. If he wanted out there are better ways of going about it.

We have a lot of mutual friends. The stories are coming out now, I'm the rotten one, got a restraining order, checking his phone calls etc. I'm so INSULTED!!!!

Does it ever get better? I'm so tired of going between crying and wanting to choke him! I just want my life to be normal again.

Although it may not seem like it, your situation is not unique. They all do rotten, nasty things while wayward. It is possible to save even a marriage with a wayward like yours. You have to decide what you want to do and get a plan. It usually gets worse before it comes close to getting better.