My ex-husband is getting remarried in a few days. He has kept the wedding a secret until now because he knows that I do not approve of his current living arrangement with OW (he moved her in without telling me several months ago). I am fine with him getting remarried, just not to her (I of course was not invited to the wedding and yes this OW is the reason we are divorced).

I have moved on from this situation emotionally, however, my 4 year old daughter is absolutely refusing to attend the wedding. She told me she doesn't want to go, that she hates her future step-mother, and that she would love to try and stop her father from marrying this woman. She also said something very adult to me about the situation, "Mom, why should I have to see that? I shouldn't have to see that." I understand her feelings about this. Is it wrong of me to force her to attend the wedding? Is it wrong of her father to expect her to attend? At first, I thought that she should attend out of obligation. Now that she has made her feelings clear to me, I feel that she shouldn't have to attend if she doesn't feel comfortable. I guess I am wondering how I could handle this without creating a giant grudge-inducing incident. I was thinking of telling him that she is sick and can't attend. Any advice?

Respect her feelings...she should NOT go.

and tell the truth....this should be handled with honesty, not lies.

Is it supposed to be your time with her???

The affair was the "grudge-inducing incident", not your choice now.

Definitely don't make your DD attend.

Don't lie 2 your X, either.

-ol' 2long

No, it is his weekend. He has been very manipulative about the situation and has been sure to plan the event on his weekend with her. If I tell him the truth I am afraid that he will push the issue, create a scene, involve the police etc... I am not an advocate of lying, but in this situation I felt that was the lesser evil. He has been very selfish in this situation so far. He moved OW in and had her living with him without even telling me of the change in circumstances. I am just trying to do what is best, and least traumatic for my daughter.

If he makes a scene in front of anyone, just turn to those people and smile and say "I wonder, would you make your daughter attend the wedding of her father to the woman who he cheated on you with? When your daughter knows it and hates her?"

I have to ask, though, what you said she says about him and her...that really doesn't sound like something a 4 year old would say. Are you really sure she is not merely repeating what she hears you say, trying to make you feel better?

I certainly would not like my DDs attending, but I'm not sure there is anything that you can do.

If the D is final and custody is established, you may not have a choice.

I haven't discussed the situation with anyone in front of her. I thought it was strange that she used those words to describe her feelings. She is very smart, and very mature for her age. However, I can't rule out that she has heard someone say those words. Her hatred of OW is genuine. She has expressed this to me many times over the last few months.

IMO...I'd record her feelings.

Video would be best but a voice recording is OK.

Be as careful as you can to not appear as though you are prodding her answers and in a casual setting discuss again her wish to not attend the wedding and why. I'd not even let daughter know she was being recorded so as to make things much more natural sounding instead of scripted (because they will want to make it appear YOU scripted it instead of 4 year old dd).

Then don't say a word about it to husband and just don't hand her off for visitation. Just go away with dd (don't stay at your house where xh can come over and create a scene) and don't answer your phone.

He'll have to either cancel/postpose the wedding or get married.

If he postpones he could file a petition with the court since you've violated the court ordered visitation but WITH a recording that he DOES NOT WANT TO SEE (who'd ever want to see their 4 year old daughter talk like that), he'll likely drop such petition and chalk it up. Maybe he won't care...but, you'll have a documented reasonable excuse to tell the judge. Remember, in the end, you are protecting yourself from the charge of alienation of parental rights. Judges don't like parents who play games with their childrens feelings for the other parent...so you need to document that these AREN'T YOUR feelings but daughters...unprompted feelings.

If he's married...great...dd missed it. If not...and he postponed it...you'll likely never be made aware of the next date such wedding is to take place. They will just pick dd up for visitation and suprise DD with the wedding. In that case...nothing you can do, but, at least YOU didn't condone it and you protected your daughter to the extent possible AND as your daughter requested.

Mr. Wondering

If custody has been established and she is supposed to be with her father this weekend there is nothing you can do about it.

Refusing to grant the father visitation is a good way to lose custody. You absolutely cannot be a hostile parent.

Unfortunately, this is the worst part of divorce. You have to let go, even when you know it is not in your child's best interest. I have been there, I know how upsetting it is.