There is a strong possibility that your friend told her he couldn't have anything to do wtih her as long as she was WITH you, hence her moving out.

I told her that moving out doesn't solve anything. I believe she is trying to get back at me for exposing this to her family. She tried a couple of other things to get back at me for doing that and all have failed. I think this is a desperate attempt to get my attention. I have up until now told her we would proceed in a civil matter, but this breaks that agreement. She said she needs space away from me and my emotions. I told her that I haven't given her any problems emotionally in at least 5 days. I think also it will be a chance for her to get back with OM w/o me seeing it. I know if she leaves, we're definitely done for. I don't know if guilt is leading her away. I wished she hadn't done that right before bed, now I'm having trouble falling asleep again, just when I thought the mind games have stopped, here we go again.
She does not have access to my money, I stopped auto deposits into our account last week, with good reason. I don't know that her parents will care, but I may consult them further at this point. I believe she has her mom on her side.
She doesn't want to work on the marriage, she has never wanted to work on it, but for some reason she wants to make this harder on me, for reasons I have no idea about. I have been nothing but nice to her, but I'm losing the ability to be nice if she's going to act immature about it. The excuse is that she needs space from me. I will talk to her tomorrow morning about it and once again attempt to change her mind. She knows my main weakness in the past has been her drunken allnighters , but instead of going out for one night, she's going to leave for several nights at an attempt to make this even harder.

I didn't think breaking off from OM was going to be easy for her. I told her I would find somewhere else for her to move, but there aren't any other real possibilities at this point and I'm not paying anything out of pocket for her to stay anywhere.
She did try and tell me that I was going to be responsible for the electricity if she moved out, to which I quickly corrected her and told her that, I would not be, because she has a place to live, no reason for her to move out. I will try and get some rest and discuss this with her in the morning.

That might not be enough.

Cancel all joint credit cards.

Remove your name from any joint accounts.

Consider and deal with any other ways that she may borrow money that YOU may have to pay back.

Trying to "reason" with her at this point is quite likely futile. She needs to find out the tough way that her choices and her actions have consequences.

You need to completely cut her off finacially, banks, credit cards. WW will have to pay her own bills. Let her feel some consequences for annoucing that she is moving out.

If your wife moves out I think it will be time to plan B her.

Thanks Man In Motion. I will take that advice to heart today and follow it.
I will get my name removed from all accounts asap.

Thank you.
35

Ok, but right now I have been paying 50/50 of all bills, CC's, house payment, etc. Are you saying that I shouldn't be doing that? I know that you might not be a lawyer, just wondering what my part is supposed to be here. I probably should seek a lawyer's assistance as well, correct?

Quit arguing with her. She will say all kinds of crazy things right now. Your mantra, and answer to almost EVERYTHING is that you love her and will do whatever it takes to save the marriage.

Her: When I move out, you're going to have to pay all the electric bill, because I won't be here using electricity.
You: It hurts me when you talk about moving out. I love you and would very much like you to remain here. I'll do whatever it takes to save this marriage.

She's baiting you and trying to start a fight so that when you fight back she has proof that you're a monster and she's right to leave you. She's picking a fight so she can soothe her own guilt. Don't fall for that trap.

I have up until now told her we would proceed in a civil matter, but this breaks that agreement.
I know if she leaves, we're definitely done for.
Are you in this for the long haul or not?
Seriously consider this.
There is no guarantee you will recover your marriage, and if you do it is a marathon, not a sprint. If you are not in this for the long haul than Mark, Mel, and others are wasting their time here. Time that could be better spent on someone who's serious about trying to save their marriage.


I told her that moving out doesn't solve anything.
I will talk to her tomorrow morning about it and once again attempt to change her mind.
You cannot educate a wayward spouse.
They are incapable of hearing the message, and they will feel manipulated and controlled. Educating her at this point is counter-productive so just learn to bite your tongue.

I told her that I haven't given her any problems emotionally in at least 5 days.
She doesn't want to work on the marriage, she has never wanted to work on it...
...she wants to make this harder on me, for reasons I have no idea about.
...she's going to leave for several nights at an attempt to make this even harder.

Read up on disrespectful judgments and watch for them in your every day dealings with her. You say you have been nothing but nice to her, but I would wager she sees things quite differently.

If the house is in both names she should have to pay half the bills running the house. This most likely will not leave her enough money to move out if she has to pay to maintain two households. Thus you will be making the affair too hard for her to afford.

If all the cars are in your name, and she has been helping to pay. If she refuse's to continue you helping to make payments. Then don't let her use your 2nd car. If you can't afford it, quietly sell it. Don't make her having an affair easy.

She has those clothing credit cards, she pays them.

35, what is she moving out for? To pursue the OM or to pursue drinking all night? Does she have a drinking problem? Is she addicted?

none of this adds up to me. A wife doesn't just abandon her home to go drinking all night. But she will abandon her home to pursue an affair. That is why I think something big is missing here. I strongly suspect that your "friend" is lying about this all.

Perhaps so, and I don't call him a friend anymore. I don't buy the fact that they were just 'friends' anymore. Perhaps it's the guilt, she says there's too much stress. Between school, work, and friends, she can't take living at home anymore? Right. Because she's never there anyways and we rarely run into each other at work. I think there's something more at play here. She told me she would stay away from OM, and I could hire a PI to follow her if I didn't believe her, but I don't have the money to do that. No matter what I say, she's said she will move out tonight regardless.

ok, so does she plan on moving in and out as the spirit moves her?

She isn't moving out to get even with you, she's moving out to get horizontal with OM without having to anser to you. She is addicted to the way OM makes her feel. I'm not talking similar cravings to an addiction here, but a real live addiction. Her drug of choice is OM though it sounds like she is self-medicating with alcohol as well. The chemicals at play in the brain are the same during an affair as while smoking crack.

But she might be using booze as a way to lessen her inhibitions and relax her morals so that she feels better about the affair with OM. That would mean she might be conflicted by this, and that could be a good sign.

But the bottom line is that she wants to go boink OM in peace. Where she moves to is not the point. Whether next to OM or next to a convent in France, the only difference is how long she has to travel in order to get her fix from OM. No matter where she lives, she wants to leave to spend time with him.

Don't help her! That includes helping her find a better place to live, loading the car with her clothes or picking up the tab for her to continue the affair.

Mark

Good question, I couldn't get an ETA on when to expect her to return, so I have no idea.

I understand Mark. I won't help her at all. She moved, went for a hug with me, and I let her have one, not sure why. Anyways, not sure I even want to hang around and wait at this point. You all have given me a lot of good advice, but I'm not going to sit and wait for her to change her mind. I am going to seek legal advice at this point. I still have my name on a couple of joint accounts with her and I'm working to get that changed. I have been in some talks with her.
The odd part to me here, is, she still wants the friendship of me and maybe it's so that a divorce would go smoothly, I'm not really sure. Every time I start to talk about the divorce she wants, she gets angry and upset. Why would she get angry? She's the one that wants the divorce and wants to move forward with it, but is taking no actions toward it, other than talk of divorce and moving out. I can't afford to be financially liable with her different moods, so I've already started the financial split.
At this point, I don't know if I even want my wife back, if this is the kind of person that she has turned into. At what point do you say to yourself, this woman has changed into something unimaginable and I couldn't see life with her as this new person again? Just some of the questions going thru my mind. I'll update as I can. Thank you all for staying with me on this.

35,

I've been thinking about your WW's top 3 ENs:
1.) Recreational Companionship
2.) Financial Support
3.) Physical Attractiveness

Why do you think these are her top three? The reason I ask is that if you are busting your tail meeting these ENs, and they are low on her list, your efforts will not even register with her.

You need to be putting your efforts where they will have a big impact.

I guess I don't know what here EN's are. They seem to be that she needs financial support, which I'm unsure if I'm willing to give at this point. Emotional Support I have given as much as possible. I still do the chores that she made such a big deal about, but that won't seem to matter, since she's not even living there now. I suppose that to really impress her, I could clean the house immaculate and that would really be something she would want and give me something to do in her abscence. I know she would like me to clean up certain rooms, because she wants to get the house ready to sell for a divorce. I'm not feeling so emotional towards her anymore.
I know you all have tried your best to help, but emotionally, I don't really care anymore. I don't know if this is typical, but I know that I need to start protecting my assets and seeking legal advice, because everything I try hasn't worked and she thinks I'm emotionally unstable. Initially I was, I'll admit it, but now I don't really have any emotions that contain her. I feel like I'm emotionally losing a connection to her. I appreciate the efforts you all have given, but I think it's hopeless at this point. If she wants to move on with her life, then that's fine. I don't know where she went from mature to immature in a lot of ways, but I don't even care anymore. I think the easiest thing would be to recoup what I can, and find another woman who has her mind and maturity in the right place. Why keep trying to save something that only 1 person is interested in saving?
Funny how I don't want to seek counseling anymore and she does and even on her tight budget she wants me to go. There's no reason, that counselor is only going to give her hope, she wants friendship without love, a divorce without complications. She wants her cake and wants to eat it too. I have no anger anymore, never had vindictiveness, I just want life to move on, whether she's in the picture or not at this point. I just want to be happy again and once she moved out, initially it stung a little, but I'm fine with it at this point. More house for me to enjoy alone. Thank you all.

The reason she wants to remain friends is becausen she doesn't want you to complain while she sticks it to you. She doesn't burn that bridge in case her affair doesn't work out. I would let her know you have no interest in being "her friend" but are only interested in being her H. Let her know if this does go to divorce, it won't be friendly and you will not remain "friends" with someone who lied and cheated you.

The reason you need to tell her this is because it will give her second thoughts if she knows you will not be there for her if she continues her affair. A "friend" does not lie and cheat.

So she can help you accept her adultery and abandonment and go along with it. C is a waste of time at this point.