WW and I are recovering. Mostly good. Just wondering how do I get past the thought that I was 2nd best during the A? My wife choose the OM over me in terms of wanting to be with him more, wanting to talk with him more, etc. Ultimately she choose to end it with the OM after I busted them but I almost feel like I'm the runner up prize. I feel like she had 'true' love and a deep connection with the OM that she never had with me and even though she choose me I can't help but feel like I will be competing against this OM for the rest of my life. I feel a big part of her choosing me was because of the situation - history, kids, house, etc. and not necessarily because she loves me so much more then the OM.

As BS, we have to find our own way of forgiveness and getting past the hurt.

If you buy into the MB principles you come to understand that while in the A, your wife was an alien who did things, said things and thought things that just weren't herself. Does that absoluve her ABSOLUTELY NOT.

But she was like an addict who only cared about that "HIGH" feeling she was getting.

The hurt you feel is so real, but you have a chance at creating a new and magnificent marriage and learning from the past.

There are so many of us who would love to have that chance, in spite of being second choice.

Because in the end, your wife is at home with you.

I've always had a big problem with this line of thinking.

Your WS WAS NOT an "alien". They were not an "addict". They were cold, calculating, and knew exactly what they were doing the entire time, unless your WS is part of the 0.001% of cheaters who are literally crazy.

They formulated a plan, and figured out how to get what they wanted in a way that would be least likely to get them busted. Let's see a crackhead do that.

The WS sitting next to you now is the exact same person that was screwing OP.

Fog, aliens, addiction...all tools the BS uses to make themselves feel better about their WS.

No matter what you believe, pretend for a minute that I'm correct.

Would you still want to reconcile?

Thanks. I guess I'm still having a tough time getting past the hurt. I'm trying to believe the addict, alien, fog concept of the way WS thing but I have to admit it is a tough sell on me. Especially since my wife has pretty much admitted she thought her feelings were real towards the OM.

I just want to point out that I due truly feel lucky that my wife saw the error of her ways and came back to our family. I realize it could be much worse and have much sympathy for all the people out there fighting for their spouses to come back home. I apologize if I came across selfish in not understanding it could be a lot worse.

Sorry but i have always had the same belief as Krazy. They were not in a fog or abducted by aliens or high or drugs, they were SELFISH and only thinking about themselves.

I know everyone is different but i am almost 2 years in and i still feel second best, second choice, only came home because it was easier.

Lots of others here would disagree however. I think you just need to get through the way YOU can.

Good Luck!!

SC

Yes, so the point is why did she have "real" feelings. You feeling second best seems to imply that you think it is due to some "magical" quality about the OM. This is buying into the fantasy.

The reality is she felt that way because she invested in it. If she invests in you/your M, she will one day say she realizes that her feelings towards you are "real".

Do you know your own value?

Upside_Down,

I don't know you, but I can hear your pain and I hope you will permit me to comment.

Please remember that you are a very short time past D-Day. OF COURSE you still feel second-best! That's the position your WW relegated you to in her life during her A, and she's not been on her new course long enough for the change to register in your love bank. You are still reeling from the pain. BREATHE!!!

You may have heard the old MB saw "the grass is greener where you water it." Neither of you was properly watering the grass in your marriage, which made it vulnerable to rot. When OM started watering her grass, it felt good. So she watered his back = you became second best.

But now you are both focusing on your OWN lawn. Once all that care seeps down to your roots, your grass will once again be green and you will get to the place where your temporary spot as "second best" is no longer relevant. You will never forget, but that place will no longer feel familiar to you. Promise.

Been there. Done that. Only caveat: She MUST maintain NC or all bets are off.

RHW

It's all perception.

How about thinking that "You were first, and are the last." Make the goal of you being the last.....forever....as the force that drives your relationship from this point on....

I differ from the others that have posted....Endorphines ARE drugs (chemicals) that go a long way into perceptions of people, and can skew/override normal/traditional sets of morals.

My FWW and I are 28 months into recovery, and we BOTH understand that OUR relationship is the most important part of our lives (along with our spiritual relationships). If you and/or your FWW don't view your relationship as a constant work in progress (which almost always is fun!) then building and improving a relationship becomes almost impossible....and thus you're stuck feeling second best.....You know you ARE the best....just show it!
MWIL

Were you really second best to a sleazebag who had an adulterous affair with a married woman? Is that the truth that you are second best to a low man?

Somehow I doubt that.

You are allowing yourself to be defined by the addictive longings of an addict who was out of her mind. But she does not define you.

Your mission is to recover your marriage and build such strong feelings of love in her love bank that they will push out any residual feelings for the OM. If you are both learning and implementing the MB concepts, that can happen.

And please, don't allow yourself to be defined by others lest you place yourself at their mercy. You know who you are, stick to that. Let the man in the mirror and the man above define you.

Upside Down,

I understand how you are feeling. I felt like that for a long time. My H and his FOW made plans for their future and my H moved out and waited for her to do the same. One year later, after several ultimatums, he realized that she would not leave her H, so... broke and defeated, he came home. I felt like I was the consolation prize.

But, with the support of everyone here, I realized that it doesn't matter WHAT gets the A to end, just so long as it does. I also counseled with Steve Harley and went to a lot of IC. Once I started placing value on myself, it was hard for me to look at myself as second best. While my H was caught up in a fantasy - and I disagree with those who say that it is not - I was the one who remained strong, steadfast, and committed. I WAS THE PRIZE! It just took a while for my H to see that. Now that we are well along in recovery,I hear that from him all of the time. My H faces the reality of his A all the time. At first, it was sort of a superficial acknowledgement of what he had done, but with time and counseling he has been able to delve deeply into all of the ugly realities of his A and all of the consequences and is truly remorseful.

Take it one day at a time, take care of yourself, and follow the advice of the pros.

God bless.

I absolutely would, sorry for the threadjack....

Krazy, I am an addict/alcoholic. I can tell you from EXPERIENCE from my drinking and using days it is the SAME THING. If you aren't one, you can't understand how anyone can do the things they do. But I DO. I understand the OVEWHELMING desire to feel that HIGH. The ability to LIE, CHEAT, and STEAL to get that fix. The absolutel NOT CARING about anything or anyone. I lived that, I did that. The cold, calculating plans of how to get what I want no matter who it hurts or what damage it causes. That is real. As an addict myself, I PROMISE you, that is real.

It's the same thing as drinking or using. I didn't come to this acceptance to make myself feel better. It made it worse, because I realized how and what I was fighting and didn't stand a chance. Because in MY SITCH, my H is an addict/alcoholic and I knew he was in his ADDICTION full force. And sadly, he will have to hit rock bottom and possibly lose his life over this A.

I've done enough drugs and drank enough alcohol to know better, too.

It's not true. An affair IS NOT an addiction. It's just something some people want really badly. It's like a spoiled kid wanting a Playstation 3 for Christmas. If they don't get one, they'll pout for days...maybe even weeks. Is it because of a literal addiction to video games? NO. It's just a spoiled brat who pouts when things don't go their way.

If affairs are an addiction, then show me the puking. The shaking. The cold sweat. Show me the REAL DTs when they try to quit. Being depressed and mopey? Hardly the signs of letting go of a real addiction. Gambling and sex are two more phoney addictions that fall into this same category. Pure crap.

Calling it an addiction takes some of the blame off the WS when they are "in its grasp". Calling them an addict takes some of the blame off of them and onto the "awful" substance they are addicted to.

It's crap. They are clear-headed and very aware of every decision they make. They ARE NOT addicts.

This may be true Queenie but you have not been a WS so you do not know if they have that same feeling.

I for one have always felt the same way Krazy does, it is plain old SELFISHNESS period.

Krazy and Still, I would absolutely disagree with you on this one issue. And its cool because I am usually the one who doesn't ever stand up for what she believes, so I'm not trying to fight you as much as be the NEW ME.

Since I have not watched my WH go through any withdrawals I can't answer you at all. But there are certainly many on here who have written about the withdrawals from the OP.

When I stopped drinking, stopped using, I didn't go through any withdrawals. But I can tell you I lived the mind set of alcoholism. I lived the behaviors and that's what I am talking about. Our minds are out to destroy us. We are capable of doing anything, hurting anyone for our next fix. We are cold, we are calculating and we are determined to escape from the realities of life.

I'm trying to find the place in the big book where SELFISHNESS is the root of all our troubles. My computer won't download it, but I will be back...

Sorry Queenie but this is one we will just have to agree to disagree on. No one has ever been able to convince me of the "fog" or whatever you want to call it since i have been on MB and i doubt anyone ever will.

I don't believe that anyone is arguing that selfishness isn't a big part of it...Selfishness is at the root of ALL addictions...Selfishness and thoughtlessness is what allows you to take the first step into it all...

It makes no difference to ME, if Krazy or StillCrazy believe me when I say that I most definitely was NOT myself once the chemicals started racing through my system...Doesn't change our recovery one whit...It DOES however change theirs, (or at least they appear to be letting it change theirs - I could be wrong) and I think that is sad for them...They are RIGHT that the first choices that led to the affair were NOT about addiction at all...They WERE solely about selfishness, and at least for me, a belief that "I would NEVER cheat", so I could allow myself to play with fire...Once those first choices were made, and the chemicals were released that is what drove me to use a *gasp* double negative stating "I can't not do this" -- I've never felt so compelled to do something in my life...I was driven in a way that I find very difficult, if not impossible to explain...I would have given my precious dd away to get my "fix"...UNTHINKABLE to me prior to that time and certainly unthinkable to me now...I was there, I lived it and I KNOW...And I'm not driven to say this by Mr. W either...Mr. W would be okay regardless...the addiction scenario doesn't make anything easier for him and it wouldn't be harder for him if it wasn't true -- the affair still happened afterall, regardless of why, how, etc...Who he is did not then, nor does it now, depend on who I am or what I do...Mr. W chose to stay with me because that was what he wanted to do...He ACTS, he does not REACT...Now, if I would have continued down the wayward path, I KNOW that his choice would have been different...He saw genuine remorse and changes and that fit with what he wanted in his life...


I wanted to address this...Of course she thought her FEELINGS were real, they were REAL...She DID feel them...What wasn't real though was the scenario that they were playing out in...The affair relationship didn't exist in the way that a real world relationship does...It didn't have the same qualities of a real life relationship...I liken affairs to shows like The Bachelor on a smaller scale...Put people together in a world where there are private jets, gourmet meals, couture clothing, limosines and NO BILLS, NO ILLNESS, NO CRYING CHILDREN, NO MORNING BREATH, NO JOB LOSS, NO DEATH or SERIOUS ILLNESS IN THE FAMILY...EVERYBODY PUTTING THEIR BEST FOOT FORWARD...For goodness sakes, OF COURSE feelings of giddiness, butterflies in stomach and gaga feelings of "LURVE" result...Additionally, in an affair there is a BS there continuing to meet other needs...It's not surprising that the addicted WS thinks they have made the discovery of the century...It's sick, twisted and wrong, but it makes sense...

Please KNOW that you are NOT second best...One day, hopefully soon, if she hasn't already, your wife will realize this herself and let you know how wrong that belief is...You are the one still standing by her after all that she has put you through...She is a very, very lucky lady...You ARE the number one, best, and most perfect choice...Always were and always will be...

Best,

Mrs. W

agreed.

Krazy, I'm so OK with this, because I have grown and changed.

I'm not kidding, there was a time when disagreeing would have destroyed me, but it's just ok to disagree and it doesn't make me wrong or you right or me right or you wrong and that is something I truly didn't understand or ever experience.

Enough on that....

thank you Mrs. W for so eloquently putting this in.

I'm not very good at saying things a lot of the times, but your words, awesome.

*Another tidbit on the way that I view addiction...I don't view it in the "I can't help it" sense...I do view it as a choice...I believe that an addict DOES bear responsibility for choosing to put themselves in that position...So, while addiction may explain some aspects of an affair, it in no way excuses it...

Mrs. W

ETA: Thank you for your kind words Queenie!