I'm not sure that this will be greeted here with much enthusiasm, but through my journey of recovery with my FWH, I have found that I feel a need to express my own responsibility for the A. It is not an excuse, nor does it make what my H did right. He was WRONG to go outside of our M. But I am looking at the things that I have done throughout our M that I am changing in order to make it better. And I am working on this letter for my H so that I can share those changes with him and validate some of the experiences he may have had through our M.

I want to share this because I think it is part of the recovery process for me, and it may be part of the process for others.

Be forewarned. It's long...


Dear H,
I think that the beginning of our relationship was simply a product of our ignorance. I didn’t have a true understanding of how to “feed” a relationship. My relationships had always been somewhat superficial. When I look at my long-term relationships with first BF and second BF, they didn’t address emotional needs. I wasn’t working on connecting with them. It happened somewhat because we spent most of our recreational time together, but I think that was coincidence.

My parents did a lot of things together, but they also did a lot of things apart. I didn’t see my role models as teaching me that it was essential to “play” with your spouse. And I didn’t see the interactions between my mom and dad that encouraged emotional connections. When we were first married, it mirrored a lot of what I saw in my parents’ relationship…we enjoyed the time that we spent together, but we spent lots of time apart too. It seemed normal.

When I say that my relationships were superficial, I think I never really understood what connection meant. I don’t know that I saw sharing emotionally as a necessary part of a relationship. It sounds odd to say that, knowing what an emotional creature I am. I know that I would say loving things, but beyond that, I didn’t understand the need for or nurture a deeper comprehension of emotions.

I realize that throughout our marriage, I expected you to be there for me all the time…when the kids were cranky, when I couldn’t keep up with the housework, when the bills were due, when I was sad or lonely or tired…but I wasn’t really there for you. I expected you to be my knight in shining armor, to save me when things got tough. But I don’t remember really thinking about what you might need. I was very self-centered. I think that sometimes I still am. I am sorry that I expected you to always be there for me, regardless of your needs.

When you would call and tell me that you were working late, I was angry with you for leaving me with the kids or for leaving me alone. I never considered how you might feel about it. I always assumed that you liked what you were doing and that you never felt bad. My assumptions allowed me to feel like you were always doing things “against” me, even when those things might just as much be “against” you. I think I took it personally and I’m sure that my reactions punished you for what I perceived as unfair to me. I just didn’t consider your emotions in it at all.

Even when we were working with MC, he focused more on us telling the other person what we needed, not looking at the things that we could do to show love to each other. I needed to learn how to express love to you in a way that you could hear and understand it. I never really thought about that much at all. I tried to show you I loved you, but without really considering how you received it. I just sort of expected you to receive it however I gave it and be glad that I was there to love you. I was more of a prize for you and you were a just-compensation for me. I felt like I deserved to be cared for but I didn’t look at what you deserved.

I know that I did “token” gestures of kindness for you, things that I thought would make you happy. I would buy you presents or make you things. I had a genuine desire to please you. I really wanted you to be happy, but I didn’t really look at you as a person and think, “what does he need on a daily basis to feed his emotional side.” The idea of admiring you verbally or praising your efforts wasn’t something I really considered. It wasn’t something that I had ever been taught to do.

When I think about not considering your emotions, it gets confusing. I did think about things that you would like. But it was superficial. I was looking at the things that would please you in the moment. These were things like choosing a movie that you would like to watch, making a meal that you would enjoy, encouraging an activity that you liked. I didn’t really look at you as someone with emotional needs. Part of that is from my upbringing. I don’t remember my mom ever really “giving” to my dad in emotional ways. My impression (and I guess it is societal) was that men didn’t need to be given emotional things. I think I actually believed that men didn’t want emotional things…that they preferred to avoid all things emotional.

I am sorry that I neglected your emotional needs. These needs are things that you have had from the beginning…I just didn’t recognize them. I thought that I was meeting your needs by giving you a family, a warm meal, a clean house (sometimes). And I think that for a long time, those things might have been what you expected should make you happy. Both of us were ignorant. But I apologize for not looking at you as an emotional being with your own emotional needs. I am sorry that I didn’t listen to what you needed.

I hope that in the next fifty years, we will be able to create a relationship of balance and happiness. I hope that you will learn how to express your desires and I will learn how to listen to them. I hope that we will create a relationship where communication is the norm…one where our needs are met because we feel free to share them with each other. I hope that we build a marriage where we each are able to hold the other up as our prize and that we deserve the title. I hope to learn to love you the way that you need to be loved and I hope that you learn to love me in the way that I need to be loved.

MS

Here is a sign of my enthusiam for you

I think you getting to the point of wanting to write this letter is a great sign of personal progress.

I can see from your letter than you plan on being a much more observant, present, caring and loving mate and I hope that your H plans on being the same for you.

Isnt that the end goal of what we are all here striving to do?

I don't see this as any form of an apology - which I would've dug my fingers in my ears and screamed "NONONONONONONONONO!" at.

I see it as a realization...and it's GOOD.

Yummy good.

I ADORE the analogy that you must feed your relationship because it IS a living, breathing entity that must be nurtured and cared for.

I love this post.

Love it.

Why the 7-month gap between your first d-day and "real" recovery in September?

I'm not familiar with your story, or I've forgotten. This adultery stuff has fried my ability to easily retain information on the first attempt.

FWH told me in February and we began to rebuild. It went ok for awhile but slowly we hit a blockade. H was trying to change things but felt like he didn't know exactly how to change. And I was trying to lead him through this recovery without really understanding the things that HE needed.

It changed when we met our third MC. H and this guy connected. The MC expressed things that H wanted to express but didn't know how. From that moment on, things were different. H and I both began looking at our parts in this M...and he started to change his actions because HE wanted to, not just to appease me.

Some of the key things that have changed:

We hang out together and talk nightly for at least an hour...at the beginning it was more about the relationship, now it's more conversational or fun.

We have weekly business meetings to discuss household stuff so that the rest of the week is NOT business.

We lock the door at night and sleep naked. Sounds silly, but it makes it much more intimate.

We learned to praise one another immediately when there are things that make us feel loved. We call it, "Giving each other M&Ms."

We have learned to look at things from our spouses perspective and empathize with their situation.

We play together regularly.

I wrote a long thread awhile back, but OW found it and I had the mods delete the whole thing. Now I just post every now and again.

MS

Krazy, it's not 7 months.......it's over 2 years that she dealt with multiple D-Days, false recoveries and death by a thousand swords. 3 year LTA.




Mogi,

I believe you have expressed all these things to him verbally over the past year. I hope the letter gives you both something you can reflect upon over time. I'm sure you put a lot of thought into this and I hope it allows more healing for both of you.


"I have found that I feel a need to express my own responsibility for the A".

This statement REALLY bothers me. But at least it's not in your letter.

tst - you're right, it was much longer than seven months. I think Krazy71 is referring to the 2008 ddays and not the 2006 one. That's what I responded to.

But I forgot something that was essential in between the last dday in August and the real recovery. There was a point of shift. I went from worrying about how I was going to help US recover, to how I was going to help ME recover. I know that we're all in it for the both of us, but I needed to come to a point where I was responsible for my happiness and if H wanted to be a part of it, then he would be. It happened right before we met our MC so I guess I thought more about the shift in thinking related to MC. But the shift began when I started to really focus on making myself happy.

Krazy...
My H had a LONG TERM AFFAIR. It started in 2004 and I thought it was an EA for the first year - fighting him tooth and nail to end the "friendship." He led me to believe that he ended it in 2006 but actually continued the A for another two years. It was a PA the whole time. He ended it on his own and then told me about it three months later. That's the Feb 2008 dday. The last dday was when I realized that H wasn't truly participating in our recovery, rather just trying to appease me.

tst - sorry the comment troubles you. I don't mean that I am responsible for the A, but rather that there are ways that I hurt H through our M that I want to recognize. I do not absolve him in the least for his actions...they were malicious and hurtful. In fact, he has since equated himself with my first BF who was what I considered to be abusive. I now am seeing that H was just as abusive to me. I think when I agreed to stay in the M, I forgave H, but I will NEVER forget and I have not processed all of the anger yet.

PS. I haven't given this to H...I'm not sure that I want to yet.

MS

I am so glad that you changed your focus from wallowing in the misery of your sitch to building your positive self image. I just wish that other BS's would catch a glimpse of this phenomenon in action.

The discovery of an MC that "clicks" with FWH is God's blessing. Don't forget to thank Him.

I'm a tad puzzled by the above quoted remark. Doesn't FWH know that you post on this forum?

My H knows that I post here occasionally now. I have really quit my own thread since the OW started reading it. So I'm not sure that I will pursue any thread for long.

My H has never been interested in reading my posts here. It's not his thing. And he feels like anything that I want to tell him, I will tell him.

I guess my comment about not being sure if I want to share the letter with him comes down to the fact that these realizations are mainly for ME. It isn't really an apology as much as an acceptance of my part in our M. These are things that H knows. And I don't need to tell him.

BTW...I thank God for the miracles we've experienced here every day.
MS

I printed out the letter today to give to H. He came into the office and asked what I was working on. I told him it was a letter for him and he sounded a bit worried. I told him he was welcome to read it and he responded, well, of course he could read it if it was for him.

I told him it started out as an apology letter and has really become more of a realization letter. I told him that I was looking at the things that I have done in our M...the things that I needed to change or work on more.

He said that maybe the letter would make him feel better about himself. I don't think that my letter will do that. He has recently been in a true state of remorse. I can see the pain in his face when he talks about hurting me. I think he has come to some realization of the depth of the pain that he caused me and is feeling the guilt and pain associated with it.

I don't know that my letter will help him to feel "better," but I hope that it shows him that we are both on a path of change and discovery...that we both are working to make our M incredible.

MS

While this is good both of you need to know that there will come a time when it mustn't be dwelled upon so much.

The Wookie has the ability to twist himself into knots over what he did...and that's good and all, but there comes a point where I (as a BS) just want it done.

I'm all, "quit twisting in knots and BREATHE already."

You are so right about needing to move beyond the pain. I think that is part of why I am feeling this need to find forgiveness. We don't talk a whole lot about the A any more...just the occasional trigger (it's only been 9 months and his A lasted 3+ years).

I think that part of the reason he is still working through these things is that H really didn't start participating in our recovery (HIS recovery) until August. That makes is only 3 months of real recovery. He never went through this in the first six months (maybe another sign that it was a false recovery). He has only started to deal with his own feelings of responsibility for the A.

I see him doing things to help heal...and a lot of them are not so much because those things bother him, but because he realizes how much he hurt ME and how much he doesn't want to hurt me anymore.

Just a couple things he did without my asking that help me to see that he gets the pain:

He gave away the motorcycle jacket she gave him (something he needed and we cannot afford to replace so I was just living with).

He changed how he drove to a job because her name was one of the streets and it reminded him of how much it would hurt me.

He is looking through a new lens the things that he did and the things that he does now. He SEES things clearly now. He is no longer possessed. I feel like he is finding his way to his own desire for forgiveness...something that I think I already gave him, but that he may need to ask for in his own way.

It is such a pleasure to read words like these!

Praise God.

Some have not read my story and my thread is gone (at my request) because OW found it. I have a new name here and the hope that she will not look for it again. So here's a recap of my story.

In 2004, H started working nights with OW. They worked alone together for 12 hour shifts. I HATED it. He said they were just friends. We fought about it all the time. For almost a year, we fought about his "friendship" with OW. She came to our house with her children to play. We went to their house for birthday parties and for New Year's Eve. H talked with her for hours on end every night. I tried to be friends with her thinking that if I made friends with her, she would certainly never do anything to hurt me. I even invited her to help plan H's surprise birthday party.

Then in 2005, H and OW both got fired for some "unknown" reason. Nobody would talk about it. They continued their friendship...I continued to hate it. And then I caught them in a lie. It was a small lie, but it was the end for me. I told H he needed to choose (at this point he denied any A...just "friendship"). He ended it with her on the phone. Or so I thought.

Apparently (and I didn't learn this until much later) he "accidentally" called her about three months later, they started talking, and the A was back on.

About six months after that (Fall 2005), H moved to another state for business...coming home regularly to see us...it was a HORRIBLE decision in hindsight, but we were both ignorant. The long distance marriage thing continued for 18 months. There were a couple of times in that time span that I had hints that H might have talked with OW, but he denied them.

Then the boys and I moved to join H (Spring 2007). I found evidence that H had seen OW, but he denied it. Then he admitted that he might have seen her for coffee once. I was livid. His response was "When are you ever going to get over this?" I called his best friend (hoping he would knock some sense into H). BF and his W came to our house and we talked. H and I even talked about renewing our vows...a new start in a new state with OW as history.

When I went back to our old house for our things, a soured business partner of H came by and told me that H was cheating on me. At first I didn't believe anything he said...he was mad at H for a business deal that went south. He told me about a lot of sordid things - hookers in Las Vegas, barmaids, flirtations, but the one thing that caught my attention was that he was talking with someone from OW's hometown (it was OW of course). I was devastated. I didn't know what to believe. H had sworn to me that he was not talking with OW at all. Remember, we had just been through another big argument about her when I found out he had seen her for coffee once.

I called H and screamed...I couldn't think straight I was so upset. Here I had believed him and moved our family away from my job, my family, my friends...and this is how he repays me...with lies! I told H what I knew and he admitted that he had been talking with her on the phone. Remember, I still didn't know that there was ever a PA. We had a big talk about it and he agreed (yeah, right) never to talk with her again.

Then a few months later (November 2007), he went back to our hometown on business. I was completely freaked out that he would see her. He swore that he didn't. There was a charge for a hotel near her place (she's M with kids) and I flipped out. He explained it away - said that they made reservations for a hotel near the airport with a similar name and accidentally made it at this one. Then when they didn't cancel the reservation, the hotel charged them. And I believed him (can you say denial?).

This brings us to 2008. One Sunday night, H sits down with me and says, "I don't know how to say this, so I'm just going to say it." I asked him if he was leaving and he answered, "I hope not." He admitted that it had been a PA from about six months in. He admitted that she had come to visit him several times. He admitted that when he would visit us at home, he would go to see her too. He admitted that he had ended it with her in November 2007 and that they had had no contact since then.

We went through a lot of the ups and downs of recovery that are expected. And a few that were mainly because H wasn't really in recovery yet. He still took a couple of trips for work that freaked me out - one to Las Vegas where I don't think I slept the whole time he was away. He still made snide remarks about meeting up with women during work hours - just off-color jokes that he thought were funny and I found painful. He still flirted with other women in front of me - one in particular that caused some trouble. He didn't understand why I was so unhappy about these things. He just didn't GET IT.

All of this changed about three months ago. I felt like I was pulling my H through recovery by the nose. I felt like he just didn't "get" what boundaries were...he would refer to them as MY boundaries, not his. He couldn't see how the little things that he expected me to deal with were killing me.

I don't know if what happened for us is something that would happen for everyone, and I can only tell you the chain of events that led us into a real recovery, but I hope that it can help.

First, we had been trying to recover for about 6 months from a 3+ year A. H seemed remorseful, wanted to be there for me, made some changes, talked with me more. I was really pushing the MB principles and he was accepting them somewhat. We had a few battles with boundaries, but all in all I felt like he was sort of trying...definitely better than the last three years.

Then there was a big fight. It could have been about anything, but it was about sex. I told him that it was an EN for me and could we compromise on the amount (his need was nill). He told me that he was disgusted by me...that all of these things he was changing was making him resent me and find me unattractive. I spiraled into a horrible pity party. With MB, I should have done Plan B. And in a sense I did a modified Plan B soon thereafter.

Well, the people here picked me up, brushed me off, kicked me in the butt, and told me to STOP FOCUSING ON H! They told me to quit thinking about him altogether and look at what would make ME happy. Then the "divine intervention" happened. I was driving home one night and two songs came on the radio back to back..."Settlin" - about deciding that you're done settling for crumbs, and then "Stand" - about how when you are at the bottom, you need to just get back up and stand. I stopped and prayed at the front door of a church that evening. I prayed for "strength and clarity" - something I pray for often now.

I went home and worked on me. I made a conscious decision to do things with the sole motivation of making me happy. I was kind to my H, but I made sure that everything I did was what I wanted to do...and not something to try to rebuild our M, or make him feel good, or what I thought he'd like, or what I thought I should do...just the things that I wanted to do. Of course, I still took care of the boys, but when I had free time, I found things for me to do at home.

I also made a point of shutting down all conversations about our relationship. Whenever H would start talking about "us," I would gently move the conversation away from that. I didn't let any heavy talk happen at all.

Something amazing happened...my H started to seek ME out. He would come into the office to see what I was doing. He would look for me on the back patio and sit down with me. He would ask ME what I wanted to do. There was a shift.

And then another big thing happened. We met a MC. We had been to several counselors and H had been more than willing to work with them, but it never seemed to help. This MC was different. He met with each of us separately.

I'm not sure exactly what was different for H, but somehow, he felt as if this MC understood that H was a good guy who did a bad thing. They looked into Hs FOO and H started to see that there were connections to his past that were motivating his behaviors now. Not that they excused those behaviors, but that it might be something one could eventually understand. And maybe that was all he needed to hear.

From that point on, H was the one leading the recovery. He started to open up about the things that he needed in order to feel loved. He talked about his past and the hurts that he had been through. He couldn't wait to talk with me every evening. We made a timeline of our M and walked through all of the places where we neglected it. He wanted to understand what had happened. I think the MC also helped H to understand the depth of the hurt he had caused me. He told me that he wanted to see the things that he had done so that he could apologize for them.

We changed other things too. We talk every night for at least an hour...in the beginning it was deep relationship talk, now it's more about the day or our thoughts/feelings. We lock the bedroom door and sleep in the nude (sounds silly, but it creates a great intimacy). We talk throughout the day. We have changed the people we do things with to some extent...focusing more on the married couples who are happy. We have weekly date nights.

I know this is really long, but I want you to know that it is possible.

The lyrics to "Stand" really say it all..."When push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of. You might bend till you break cos it's all you can take. On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough. You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off, then you stand."