Hi all, my name is Jennifer. I have been married to my husband Tim now for a year in Oct. We just had a son is June. He cheated on me with his ex..

He was married to his ex for 6 years they have 3 kids together. She kicked him out to be with another man she met online. That was around Thanksgiving 2006. We met right before Xmas 2006. We got together he moved in we broke up he stayed, even though we were not together he would do whatever and I just sat there waiting for him thinking it was only due to his divorce. Well he moved out and that is when we really started things. We moved in together again. I got pregnant with our son. His ex called said I want you back so I told him to go stay the night with her and see. He called me in the morning and said he was coming home he thought of me the whole time. We got married few months after that.

I always thought he still loved her. She was always calling and making us fight one way or another. The day I had our son we had his kids and she said she wasn’t going to get them he had to keep them last min she took them. ( She was mad he re-married and had another kid she is tied and can't have anymore when we first got together she offered to pay for him to get clipped but he didn’t).

I had our son in June. He was working and I also have a son from another relationship. So I went to my moms in KY to stay for 2 wks to recover from my C-section with our son. As I was away his ex emailed me on myspace telling me he cheated on me with her. He said NO.

Well long story short.. He did. In our home, when I was gone with our son. (I think that is what makes it hurt more.) Also, it was just one time. That was it, not saying it was ok just saying it wasn’t more then one time.

Its been almost 5 months now and I still can't seem to end my pain. Its harder because I have to deal with her all the time. He changed his number, don’t talk to her as much just about the kids and in front of me. She still tries to get us to fight all the time uses the kids against him.

I still love him but cant understand why he would do this to me. He sticks up for her all the time. Don’t let me have a say in anything about when we have the kids like its suppose to be Fri. at 3 to sun at 6 and she is always changing it and saying well if you don’t then you don’t get them and the whole child support thing is so messed up. I hate that woman with a passion wish she were gone forever.

He still don’t understand how bad I hurt. He don’t get it was worse with her then it would of been with some random woman we never had to see again. He thinks I should just get over it and be okay. He is mad I don’t trust him at all anymore.

I love him so much and yet cant stand him. The sex is kind of off track ever since I found out. Sometimes I just want him gone then I think and don’t want him to leave. I want to get past this.

What do I do?
How can I make it work?
What is a good way we can work on this?

Any help PLEASE!!!

Thank you,
Jennifer


PS:
Okay it wasnt like that when she called he didnt want to go there so i told him he will never know. as he was there she left to be with her woman. yeah she is now gay.

i was on the pill so we didnt try to get pg. his divorce was final in march and we stil were not together together then, we wree just dating. we didnt get together til aug of 07 almost year after they broke up. there is alot more to there story. he was also a computer gamer never getting off never payin att to her. she was naked in front of him and he didnt care that was what made her do that he couldnt get hard for her anymore. he dont play games like he use to we do things together he always gets hard and always touches me.

i just want to know what i can do myself to try to get past this..

jenny,

I am sorry that you find yourself in this position.



I think that the problem lies here:


You met him days after this...mere days.

The man clearly was NOT finished with his marriage. Even though she kicked him out...they were not divorced.


He has had license to go back and forth between the both of you.

I don't see a way that you can "fix" this.

HE has to be the one to do it.

You are caught in the fallout of their 'stuff'.

I would remove myself from it....but that's just me.

committed

I would remove myself and kids, find some counseling to find out why you are willing to do this when the man obviously doesn't respect you enough to do the right thing and wait for a divorce and a marriage license to get you pregnant.

Since she kicked HIM out, it's pretty obvious why he did it. He didn't want to give her up. That should have been your first clue.

If you can't afford counseling, go to www.unitedway.org and ask them to guide you. You're never going to fix this until you get more educated on what's going on with both of you.

okay it wasnt like that when she called he didnt want to go there so i told him he will never know. as he was there she left to be with her woman. yeah she is now gay.

i was on the pill so we didnt try to get pg. his divorce was final in march and we stil were not together together then, we wree just dating. we didnt get together til aug of 07 almost year after they broke up. there is alot more to there story. he was also a computer gamer never getting off never payin att to her. she was naked in front of him and he didnt care that was what made her do that he couldnt get hard for her anymore. he dont play games like he use to we do things together he always gets hard and always touches me.

i just want to know what i can do myself to try to get past this..

Him sticking up for her means he still has feelings for her and he doesn't want her to know that he is not defending her. He cares more about her feelings than yours.

So you can let him go back to her and get on with your life, or you can sit him down and say 'I can't accept us living like a threesome. If you can't agree to closing off contact with her then I can't stay with you.' Or whatever your decision is.

Basically, you have to value yourself. You should be more important to him than her. You have the right to expect him to care for you now. But until you value yourself enough to show him how you feel, he doesn't need to stop cake-eating.

You have the right to expect certain safety measures from him. Such as transparency, knowing where he is at all times, access to his phone records and internet track. That is what you need to do for yourself.

I think one of the problems is that he knows that you will be around no matter what he puts you through.

I believe in sticking it out and making it work no matter what as long as your partner respects you. Otherwise you are in for complete misery and a battery of your self-esteem.

For him to respect you he has to value you.

For him to value you, he has to know that if his treatment of you is below a certain standard, you will be gone.

So the first step is for you to decide what the minimum standard of treatment you will accept from him is. In your position I would not accept him being overly defensive of her when you feel you have a legitimate gripe. I also wouldnt accept being told that I didnt have a say in when his kids could come over.

Make that clear to him and if he can't abide by it - leave. If you don't he'll just continue to treat you this way. It might get better over time (it really might) but there's a good chance it will just get a lot worse. Don't bet your life and mental well being on that.

As for him being angry that you don't trust him. Perhaps he is genuinely sorry and genuinely believes he won't do it again and feels really frustrated that you won't trust him. It's unfair for him to put that frustration on you - since the situation is his fault not yours. But that may just be the way he's going to be about it for now.

You can't change that just now but what you can do is take some control over what behaviour from him you will accept.

I think you should sit him down - tell him exactly what you will and won't accept and tell him it's up to him how he wants to treat you. Don't make any threats about what you will or won't do if he doesnt treat you in that way. Wait to see what he does. If he doesnt give you the respect and consideration you have asked for just leave. When you leave tell him that you made it plain what you asked for and he didn't deliver so out of respect for yourself you are removing yourself from the equation.

And then really let him work to get you back.

If he doesnt work - he was never yours and never worth it.

Goodluck!

"I had our son in June. He was working and I also have a son from another relationship."

You probably won't like to hear this, but what you could do is to learn to respect yourself and to learn what MARRIAGE is all about.

The same need to learn what MARRIAGE is all about applies to your husband as well.

You could both also consider what surrendering your lives to Christ is all about. Or not. As always, the CHOICES are yours to make.