I have no friends I could ever tell this to.

My husband started a relationship with a woman around Sept. They have met and have had sex. It all started because this woman went to a health chat online to get tips. She had a cancerous mass removed from her breast in July. They got along just great. I have never had any experience like this in 17 years of marriage and 3 of dating. After 6 weeks of e-mailing her and secret meetings he confessed to me. He thought I should meet her and be friends with her. He is not one to open up to anybody but she was able to get to him. It might be had to understand my situation without all the background, but my hub is very special. He discovered that she would be an amazing asset to us since she is very smart, is very similar to us and makes his creative juices flow. He said he will not leave me. All he wants is to keep his girlfriend. He says I am the most important thing in his life and that if I am one with him, I will accept and embrace ou peculiar situation. I have spoken with her on the phone. She is very nice. I am having a very hard time accepting this. When I know he is with her I feel jealous. When I first found out I hacked into his e-mail and read all the correspondence they had exchanged. He seems to be in love with her as well as me. He said that he could never love her as much as he loved me because I had a 20 year advantage. I feel hurt. I am having a very hard time dealing with the pain in my soul. He told me this would make him happy (something he is not often becuase of his personality).

I just do not know how to accept and keep loving him. I feel like he will be divided. He has told my she expect eventually to do things you do with a gf like travel and stay over. That broke my heart.

Has anyone gone through this? How can I learn to accept this?

4,
sorry you are here. we have all found this site in the most terrible time in our lives. Do NOT accept your WH (wayward husband) having a girlfriend. I would suggest you start reading the posts on this site about Emotional Needs, Love Busters, etc. Read everything you can. First, you have to expose this to everyone you know. Affairs thrive in secrecy. By shining light on them (and exposing the terrible side), that implode rather quickly. Here is a thread you should read through that is a perfect exposure.

Exposure

Stick around here and ask lots of questions. You will get excellent advice.

4ever, if a woman came here and told you her husband was beating her up every day and that he really enjoyed it and planned to continue it, would you help her learn to accept it? Because adultery is as bad or worse than physical abuse.

Adultery is a traumatic as rape or the death of a child. People commit suicide, have nervous breakdowns and suffer years of post traumatic stress disorder from this. Dr. Harley is a clinical psychologist who has specialized in adultery for 35 years and he recommends that women tolerate the adultery for about 3-4 weeks if the affair won't end in order to protect their mental health. After that much time, women begin to crumble from the ABUSE.

Do you see that it is not a good idea to tolerate his affair? It will destroy you if you allow it.

go check this out and be sure and watch the video: here

Read all the links to the life under "Most popular links" to start

You should NOT learn to accept this! Adultery by any other name is still adultery. Your husband just happens to be more brazen than some, to think he can call it something else, and get you to help him have his cake and eat it too.

And this woman is NOT nice. She is willing to destory your life. Does she have a husband??

Please read up on the MB plan, and refuse to let them degrade you in this manner. Also, expose , expose, expose!

She is as "nice" as a rattlesnake. Is she married? Who is she?

Is your husband bi-polar???

This sounds like a mania cycle.

(NOT an excuse...could be an explanation)

Mr. Wondering

Your husband is having an affair. He's cheating on you, plain and simple. Seems like he's trying to talk you into an alternate lifestyle (swinging, polyamory). Big difference is that he did something behind your back without your consent! Even swingers would agree that that's cheating, plain and simple and should not be tolerated. Follow the MB plan and get back control of your life/marriage. The folks on here will help you. Don't let him talk you into anything that you're not comfortable with; you're not saving your marriage that way, just dooming it to a swift end.

[i]"I have no friends I could ever tell this to."[/i]

I understand your reluctance to tell a soul. Many of us here have suffered that exact pain. You feel so humiliated. You feel dirty. It lookss like you have been replaced for a better model, and you fear everyone will think it's all your fault. YOU may even think it's all your fault. STOP.

It's NOT. You trusted your husband, and he slipped the enemy into your life via a Trojan horse. And now he expects you to embrace her! Just a happy little menage a trois. Not gonna happen, and YOU can take the lead to stop it.

You have to understand that this is TYPICAL wayward thinking! It does NOT mean you will never get this woman out of your life and enjoy a more satisfying marriage. Not at all. We all started out with variations on your theme here. Many, many, many of us have recovered from what appeared (for an excruciating number of months, even years) to be unsalvageable.

Read, read, read everything on the links on the home page here. Click the bookstore link and order His Needs, Her Needs; Love Busters and Surviving An Affair.

And keep posting. You CAN get through this.

You have gotten some very good advice thus far.

Gather evidence (print off some of those emails and put them in a safe place) and then sit down and make a list of those to whom you will expose. Do NOT tell your WH (Wayward Husband) you plan to expose. Just do it, and do it all at once, one phone call and email after another.

Good people to expose to:
His parents
Your parents
OW's (Other Woman's) husband or boyfriend
Do you have children? If so, expose to them as well.

Absolutely DO NOT listen to his words. He is temporarily insane, and I mean that literally rather than figuratively. A person in an affair has chemicals released into their body that create a euphoria. As far as the workings of the body is concerned, an affair is just like a chemical (drug) dependency. People will say and do anything to keep getting that good feeling.

When he says insane things like "If you are one with him, you will accept and embrace your peculiar situation" tell him firmly and with strong resolve that you love him, and you will do whatever it takes to save your marriage, and that there is no room for three people in a marriage.

When you expose he will get FURIOUS. He will tell you you've ruined the marriage, that it's over, that he can't live with a person as controlling and manipulative as you are. He will tell you he can never trust you again. He will tell you all sorts of things. Your response is that you love him and you will do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

A swift full blown exposure is your absolute best weapon against this affair. Expose TODAY.

Once you've exposed, read up on Emotional Needs (ENs) and Love Busters (LBs). Try to figure out what his top ENs are and strive to meet them. Figure out what love busters you are guilty of, and eliminate them completely.

Post here often, you will feel strengthened by the support and experience of the people here. They can help you look at your situation more objectively, and they can help you sift the noise from reality. They can help you plan an effective course of ACTION.

Please do NOT accept it! Would he accept it if you found another man you wanted to do this with? OF COURSE NOT!

You HAVE to tell your family, his family, and her family. And your friends. And your preacher.

And then make an appointment with a psychologist to find out why you would consider his 'needs' (yeah, right) more important than yours.

If he truly loved you, he would not do this to you.

4,

Do what Turtlehead said about printing out those emails. Collect all evidence you can. Even though your WH is being stunningly "open" with you, it may come in useful later.

Especially EXPOSE. This will be very difficult for you, I know, but you cannot let your pride prevent you from breaking this up!Ask his family, your family, anyone who loves you and could help influence WH for support(even if some of them could do nothing more than give him a disapproving look when they bump into him).
TELL your supporters you love your WH and that you intend to do everything you can to stop this craziness.

Find out if this OW is married. Then tell her husband! He could be your biggest ally. He can watch her from the other side and do his own exposing to their family and friends.

Exposing this selfish stupidity will shine bright lights into a very dark, dank, smelly place. And affairs wither in the sunlight.

Trust us on this.

4everandever, your screen name gives me great anxiety because it indicates that you are willing to stay in a marriage no matter how abusive. That is not healthy.

I will find the thread for you, but we have the story of man who also wanted to "accept" his wife's affair and tried to go along. The man hung himself. What you are doing by trying to accept such ABUSE is very dangerous to your mental health.

I will go look for the thread where the man hung himself. found it, thanks to Chrisner! here

I am so sorry this is happening in your life.

I agree with the posts about not agreeing to just accept this from your H. Dr. James Dobson (Focus on the Family) has a book that contains this very example of a WH bringing another woman into the marriage and the bedroom. The book is titled, "Love Must be Tough" and I think would be very applicable in your situation.

BTW, early on after D-day of my FWH's A, he told me that he was in love with both me and the OW. After the A ended, that changed to "I loved her for a while" to "I thought I loved her" to "What I was feeling was not really love". Like yours, my WH was "under a spell" and it took several months to "wake up to reality".

My best wishes to you.

AM

4everAndever,

Are you realizing why you must enroll everyone you can in helping you break up this affair? You must expose, or it will just go on and on, and he will get that a) you will permit it, and B) there are no consequences. Do you want this to go on indefinitely?

It's hard, but right now you need to be courageous, put your pride in your pocket (you'll be proud enough later, believe me) and start contacting family, friends, OW's family (FIND THEM. Use a PI if you must).

You can do this.

RHW