Go to plan B now as has been suggested. It may be the reality that your WW needs.

My husband and I had several false recoveries before he stopped his wayward ways. This lasted longer than a couple of years. I don't think that filing for D right away is necessary. Seeing a lawyer is...so follow his advice as to how to protect your DD.

It is possible to save your marriage after this renewed contact. Her moving in with him will help the reality of her choices set in...plan B will aide that too and protect your love for her.

braeworth, I just realized who this was! I am so sorry to hear this.

I agree with the others that the time to do Plan B is NOW. Or rather about 2 weeks after she has moved out. And let me explain my strategy. After 2-3 weeks, the novelty has worn off and the horror of what she has done sets in so a Plan B letter at that time will hit the mark.

Secondly, the BEST TIME to go into Plan B is BEFORE the holidays so the WS can experience holidays as a single person. It will be her worst Christmas if she has to spend it with the OM ALONE. Can you even imagine? That consequence will be a GOOD THING for your DD. It is in your DD's best interest for her mother to suffer consequences because is the only thing that will bring her back to her senses.

I would set up cut off any money, and tell her she can arrange visitations with your DD directly, but that she is not to be exposed to the OM. [this is how little girls end up molested - the risk of her being molested goes up dramatically when there is a paramour in the picture]

Designate an intermediary who will pass on PERTINENT INFORMATION ONLY. It would need to be a person who will remain neutral, who will not try to persuade or lecture either of you. The IM should not pass on anything other than PERTINENT information about your DD or finances, etc. It should be passed on in the words of the IM, too. You should not see the actual emails.

You will also want to change the locks so she doesn't come in. Do this just before you drop off the Plan B letter. When she sets up visits with your DD, she will have to take her out to a restaurant or to her parents house, I suppose. But she can't come in your house and she can't take her around the OM.

You can expect her to go crazy when you go dark, because affairees do not like losing control over the BS and the family. She will try her best to get through to you, so just be prepared to not take her call. Don't let her get through!

As far as Christmas, you might want to set up an arrangement like allowing your DD to spend Christmas Eve with her mother - at a SAFE PLACE - and with you on Christmas Day. Like Lake suggested, I would keep Christmas Day as intact as possible for your DD.

Talk to a local attorney pretty soon.

Though I strongly agree with your attitude that your DD will never be allowed over there...be careful how you go about accomplishing that. Try not to document extreme positions. Remember...you MAY end up in a battle with this woman over custody and, as a man you are somewhat behind the eigth ball (though you dd's age helps as long as she chooses you). In order to protect your daughter to the extent legally possible you MUST be smart.

For example...try not to say "she'll NEVER be allowed to go over that"....just say "For now, it would be too painful to dd to make her go over there".

I don't know...massage it and be really careful with any written or possible recorded documentation regarding your daughter and visitation/custody as the court doesn't care that your wife had an affair...they will always think her relationship with her daughter is more important and in your daughters best interest. If your wife gets an attorney someday...he/she WILL do their best to make you appear to be alienating your wife's parental affections with your daughter. They will use your righteous anger to portray you as being so motivated by anger, rage, jealousy and bitterness. They will attack you by implying you are inappropriately using your daughter as a pawn.

Thus...get an attorney...let HIM handle any statements or negotiations about custody or visitations, if you can't keep cool. Your daughter ALSO plays a huge part in this. She's 13, I believe you said, so talk to her openly and honestly about this situation and ALL the problems it presents.

I guarantee...if your DD13 WANTS to visit mom at OM's house....it will likely happen eventually. If SHE doesn't, you can actually stop it for awhile, but BE CAREFUL.

I'm rambling...sorry.

Mr. Wondering

DD is ALREADY suffering.

All you are doing is prolonging the agony.

Plan B NOW!

For your wife's reading pleasure:

An Exploration of the Ramifications...nia State University College of Medicine

• Divorce is an intensely stressful experience for all children, regardless of age or developmental level; many children are inadequately prepared for the impending divorce by their parents. A study in 1980 found that less than 10% of children had support from adults other than relatives during the acute phase of the divorce.

• The pain experienced by children at the beginning of a divorce is composed of: a sense of vulnerability as the family disintegrates, a grief reaction to the loss of the intact family (many children do not realize their parents’ marriage is troubled), loss of the non-custodial parent, a feeling of intense anger as the disruption of the family, and strong feelings of powerlessness.

• Unlike bereavement or other stressful events, it is almost unique to divorcing families that as children experience the onset of this life change, usual and customary support systems tend to dissolve, though the ignorance or unwillingness of adults to actively seek out this support for children.

• Early latency (ages 6½-8): These children will often openly grieve for the departed parent. There is a noted preoccupation with fantasies that distinguishes the reactions of this age group. Children have replacement fantasies, or fantasies that their parents will happily reunite in the not-so-distant future. Children in this developmental stage have an especially difficult time with the concept of the permanence of the divorce.

• Late latency (ages 8-11): Anger and a feeling of powerlessness are the predominate emotional response in this age group. Like the other developmental stages, these children experience a grief reaction to the loss of their previously intact family. There is a greater tendency to label a ‘good’ parent and a ‘bad’ parent and these children are very susceptible to attempting to take care of a parent at the expense of their own needs.

• Adolescence (ages 12-18): Adolescents are prone to responding to their parent’s divorce with acute depression, suicidal ideation, and sometimes violent acting out episodes. These children tend to focus on the moral issues surrounding divorce and will often judge their parents’ decisions and actions. Many adolescents become anxious and fearful about their own future love and marital relationships. However, this age group has the capability to perceive integrity in the post-divorce relationship of their parents and to show compassion for their parents without neglecting their own needs.

Conclusions
• Divorce and its ensuing ramifications can have a significant and life-altering impact on the well being and subsequent development of children and adolescents.

• The consequences of divorce impact almost all aspects of a child’s life, including the parent-child relationship, emotions and behavior, psychological development, and coping skills.

• There is a significant need for child mental health professionals, along with other child specialists, to be cognizant of the broad spectrum of possible fall-out from a divorce and then to provide sufficient support for children of divorced parents in all the necessary psychosocial aspects of the child’s life.

[u][i][b]Abuse Risk Seen Worse As Families Change[/b][/i][/u]

- Children living in households with unrelated adults are nearly 50 times as likely to die of inflicted injuries as children living with two biological
parents, according to a study of Missouri abuse reports published in the journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics in 2005.


- Children living in stepfamilies or with single parents are at higher risk of physical or sexual assault than children living with two biological or adoptive parents, according to several studies co-authored by David Finkelhor, director of the University of New Hampshire's Crimes Against Children Research Center.

- Girls whose parents divorce are at significantly higher risk of sexual assault, whether they live with their mother or their father, according to research by Robin Wilson, a family law professor at Washington and Lee University. . . .

- The previous version of the study, released in 1996, concluded that children of single parents had a 77 percent greater risk of being harmed by physical abuse than children living with both parents. But the new version will delve much deeper into the specifics of family structure and cohabitation, according to project director Andrea Sedlak.

I agree that you should Plan B *before* the holidays.

Your DD13 is already suffering - Mom has already moved out. The best thing you can do for your DD13 now is let her see that her Mom's selfish behavior has painful consequences (for the Mom).

Your WW needs to understand that things won't be all palsy if you divorce. A couple of the things she stands to lose are Thanksgiving and Christmas as a family. I know, because it's something I lost when I divorced my children's father. I had to learn to celebrate with my children another day and spend Christmas Day without my them. Better that she realizes it now rather than later.

What is your usual Christmas tradition?

Thanks, so many replies and so much support.It will take some time to digest everything.

I know some of you are doubting if we ever were in recovery but having been through a false recovery as well the difference was incredible. The problem was the OM crawling out of the woodwork 3-4 weeks ago, and as the Harleys say, if NC is not maintained the affair can be rekindled. The original A did not die a natural death, my WW ended it, obvously reluctantly.
I will go to Plan B before Christmas as suggested and have already secured my finances and have all the keys to the house.

I have spoken to WW tonight, she is adamant she is not coming back and when I have sat and thought about things I am not sure I want her to. I will go to Plan B soon but I may well go to Plan D very quickly after

Just sat here chewing things over.

WW is adamant that she is not coming back, she is happy, our life together had become too intense. I explained to her that this was because I kept catching her lying to me. I asked her if a few weeks ago, when she was telling me she was happy and that SAA had been right, was she lying. She said no but things have gone to far. She said that she is still in love with me and misses me a lot but does not miss the intensity. She is calm where she is.

So looks like maybe I blew it and should have handled things in a different way, when I found out OM had resurfaced. I asked her why she left and she said because I had told her if she was not prepared to never contact him again she should leave. She said they were just friends but she knew she would contact him again and she could see the pain this was causing me. I said she was free to leave whenever she wanted but I could not believe she moved in with OM. She said there was nowhere else to go where she could stay long term.(Her parents both died suddenly 5 years ago, I think this is a major part of her problems)

So thats the latest, looks like she has her mind made up, her last memories of our life together are of arguments about her lying and she is done with our marriage.

I think I am pretty much done to, I love her as much as I ever have but I think the prognosis looks bleak and am not sure I have the stomach fo this anymore.

All comments and suggestions greatly appreciated

Start working on your letter, braeworth, instead of listening to the fogbabble of a foghorn. Don't hash it over with her. Be as pleasant as possible. Don't even talk about your marriage problems. THREE WEEKS is a good time to go into Plan B after they move out. Template letter posted below.

Keep your mind focused on YOUR PLAN! YOUR PLAN!

MelodyLane

From SAA

I concur with the Goober.

You don't have the stomach for it anymore...so Plan B before you lose any desire to recovery altogether.



For now...but the "intensity" of your relationship over the last few months/years will be sorely missed once you go really dark. The more intense you guys were the HARDER Plan B will be on her.*

*please note...Plan B is tough emotionally of you as well...you really should consider anti-depressants as you have to withdraw from the "intensity" of your relationship as well


Her withdrawal and having to rely on OM to meet all her needs will eventually make their relationship too "intense"...she could very well end up back at your house for "calmness". Or not....at least in Plan B, you will be undertaking your own recovery and no longer fretting every moment about what she's gonna do.

I pray for your strength during this difficult time. Plan B is your best option at this point. I encourage you NOT to jump to Plan D. Give it some time. What have you got to lose...it's not like you are ready or able to undertake a new relationship yourself...so just wait. To me...this is the continuation of ONE affair. It IS horrendously abusive and hurtful for her to reignite the relationship, however, it COULD die a natural death rather quickly and recovery could recommence wherein your WIFE actually completely buys into marriage and MB concepts 100%.

It IS possible. But, IMO, a dark Plan B is your only hope for that (a wishy washy Plan B will have no effect).

Mr. Wondering

Thanks Mel sorry Goober.

I am going to Plan B, as you suggested, in about two weeks. Until then I will try and have a few meetings without the intensity, but just wondering if there is ny point, may just go to Plan D

You do realize this is ridiculous, right? No woman leaves her husband and abandons her child over a "friend." Can you imagine her doing this over a friend named BETTY at work?

And lets say they were just "friends," what kind of cruelty and thoughtlessness is it to refuse to end her friendship when she knows how much pain it causes you?

B, she is still being dishonest about the affair. She calls OM a "friend" and lies about moving into the 2nd bedroom. I sincerely hope you correct that LIE to the family members, etc, because that preposterous.

braeworth, I have believed for a long time that contact never ended and I am even more convinced now. You just found out a few weeks ago.

Plan D will be up to you entirely because that is a personal decision. If you want to know when to give up hope, my best GUESS is that her affair will crumble now that the affair is out in the open and after you go into Plan B.

I would be exposing this affair to everyone and making sure they ALL understand she is in an adulterous affair because exposure is like chemotherapy on cancer. Her affair has been hidden for a LONG time so this will help kill it. But she is going around telling ppl it is a "friendship" and she had to move into his "second bedroom" because mean ole braeworth gave her an ultimatum.

Plan B will do you enormous GOOD, B. In a few weeks of Plan B you will feel better than you have in YEARS just because you don't have to deal with her sneaky crap anymore. IMO, that is when you should make a decision about Plan D. With a clear head using sound judgement.

Personally, I think going straight to Plan D is the best option. You have an ongoing/long term/repeat (whatever) A and an unrepentent WW, who has now left to move in with OM.

In the BEST of circumstances, only a small percentage of M's survive infidelity. With this set of facts, the chances are basically nil.

You can jump through all of the MB hoops that you want, but unless you have a responsive WW, you are just spinning your wheels while your self-respect bottoms out.

Even if she came home today ... HONESTLY ... would you still want her??? You may still love her, but could you get past all of the lies and betrayals ... not to mention her ACTUALLY MOVING IN WITH OM???

IMHO, the best thing for your long term mental health and self-respect is to go straight to Plan D and hire the most ruthless SOB of a divorce attorney in your area, and proceed with your head held HIGH with the full knowledge that you are the one acting in a honorable manner.

Thanks,

You may be right that contact never ended, but I dont think so, I suffered her going through withdrawal and her lack of feelings for me and gradually saw them return and until about 2 months ago that "intensity" wasn't there. But anyway, that is largely irrelevant, she has said that since he re-appearred she has tried to top seeing him but can't. I told her she has done it once and can do it again, but she says she can't and thinks she may want to be with him anyway. I know this is all typical WW speak and it doesn't really matter.

My suggestion would be to stop having these discussions because they are not helping you. You are not going to be able to reason with a person who is operating on OBSESSED FEELINGS. All you do is repel her with these conversations.

Rather, get your Plan B letter ready, designate your intermediary and drop her that letter in the OM's box at around the 2-3 week mark.

I have done a mega exposure and now she has pretty much gone to ground, will not speak to my parents or her family, we will see if this has any effect

What has been their reaction, brae? What is your DD saying?