First time poster, although I’ve read for a couple months now.

Our marriage hadn’t been right for a couple years. We grew apart because neither of us did what it takes to have a healthy marriage. My wife actually bought the book HNHN. I started reading it right away and loved it. I suggested my wife should read it. She wouldn’t. I suggested a few more times, but she put it off each time. Since she was uninterested in learning anything about how to improve, I also didn’t do what I should have done. I know this was before meeting the OM.

Fast forward a year or so. My wife said one day “I feel trapped”. That statement surprised me and I thought about what might be behind it. That was the day my “light went off”. After that day, I decided to become a better husband and found this web site from the book I had read.

I changed. My wife commented on how much I had changed. My wife was impressed and liked the changes.

However, as I became more interested in her and started paying attention, I got suspicious. She wasn’t responding at all. She car pooled with a male coworker every day. She walked with him at noon every day. I was in turmoil for a couple weeks. I read about on this site, and bought a digital voice activated recorder. I put it in her van.

I heard things that I still have nightmares about today. I never heard actual intercourse, but I did hear evidence of lots of other stuff. I still don’t know how far they’ve gone.

I took her out the next day after work to a picnic in a park. I hinted and asked several times if she was doing anything that would hinder us from getting our marriage back on track. Each time she said “no”. I heard from my voice recorder the next day talking to the OM that she wanted to confess so bad, but just couldn’t.

The next night, a Thursday, I let her know that I knew. I told her how I knew. I told her I had the recordings on a CD and would play them for her boss and other people if she didn’t stop. I also called the OM with her there and told them the same thing. They agreed to stop.

I contacted the spouse of the OM and told her what I knew, except left out the physical details. I asked her to join me in becoming a better spouse and helping our WW’s to end the adultery. She agreed. I also confronted the OM in a calm way and made sure he knew I was serious.

I ignored every bit of advice HNHN gives, and all the advice given here. (duh, stupid #1)

The affair cooled. I monitored them through some other sources, but couldn’t use the recorder in her van anymore since I told about it (duh, stupid #2). We go to church and sermon after sermon seemed to speak directly to this issue. We both cried at one service. She cried several times with me and appologized over and over. We moved forward as best we could.

I do know pretty much where she is at all times of the day or night. But while she’s at work, my ability to watch and stay with her is limited.

Now, two months after initial confrontation, they are mysteriously leaving work at about the same time (noon), and mysteriously returning at about the same time again.

So, I’m sure the affair, physical or not, is on again. Going physical would be tough in the middle of the day, but if the desire is strong enough, I’m sure they could find a way.

So . . . my next step is to actually do what I threatened to do two months ago; expose the affair to the work place. Expose to my WW’s siblings (mother and father both dead), and expose to a few of the couples who we go camping with and on weekend getta-ways with several times a year.

She works for a small company. If I do this, she may lose her job. She’s the head of finance, and he’s an officer with the company, including Human Resources. They both report to the owner of the company who I will reveal to. I will also reveal to the 4 other office workers that work there. They are all semi-close since they all go out occasionally after work.

I do have all the nasty recordings on CD and will save them as proof. I won’t play them for anyone unless I have to provide proof and then only as much as I need to. The people at work already suspect I’m sure.

She’ll lose her job. We have an unrented duplex that is another burden. My pay won’t cover the cost of our house payment along with the empty duplex. We’ll lose one or both of them. We’ll need to move since the OM lives in the same “small” community we do. My daughter is a freshman in high school and is going to go balistic if we have to move to a new school. My other daughter is in Junior High and will freak out as well.

Do I REALLY expose to the 13 and 14 yr old kids ! ? ! ?

Such is life. Wish me luck. And provide advice which I’ll follow this time. HELP !


DH 42, WW 46, DD 14, DD 13

Oh man, i'm not in a position to offer advice, but know i feel your pain, im in the same situation almost. My partner of eleven years has been doing a guy from work,(not married good as tho, 8yr old son) her parents know and i think his partner knows, but im facing the same predicament, her job pays our bills, without it we would be ruined, if she lost her job i'm shure we'd be finished anyway. i've spent the last 2 months agonising about how she spends her lunch breaks, i'm with you mate all the way, i've had nightmares about it, still cant sleep properly, i'm reduced to a blubbing mess half the time. I don't know what to do for the best either, i feel trapped can't see how it will work out.
I'll be with you on this one my friend, i hope it goes well for you, i'm here if you just wanna chat, (when im not at work )

Fof2,

First, they MUST stop working together or this affair will continue. It really is important that they never have contact again. Please read Harley's articles here and I would recomment Surviving An Affair, SAA, as well.

So exposure is going to happen or should happen if for no other reason than it is a way to break up daily contact. If your W did not go through withdrawal, and we both know she did not, then you already know the daily contact was feeding her habit, NEED FOR OM.

As for moving, consider it strongly. Start looking for jobs in other places, and moving in Freshman year is much better than divorced parents or moving later in HS. They will go ballistic, but they will survive. Your marriage will NOT survive with continued contact. Who will end the marriage???

Most likely it will be YOU. Why? She will continue to have contact, share her life and perhaps body with him, and eventually it will kill the love you have for her, and then YOU will be filing for divorce and yes the family will break up and most likely you will move because you won't be able to stand the sight of her with OM. See an implicit assumption in my statements, OM will leave his W for your W. So two families will likly die, in this.

So looking at this from that point of view, is the issue of changing schools THAT important to the world scheme of things?

Job contact must end for this to heal. I say it is time to move.

Welcome to MB and I hope I have offered you some advice that is of use to you, or at least offers you some new ways of looking at things.

God Bless,

JL

FAtheroftwo, sorry you are here. The reason this has continued is because they still work together. She has to leave the job in order for this to work. An affair is an addiction and she can't possibly withdraw when she sees him at work every day. She is the alcoholic who just changed the name of her drink to "business drinks." She won't ever sober up until she stops drinking, though.

And yes, your children should be told the truth. If you don't tell them the truth, you can be assured your W will tell them lies and cause them confusion.

Has the OMW been kept in the loop all this time? I am curious why you withheld pertinent facts from her? Why was she not told everything?


We know of affairs where the affairees had intercourse in the car in the parking garage. There are lots of ways to do this.

some advice about telling your kids:

Dr. Harley:


This is a segment that is sloppily and partially transcribed by me that was on the Dr Laura show. I thought Dr. Laura made some EXCELLENT and profound points about the effects of lying to children about adultery. I don't always agree with her views on adultery, but she is right on in this aspect.

Dr. Laura show [4:25 min into segment - 5-15-08]

Caller: Husband had an affair with good friend for 2 years. Her H ws one of his "buddies."

Dr. Laura: Do you have minor children?

Caller: Yes, we both do

Dr. Laura: They are willing to hurt your kids? Why are they willing to break up the families?

caller: Basically, they said they are not "happy."

Dr L: So that is the explanation for being willing to hurt their kids? They are doing this to be "happy?"

What can I do to possibly help you?

Caller: I need to know what to tell my kids.

Dr. Laura: THE TRUTH. They are breaking up 2 families because they have decided.....

See, I am not of the school where you stand by and do pretend with kids where this is all ok. Because this is NOT OK.

The most important story is that this is NOT OK. sit down with your husband and tell him you are going to explain to our children, in a factual, non hysterical way I am going to explain to the kids the horrible thing you are doing to destroy their family. That you are "not happy" is not sufficient reason to destroy 2 families and I am going to make this clear to them because I want them to grow up understanding this is WRONG.

That is my advice. And i think everybody should be clear this is selfish behavior that is WRONG, vows were made.

Not being "happy" is something you work to turnaround, not something you destroy a family over. If both of these people were to hear this was going to happen they will have second thoughts.

DO not think for a moment you are doing wrong by telling your children this. It is your moral obligation to teach them right from wrong. EVEN when it demonstrates a parent has done wrong. The parent cannot be whitewashed and get away with that - THAT IS WRONG and that does not teach the children

I really hope alot of people hear this. Alot of ppl want to whitewash what they are doing. Kids should know that is your attitude.

But to tell the custodial parent: hey don't make me look bad for my own selfish gain is ABSURD! and is EVIL! We are going to make wrong seem ok. Kids will lose any sense of right and wrong. Kids will be taught that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy." Kids lose any sense of right or wrong. "well, it makes me happy to use drugs" when I am 12 It makes me "happy" to get on my knees and give 4 6th graders oral sex. That is what they teach their kids.

This is what happens when you whitewash wrongdoing to make no body feel bad which is why I get called MEAN. I get called mean because I say the truth. "Its MEAN to say something is right or wrong; its mean to make somebody feel bad!" Its MEAN to say the truth. People get shut down when they get called "judgmental" when they say the truth. The intent is to shut you down. Well, I don't shut up. Kids don't learn important truths when they allow others to shut them down. We don't help our children when we don't say the truth and support them in saying what is right and wrong.

I didn't tell the OW all the details becuase I wasn't sure if she was strong enough to not file for immediate divorce. I figured part of the fix would be for her to start "fixing" her marriage. I thought I told her all she needed to know, which was an "affair" was going on. I was vague about how physical it was.

I'll expose soon. My wife promised that we'd watch a childs friend as her parents go out of town. I'll have to wait to bring this all the a head until after next Wednesday. It'll be a heavy burden until then.

DH 41, WW 46, DD 14, DD 13, marriage 15 years.

WHY???

Why allow some commitment that your WW made keep you in LIMBO for the next 5 days. Call the parents of the kid and tell them:

"Due to my WW's infidelity and the whirlwind of exposure that is about to happen, it wouldn't be a good environment for your child to be around."

They are actually a good exposure target, that will bring REALITY into your WW's world. Let her feel the consequences of HER actions.

BH's that delay are screwed.

I'm not going to blow any sunshine at you, this isn't going to be pretty, but DOING NOTHING is your worst enemy right now.

Proactive BH's have a chance, weak BH's have NONE.

Fatherof2,

Here is a link to a thread you should read if you haven't already. It is why NC is essential. Read My Lips: NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT

Based on experience my advice is to not do it the way my DH and I did it. No matter how hard you should expose and she needs to quit her job. You won't get anywhere until these are accomplished.

My DH and I wasted 2 years of rebuilding time by doing things wrong. I only wish my DH or my FOM's DW had known about MB. We all would have avoided a bunch of nonsense because FOM and I were still working together and should not have been.

Take the next few days until you can move forward to come up with a plan on exactly what you need to do. It will be much smoother if you have it ready for Wed.

LC

That sucks, but if you divorce you will still loose one or both of them. Expose to her employer, it sucks but it is necassary.

It's like I told my WW several months before she came back. I would live in a cardboard box on the side of the road as long as it saved my marriage.

There is one other option........
Perhaps if you re-expose to OM's wife (wich you need to do) they will move. Could happen.

Truthfully, honestly, and without any disrepectfull statements or embelishing.

I would put a real time GPS and confront her on her lunch time romps. Bring a friend to witness.

Cheapest way to get GPS is to get a cell phone with GPS and hide it in her car. They provide real time location, and no extra charge when you use that feature. So just get the minimum cost plan.

You know what you have to do, expose, now, everyone, OMW, except this time give her copies of the evidence. Tell WW's parent's and siblings. Most importantly expose at work.

But this is information to which she has a right and a need to know. It does no good to expose but conceal half the facts; that really hinders her ability to work on the marriage if she is only operating with half the facts.

Even so, I hope you intend on correcting this and getting her full facts?

I could not agree with you more. I only wish my kids were older so I could have told them. Here is an example of a successful exposure. He find out on a thrusday, posted her friday morning, and exposed her affair friday afternoon. He has the best chance of recovering his marriage.

Exposure

Just curious how you know this? Also, are you doing Plan A at the same time (stick=exposure, carrot=Plan A)

Fatheroftwo, I wanted to emphasize how very important it is to tell your kids that adultery is immoral and WHY it is immoral. Otherwise, they will just be led to believe that this is another lifestyle choice and will be morally confused. Silence equates to endorsement, in other words, and will confuse them.

Because I assure you that if you don't give them MORAL GUIDANCE about this, your wayward wife WILL. And the "morals" she teaches them will screw them up for a long time. She will teach them that wrong is right.

Take it from someone who grew up with a cheater father whose mother didn't want to be "judgemental" and said NOTHING. It left the door wide open for my father to give us IMMORAL training and kept us screwed up for years.

Curious....how much has your wife admitted to already?? And what is your source for the lunch disappearances?

Fof2,
I don’t post on here often, but felt compelled to post to you. I am a huge fan of immediate, decisive and overwhelming exposure to any person who can help bust up the fantasy of the affair. Every day that you delay allows your WW to grow deeper into her affair fog and in her feelings for OM. Don’t fear the consequences of exposure because your marriage has ZERO chances of recovery while she is still in her affair. At least through exposure, you give your marriage a fighting chance.

In my case, I went from discovery to nuclear exposure in a matter of minutes. But, between OMW, their employer, the kids, and friends at church the affair was busted up and the fantasy quickly turned into their worst nightmare. Between losing their jobs and the embarrassment of everyone in their lives knowing about what was going on the romance quickly fizzled.

If I were you, I would expose to their employer immediately. They may very well lose their jobs, but the affair will never end as long as they work together anyway. Losing her job may cause you financial problems, but what dollar value do you put on your marriage. I would also tell your children in an age appropriate way. They are old enough to understand that a married woman shouldn’t have a BF and they will be great allies for you as you fight to end this affair. I would also expose to friends at church who may have some influence on your WW.

She will be furious and tell you that your marriage has no chance because of what you did, but just keep reminding her that you’re not the one who betrayed your marriage vows and that you will do whatever it takes to save your marriage. We are 5 months into recovery and my FWW has told me a number of times that it was the quick and decisive exposure and its’ consequences that shook her back to reality.

Pleas don’t delay with your exposure. ACT QUICKLY and end this affair now. Don’t let other things and people, like babysitting, stand in the way of you protecting and fighting for your marriage. Nothing or no one is more important to your marriage than stopping this affair NOW.

Best of Luck,

Just to add -

Most BH that are successful in ending the A immediately are ones that are angry at the betrayal.

You should be and need to be angry that this POS has interloped into your marriage and invaded your family.

You should also be disgusted and angry at your WW for using you and betraying you.

You need to make the OM worried on what you are going to do to disturb his world.

Personally - destroying the OM gives you the power. Use it.

I have a friend that works with them, that keeps track of when they leave for lunch and when they get back. They leave close to the same time (but not too close) and get back a similar times as well.

I also put a key logger on her computer and read some emails they sent back and forth. She's doing a fair job of making everything seem fine. But just last Friday she emailed the OM about how "bad" this all is and that she couldn't do it any more, but at the end she said "ilu".

She's since changed the password of that email account. Don't know if she caught me somehow or if she's just being cautious. She knows I'm good with computers and electronics.

I had a meeting today with the owner of her company. I started off by asking him if he went to church and was a Christian. His response was "yes" and "yes". Come to find out in my opinion, he's only a Christian on Sundays which so many are.

I provided written and recorded proof of the affair. Tried to convince him to fire one or both of them. His response the entire time was "they both work good, stay late, and perform well. So I have no reason to fire either of them. Sorry."

I tried to explain WHY they stay late. He didn't care. Some Christian. He didn't want to disrupt his company's core leadership. I think he worships the dollar more than the Lord.

The OM and my WW both report to the owners son. I asked who acts as the Human Resources manager. The owner replied "Chris" (his son). But I know that the OM does most of the Human Resources work. I can't believe a business owner would keep an adulterous Human Resources person employed. There has to be a legal injustice here.

I have an exposure letter written. I haven't sent it to anyone yet. I was hoping to have the owner read it, but he didn't seem to care too much as long as his employees worked hard for him.

DH 41, WW 46, DD 14, DD 13

Here is my Exposure letter. What are your thoughts?


Family, friends, and Sue’s co-workers,

Please read this entire letter completely.

I’m not really close to any of you. But except for Sue’s co-workers, I love you all. I haven’t needed to build close friendships with anyone because I’ve always had Sue, and she’s been more than I ever needed. I relied on her as my best and only close friend.

In spite of this, Sue’s and my marriage has not been what it should have been the past couple years. We are both equally at fault for what our marriage was. At one point a few months ago Sue mentioned to me that she felt “trapped”. This confused me and concerned me.

I thought about that statement and what its significance was. At that point I realized all the things we had been doing wrong with regards to our marriage. It was also at that point I decided to learn what a real and happy marriage was and become the best husband I could possibly be.

Sue has admitted since then on several occasions that my change has been dramatic and that I was indeed becoming a great husband.

However, this could have been just to fool me and keep me from the hidden truth. I became suspicious of her activities with a co-worker that she car pooled to work with every day and walked with for lunch every day. I put a digital voice recorder in our van, the one she drives to and from work. Soon I had proof of what I feared.

I was reading all along from the web site www.marriagebuilders.com about how to become a better husband. They also have extensive writings on how to handle adultery and how to end affairs.

I confronted Sue and her co-worker. I also informed the co-workers wife. I assume based on fear of their jobs, or fear of damaging their families, the two of them agreed to end the adultery.

I ignored the marriagebuilders.com website advice for a couple months which requires that the adulterers never ever have contact again. I agreed to trust Sue instead. The two of them still saw each other every day at work. The experts say it is impossible to end an affair while maintaining contact.

I have proof the affair initially cooled, but is now going on again.

This letter is now step 1 of following the advice from experts.

I am exposing the adultery to family, friends, and co-workers.

I DO NOT want a divorce. I love my wife.

I DO NOT want you to choose a side to be on. I am willing to forgive Sue, and I want you all to do the same.

What I desperately need and want from everyone reading this is to choose to be for our marriage. Don’t support a either of us as individuals, but PLEASE support our marriage.

I have vowed to Sue to do whatever it takes to end this adultery and for her to come back 100% to her loving family. I promise to continue to be the best husband I can be.

I hope each of you will support our marriage and contact us with whatever words of encouragement and support you can provide.

I need help from all of you to get through this and for our family to come back together.

Thank you for your time.

i would leave the MB website part out and just leave it at you are trying to work on your marrige. you don't want your wife and all of her coworkers coming here for the latest gossip (coworkers) or to sabotage your work (your wife). She could very easily get a copy of this letter and use our advice to go deeper underground (i.e. if she knew you were putting a recorder in her car, things would be much different).