I don't want to sound harsh, but why did you come here if you're not willing to fight for your marriage. Personally, if my WW had strayed 3 months into the marriage I would have walked away and never looked back. You are dealing with a woman who has NO respect for you or your marraige.

But, since you want to try to save your marraige, why are you scared to do what's necessary? Infidelity is ugly for all invoived, even the innocent bystanders. My exposure to HR cost my WW and her boss their jobs. OM has since moved to find work and is now divorced and facing a nasty alienation of affection lawsuit. That's all HIS fault and brought on him and his family by HIS choices. If you're not willing to act then your only choices are to either leave the marriage and start Plan D or stay in your marriage and just get used to the idea of your wife Fxxxing other men. She will eat cake as long as you're feeding it to her.

You have NOTHING to lose by exposing this affair to anyone who will listen. Your marriage is already over if you don't. Either do something to end this affair and recover your marraige or just learn to accept your fate.

Runnerboy65 -


thank you, i need people to be harsh with me.


Are you and your wife recovering, or did it end in divorce?

How did she take it when you went to HR?

If you are recovering, how long did it take for her to realize that you had no other choice than telling HR, did it cause you to separate for a while?

Did you give her an ultimatum to quit first?

Did she know you were telling HR and have a chance to quit first?

What is an alienation of affection lawsuit, is that part of his divorce, filed by his wife?




These are all the questions that run through my head when i think about what happens after i tell HR.

another question, should i try to stay in contact with the OMW? We could possibly help each other in terms of snooping and spying. But, when i spoke with her briefly when i exposed the A, it seemed like she didn't want to talk at all.

I can understand the desire to repair your marriage, if possible. Almost every BS on this site has been there.

You really, really need to consider scrapping the marriage and starting over.

You are only 26 years old...you've only been able to buy beer legally for 5 years, for pete's sake.

You don't need this heartache. It is a years-long battle just to regain some semblence of a normal life, which you haven't had at all so far.

Honestly...consider cutting your losses now.

It's easier said than done, but regardless of the particulars of your situation, I think you'll be better off in the long run.

Don't you deserve better than to begin a marriage with this garbage?

p.s. Whatever you do, DO NOT get her pregnant anytime in the foreseeable future.

If she won't AGREE to leave then you should go to the next step.


You must be kidding me? Do you not understand that it is in those childrens BEST INTEREST if their dad does lose that job? Because what they are facing if he doesn't is DIVORCE. That is much much worse than his losing a job. The destruction of their family will RUIN THEIR LIVES. THEY WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!

Their dad can get another job, those kids cannot get another intact family.

You are harming them by NOT exposing this affair at work because the chances of divorce are increased as long as he is free to carry on his affair with your wife.

PUT these kids FIRST, alarrson!!! Don't protect their father from the consequences he needs in order to become a GOOD MAN. Protecting someone from the consequences of his crime only ENABLES THE CRIME, it does not help the person.


Why are you more worried about this than the OM? HE is the one who has the risk and he is not concerned, so neither should you be concerned.

alarrson, it breaks my heart that you are not telling your mother so you can protect your wife from the much needed consequences. You need your mother right now more than ever. She will be heartbroken you didn't come to her in your time of need. You are her boy, who she raised.

Mel<---mama of a 26 yr old boy

alarrson8

MC is useless and a waste of time and money when a WW is having an affair.

Your WW is continuing her affair because you are weak. She can intimidate you to not do any thing that will kill her affair. So she keeps on banging the OM. While you sit at home wringing your hands.

"Getting her leave her residency via HR is not an option. When she found out I told the OMW, her biggest fear was the OMW telling the school and either losing her job, or facing everyone at work once they know what had been going on. She was and still is furious with me about this possibility."

That's right be intimidated by your WW. She keeps you from exposing at work. In twenty one more months of banging the OM. Your WW will be done with her education. She'll be in a position to get a good job. Dump you and move in with the OM.

Stop dumping in your pants and man up. Expose.

If your WW is going to leave you better that she does now.

Why sit there for the next twenty one months watching WW go off to bang the OM while she is still married to you?

I can't believe that you are putting a job ahead of a marriage. If she loses her job you did nothing to lose it. WW's affair with a co worker will be the reason she lost the job. It was WW's actions that caused her to lose her job. Not you.

Jobs can always be replaced. Not so with wives.

"agonizing about this is the OM's 2 young children" Mr Doormat why should you care about the OM and his family more then he does.

OM is an adult and willing placed his children and job at risk just for some affair.

So I guess you rather protect the OM, his job and family instead of your marriage?

I'm glad you have your priorities straight. Keep on protecting the OM that is banging your WW. Oh please.

I thought you said that he admitted to his wife? How did you find that part out?

I think even though you are fairly sure, you do need to sit your wife down and ask her how long this has been going on and if there were others. No way you can prove it over the last 7 years, but you have the right to ask, and she has the obligation to answer.

If she's uncomfortable talking about it, I'd tell her tough. This is the price a person pays when they're married and do this. She's accountable to the marriage, and that includes you. She did this to your relationship, not just herself.

She's uncomfortable because she knows how wrong it is.

Also...I think you're having some issues with telling your family because you know they will not support your working on the marriage. Another conflict avoidance issue. I can respect your idea that it would muddy the waters, but it's something to think about - this conflict avoidance pattern. Perhaps your resolve is not as strong as you want to believe and you're afraid they will talk you into divorce.

Children do suffer from these things, but they are also often more resilient than we give them credit for. You aren't telling the children yourself. That will be the parents' job to decide how much they are told or not. It's possible the parents can work things out. You're assuming they'll divorce, that he'll be fired, or that he won't find another job. Don't assume. Instead of worrying about this man's children, perhaps you should worry about your own future children and their well being.

What if your wife gets pregnant by this man? Then those children have a half sibling and have to share Dad's time, salary, etc. with their half sibling, who they likely won't get to grow up with or get to know. You aren't causing them any more pain than you're saving, if you ask me.

He needs to learn a lesson so that when he's finished with your wife he thinks twice about hurting his family again like this and having such disregard for their future.

alarrson, here is a thread about another man who chose a path of conflict avoidance in response to his wife's affair: here

The OMW told me herself that she asked him and he admitted the affair.

i have seen that thread. I assure you that that thought hasn't crossed my mind yet.

I am sure it never crossed his mind at first either.

one good thing so far is that it seems that the OM and OMW have agreed to the NC policy, in part at least.

WW sent am email to OM yesterday asking how he has been, but then expressed confusion over why he hadn't contacted her back all week. She basically said that she understands if he can't contact her if that is the way he needs it to be, but that she doesn't like it. So apparently, it seems at least for the moment, that OM is trying to be good, while my WW is having a harder time of it.

I know this doesn't mean anything and that I shouldn't get excited that things are going to be ok, but at least i know that the A is not going full steam ahead, at least for now. Who knows how long until they have a relapse though.

they still work in the same place, so by no means is this real progress, but it is something that keeps me sane for the moment while i contemplate things.

i knew someone was going to say that. I understand your concern that i need to do anything i can to maintain my mental well being.


I am getting very close to telling my mother, but she is on a trip right now with my father and little sister at a high school hockey tournament. Part me not telling her is to protect her from this too. There I go again worrying about everyone else...

I'm not sorry if I sound harsh.

So, you want a wife who may come home with another mans stink on her?!?!

You'll just wait at home like her lapdog?

There are times I wish I could reach through this monitor and....

So your wife is not even pretending to end contact? Alarrson, this is not good. She is rubbing the affair in your nose. You need to set her down and have a chat as I outlined and expose at work if she won't stop.

HAve you told her you know she tried to contact him again? I would confront her with this and just allude that you got it from the OMW. That will shake her up. But I would also call up the OMW and tell her your W is still trying to contact the OM and ask her to stay in touch so you can kill this affair.

Please stop it. Your mother is not a fragile little fool who cannot deal with life, Alarrson. You show her disrespect by not telling her.

Contemplate what?

You have been told by countless people here that their must be NC. To ensure NC you must expose WW and OM at work.

" that the OM and OMW have agreed to the NC policy, in part at least. WW sent am email to OM yesterday asking how he has been"

How much more evidence do you need to see that your WW is not willing to go NC?

As Soolee said: "What if your wife gets pregnant by this man? Then those children have a half sibling and have to share Dad's time, salary, etc. with their half sibling, who they likely won't get to grow up with or get to know. You aren't causing them any more pain than you're saving, if you ask me."

Most likely the odds are the OM is being watched by his wife so he lays low for the time being. When the heat is off then the AP's look to restart the affair.

So what are you going to do? Let the chance that the affair can happen again? Let the OM knock up your WW?

You need to expose.

You must expose.

There is nothing to contemplate.

she is pretending, she doesn't know i still have access to her email.

Even better, now's she a proven unrepentant liar!