I am new to this board and to posting on forums so please forgive any mistakes. I will try to make an extremely long story as short as possible, so here goes. I have been married to my wife for 9 years. Beginning with our engagement, she began going out and seeing other people (multiple partners). This got so bad that she eventually broke off the engagement in favor of someone else. In the process, she disclosed the lifestyle she was living (we lived in different cities and saw each other only on weekends). I tried to get her back and eventually did. We got married and I thought everything was going good until 3 years later. I found out she had cheated on me again. She admitted to it but assured me it was only one time. I swept it all under the rug and went on with life as best I could. She never seemed to want very much out of our marriage, always kept her distance. I did too after the second time. 6 months ago, I confronted her about the previous affair and told her I knew she was lying about the extent of it. She admitted to that affair being over 3 months long (it was a long distance affair) and to having a shorter affair (someone at work)during that time as well. She also confessed about almost having 2 other affairs before then. The first was at a bar within 6 months of being married. The second was at a friends wedding the first year we were married. I also found out that she had not told me the whole truth about the engagement period either. All of this information came out in bits and pieces over the course of about 2 months. She conveniently cant remember certain details such as when the 3 month affair ended. She says it was too long ago and she has put it out of her mind. She lied to me about this for 6 years and I dont know what to believe and what not to. She has told me she hasnt done anything in 6 years but this is all new to me and doesnt make me feel any better. I dont even know if it is true or not. We have 3 beautiful children (6, 3, 2)and I dont want to wreck their lives by divorcing. I feel nothing toward my wife but hurt, and anger. What can I do? I dont feel as if I will ever get over this. Please help.

I will admit that your chances look bleak because she is such a repeat offender and was cheating even during your engagement, when the feelings of love and commitment are supposedly at their peak.

However, I am a firm believer that people can change if they want to, and your wife is not necessarily doomed to be a forever cheater.

You've indicated you want to work out the issues because you have young children, and that is a good reason. Don't worry about not feeling any love for her - that can change and will, if you are both committed to doing the hard work necessary to make this a good marriage.

Does your wife want to remain married?
Are you doing any snooping to verify her fidelity (or lack thereof)?

Another thing you can do is work on your side of the marriage so that she has no reason to look elsewhere; i.e., you're meeting all of her needs so well that everyone else pales in comparison to you. Read up about Love Busters (stop doing them!) and Emotional Needs (start meeting hers!). Get that closeness you say you never had by being the best husband she could ask for.

Unfortunately you need to do a DNA test with the way your WW has been hoping into extra beds.

How was your WW able to conuct her affair's?

Has your WW gone NC with all of the OM?

How did your WW meet the OM?

Does she work with any of the OM?

Has your WW been transparent so you can verify there is NC?

This means did she give you her passwords, access to emails, texts, IM's, cell, etc...

She says she wants to remain married. There have been so many lies even in the last 6 months that I dont really know if she is capable of the truth. I dont feel she is doing anything now, but I know it will happen again based on our past. Dont really want to invest any more in a one sided marriage.

I have thought of doing paternity tests just to make sure. The wife has agreed to this. THe first "almost" affair happened when she went to a bar while on vacation with her family. I wasnt able to go b/c of work obligations. She said she did not have sex with this person. The second was out of town at a friends wedding. According to her, there was some inappropriate behavior but no sex. Fast forward 2 years (according to her, nothing happened for 2 years). We had our first child about 4 months before and she went out of town for a work conference. She went to a bar and wound up in someones hotel room. She said they did not have sex but came real close. The next night, she went back and got picked up again (or picked someone up, who knows) and this time had sex. This was the person she had the over three month affair with. During the time of that affair, she had a shorter affair with someone that she worked with. The question about NC is hard to answer because she tells me she cant remember how either of the affairs ended or when they ended. She remembers talking to one of them about a year later but swears it was innocent. She would meet the long distance OM halfway at times and once flew out to see him and somehow managed to make it home on time that evening. She doesnt currently work with any of those people. She has been transparent about certain things but claims she cant remember a lot of details and often says conflicting things. i honestly dont know if she cant remember or is lying. I feel I deserve to know what this person has done to me over the years and I cant get any consistent answers.

Does not currently means what? Same company different locations?

Does her job still require overnight stays? How do you feel about that?

She was laid off from that company. We decided it would be best for her to stay at home with the kids (We had two at this time). She has stayed at home for a few years now but has recently taken a new job (2 weeks ago). Her new job doesnt require overnight stays. We also do not live in the same city anymore.

Terminate with extreme prejudice

"Has your WW been transparent so you can verify there is NC?

This means did she give you her passwords, access to emails, texts, IM's, cell, etc...?"

What about these things?

She has given me her email password and allows me to check her cell phone whenever I want. I dont believe she is cheating now and she seems to want to make things as right as they can be. I just have too many hangups with what I know has happened, and with her not being able to remember certain big details (like when it actually ended). She has been dishonest for so long that I cant believe anything she says. That is where my problem is because I dont want to divorce for the kids sake. I dont know how to move forward in our marriage though. I dont know all the important details about her infidelity. I also dont believe that she has been faithful for the last 6 years like she claims but I have no way of knowing for sure. Taking her word for it is impossible because of so much dishonesty on her part. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Yes you are. A paternity DNA test should help to settle matters. Move on as soon as you can. Let us know.

Bkr,

Sorry about your circumatances, but one word POLYGRAPH, I've taken one they work.

God Bless
NJ

TheRoad,

I really feel like all the children are mine (very similiar looks). Could you explain "move on as soon as you can"? I cant seem to move forward with so many unknowns. How can I get to a point of acceptance about not knowing?

newjersey,

The polygraph is a good idea. What if she really cant remember the details though? I feel like I cant move on until I at least have the complete picture.

"move" on the DNA tests. Having paternity in black and white will help you to have a starting point. Not move past this mess as a whole though. You'll need time for that.