Ive been lurking around for a bit finally plucked up the courage to post my story. here goes

I'm not actually married to my girl, but we've been together for eleven years, living together everyday etc we have a mortgage together, and an 8 year old son. Altho we're not married i love her more than anything and after such a long time together i've always thought of her as my wife.

For the most part things have been pretty good, until the last few years. The usual stuff sex disappeared etc and we started to drift apart i thought we were just going through a rut it would work itself out. After missing all the classic signs for about a year i found out on holiday, by checking her passcoded phone she was having an affair with a bloke from work. The texts said how she loved him he ment eveything to her and she couldnt wait to sleep with him again, and all the other stuff. I was physically sick, my world fell apart. I wanted to kill the other guy but i couldn't we were in bali which is quite a trek from the uk. Anyway we talked on holiday and agreed to give it a second go, after the initial upset i decided i loved her too much and couldnt let go.
When we got home she made some effort, i went on a bit of a bender looking for answers, phone bills, letters anything i wanted to know. Anyway about 4 weeks had gone by and it had been up n down, i ended up spying on her and found out the OM had contacted her by email asking to meet and it wasnt work related.
I confronted her about it and she said he'd been getting funny txts and wanted to know if it was me, altho now she knew i was spying on her needless to say she was pretty pissed.
Shes completely withdrawn from me since, ive been through hell, crying, ive been desperate, clingy, angry, my emotions have overwhelmed me big time.
I've done all the classic wrong things ive emailed, txted, called her, tried to talk n talk to reason with her shes having none of it.
She now tells me she needs some space to give her time to work things out in her own head and that me pestering her about it is just doing her head in. Ive told her countless times i'll more than put the effort in to change the things she's told me led to the affair. Shes told me we were in trouble long before this happened, and she wasnt looking for an afair.
She still works at the school, the OM is a teacher and he works there too, we wouldnt survive without her income from the job, shes also a career girl and doesnt want to give her job up, she's made it very clear shes not giving her job up.
My gut tells me shes still seeing him, altho its gone proper underground now she knows ive checked her emails etc, shes also changed the passwords on these and wont let me have them.

Its been 2 months since i found out, her parents and sister know about it and thats it, i havent told my parents because if this does work out, they'll probably hate her for it.
In a nut shell my instincts are telling me one thing,shes telling me another and i'm desperate to hold my family together. The other man has a long term partner and a 1 year old baby daughter. This man has a better job than me earns a lot more than i do, as i've been the one working part time, doing the house work and looking after our son. (she earned more when he was born and has done since, made sense at the time) Morally though i hate this guy, he's an absolute creep, and i dont want him anywhere near my son, altho the way the law works here she would win custody because were not married even though i've been the primary carer.
I'm so hurt and confused right now, shes sat on the fence and i can't get through to her, its like i dont know her anymore. I'm now suffering with depression and feel i'm gonna lose my home, my son and the woman i love to some [censored]

Help !!

Scroll to the top of this page.
Look just under the Marriage Builders logo.
You will find a link that says: Bookstore

click on it
buy The One (also known as Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders)

Your entire relationship has been one of 2 renters.
You need to understand the dynamics of relationships that are renter-renter.

You need to start reading on this site and books. Read surviving infedility. Once you have read everything on the site, i would suggest reading a perfectly executed "blow up". This is exactly how you execute the plan. He has the best shot at recovering his marriage, but it is still hard work.

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Parsnip,

So very sorry your world has been torn apart and you had to come here. But it's really the best place you can be, short of a counselor's office (suggest you go there, too). Here you will find, not only a plan to save your relationship, but lots of support and guidance from folks who have walked this painful trail before you.

Do as the other posters have directed, but ALSO get yourself to a doctor and ask about antidepressants. You are in for the fight of your life, and you MUST have a clear head. Your emotions are all out of kilter right now, and in addition to what your woman is doing, the stress chemicals flooding your system are going to rock your boat soundly.

You MUST take care of YOU! One of you needs a clear head, a purpose and a plan...and it AIN'T gonna be her.

Read, read, read the articles on this site, and take intelligent action. A lot of what you will be advised to do will be counter-intuitive, but you've got legions of us who have seen it work.

Keep posting. There's LOTS more.

WW will not be able to give up OM because she is addicted to him.
For WW to go through withdrawal from the OM there has to be NC, no contact. This is why she or the OM will have to leave that job.

Also to help get NC and help to end the affair you will have to expose the affair. This is telling all those that can put pressure to end the affair. Do not threaten to use exposure or give advance warning for then exposure will not be effective.

WW's have been known to initially get angry and say I was going to end the affair but now I'm not being that you exposed. This anger passes.

You must expose to the OMW, WW's parents and siblings, and the school at where WW works. Tell the principal, and the schools board.

You said you need two incomes. Do not let this scare you. Would you rather lose your home or your marriage and familly. If WW loses her job well that was the price she had to pay for her affair.

As far as exposure goes, i think its been done, i told her father she told her mother and her sister, which i have talked to so they know. Whilst we were away she called him to tell him it was over, she has told me he's told his partner (they're not married either) and apparently they're working things out. For about 4 weeks after we got back there was definately no contact between them, i was checking her emails, phone etc without her knowing.
About 4 months before all this she got into trouble at work for spending time out of the office (i still didn't see this at the time) i found some half written letter she'd addressed to her boss (after i found out and searched the house when we got back)from what i can tell explaining they were just friends, i think the rumours were flying so i reckon the girls at work probably know.
I don't know where this guy lives, or have his home telephone number to speak to his partner to check, it was all done via mobile phone so i only have his number. He's a teacher and they're not allowed to leave the premises at lunch etc, i'm going to try n confim this, which limits the at work thing, but obviously this is where it started. They've slept together by booking a hotel on a staff night out, i never had any problems trusting her, i've never been controlling or jealous so she has been allowed to stay out on a few nights.

Do i do a plan A for a couple of weeks, whilst trying to see if there really is nc between these 2? shes telling me theres not, and the problems are between me n her, shes telling me she still loves me but it's changed and she needs some space to sort her head out. I've asked wether were still together and she said yes. Its her body language thats killing me, i can give her a hug but its half assed and get a kiss like you'd give grandma, i only get "i love you too" most of the time. I'm getting no affection from her what so ever, shes not interested in relationship talk, or seems not to be able to make future plans.

Shes telling me to just leave her be for a while, and to try and be normal, that me constantly trying to reason with her is making her not want to come home or call me etc and if i can give her some space things "might be ok and start to recover"
She won't promise me anything, despite how much i've promised her, i'm finding it difficult to cope, to seperate lies from the truth, i don't know wether what i feel is wrong, maybe its me thinking to much.

Despite what shes telling me i feel like she loves this guy, and the constant pushing me away etc is to try and get me to leave, to give up, so that i've made the decision for her and eased her guilt (i know she doesn't want to hurt me) and then maybe the last thing my son would remember is me leaving, not her.
How much difference does us not being married make? we have been together for eleven years, we have a mortgaged house together and an 8yr old son surley thats as good as?
Thanks for reading and to any of you that relply, it helps.

That is not exposure. Exposure is YOU going to all these people and telling them the truth. Not believing her OR the OM. People who have affairs LIE.

You have to do the exposure. To everyone. Expect her to be livid. But if the A dies, and she recovers from the fog, she will eventually be grateful that you fought for your family.

Get some friends to help you spy on them (follow OM) and get the OM's info so you can confront his partner. Do NOT believe him that he has done it.

And read up here. Everything she is telling you? Space, no pushing, etc.? Exactly what every Wayward Spouse says. To the exact word. Don't listen to a thing she says right now; she is NOT herself.

I can't say whether the relationship you two have is "as good as" being married, or how much difference it makes in the dynamics. Have to wonder, though, if you have been so committed for so long, why did you NOT get married?

It is EXCELLENT that you have exposed this to all. It might be why you are seeing no signs of contact between them, but you must keep alert to the possibility.

If indeed, your wayward has broken off all contact with her lover, what you're witnessing in her behavior is called withdrawal. She is missing the "high" that she got from his attentions. This will wear off in time (depending on a lot of factors) but you can use this time most productively by:

1. NOT attempting any relationship talk with her. She cannot hear you. She will feel it as pressure and will react badly to it. Just put your fear and your pain on the shelf for a while as you wait for her to withdraw (3 weeks-to 6 months is the usual span, I believe).

2. Plan A her to death. If you don't know what that means, read the links on the home page. You've already applied the "stick" of Plan A by exposing the affair. You must also apply the carrot.

3. Order the book His Needs Her Needs and figure out what needs you were failing to meet that the OM provided. Get to work!

4. At the same time, order the book Love Busters. Learn how you were contributing to her falling "out of love" with you. This is harder, because you will have to be brutally honest with yourself. The affair is not your fault, but there were ways you contributed to a less-than-perfect union that made her vulnerable to an affair. This is important work.

5. Find ways to care for yourself for a while. No matter how much gentleness, caring and meeting of her needs you do, you will not see any return at first. You need to find ways to fill yourself up to keep yourself going. You WILL get discouraged along the way. EXPECT it and don't let it alter your course.

All this is SO much easier to say than to implement, I know. But this stuff WORKS. Give it your best shot, and stick with us. We can offer support and real-world advice as you walk the path.

(((((Parsnip)))

ETA: Catperson is exactly right about exposing to these people yourself. I missed that. DO IT.

YOU need to expose. Don't tell her you're going to expose, just DO IT. Expose to everyone, all at once.

"she told her mother and her sister" - but you don't know what she told them. She may have told him that you guys are having problems, you're trying to sort things out, but that you (BS) are being difficult, demanding, controlling, and impossible. She may have said that OM is a great friend who is helping her immensely by giving her a male perspective on things and encouraging her to reconcile with you. Or she may not have mentioned OM at all.

"she called him to tell him it was over" - did you hear this conversation? If not, she needs to write a letter that YOU mail to him. The letter needs to say that she loves you, that their relationship was a huge mistake, and that he should never contact her ever, for any reason. For all you know her "it's over" phone call was full of teary good-byes and "I'll never forget you" comments, and "he's making me do this" and "I don't know how I'll manage w/o you"

"he's told his partner" - uh huh. Yeah. Right. YOU tell his partner.

In addition to telling her parents, you need to tell your parents, OM's girlfriend, and the school board.

I know you need her income but obviously the rumors have been flying already - what if she gets sacked? She'll find employment somewhere, even if it means moving. Don't worry about "getting her fired" - HER actions put her in this predicament. SHE owns these consequences, not you.

By not exposing the affair, you are enabling it. If she were molesting children at the school, would you keep quiet and protect her from the consequences of her behavior?

If she were stealing from the school, or selling drugs to the children, would you keep it a secret? Her behavior is unacceptable and she needs to be held accountable for it. You need to examine your own integrity and stand up for what is right.

Oh, she'll hate you for it in the short term, but she'll appreciate it in the long term. And if you stand idly by and do nothing, she'll never respect you. And rightfully so, because you'd have done NOTHING to earn respect.

now she knows ive checked her emails etc, shes also changed the passwords on these and wont let me have them.

Put a keylogger on the PC.
Continue to snoop.
When you find evidence, do NOT confront her. Do NOT reveal your sources. Just keep on monitoring so that you do know when contact ends.

But mostly you need to expose.

And quit whining and pleading with her. Figure out what her ENs are and meet them. Figure out what LBs you commit and eliminate them.


Pep had a good point. Why did you two never marry?

Well we got engaged, she said yes but that was 8 years ago, we had a child and got on the property ladder instead, since then the money has gone elsewhere, i have asked about it in recent years before i knew all this, she now says i never want to get married, its pointless. To be fair neither of us are very religous although we were brought up christian (Church of England) I'd love to get married now i'm older wiser and realise i only want one woman, and a relationship thats worth more than cheap thrills. I'm hoping if this does work out it might be a possibilty in the future.

Just found out, theres a trip planned to barcelona next year with work, the OM going as well as my ww, i'm crying as i write this, i'm unbelievably gutted, dont know what to do anymore, i can't confront her yet im a mess.:( I asked her wether he was going and she lied.

You don't need to confront her.
You need to get your butt on the phone and expose this.
To EVERYONE.
NOW.

Then put the keylogger in place and maybe a recorder and anything else you can think of so you'll know for sure when contact stops.

But you KNOW there is an affair. Expose it.

Call her boss. Right now.

I guess i just know the outcome if i do this, i'll lose her. I might have to face up to that, she loves her job, and if i got her the sack we'd be ruined we wouldnt last a month, i think i'm about to lose the woman i love completely maybe ive already lost her i know it and im frightened to admit it.

Expose, you regroup financially, recover your marriage.

You don't expose, you will lose her, maybe the OM knocks her up, then dumps her. You want his OC?

Expose.

Ive spoke to her dad on the phone tonight, her mum called back going nuts, shes gone to stay there tonight, she left without saying a word, i hope it does some good shes probably going to stay there for a few days maybe longer i dont know. I'm hoping she sees sense, and doesnt tell me this is over, i hope god hears my prayers tonight.

Nearly every betrayed spouse who comes here says the same thing - I can't! She'll hate me! She'll leave me! She'll never forgive me!

Bull crap. Yes, she'll be mad. But if you can get her away from this addiction, this man, she can clear her head and see the horror of what she has done. This will ONLY happen if you expose. If you don't, she leaves, shacks up with him, they break up as almost all affairages do, and then she moves on to the next man who has no morals and will take her.

By NOT exposing, you are dooming her to a lifetime of h&ll. If you really loved her, you would expose and save her life. No matter what it does to you potentially.

Its too late now, shes just nipped home and told me were finished and that there's no hope of fixing it shes too far gone, not been in love with me for a long time and its not coming back. If it wasnt for my 8yr old i'd probably hang myself.

Well, before you hang yourself, I would expose the affair. Write a letter to the HR department and ask what they plan to do about the adultery being carried on at work.

Talk to the OM's partner personally. Let her know exactly what is going on.

This is far from over. Affairs always end, and exposing them ends them quicker.