i gotcha! It would be nice if you had the OMW on your team working with you.

A8,

The OMW deserves to know what is going on, as do your parents. Your WW is walking all over you. Stop and think about what you would want for your child if they were in this situation or for a good friend. It may give you a better perspective.

MelodyLane,

you said in another thread that you'd never accept a adulterous as a DIL. That is why it is so hard for me to tell my mother.

But your wife was not a married woman when you brought her home. That is what I was talking about. I would forgive a REPENTANT DIL. I would never accept a married woman as your wife. My son knows better than to darken my doorstep with a married woman.

A, you need to concern yourself more with getting the support you need than in shielding your W from the consequences of her adultery.

Yes, your mother will be upset with her. But your W can rectify that by ending her affair and apologizing to you and to her. Your mother will be upset that you didn't consult her.

alarrson8 - I could be wrong, but my guess is that you're afraid that if you tell your parents, they're going to want you to end it right away, when what you'd like to do is see this through to the end and try to reconcile if at all possible, with their support?

So,ideally, if you were to reconcile, you'd never tell them about this, basically. It would be a secret that you'd take to the grave.

hmmm

Well...all I can say is that secrets are difficult to keep but what is more...it sort of changes the dynamics of the relationship between you and the person you're keeping the secret from. It just feels different - not intact or as pure. There's a guilt you carry when you don't disclose to those who love you. So...it's sort of like 6 of 1 and half dozen of another. You keep a painful secret, but you feel the guilt for not sharing it with those who know and love you. You can fool yourself into thinking that you wouldn't want to hurt that person and are basically saving them a lot of pain. What happens is that pain turns inward and eats at you. When we share our pain, it divides. This is what a true family is there for. People are a whole lot stronger than we give them credit for and often take these things a lot better than we build it up in our imaginations to be.

My only suggestion is to sit your parents down and tell them you have something to tell them but that it's very important that you finish saying what you need to say before they respond.

You know your parents love you dearly and would want to know about your pain. If you had an adult child going through this, and he didn't tell you, you'd feel badly that the relationship wasn't such that he felt he could do that. You'd start questioning your parenting style. You'd feel badly.

It's true that they might butt in. They might offer their opinions before they're asked. Just be patient. Listen and hear them out. Remember that they're upset for you not at you.

I am not the model BS to follow but I can tell you that when you grow some balls and stand up for yourself your WW will respond. I know this is easier said than done. It took me a long time to stand up for myself and I still struggle at times today.

On telling your mother. I kept my story from her for a long time. I told my Dad but not my mom or sister. I was afraid they would judge her and things would never be the same between them and my WW. The day I told them both of them what was going on they gave me so much support. They did not judge and only wanted what was best for me and my family. I had such a huge weight lifted off my shoulders the day I told them. Tell you mom now, she will not react the way you fear. Like my mom was she will probably be a little hurt that you have kept if from her this long.

Ended up telling my mother on sunday, you were all correct, she has given me the best advice and support of anyone so far.

anyone know the typical response from HR when the two people in the affair do not have a boss/employee relationship? In my situation, my WW is a research fellow at a university and the OP is a full time on staff at the university. They work together in certain aspects of WWs job, but he is not her supervisor. He gives her direction on some thing because he is the supervisor of a lab WW helps out with on occasion. He has no bearing on her grades, assignments, or anything else, that responsibility lies with the professors she does the research for. In this situation, I am not sure HR would do anything other than tell the both of them that their relationship better not interfere with their jobs. I asked this same question to my mother (she manages 50-60 people in a national fortune 500 corporation) and she said that at her work, if they find out that two people, who are not direct reports, are having a relationship, that she and HR just sit them down and explain that it can't interfere with work. She said the only reason they ever fire people is when there is possibility of a sexual harassment lawsuit, bot for that to happen, one of the parties would have to make a complaint, or one you have to be a supervisor.

anyone out there who may have experience with HR at a university?

alarrson, if the best you can hope for is for HR to set them down and talk to them, then that is great! It will cause them embarassment and they will know they are not free to carry on their affair at work. This would be considered a SUCCESS if that happens. It will get out about the affair and make it very uncomfortable at work for them.

I have no idea how universities handle this stuff. In my industry [Fortune 500 soft drinks] it results in termination.

Go read the thread titled "My wife is destroying my family".

A person of authority was fired for having an affair with a student at a university.

Seems to fit you sitch to a T!