First time seeing or using this sight but looking for answers. I've been recently caught by my wife (phone records) talking and seeing another woman for nearly 6 months. She was devastated to say the least been married for almost 20 years. This is way out of my charecter to do this. The question i have to ask is it normal to feel numb or in shock of what i have done. I have gotten emotional at times and do feel remorse but still feel very guilty about what i've done. is the normal for the adulter to feel so much guilt that i can't see through it. I cant reach out to my wife and spill my guts and lay my heart and soul out to her, she need to have this from me.

How do i thaw my frozen heart and mind?


Thanks.

Just do it. Feelings follow actions. Statistically speaking, you will continue to try and hide the truth, tell half truths, or outright lie for weeks/months while you try to avoid the consequences of your actions. You will rationalize this by saying "I don't want to hurt her any more" and other such things that translate into "I'm too much of a coward to lay it out on the table." Your marriage will not get any better as you crush whatever love your wife has left for you. You will rationalize reconnecting with the OW, because your wife isn't getting over your affair when you are trying so hard. :RollieEyes:
You will then either be caught again, devastating your wife all over again, or you will simply abandon your wife at her lowest point.

- OR -

You can decide not to be a statistic. Continue to read and post here. Learn to take the harsher criticism as attempts to help you see the truth, because you are not objective right now as it pertains to your life and marriage. Understand that the affair was 100% your choice and your failure and cannot be blamed on your wife in any way, shape, or form. She is 50% responsible for the problems in your marriage, but 0% responsible for your choice to have an affair. As hard as it will be, the very best thing that you can do, is come COMPLETELY clean immediately. Its like cauterizing a wound. It hurts like all hell, but it stops the bleeding. One of the hardest things for your wife to get over will be the not knowing. You cannot begin to rebuild her trust in you until she feels that you are being honest and transparent.

Good luck and stick around.

idiot, did you end all contact with your affair partner? And I mean ALL..

Are you and your wife working on a program of recovery?

How is she taking all this?

Idiot,

Bring your wife here. We'll help you both.

Jo

I still have contact with her because we work together whichs creates more problems with my wife (which it should) and the other woman still is very forward and not letting go very easily.

My wife has moved out and his crushed but we are in counseling.

Recovery is impossible as long as you continue contact with the OW. That has to be the first step. Staying in touch with the OW makes withdrawal impossible and your W can't ever recover. This is like an alcoholic trying to recover while still drinking. A ridiculous notion.

I would also point out that counseling is a complete waste of time as long as your affair is still active, because you can't even begin recovery.


But the problem here is not HER, but you. YOU are supposed to let go.

Can you send your wife here so we can help her protect herself? Thanks.

By ending your AFFAIR.

Idiot,

If you have any notion of saving your marriage...quit your job immediately.

It's the only way to demonstrate to your wife that you are serious about recovering your marriage (without even having to unthaw your heart) and it's the only way to get away from OW.

An alcoholic can't quit drinking and still go to the bar everyday.

Mr Wondering

Idiot.

You DO understand, don't you, that every time you go to work, you chip another piece of your wife's heart out? She KNOWS the danger inside that building, yet you coldly and "numbly" continue to go there, even as you watch her writhe in pain.

I wonder how long she will settle for this torture before she goes numb herself. And you lose her forever.

Get out of there. Is this job more important to you than your wife, your marriage, your family, and your future? If so, your wife would be better off without you.

Wake up, man!

Either you or the OW has to quit the job. Must have NC. No way around it.

I know no contact is a must but there is no way i can quit my job at this time. With the economy the way it is today i must stay. And i think she has no plans of leaving.

Well, then, idiot, you've made your choice. You have chosen financial security over your wife, and over your marriage as well. Can't have your cake and eat it too, and all of this is due to YOUR bad choices.

Please send your wife here so we can help her through this nightmare you've created in her life.

Then your wife would be wise to move on..

Our actions define our character.

beware of your thoughts, they become words

beware of your words, they become actions

beware of your actions, they become habits

beware of your habits, they become character

beware of your character, they become your destiny

Well, then you likely will not regain your wife's trust, and the longer the sitch continues, the harder it will become to rebuild that trust again, if at all possible.

Here's a different question you might ask yourself:

How do I recover my integrity and my character?

"I cant reach out to my wife and spill my guts and lay my heart and soul out to her..."


Let me tell you WHY you cannot do this.

It is because you are keeping your addiction to this other woman alive, simply by continuing to work with her every day. Even if you're not actually sleeping with her (are you?), you're getting just a little fix every time you see her or talk to her. Just enough to keep you numb to the wife you professed to "love, honor and cherish."

Until you break off ALL contact, you will never get anywhere you want to go...unless where you want to go is back to the arms of the OW. In which case, I would tell you to spare your wife months and months of additional pain and trauma by just divorcing her.

It would probably be the biggest mistake you could make, apart from the one you've made already, but the absolute WORST thing you can do is what you're doing...CAKE EATING. Keeping in contact with OW while keeping your wife dangling on the line.

So unfair, don't you think?

Then accept your fataly flawed thinking and the job that goes with it and expect a divorce in the not too distant future.

Two horrible words that predict failure every time are:

"I CAN'T."

Good luck,

All Blessings,
Jerry

Hmmm, it seems that you are at a point where you can do one of two things:

1) You can try to restore your wife's trust and your character by being willing to do whatever it takes to repair the damage you've done to your marriage or

2) You can use the economy as an excuse and then you don't really have to be to "blame" when your marriage falls apart.


If you choose #1 it will require sacrifice and courage.

If you choose #2 you may be able to convince everyone else it wasn't your fault, but you will never be able to convince the guy in the mirror every morning.