I have been away, I know
But I was doing so good, I tried 3 therapists, one I fired after the first session, I kept two and I fired one of them today, I kept the one I feel progress with, we really connect and we work well together.
On his recommendation, I am going to s-anon meetings every Sunday and
I read two books about co-dependence and I am learning and making progress every day

But today I lost it again, I went back to my old ugly ways, mistreated my husband, mistreated me and I made irrational rush decisions I am already regretting.

Because my babys nanny is the granddaughter of my husband last affair, I decided to look for another nanny. The decision was so hard. I loved the nanny, we were friends, she was becoming a second mom to me and a grandmother to my son, much more than just a hired nanny.

Once I made the decision I looked and found a suitable nanny to start next monday.
Then it came the decision on how to break it to the old nanny.
After a lot of, yes, asking others, I embarked on deep inner search and decided i would tell her the truth. It was the right decision, I needed the real reasons out of my chest and grief loosing her right there and then

She partially knew. We hugged and say our goodbyes.

On my way home, with my son and all his stuff on the truck, resentment began to set in. I had to change my son from an awesome nanny because of my h behavior, and I had to do it all alone, look for the nanny on different circles, pre-interview, once i chose one, i had him meet her so he would approve. I had to be the one 'firing' the old nanny putting all in the car holding tears. I was left to fix his mess.

The feeling of loss became anger and resentment, I started shaken, I KNEW it was a bad idea to call him at that point, but i surrender to my urge and call him anyway

In top of everything I didn't say what i was really thinking
I should have said something like : I am angry and disappointed that I had to change nanny all by myself and that i had to do it all alone when you caused this situation

Instead I started rambling about the fact that he has been promising to provide me access to his account and he hasn't. to top it off he announced he is getting his own cell phone because he doesnt like it that I check on his calls, I started pushing him to admit he really doesn't care about me. He started defending himself and saying how nothing he does is ever enough, he will never be able to give me what I need. That he needs his 'independence' and that is why ha needs his own cell phone

I said, exactly, you have surrendered on me already, i am too much work, have your independence, but stop giving me false hope that you want to be with me.
He replied he can not deal with me until he finishes therapy (he is not on a recovery program)
I said, how much time is that? what am I supposed to do in the mean time? wait with crossed fingers?, admit you don't want to try

So, it finally came, I push, I received. He said

You are right, i can not do this anymore,. Let's leave it like this, enough. you want me to be the one saying it? i am saying it, we are over.

I said, ok, call me when you want to see your son, I'll try to accomodate.
other than that I don't want to see you. forget about couples therapy on Thursday, I am not going, there is no point.

**********************

Why do I keep doing this? I should know better not to face him when I am emotionally unstable. Picking up my son at his last day at the nannys, knowing i will never go back there , loading the car with stuff, many of which she bought for my son was painful and draining.

Now I really blew it, I have lost all credibility, I can not re-link again. I need to stop loving him, stop needing him and really become my own person.

He has been out of the house for over 3 weeks, he left when he refused to let me see his statements.

I hate this, even if I didn't end it, i hated the wait and the now knowing, the constant broken promises and the tension.

I know I ended it, even though the words came out of his mouth.

Thank you for listening. I thought i was better, but i relapsed, and it feels horrible.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You have every reason to feel anger and resentment. While the OA and DJ are not the MB way there is some thing I find sort of therapeutic about them. I OAed and DJed all over my FWH. Really wasn't interested in recovering the marriage in the beginning and he deserved every bit of anger he got. I would have lost all respect for my H if he had whined about me being "mean", blamed me for daring to be angry or overreacting. I'm glad I got all the things I wanted to say off my chest before our recovery began. If the truth hurts, it hurts. It was the proudest moments of my life but FWH needed to hear it and I needed to say it if we were ever going to have any sort of relationship (divorced or married) in the future.

Your WH continues to hide things from you...wonder why? Protect yourself and your son from WH's abuse. Perhaps one day he will be ashamed of himself to do right by you.

its been over 3 months since he left
And her I am, doing better in many ways, but pretty much in the same place when it comes to the relationship.

He says he wants back, but does nothing to get there.
I talked to him about it recently and he agreed we should start talking.

But he is so casual about everything, he doesnt' seem excited about us working things out nor he seems to mind we are apart

If asked,(very persistently) he will say he loves me and wants us to be together, but left to his own way, he will just say he cares about me and that will not change whether we end up together or not.

I told him It seems it is just the same for him. He went in circles and ended up saying he doesn't understand me and he doesn't know what I expect him to say or do. He 'recommends' we start talking and sharing some activities together and 'see what happens'

See what happens.. That is horrible!!He is the one who has cheated, twice and in top of that I have to stay and wait to see what happens? I don't know i can do that or if I want to do that. At the same time I don't feel strong enough to end the relationnship.

The relationship, I don't even know what kind of relationship this is. We live apart, we don't talk unless it is about our son. I stay faithful, I have no idea what he is doing.

I told him I wanted to be able to make a decision by June. He was uncorfortable about that, but is it.

Two days have passed by, I know I'll see him tomorrrow because he picks up our baby Sundays morning. In those two days he just called a few minutes ago to confirm he was picking up the baby. I said I love you. he didn't reply.

I was cheated on and I am begging for love. How do I go back to a place of serenity and dignity?

Thank you for listening

This is why Harley developed Plan B. Others will chime in with their opinions, but it seems to me your H has developed a line of independent thinking that will add nothing to your marriage.

You may well be co-dependent, but you don't need this chaos and uncertainty in your life. If I were in your shoes, I'd go Plan B and shut this man out of your life until you are comfortable and independent without him, firstly, and secondly, until he comes back to you, apologetic and remorseful as a wayward spouse should be.

If you need help "getting there", call the Harleys.

JMHO

Welcome Back DiscoveringSelf,

So in the time you have been gone, what have you learned about A, and what have you been doing to R yours?

Possibly not much?

I guess I would ask you if you REALLY want to R your M... Are YOU willing to do what it TAKES regardless of what HE does?

I am not sure if I understand your response
I think you are asking what have I been up to?

I have been focusing on myself and, yes, working on my co-dependency via therapy and a 12 step group.

I regularly asked him what was going on and what were his intentions but kept on getting very 'bland' responses...

I have been assertive to express my need and defined boundaries where he was being abusive, for the most part he responded positively to those where he stopped the abusive behavior
(i,e, he started to informed me when he changed plans that affected me and my son. He stopped taking things from the house without telling me) in other instances, he didnt agree so I had to take actions to protect myself...

I am willing to do my part, and I think I am where I communicate now without any love busters and don't manipulate.
I don't know what else to do

Are you in Plan A?

Sounds like you are.

If you are in Plan A, one of the most important things I learned was that you can not assume, expect or wait for any reaction or effect it's having on WH.

You are doing YOUR PLAN and not waiting for his reponses.

He does show signs of taking me for granted at the most ridiculous levels...I think you are right. it is difficult since I see him 2=3 times a week because of our son. Every time I see him I feel all my emotions stirred up and I need him again, badly

Definitively a lot of codependency... i have been with this man since I was 16, so all my adult life. I need to believe I will be ok with or without him... I can say those words but they don't sink in yet...

It sucks

It took me a LONG time to come to the realization, You cannot change them or what they do, Just let it be, dont react, and help yourself!

G-d do I understand this.

When you are learning is that you have NO CONTROL over anyone but yourself. Yes....

We can do the footwork (Plan A), but the results are in G-ds hands and what the other person does is really not our business.

How am I doing so far...

But keep doing what you want to do in Plan A.... Remember its YOUR plan. WH has no clue what you are doing.

I have been letting him be, it's been over three months, for how long am I supposed to wait?
He ended the relationship with this woman, but he is not reengaging with me.
I think it is been long enough. If he doesn't know what he wants, I can not just sit and pray it is me who he wants

I am on plan A, he is on plan NOTHING
I waited all this time, but I think I deserve to know where he stands.

I am very confused

Plan B ???

A month and a half later.
I am in the same place
He says he wants for us to be together, but does nothing about it. He has other priorities, he always too busy, to tired, to stressed out.

It is clear to me that, not only he cheated on me multiple times with porn and other women, but also that he is not in love with me.

He shows no interest in seeing me, spending time with me, anything.

If i approach him, the he says I am right, he will do better he doesnt want this to end, etc.

That is all I get. I am putting 110% on rebuilding this marriage but it takes two to tango.
He is, or was, my college sweetheart, I love him dearly. But it seems i have to accept that some time ago, he stopped loving me. He is living his life and taking me for a ride.
I am neglected, disregarding and on the receiving side of a lot of complacency.

If I introduced the concept of toying with a divorce, I get flowers, a smile and a holding hands. crums, that is what I get. Yes still even that get my heart rising.

It seems he prefers to let this love of 22 years die a slow painful death. I want in or out. commitement or closure.

I thought I was afraid of putting my foot down because he might just not care and move on. Well, he doesnt care now and he already moved out and moved on.

My question, how does one get over the biggest and only love on your life (I met him when i was 16) We have a baby, so I have to see him every freaking week. What steps do I take to move on?

I am doing great on self care, but I want to date, I want for a male companion to smile at me, share with me, treat me with respect and consideration. i was hoping that male would be my husband, but he doesn't want to.

Your Plan A seemed a tad too rough. You let him see you as the clingy you. He now has a lasting impression of a cookie wrapped up in the consequences of his adultery.

I would get me sorted out in a Plan B move first.

I here your plans - I have been separated for 7 months and he just says he wants out. We have in the past talked about taking it slow, however, he has done nothing to make anything happen. I stopped calling him. and he called last week stated he needed some paperwork for something, I did not return the call yet. I need some time. I believe that he does not want the marriage, we have been married for 41/2 years. He said he will never return, we are not divorced, no paperwork in the courts. and we have no children together. our children are adults. I believe that he could be using substances, not sure. but I want my marriage to work, any suggestions. It still hurts. I am not seeing anyone. I want to give it time to work out. How should I stay engaged or just let it set for a minute.

O/T: Hi Sunshine,

My love - you need to set up your own site up by going to new reply on the "New reply" column at General Questions 11 site.

In the mean time do read the articles. Shame you've been here a while.

Thank you, I looked for new reply on the general info. list, didn't see it. can you give directions.