OMG I'm so sorry GG. I've been away - only just saw this now. (((((GreenGables))))

Anne,
You are in my thoughts and my prayers.

I just looked up the obit. It is heartbreaking.

I hope the girls are helping you through this. Just having their activity and life in your house will keep you going.

You had the courage to pursue love and took the time to learn what it would take to make a happy marriage. I'm so sorry you weren't able to enjoy the life you planned together.

From all the work you've done, I believe you have the strength to heal from this. And it will take time.

Praying for you and the girls.

You will get through this too. It might help to plan some activity in the morning, since mornings are so hard.

Good that you went skating, I think it is important for your girls to continue family activities.

You had M for such a short time that it is heartbreaking. Prayers going up for you.

Hi GG.

It's been awhile since I've been on here and as a newlywed myself, I can feel your heartbreak. If my H was gone, I can't imagine the time I would have. Please know that my thoughts and prayers go to you at this time and that God will comfort you.

Loni

I am sending you a hug.

I am praying for you.

I am hoping there is at least one thing to make you smile today.

I'm so sorry to hear this. You are in my prayers.

Prayers still going up for you and your girls.

It will take a long time for you to feel better. I have a friend that lost a child to leukemia fifty years ago. When I asked her how long it took for her to recover, she told me she still thinks of her daughter almost every day. That is the price of loving someone.

I am very sorry GG. I don't think words can express just how saddened I am to hear this.

I am so, so sorry.

Please pick up a copy of "The Shack" and read it. It helped my SIL when my brother passed away and she sent all of us a copy. She told me she rereads it on the really bad days, and it still helps her.

Hope things are okay and you will check in.

Dear GG,

I have not been on in ages...but every now and then I check old friends to see how they are doing. I am so sorry to hear about your husband....you sounded so happy with him. Sometimes life if really a puzzle...and things happen that have no explanation. I am glad for you that you have had some happy memories. My prayers are with you.

Pat (formally miseryinmissouri and movinoninmo)

Take Care and best regards to you and your family.

Thanks for all your prayers and kind thoughts. While I've looked at online support groups, I feel most comfortable here. I came here looking for answers to save my first marriage. Had the marriage been a marriage the way I understand it now, those answers would have given me the power to save my marriage. Back in 2001-2003 there were decisions to make, action plans to try.

Now, the decision has been made for me, there is nothing I can do but put one foot in front of the other. I'm deeply mourning and so sad. I feel like my love broke up with me. I'd really like to know why M died, but I haven't heard back yet. Last night I got scared that I'd died suddenly like that leaving the girls alone. I trust God that that won't happen, but I was worried. My latest crazy worry is that I'm totally insane and poisoned him without knowing. This is ludicrous as my pastor pointed out, but without an explaination, I clutching at straws. Had the results come back "massive stroke" or "massive coronary" I could comfort myself with the thought that had Mike survived in a diminished physical or mental state, he would have been miserable. After watching his sister died of cancer, he didn't want a long illness. He told me to just shoot him, but make sure he really was sick first! However, we were talking 20-40 years from now. Not NOW!

I cry tears about once or twice a day now, and I haven't wailed like an animal in a while. I just cry and wail on the inside and my abs are held so tight that it must be like doing thousand of sit ups. By the time I go to bed, I ache all over. I can't eat much and when I do, it often doesn't agree.

However, I get up in the morning. I get dressed and take the kids to school. I've mopped the floor and taken the trash out. I'll go to church today, and take the girls to the ice skating rink. I went to the movies with my friend and our kids last night. Unfortunately, High School Musical 3 is all about love with lots of songs that let people think. I won't do that again soon. So there we are. Life must be lived.

Hi GG,

I'm sorry no words can make you feel better. What a lonely process, even with support, you must be going through. One step, one step...I hope you get an answer about the cause of Mike's death and that it will give you comfort.

How terrible you're having thoughts of responsibility. Of course, as your pastor pointed out they are "ludicrous", but our minds work in unpredictable and often disturbing ways. Likely the thoughts are all part of a process which will bring you to a better place.

You can be proud of your daily efforts of getting on with the mundane and the duties with your girls.

((((GG and girls))))

Thanks, Nams. I also wonder: What if we hadn't had steak? What if, what if, what if? Since I don't even know WHY, my little "what if" game goes to ridiculous places.

Science is imperfect...look at SIDS babies.

Do not torture yourself with the "whys." Marvel in the blessings that your husband was to you for the short amount of time that you two were together.

Find a way to honor his memory every single day and he will never be gone. The sting of death is temporary. Grieve....it is necessary...but NEVER forget that you grieve because you were blessed with a wonderful man.

My neighbor lost their 18 year old son in a car crash. After the mother got through the grieving (I do know she will have some pain forever) she said to me..."I would rather have had my son for 18 years, than any other child for a lifetime."

I know this is cliche...and I hope you will forgive my using it...but live like you know your husband would want you too. He wants you to be happy...do all the things that you two had planned. I believe if you do this, he will be by your side and in your heart.

Let go of the things we don't understand. Hold on to that which is most dear to you. You loved with all of your heart. Now live with the knowledge that you are a child of God and will one day see your husband again.

I'm glad you checked in GG. I hope you get some solid answers from the coroners office soon. It seems understandable, in your grief, how your mind is all over the place trying to find a rhyme or reason as to why he died. Just try to be kind to yourself. Hopefully the tox report will provide some answers.....

Thinking of you often

Medoc, that's good advice...

Mike would want me to be happy, eventually. I know he wants me to go on with life, but not necessarily to get over him. Besides, how do you get over the love of your life? I know, based on Dr. Harley's principles, it is possible to love again, but ... the likelihood is I'll be a widow for the next 40 years. And I've already decided, I'm not waiting more than 40 years to see him again. (Hoping the Lord and I see eye-to-eye on this one. Unfortunately, His ways are not my ways.)

DW, thanks for your thoughts. I'm doing my best.

Church is so hard. I see M at our wedding and then again in the casket.

On another note, I'm staying away from the EN board because I'm so afraid I'll tell a disgruntled spouse that life is too short to put up with a so-called spouse who isn't willing to help make marriage and life wonderful. There were plenty of people at MB who told me that marriage wouldn't be any better with anyone else. They were wrong. I worked on myself, and when I met a fabulous man who was willing to "make adjustments," I was worthy of his effort and love. Mike wasn't perfect, and there were plenty of times I almost called the relationship off in spite of loving him. But, we worked through it together. We were a team. Everyone should be part of a team.

Still here praying for you.

While reading your posts, I was struck with something. Mike was SO lucky to have you for his last moments on earth. I can say, with absolute certainty, that he felt blessed.

Loni

GG, I'm a little concerned about the following words:

"And I've already decided, I'm not waiting more than 40 years to see him again. (Hoping the Lord and I see eye-to-eye on this one. Unfortunately, His ways are not my ways.)"

Can you clear this up please? I don't want to cause you any stress, but can you understand my concern?

GG - Your thoughts about poisoning him accidentally are very normal. The not knowing the why is very difficult. I had even thought to warn you not to take any meds (remember the whole Tylenol thing), to check for carbon-monoxide, etc.

Hope you get the Grief Recovery Handbook. It will help you get through all the what ifs, if onlys.

But you are doing fine. When you lost the love of your life, you should be sad. Just part of loving someone.

Continue living and things will get better.