As you may expect complete discust. As i said earlier her parents both died suddenly about 5 years ago and I think this may be part of the problem. Her Aunt and Uncle are now, I suppose, kind of surrogate parents and I have been in constant contact with them but she refuses to speak to them, she says she will when ready, they are very angry and worried about her

Forgot to say, DD is not saying much yet. She keeps saying she is fine, but she probably would

Boy I am sorry for what you are going thru. You do not deserve it but just some thing from your first post.


They obviously did not work. You need to start seeing things for what they are not what you want them to be.


Never give an ultimatum unless you mean it. It is just an idle threat and when your bluff is called you are in deep do do. You are obviously very much in love with your wife. But her to you...Not so much! Women that are very much in love with you don't do what she is doing. You need to start seeing things for what they are not what you want them to be.


So you really believe she is in the spare room? Wow. So the woman who is so in love with you moved out to another mans place and you buy that she is in his spare room? I have to say there is something wrong with your thought process.

The woman who is so in love with you moved into another mans place. She is having sex with him otherwise she could just be in her home with you the man she loves. Do you not see this.


And you buy this? A woman that loves you would not do this. She had a place to live your home but chose to go and boff another man. You need to see what is there and not what you wish was there.


Again she told you something was missing. She was not happy. That is not your fault. Your job is not to make her happy. If your job is to make her happy you could let her sleep with this other guy for as long as she wants.

So now you are going to Plan B. Well you are just setting yourself up for more pain. Did you ever consider getting tough with her?

When I threw my XW out and filed for divorce was the day I got my freedom and self-worth back. She did want to come back right away and try and work things out. I told her enough I am moving on with my life.

Now until I did that she treated me with disdain all of the time. When I grew a pair everything changed. You should tell her to come home now and work on the marriage or you will file for Divorce and move on with your life.

Even if you file for D that does not mean you will divorce. She can come back and stop sleeping with other dudes. You need to decide what kind of life you want to have.

Her choices do not make you a bad guy. She needs a dose of reality. If you go to plan B that will only tell her that she can continue to have exciting sex with this guy and in a worse case scenario she can come back to you when she has had her fun or she can stay with him and live happy ever after.

If you go to plan D she will know she is going to lose you. Absorbing this kind of abusive behavior from a woman is not worth it. I feel bad for all the guys on here who just look for crumbs.

In my case my XW told me she never thought I would D her. She always thought I would be there. I am much happier without her and the fact I am dating a younger woman (7 years younger than her) kills her. As I told her now you know how I felt being married and watching your wife go to sleep with another guy because she loves the sex with him.

Take back your life. Again just my opinion and probably worth what you paid me for it. I do hope you get your life back.

WOW, IHE ... GREAT POST.

This place would be a lot better, and there would be a lot more stable BH's, if more of them acted like you describe.

Weak BH's are not attractive to anyone, especially their WW's, and this place ENCOURAGES weakness in way too many instances.

Newbie BH's are told to "be still", "go into Plan A for 6 months", "don't make any ultimatums", "take time to formulate a plan", etc., etc., etc. ... ALL while their WW's are screwing another man.

Maintaining self-respect is rarely, if ever, an issue when all of this "advice" is being freely offered, and because of that, many (possibly most) MB BH's have very little self-respect when they come out of the other side of this nightmare.

All you have to really do is look around at the true success stories, and they are almost ALL from BH's who took decisive, definitive ACTION IMMEDIATELY. Even those who wound up D'd, are much better off than those who "settled for crumbs".

MyRev - I couldn't agree more with you.

Now maybe my problem is for me to be married to a woman the minimum requirement is that she not boff other men.

Nothing will change a WW attitude more than a man who decides enough is enough. If she knows her H loves her no matter what and there is no healthy fear that he will dump her then she has no incentive to change her behavior.

Recently I saw a couple of BS guys who had revenge affairs on their WW. It sure snapped their WW's out of the I get to go boff other dudes world and you are going to wait for me. Let me be clear I do not advocate having a revenge affair, but I do advocate moving on immediatly if she continues on with her affair.

With my XW it worked like a charm. She thought she could get my paycheck my home a nice new car and sex from her very new stud without any consequences. As soon as I got tough and cut off her funding, filed for D and kicked her out to go be with her stud she crashed to earth very fast. If I would have not done that she would have been content to abusing me for who knows how long.

The best revenge is living well without her. I must say I thought about a revenge affair but I would have sunk to her level. Now living well with a new woman beats the hell out of sitting there hoping my wife would stop having sex with another man. The worst thing a guy can do is nothing and allow her behavior to continue.

The bottom line is if we allow people to treat us like this then shame on us.

MyRev IHadEnough(know how you feel).

You do both make some very valid points, I am at the point where I am ready to file for divorce and mean it. I am going to Plan B in two weeks time, I still have some things to sort out. The person who would have been an ideal intermediary is in hospital after an operation for cancer and I will not burden them. I will find someone else. Going to Plan B is not particularly to protect my love, it is to save me from anymore pain.
I live in the UK, and a divorce for Adultery, if uncontested can be done in about 6 months, if she is sure this what she wants then this should focus her mind.

The MB rules and ways DO NOT ADVOCATE WEAKNESS. what MB does advocate is a marriage. The main question is, do you want your marriage to work? if you answer yes, then the plans (A and B) may and can work, no where does it say to lay down and get walked on.
The reasoning for plan B is not designed to get walked on, its in reality to help you "move" along in this very hurtful scenerio, if the WS decides they want the marriage to work then you have two working, if the WS never returns then you have charged ahead making the arrangements needed with less pain as possible.
Please do not send a message to all the S's that they are weak for wanting their marriages to work.

yep.

If you are ready to file for D and mean it then what are you waiting for and why plan B? Sorry, but your train of though is confusing to me. WW is already moved out...what is going to change in 2 weeks?...cut her off today.


File for D and have her served. You can tell her it's an early Christmas present...to yourself.

Black Raven,
The Plan B is to protect me from anymore pain. I know the theories and that Plan B may help her have a change of heart, but I am sat here thinking that even if she does, am I prepared to risk her hurting me again? I don't think I am and that is why divorce proceedings are just around the corner. I have had a very tough week and in some ways am still in shock. I want to give myself a few days to clear my head before I make any decisions

I can understand the shock and the conflicting thoughts bw...I do. I just see it as WW is already moved out and from what you've posted it sounds like you are the one still contacting her not the other way around. I'm not saying you should file for D tomorrow, but while you are deciding what to do you can still go dark and ignore her calls, emails, etc instead of subjecting yourself to 2 more weeks for her nonsense...that's the part I don't understand.

Thanks BR,
I do understand what you mean, I want to speak to the Harleys before I go to Plan B, once in it I can't really come out. I am not contacting WW, she is coming to house to pick up or see DD. We have many things to sort out and then I can go dark and try and find some peace

Yanno Brae, This situation just underlines my frustration with people who just up and leave as soon as they think they are in recovery only to soon make a reappearance. I'm sure there have been signs of this over the last year and we would have seen them.

I think I'd go straight to Plan D and cut off all contact with her.

I agree with Mel that she's most probable been in contact the whole time and Cymanca made the excellent point that your contention that the only thing wrong with your marriage was the recent reappearance of the OM is delusional at best.

The OM in my own situation has made regular reappearances over the last 3 years of our recovery and my wife has, EVERY time informed me straight away and we have dealt with it as a TEAM and the last time it happened took legal action against him. The reappearance of the OM has not set our recovery back at ALL. And my wife's affair did not die a natural death. She abandoned her affair due to my actions while she was still in lurve with OM.

You settled for too little. Didn't read the signs and abandoned your support group. You are more concerned about playing happy families for your daughters sake than saving your marriage. That's OK. That's your choice. Plan D.

Thanks for all your replies. I am not ignoring you, I am just very down at the moment and taking some time to think things through.
My WW says that she had no contact from July last year until August this. In that time things were improving well.
OM reappeared, this coincided with WW finding out her best friend had advanced cancer and she started meeting OM for coffee. I don't know how much of this is true, I am just relaying what she said. She said although she knew it was wrong, she didn't think she was doing any harm. I found out about this a couple 3 or 4 weeks ago and told her to stop seeing him or get out, so she did.
I am not fully in to Plan B, although I only have contact when she contacts me. I will go total Plan B at the weekend and at the moment I am planning to file for D as soon as I can afford the fees, very soon after Christmas

Looking for some sample Plan B letters. I have SAA and so have the one from there, but other examples would be appreciated.

Nothing much has changed, just a lot of WW speak. I am grateful for all the responses, I have just been really down, understandbly I suppose and just needed some time to think

braeworth, I would strongly suggest you get the letter written today so you can go dark before she gets any more adjusted to the separation. Time is a wasting, friend. The letter in SAA is perfectly sufficient for your needs. Just write out your version and post it here so we can give you feedback.

Plan B letter link
Letters

Thanks Mel,

Here goes

My darling XXX,
I apologise for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I did not understand that I was neglecting your needs and now we are both suffering for my mistakes.
I am willing to avoid the mistakes I have made in the past and create a new life for both of us where we will both be happy. But I cannot do that until you end your realtionship with XXXX once and for all and return home to work on our marriage.
Until then I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Please do not e-mail, text or phone me.
You are free to see DD whenever you want but I will not be there when you pick her up or drop her off. I also ask that you respect my request that until further notice she has no contact with OM.
If you need to communicate with me about DD or any other matter please do so through XXXX or my parents.
I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you but you must know the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with XXX.
I still love you but cannot see you under these conditions.
I believe we can rebuild our marriage someday. We need to build a new lifestyle which will make us both happy. I want to be your best friend and you to be mine.
I have always loved you and still do but in order to protect that love I cannot see you as long as you are seeing XXX

With All My Love
xxxx





Used SAA as a template but I think it seems a bit long

I have gone to Plan B today. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and any support would be appreciated

Just wondering what I can expect to got through, some type of withdrawal I expect and intense sadness