GH,

Says the King. No real need for plan b then is there. You will be gone and she will be there in Australia. I do agree when opportunity knocks it is foolish to yell "just a minute", when all you are doing is reading the paper.

She hasn't changed, she is using the resentment like a shield, OM is still in the picture. It is time it seems to make a move, the data is piling up as to what you should do.

God Bless,

JL

The thing is JL, you are dead right. I will still write a Plan B letter. Who knows, she might show up in Germany grovelling etc but I doubt it.

Legally I cannot divorce her until at least February 2008 because in Australia we need to be separated for at least 12 months. Since we've been living under the same roof since May 2008 that may complicate things as we have had regular sex and a completely integrated life - makes it harder from a paperwork point of view because witnesses need to sign affidavits confirming that we had completely separate lives.

The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh sleep in separate bedrooms in Buckingham Palace, but they wouldn't consider themselves to be "separated" now would they?

I have had a recent thought though... I am also a British citizen (thanks to my Dad) and could divorce her in 60 days through the British courts by naming the adulterer. I explained this to her and she got very annoyed that I had even researched divorce procedures. Is she nuts? I think so!

Thanks again for posting JL.

GH31

Yes she is nuts. It's one of the symptoms of waywardness. Canadian laws are very similar - 1 year separation or much sooner if you claim adultery or abuse. About 4 months after separation, WstbxH started to bug me to sign the divorce papers. I said sure, so long as I can check the adultery box and write her name in (it asks for details). He flipped out! I told him it was the only way he could get an immediate divorce, otherwisehwe'd have to wait the full year from our separation date in which case he didn't need me to sign anyway. He still flipped. I said I didn't write the laws but I guess being the BS it's still somehow my fault. I should be writing this in your fog-babble thread.

The point is, he wanted the divorce, but he didn't want the label. Actually, I think he was more offended that I was going to give OW the label. Whatever. But it was an inconvenience that the laws didn't bend to his every whim - as I didn't - therefore it must be my fault. Wayward logic at its best.

And FWIW, I have yet to receive divorce papers though it's been 6 months past the date when he no longer needed my signature. OWH got his last week. Maybe mine are in the mail. Or WstbxH just forgot. Either one is possible.

I did something last night I really shouldn't have done.

W and I were hanging out at home like we always do - I did a few beauty things for her like plucking her eyebrows, shaving hair on the back of her neck etc. Then we were chatting away and she offered me a massage.

Anyways, we ended up having very passionate SF.

I am going to cop some 2x4s here I know. I shouldn't be doing this whilst preparing for a Plan B - I am only making life very hard for myself.

What is it with my W? I went on the computer yesterday and deleted loads of pictures of OM in her iPod file. But...there are also loads of our wedding pictures in there as well. How deranged is that? Really? And she's only owned an iPod since OM entered the scene - it was a gift from him to her!

Unbelievable.

Bloody Heck this is tough,

W gets wind that I am planning to move out and we have the best Sunday ever.

Passionate sex in the morning followed by 2 hours of indoor climbing together, then shopping, coffee together and chatting, then a movie.

Basically a great Sydney day spent together. When I compare where we are now with 5-6 months ago there has been much progress.

But... contact with OM persists and W is having a tremendously difficult time with not seeing him when he visits Sydney in a few weeks. She says she "owes him" and wants to "repay her debt" and not "ruin his holiday".

This ongoing contact bothers me terribly and I have told her as much. I have asked her to cancel the visit and she has agreed (kinda) and said the situation is "ridiculous really...". She also said "If I want to be with you then doing things with OM would be the wrong thing to do" and "the reasons for me leaving him haven't gone away" and "I felt lost without you GH31 when we were apart. We have a special way about us - it's really unique and irreplacable".

I also said "what would it be like if I were having a chat with your father and brother and they ask me "where is W?". Then I would say "well you never guess what...she's out showing her ex-boyfriend/boyfriend around Sydney". She said something to the effect of "well that wouldn't do" or "I didn't think of that...".

For heaven's sake.

Then today I asked her to "take care of business" and she was annoyed at my "nagging" as she was leaving for work. She wanted to cancel lunch and sent me an SMS saying something about me "nagging" her. Anyway, I emailed her the following email:

Hello my dear W,

Thank you for your SMS.

In truth I don't want to even think about this subject, let alone talk about it with you. Neither you nor I have any fun discussing it.

I would simply be grateful if you would do what you said you would do in the first place (weeks ago) and remove the cause ... so that it never has to occupy thought or conversation again.

As for lunch, it will go ahead at 1pm and we can enjoy it and each other. There is a time and place to talk about less palatable subjects and lunch isn't it.

GH31

and she replied with:

Hmmmm, see you then...

I AM SO CONLICTED AND CONFUSED!!! What the heck am I supposed to do with this girl? It's true about sex making a man feel close to his woman and with women it's the other way around.

W and I spend hours and hours in each other's company (1 on 1)every week. Obviously it's having an effect and she's very close to me, but when I want to go dark because of this continued vacillation (she still won't say ILY or wear her wedding ring) I am thrown again. We have been sleeping together much more and she has been returning caresses recently but she still has all of her things in the spare room and says "we're not officially back together until I move everything back into this big room".

She is letting me meet her emotional needs by spending all this time with me doing fun things, we have sex more than most married couples do and she pays for all the household bills. She even bought me lunch and my movie ticket at the weekend which is unlike her.

I have been much more vocal about not being disrespected. If she says or does things that I find objectionable then I let her know - not in a horrid way, but I insist on being treated the way she herself would want to be treated.

What a mixed up little girl. Especially since she had pictures of OM in her iPod together with pictures of just me on my own and our wedding pictures. Good God ... whatever next???

This is just so damn tough.

I feel a little like a deer caught in the headlights. Am I paralysed, or blind to what's going on? Or am I making genuine progress?

WW says things like "I am starting to care more about your feelings GH31". She has been back under the same roof as me now for nearly 6 months. When she asked if I was planning to move out and I said "yes" she replied "well that's just great". I said "It's pver darling, look at the state of us. We sleep in separate rooms about two thirds of the time, don't wear our wedding bands and you're in love with another man on the other side of the world. Get with the program, the writing is on the wall. Can't you see?", to which she replies "no, not really. We have a really deep attachment".

Advice, pointers.... please...

It's simple what is going on here.

Your WW will not give up her OM. She can't wait for him to come and have three weeks of non stop sex with him. She's hoping that he will then take her back with him when it's time to go home.

Currently your WW is banging you and meeting your needs because she want's to string you along and keep you as a back up plan.

And, WW is banging you just enough for you to keep from telling her family that she plan's on going on dates with the OM and having sex with him.

You need to expose WW to every one, then go plan B with her after exposure if she refuse's to go NC with the OM before the OM arrives.

Does you wife honestly believe that the OM is just going to visit Aussy Land for a tour??? Pay all that money and not expect some perks??? I didn't get the impression that was mentioned previously that she will leave you for him the minute he arrives but what does she expect will happen with you??? I would let her know that if he arrives and she disappears or meets him that she better rock his world and run off with him because your gone. Also I would have all you stuff in boxes and bags packs....live out of the bags until this is over. He arrives and your WW is not attached 24/7 at your hips then....POOF!!! You are gone and then she can try and guess which country you went to. Cell phone also gone.....turn yours back in and then use a pay as you go phone the final days so you just throw it away.

I just don't understand why you are remonstrating, talking about divorce and generally reacting to WW. This is not a plan A. She is supposed to feel fabulous about you, remember.

Yes, have all the SF that SHE will enjoy. This the whole point of plan A. She must miss you when you go plan B.

Threats, deadlines are NOT going to work out for an amazing plan A.
Plan B is about doing it quickly and moving on immediately. C'mon.

GH,

""Your WW will not give up her OM.""

Stephen Stills song:

"IF YOU CAN'T BE WITH THE ONE YOU LOVE...LOVE THE ONE YOU'RE WITH""

EGG ZACHERY WHAT SHE IS DOING.

Skating along free of all worries, knowing all the boys want her dearly!! Using her feminine wiles to keep you around. Portioning out bits of herself, awaiting the arrival of the OM.

Things will not change until YOU change them.

IMHO

kirk

Hi TheRoad,

Having just read Mywifeilove's thread, I can see several similarities between mine and his situation. I am now convinced that Plan B is going to be essential if I am ever to personally recover or if this marriage is ever to recover.

I have been doing a very good Plan A as evidenced by WW's willingness to spend hours with me and meet her emotional needs. However, since she herself has not made the decision to kick OM to the kerb, this M will never get anywhere else without him gone.


WW lived with this guy for 2½ months and left because I flew back to Australia and went completely dark on her (this was before I knew about Plan B). She shipped all of her things back and flew back after telling me she felt lost without me and that part of her was missing. She has been back for six months, found herself a job and reconnected with me (sex, RC, conversation, affection) but obviously not enough. Still no wearing of wedding rings and no ILY.

WW is very traumatized at the moment at the prospect of losing me and/or OM. I know it traumatizes her and things are fine between us as long as I'm a good boy and don't bring up "the topic".

Whilst she has been avoiding me these last few days I was able to speak to her last night and make her feel a little safer about talking to me. She says I "hound" her and she needs time to herself. She said that my presence is just a reminder of the enormity of the situation that she finds herself in. She knows what she has to do and admits it herself - she also admits that our situation is ridiculous.

I have made no few attempts to contact her whilst she's been in avoidance mode which has rattled her. Today we exchanged 15 chit-chatting emails after I didn't respond to her SMS about me hounding her.

Wayward to the core. She is behaving in the exact same ways when in full wayward mode - after months of it you can just sense it completely. The hand gestures, forced cheerfulness (to make everything seem normal and OK), voice tone, facial expressions - the lot. This is why she avoids me because she knows I can read her like a book.

Please give me your help and support as I go into Plan B. I need the courage to do it and to detach. Please let me know that it gets better with time. I know I might throw her into OM's arms and that scares me to death. WW also says the thought of me applying all of these lessons on a new wife, which I've learned at her expense also drives her nuts.

Please help a desparing Australian fellow here.

GH,

Really, no can help you but yourself. Here's the deal. You don't understand plan B. It is to preserve love. If contact with your W and all of the drama of OM being in the picture is draining your love for your W, you need to go to plan B.

Plan B is NOT about her missing you, about punishment, or retribution, it is about preserving love. The OM is then left to meet all of her needs and this often drains her love bank for OM. Sometimes it does not. She may miss you, she may not want you out of her life, but she wants none of those things enough to make a decision. She has to decide that OM is out of her life. Not you. While she makes that decision, you are losing love for her. Hence plan B.

Now plan b does a few other things as well. Perhaps you have read about "the fog" that WS are in and the withdrawal once the OP is out of the picture. Well, when/if you actually go to plan b you will go through withdrawal as well. You might have doneit when she was with OM. It will be painful, but it also allows you some very important changes. One you are then capable of really ending this marriage IF she does not get rid of OM. Two, it allows you to assess the situation far more clearly. Three, it prepares you to move on OR work on the marriage.

Now none of these things are the main part of plan B, preserving love is the main part, but other things will happen and withdrawal on your part is one of them. Plan B is not for wimps, but it can be powerful in many ways.

You cannot make her change what she doesn't want to change, and she does not want OM out of her life. You are making the mistake of allowing her good treatment (SF) to cloud the FACT that she desires OM in her life and he will be until SHE DECIDES differently.

You have shown her your growth. You have shown her your new maturity. You have shown her you love her. It seems you now need to hang on, and that often requires plan B.

Oh, and get a job, that is for you and your self-respect. If you have an offer, consider it, beccause jobs are going to become a bit harder to obtain as the world economy takes a dive.

Hope something I have said helps.

God Bless,

JL

Hi Just Learning,

Thank you so much for dropping by.


I did, once I came back to Australia and stopped reading or responding to her emails and SMS messages. Basicall I was so hurt by the fact that she kept visiting me then lying, deceiving and running back to OM that I said for her not to contact me until she was 100% or 0% sure she wanted the marriage.

After about 3 weeks I started to feel better and able to imagine a life without her in it until she called and told me she was coming back. I then had the most venomous, contemptuous, hateful WW on my hands that I have ever heard of - and got myself re-addicted to her!


Got that one sorted out. Started the job a few days ago. I can still go to Germany in January if I want to.

Again, thanks for dropping by JL.

GH31

GH,
You are more than welcome.

Best of luck,

JL

**EDIT**

Sorry for the threadjack here GH.

Kore, Who are you? What's YOUR story?

Why should anyone buy your opinion on the day you registered if they know nothing about you at all other than that you have an opinion? (That doesn't really line up with the basic concepts on this site)

Not saying you can't post. Just want to know what your deal is.

Mark

/tj

GH31,

Have you finalized your Plan B letter yet? I agree that the original was way too long and mushy. When is Plan B set to begin?

Hi guys,

A new development in my situation:

OM is already in Australia.

I am not going to write about how I know this for certain but I most certainly do. Suffice it to say that I know without any doubt that he arrived here on 11/04/2008 and will be leaving at 18:50 on 12/03/2008.

So that is where my W is. She has flown off to join him wherever he is and has lied to me and her entire family. I received an SMS from her to say she had decided to get away for the weekend to pamper herself. W said to me that OM arrives at the end of this month - something which I suspected and now know to be a complete falsehood.

I am still in a state of utter shock and disbelief. It hasn't really sunken in yet. I am sickened to the core and she is going to pay for this. I am going to get her emails and other irrefutable evidence and expose her to her entire family.

At the moment I couldn't give two f---s whether this marriage survives. I know I have done everything in my power to save it so far.

At the moment I have not responded to any of her SMSs and will not for now. I have nothing whatsoever to say to her - in fact I don't know how I am even going to be able to look at her tomorrow.

What a vile, adulterous, dishonest slagheap of a person I am married to. She is not deserving of the title of "wife".

I know, I should have gone to Plan B earlier but did not expect the depravity and depth of the deception that my WW has shown herself to be capable of.

How do I expose and to whom? I am installing some Spyware today and intend to get hold of her emails as irrefutable evidence of what she has been up to. Then I want to send them to her siblings, mother, father and uncle.

What should I write in an accompanying letter?

Please help!!!

Why? We warned you of a WW deception.


So send the revised plan B letter already.


We did. Your turn. Do.


Is the GPS tracker installed on her cell number?

If I go to Plan B now is it even worth bothering with exposure?

Good question.

Plan B is there to preserve any love for WW before lovebusting takes place.

Firstly: I would say that exposure should exacerbate her guilt. She will have earned the consequences of her willful actions.

Secondly: This exposure would demonstrate that you do care.

Going dark will prevent her from justifying her actions to you. Being unable to vent drives women crazy.

Methinks that she might chase you to Germany just to vent.