I totally disagree.

He talked to OMW on August 2nd when she accused his wife of having an affair with her husband. She accused, could not prove.

I have said several times (for nearly 2-months) that he needs to call her to confirm to her that they are indeed committing adultery. I would not be at all surprised that OM has convinced her it never really happened or that it is over, that they were/are “just friends” blah blabbity blah. That's what they do. We all know that.

Who cares if she talks to OM? He needs to pressure the adultery at the source.

The reason he has not called the OMW is not out of cold calculation regarding the situation but fear. That's always the reason.

This has been going on for 3-1/2 months and little to nothing has been done to kill the adultery. This marriage is on the slow death march to the gallows.

Of course he "sees" no impact of his Plan A. A betrayed spouse NEVER sees an impact while the adultery continues. We have said this over and over and over.


Does she still go to the horse park alone every weekend to meet him?

True Dat!

As long as the adultery is ongoing, it will only look needy and clingy to her and will most likley just piss her off.

Chrisner,

Confirm what???....what new information would the OMW now know??? I bet she knows no more today than she did on Aug.2 and IDWAD doesn't have any new "evidence" either, so what would them talking to each other do???

I just don't see how talking to his wife puts "pressure" on the affair, not without new evidence.

And if his wife is like most BW's, she would tell him about the call either in a LB fest or if IDWAD tells her of any of the spying things we have told him to do, he runs the risk of her telling POSOM.

It's not like he's going to tell her anything she doesn't already know.....

not2fun

Both cowards and heroes are afraid. Cowards do nothing. Heroes do what needs to be done.

Courage is being afraid and yet doing what you need to do, what you WOULD do if you were NOT afraid.

IDWAD, What would YOU do if you were not afraid?

Your problem right now is that you are trying to avoid conflict which is not the same as resolving conflict. In order to resolve it, you must confront it and do something about it. You wish to avoid making her mad. She isn't leaving you because she is mad but because she has fallen in love with another man.

The resolution you fear is losing your wife. If you do not work at resolving the conflict but seek to avoid it, that is what will happen.

Stop fighting her and start fighting the affair. She is not your enemy and OM is not your enemy. The affair itself is your enemy.

Fight the affair.

Fight the battle on your terms.

Fight with courage...

Mark

Chrisner,

This is the carrot part of Plan A. He is supposed to meeting her EN'S, even if she won't notice or care. He seems to be doing this part quite nicely. It seems the men who come here forget this part and got straight for the stick. He is supposed to be doing BOTH.

IDWAD,

Like I said above, you seem to be doing the carrot part well. Its the stick part you need to start acting on. You will regret it if you don't. You will end up feeling like a schmuck if you don't.

YOu need to snoop to find out what is going on with your marriage.

I repeat this over and over and over again, because it is true. I did NOT like this part of the plans, but they are necessary. Everyone here kept on my butt about doing it. I would even "try" to throw them off. Ignore their pleas. Pretend I was doing more than I was. They weren't fooled by me and they won't be by you.

One day very soon, you will come here worried and stressed and it will be because you don't know what you are dealing with. And we will all tell you the same thing. YOu gotta snoop. And to be honest, once you do find out EXACTLY what you are dealing with, you will feel a sense of relief. You'll feel a lot of other things as well, but the TRUTH will finally be out there.....

Yes, people here get frusterated with you. They did with me too, but only because we all have been there and done that......and we care.....

not2fun

ps....hey Mark, how's the vaca going???????....

This is good. I'm gonna hang it on my refrigerator.

[tj]



It's definitely over...

[/tj]

Not, find the former wayward wives on this site and they will be pretty uniform in their response that these notes and cards pissed them off. And under the circumstances they do look needy and clingy. I actually do understand the carrot and the stick, I did an outstanding Plan A, but needy and clingy drive WW's away. Guess what I tried ONCE during my Plan A? Guess how it was received? Can you say LOVEBUSTER? I pass along what I know through my experience not macho knee jerk, Silverback chest thumping “stick” only suggestions.


Does the OM’s Betrayed Wife know this?

Does the OM’s Betrayed Wife know this?

Does the OM’s Betrayed Wife know this?


Does the OM’s Betrayed Wife know this? It sounds like an admission.

Does the OM’s Betrayed Wife know this?

Does the OM’s Betrayed Wife know this?

Does the OM’s Betrayed Wife know this?


Does the OM’s Betrayed Wife know this?



And of course on 9/30 you yourself said this:

What has changed in this situation in the past 3-weeks Not?

Obviously I was not clear. I think the other mans betrayed wife thinks she is in some form of recovery. We know she is not. He has just taken the adultery deeper. She needs to know what IDWAD knows. I think he has enough.

OM has lied to her. OM has gaslighted her. She may even think she was crazy to ever suspect him of anything inappropriate.


Wanna bet?

Chris, I agree with your assessment of what OM's wife stands to learn. I also know that she is IDWAD's best ally in this because she can press for NC from HER end.

IDWAD, call OM's wife!

Not, I agree with you on snooping. You have to know what you are up against. You have to know the enemy's battle plan. You have to find avenues of contact and bring them to an end. Shut off every method of contact as you find them. Make it hard to carry on the affair. Make the fantasy not worth the hassle and the effort.

Meeting ENs...

Yep, gotta do that as well.

Sending cards and stuff every day????

I don't think it will matter one way or the other.

You do have to show strength, IDWAD. Show her by your actions that you are fighting for your marriage, that you are not fighting her but the affair. SHOW her that you love her that much...

Telling her, reminding her, trying to make her see it will be futile...You WILL be assimilated...

Don't tell her, IDWAD. SHOW her...

What you give her, tell her or explain to her will not win her back...

What you DO might...

And what you don't do will certainly show her how little you really care.

Mark


PS Rock, I was hoping you'd see that post...

Edited to add: IDWAD, you also need to talk to MIL. Let her know respectfully that you love her daughter and are fighting for your marriage. Also be sure she understands that her daughter is having an affair and THAT is why you two are having trouble. Do NOT count on WW telling her mother what is really going on. Remember all those things she told you to gaslight you? "We're just friends....I never get to have my own life...I need privacy..." All that stuff?

Guess what...

That's what she is telling her mother...

PLUS she is telling her mother you are trying to control her, that you are being unreasonable and that you are acting crazy and she is afraid of you and what you will do.

I would bet money that she has also found a hint of something from her childhood that allows her to play into her mother's fears, something that makes her mother fear that her daughter is repeating her mistakes.

YOU get to tell her the TRUTH...

DO IT!

Don't mean to tj, but point well taken. Hoping the best for you IDWAD.

Chrisner,

I am not actually disagreeing with your advice. I think he SHOULD call the OM's wife AFTER he gathers more evidence. He has no more now than when she called him. If I was the wife and he called me to tell me how she got a new cell phone and separated the bills, I wouldn't really care. I would want something MORE concrete. That's all.

I know the OM is painting IDWAD in a bad light, a "crazed" betrayed husband if you will, but can you imagine the fuel IDWAD would give him when all he has is a separate phone account and email address????...to me, he needs to gather his intel and then use it effectively. He has not gathered any more evidence than what OM's wife has given him....mostly what he has is "suspicions", which we all know WS like to use to their advantage......

As far as the card and letters, of course it will piss her off. Heck, my affections and letters and apologies pissed my WS off too. But once I got a crack going, it was hard to stop. He did notice and in the moments the fog lifted, he saw there was maybe some hope for us after all.

Now, a card everyday is overboard. Yes, it says "clingy and needy", but the gesture done on occasion could very well one day be appreciated. I may see it differently being a woman, but if plan A is about changing yourself and meeting your spouse's EN'S and affection is up there for ALL women, then a card isn't going to be the end of his marriage.

Also, If I remember correctly, in SAA, DR. H recommends writing letters, and I've seen other BH's around here get that same advice from Steve and Jennifer......

Now, as far as a changing of mind, I guess its not so much that I have. I just want him to be leary of how much he tells her and what his future plans are. She could be a great asset, but she could also be a deterrant, if she were to betray any useful information.....

not2fun

IDWAD,

Whazup?

Going...

Going...

Zup, Dude?

hmmmmmmm...two theories....

Either

1). He is not following SAA and our advice and thinks we are looney and his way is better......

or

2). He is not following SAA and our advice and doesn't want to come on here and tell us, because he knows what we will say.....

ohohohoh......OR......

He is REALLY in Plan C.......

IDWAD,

YOur chances of recovering your marriage are greater when you have support. This is what MB is. Only can those of us who HAVE walked in your shoes can really feel your pain. If you hadn't touched us or if we didn't care, we would not continue to ask........Hope and praying for you and your family...

not2fun

still here...have been ill with cold...still practicing En's but have had several set backs. a couple of major fights but then apologies...have both made the decision to get through the holidays for our children and we are talking and things have improved she even acknowledged she's seen a change in me...we are seeking marriage counseling in january as right now things are peaceful and we are both concerned that starting now could upset the cart in regards to the happiness our entire family is sharing right now. we have a lot of family events coming up two birthdays, thanksgiving and christmas.
i'm still very confused but am still working plan A. but i have to be honest and say that if she is truly not in love with me any more i don't want to be in a loveless marriage. this week i booked a get away trip for she and i and she didn't want any part of it saying we couldn't afford it which is true to a degree but my comment back was we couldn't afford not to spend money on working to save our family and marriage. she has also told me "the change" has begun and i've been reading a ton about menopause and she has all of the signs. and is still struggling with her identity/midlife crisis. her father is famous in his field of work and she commented recently as she was crying her eyes out that "by the time her dad was her age he was a living legend" and that she has never done anything! I told her You have done something in your life you have been a wonderful wife to me number one and your been a wonderful mother...…what more is their to life. Fame is fleeting and meaningless in the big picture. we are both confused...

*******************edit************

Kore, No offense, but I wouldn't accept this offer if I got paid for it...

Registered today, 6 posts as of when I'm reading this and an unknown program to install on my PC?...

'Fraid not...

Mark

Agree with Mark. Do NOT exchange emails with Kore. This is just another username of a troll who has been known to stalk folks from these boards. Beware!

agree as well......

IDWAD,

I have thought long and hard about what I want to say.

First off.....did you install the keylogger program??? Do you have access to her phone records yet??? Is she still going out to the horse training weekends???? Has she given you FULL access to everything, including her emails, phones, laptop, and any other records you need to feel safe that this affair is over????

If the answer to any of these questions is a NO, then the LB'S WILL continue. You are not superman, you are only human. What you are doing now is "pretending" this went away and not affect you or your children. Essentially you are sticking you head in the sand. I get it...I was the same way. But do note, you will eventually LB away any chance you have at recovery.

Why, you ask"????

Because you will wonder.....

wonder if she really IS shopping for the kids Christmas....
wonder if she really IS talking to her mother on the phone....
wonder if she really IS just having dinner with her girlfriend...
wonder if she really IS just with her mom when she is out....
wonder if she really DID run into traffic and that is why she is late....


See where I am going with this????.....I would rather see you not put yourself in this position. And basically she has put you in a place where you don't want to "upset" the cart.....who here is control of this situation??? Who is control of the marriage?? Who is in the driver's seat on ride of life??? Is it you??? Do you feel like it is you????

A loveless marriage???

Well of course it is loveless....she is having an affair...she just lovebusted on you BIG TIME....she decimated your ability to trust.......

But the GOOD NEWS is there is a way to find love in your marriage again. DR. Harley teaches us how....BUT you can learn everything, meet everyone of her EN'S perfectly, not Lovebust on her once and NONE of that will matter if she is still in her affair.

But you can't prove that she is or isn't and she REFUSES to allow you access to anything......so you must do the work...otherwise, you will be very drained and resentful come Jan. or whenever she decides to join you and then you WON'T care about her or trying to save the marriage....or worse....you will wind up in a LOVELESS marriage that you end up hating....

Think hard IDWAD.....I leave you with this...

"All that is needed for evil to triumph is for GOOD men to do nothing"......

not2fun