I found out three weeks ago. She texted him while I was borrowing his cell. Even though the message was innocent, I knew something was up.

It took ten excuriciating hours for him to finally confess.

My husband is 46 years old. For three weeks he had a relationship with a girl at his office. First week, they kissed in her car after work. (She apparently got a new SUV and they went for a drive and stopped at a nearby park). The next week the met again and had sex in the back of the SUV. Then about 4 or 5 days later, same park, same sex in the back of the car.

During his confession, he blamed me, and told me I wasn't there for him - emotionally, sexually and didn't give him enough affection.

He says he doesn't love her, it was just the sex.

They texted and emailed explicit things to each other. He spent time on the weekends and in the evenings texting her when he should have been spending time with hid family. He said she flirted with him by going to his office and talking about what color underwear she was wearing.

She is 15 years younger than he, and has been married a year and a half. They have known each other for ten years, but their relationship only became inappropriate over the past few months. They were sharing intimate details of their marriages with each other.

He says the affair is over. He says he can't tell me why it happened.

I am a Christian and know that I should forgive, since Christ can forgive him. But it is too hard. I am in utter despair. We were married for ten years and we had a great life. I loved him and was a very good, supporting, and faithful wife.

We have three small kids - 8, 6, and 4.

I have been to 5 different counselors and we have finally settled on one and have had three sessions.

He wants to get back together desperately but he won't quit his job. I can't get through another week of him going into this office everyday, and me wondering if he is telling me the truth.

My big question is-- how do I get over it?

Please give me some answers if you have been there.

I am in such despair.

Welcome to the place no one wants to be. But I'm glad you have found us. To answer your question, it will take you around 2 years to start feeling normal again. Betrayal is an awful thing.

Sounds like the OW isn't very classy - sex in her SUV. YUCK.

The MB plan is for you to expose the affair to the OW's husband. Don't tell your hubby that you are going to do it, just do it. Your husband will be furious, but he will get over it.

Also they can NEVER work together again, so one of them needs to get another job.

If your counselor thinks it is okay for them to work together, you need to quit the counseling. I suggest you get a plan from the Harleys - the phone counseling is expensive, but they can do in one session what other counselors take months to do.

Hubby's excuse that you weren't there for him, weren't affectionate, blah, blah, blah, is just that - AN EXCUSE.
You can work on changing the things that got your marriage to this point, but it was his decision to cheat.

Thank you for your response.

I did call the husband the day after I found out. She told them they were having an emotional affair. I told him time/dates etc. They also went into the office the next working day and both claimed to have told their bosses. There was no resigning and no disciplinary action.

I called her father and left a voicemail about the situation. I sent emails and letters to the top management at the company and to her mother.

Needless to say, I think they think I am "overreacting". Who is crazy?

I like our counselor except about the job situation. She keeps telling me I can't give him ultimatums and that I need to concentrate on my own healing. But I CAN'T HEAL until he leaves that work environment.

Should I stick to my guns and not work on any reconciliation until he resigns?

If she resigns first, should I let him stay?

You are doing all the right things. They CAN'T work together ever again.

I suggest you keep reading here until you get more confidence. This stuff is devastating at first.

Your counselor is wrong. Look at the MB plan, which has saved thousands of marriages.

Don't give him ultimatums. Work on a good Plan A, which is showing him that you are the more attractive alternative.

This is going to take lots of time to turn around. Your marriage didn't get this way overnight, and it won't get fixed overnight.

And you DO need to work on your own recovery. But that will come in time. Stick with us, and we will help you get through this.

believer - thank you. Meeting with the counselor tomorrow. Will post outcome.

This indicates to me that your C does not understand the damaging effects of adultery for her to say this. Can a rape victim "concentrate on her own healing" while she is being raped? How exactly would one do that? Is that even possible to do?

I don't think so.

th, Dr Harley is a CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST with 35 years experience saving marriages from the damage of affairs and he will tell you recovery is impossible until all contact ends. RECOVERY IS IMPOSSIBLE UNTIL ALL CONTACT ENDS. That is because an affair is an addiction just like alcoholism. An alcoholic cannot sober up and recover if he continues drinking and just changes the name of his drinks to "business drinks." I am sorry, but reality does not work that way.

You cannot give your H an ultimatum but you CAN enforce your own boundaries. If your H won't leave the job and end contact, you would want to take a strong look at Plan B, which is TOTAL SEPARATION until he does leave the job. Dr. Harley advocates about THREE to FOUR WEEKS of this continued contact and then separating lest you begin to suffer severe emotional symptoms.

You are already seeing signs of this and wisely understand this is not a way you can possibly live. YOU ARE EXACTLY RIGHT.

I would give your C these articles from DR HARLEY and strongly consider separation from your H if he won't end contact. You can't DEMAND ANYTHING, but you CAN and SHOULD enforce your boundaries.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through he11. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Requirements for Recovery from an Affair

Dr. Harley on why it is important to go into Plan B, separation, if a WS will not end contact with his affair partner:


On how long a spouse should stay in Plan A before going into Plan B:

.he claims he has had no contact but refuses to quit his job. Do I go to plan b?

I don't understand, doesn't he work at the same place? If he sees her at work every day, then he is triggered every day. That is like sending an alcoholic into the bar every day and expecting them to stare at the beer all day. The alcoholic thinks of nothing but that drink as he stares at it. It never leaves his mind as he fights the temptation. Eventually, the weak moment will collide with opportunity and the affair will be back into full swing.

Every time he leaves to go to work with the OW will put you into a rightful state of anxiety, slowly driving you crazy.

My suggestion would be to tell your H that recovery is impossible if he continues to work with the OW. You are willing to stay in the marriage if he leaves the job and does what it takes to recover your marriage.

Becuase let me tell you what you are facing if he doesnt leave, th. You are facing a death of a thousand cuts where the affair will be on again, off again for YEARS, slowly driving you crazy. Your H will never withdraw, and as such, will live in a PERPETUAL wayward state of mind. Your marriage is doomed this way.

You have nothing to lose by enforcing a boundary of complete and total no contact, th. And no contact means not working together.

This is written by a board member who continued to work with her affair partner:

No contact, lifechoice http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659249&fpart=3

Every time I read where a WS is still working with the AP I cringe because I know exactly where things are headed. I know I said this before, but I only worked 6 days a month and after I ended the A, of the 6, we maybe worked together 1 or 2. When I ended the A it brought relief and neither FOM nor I wanted the A any longer, but regardless I was hooked. Just seeing his car in the parking lot, his name on an work email, or anything related to him kept me hooked.

I never knew ahead of time if I was going to be working with him. If I pulled into the parking lot and saw his car I would feel happy and sad at the same time and if his car was not there I would feel relief and sad at the same time.

My therapist told me to journal and after I confessed the stuff in there just makes me shake my head. Now when I read the stuff I did, said, etc it makes me sick to my stomach. I honestly believed I was on my best behavior because we were not crossing any inappropriate lines or so we thought. Now I can "see" exactly what happened and how it fed my addiction to the A. All those "professional" conversations that had bits and pieces of non-professional idle chit chat, facial expressions, body language, the unnecessary walk-by's, the acknowleging everyone but him days, etc where so harmful. And then my poor H would get to hear all about it because I was being open and honest. I have no idea why he didn't leave me because of what I put him through.

In a sec I will add a snippet from my journal and a prime example of why FAP's cannot stay working together. I hadn't seen my FOM in who knows how long. Docp had recently asked for all the details of the A and I was a complete nervous wreck. When I got to work, FOM was there, I was having a really bad day and to top it off was exposed to TB by a patient. The TB deal was the straw that broke the camels back. I had a meltdown in my FOM's office and almost passed out. I asked him if I could sit for a second and that second of sitting lead to a conversation we never should have had.

We talked about Docp's and his W's reaction, how we all were coping, how stupid and weak we were etc, etc. Even sitting here now I remember the feeling I had and KNEW we should not have been having that conversation, but it was making me feel better when I felt like crap. What I didn't realize was I had just had a big dose fed to my addiction and the whole cycle started again.

Here is the snippet from my journal: (I changed names of course)

"It felt good to talk to him and clear a lot of this up. He even mentioned it was nice that we were able to talk and I feel like he meant it, not in an appropriate way, just a friendly way. (Ah, this from the person who has been avoiding talking to me forever) I felt like I was talking to my 'old friend" the way it was for years before we messed everything up. I told Docp about the whole conversation. He was ok with this conversation, but said he wouldn't be really happy if we started talking all the time. duh!!!!!! I just said I understand and didn't plan on talking to him about anything that wasn't work related."

OK, in all reality Docp was NOT OK with the conversation and told me he didn't care if I was going to faint or not I needed to crawl out of his office, not sit and chat with him. But in my happy place I honestly believed because I told Docp about the conversation it really was OK. I was completely delusional and thought because it made me feel so good, it HAD to be OK.

I had all this going on and I rarely saw my FOM, can you just imagine what is going on when people are seeing each other every day?

Anyway back to NC, I'm not sure if I simply missed it before, but it seems lately we have more who are willing to allow the WS to continue working with the AP and have a zillion and one excuses on why it's OK. I'm never surprised when they find out the A is still ongoing though because I could tell them the details of what is going on during the work day when the WS honestly feels they are on their best behavior.

Thanks Melody. I have given it four weeks and I am going in to see WH and C right now and I am going to implement Plan B.

He says he never sees her at work and hasn't spoken to her since D-Day but after reading your post, I agree, that just isn't possible. I ask him if he sees her car in the parking lot and he says he doesn't look. Whatever!!!!

Ok. Wish me luch. And thank you so much for replying to my post. I needed a sounding board and you provided the strength I needed.

I'll post an update after my session.

******************edit**************

I sent letters and emails to the entire management team (legal counsel, prez, vps, hr, etc) at the company. I copied her, and her husband on the letter. I spoke to her husband on the phone the day after d-day and he refused to believe me. I gave him specifics and it sounded like by the end of our conversation he had serious doubts about his wife's fidelity.

Her father did call me back but spoke to my husband.

I went to the C today with WH and announced my intentions to move into plan b. I told them both that I do not agree with the C's response on not focusing on the resignation. I told them I wouldn't take him back until he finds another position. I told them he had two months. I am not going back to the counselor either.

You are doing just fine. Usually you don't announce Plan B. You write a letter. We can help you with that.

I'm glad you are not going back to the counselor. It is a waste of money. If you can scrape some money together, talk to the Harley's. Expensive, but they can cut to the chase in one appointment.

So are you feeling optimistic about your marriage?

I love my husband. And I am pretty certain he loves me. We had a good marriage.

I just know that I am not going to be "good" until I get past this. I won't be good to him, or anyone else. I feel very good about taking a stand and asking for what I want. His office is over an hour away from our house and before this all happened he was gone about 13 hours a day. Even if he stayed at the job, our marriage reconcilation would be a struggle because of the quantity of time we could spend together.

Right now, I think we have a 50-50 chance. I think the next two months will be difficult but I have a calm feeling about my decision.

My only problem is that I know I will miss him, and want to see him. I can't decide if I should "date" him during this time. I would only do that if I saw some real progress to a job move.

Also, when you say you don't usually "announce" plan b.... the two of them are not familiar with the book or Dr. Harley's strategy. I just told them at the end of the session that I wanted them both to understand that I saw no chance of reconcilation until he found new employment. And that he had two months. In January if there was no progress, then I would consider filing for divorce.

Sorry if my posts don't "flow" I keep getting interrupted by my children.

Thanks again for reading, and replying. This is the best day I have had in four weeks!

please get Surviving an Affair ASAP at the book store and read it so you know what you are doing, th. I had no idea you were going to announce this to your H.

PLan B means complete and total no contact, initiated by a letter announcing your intention to end ALL contact with him until he ends all contact with the OW. It is a love letter that expresses your regret at your contribution to the problems in the marriage and how very sad and devastated you are about the affair. Your H should never hear the term Plan B. it is a plan FOR YOU.

Most importantly, it gives him a PATH BACK, which in your case will be to end all contact with the OW. Either she leaves the job or he does.

During this time, it will be CRITICAL to never let him contact you, because if he does, he will become a CAKEEATER [with you on the sidelines and his OW on the playing field] and it will keep you embroiled in his ABUSE.

In the next few days before you deliver this letter [we will help you write it] I would do your VERY BEST to be pleasant, sweet and loving so that is the last thing on his mind before you go dark.

I would not bring up 2 months again, as I think that was a huge mistake. The condition should be that he cannot contact you in any way unless and until he ends all contact with OW.

But first, get your finances in order and designate an intermediary. Set up a visitation schedule for the kids so he can come pick them up for visits. He should not come in the house after Plan B starts - he should call the kids and have them come out to the car. If you have to, change the locks so he does not come in.

This should emulate DIVORCE. He needs to see what it will be like DIVORCED from you.

Plan B letter from the book Surviving an Affair:

My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

With my love,
Jon

truth, did your H REFUSE to leave his job? Is that why you have decided so suddenly to go into Plan B?

I think we need to SLOW DOWN here and get a clear understanding of where this stands. If he flat out REFUSED to leave his job, then I can understand going into Plan B, but if has AGREED to do it, then there is no call.

i do agree that your C is worthless. She understands nothing about adultery.

Melody- okay. I have the book and am about half way through - pg 133. Hope to finish it tonight.

Stupid question of the day - Can I do a modified plan b?

Here's why:
*he claims he has had no contact with OW since dday
*i love him and i want the relationship to work
*if he shows some signs of a real intent of trying to find other employment

can we "date" or something? I feel like if I don't give him some hope he might give up.

I know I sound like a noob and I am one. But i just don't want to make the wrong move when every thing is on the line.

I will look at the plan b letter template and post for your review.

Thanks again.