I felt like it was time to start a new post. A week ago my husband called me downstairs to tell me that he was ready to end his affair. He said that he couldn’t do it any more. He felt like he was having a nervous breakdown.

He was crying and was very panicked. I asked him if he knew what that meant and he said that he knew he would have to break it off completely with her but, he didn’t know how.

I read him the chapter in SAA on how to end an affair. We sent the no contact e-mail, blocked his phone, canceled and changed all of the e-mail accounts, and threw out everything that she had given him.

At first he seemed very relived. Then the next day the withdraw started. I had read SAA twice so I thought I was prepared for it but, I guess you never really are. I read him about withdraw; he said he wasn’t ready to read the whole book for himself.

Each day this week he has been making little gestures to show that he is trying doing the dishes, vacuuming. He even sent me a picture that he was wearing his wedding ring again. He has told me when he is thinking about her so that we can talk about it and we are finally sleeping together again.

I knew that things were going to well and the crash came today. Every other day this week he has had to go to work at night and this forced him to get out of the house and to be active.

Today was his first day off. We were supposed to go to a football game but when he woke up he said that he was to tired. Later when we got up from a nap we were going to go to the store. He said he was depressed and couldn’t stop thinking about her.

He says that he doesn’t like the way he broke it off with her. He says that he should have explained more. He doesn’t understand why he feels more depressed now than when he first broke it off.

I got upset and told him that we should just go do things to get out of the house even if he doesn’t feel like it.

If he spends all of his days off lying in bed, he’ll just get more depressed and think about her more.

How can I help him handle the withdraw more. Is there anything that I can do?

We know that we can’t really work on our marriage while he is in this stage.

In some ways I feel more vulnerable now than I did before he ended it.

My other thread is called “Internet affair, he is going to meet her”

I think you've given him too much support already.

So he decided in a panicked frenzy that he had to end it? But he didnt know how? And you had to read him the chapter from here about ending affairs?

Because it would have been too hard for him to jump on the internet himself and type "How to end an affair" into Google?

I really don't think he knows what he wants. I think your helping him in this way is just making it harder on you to deal with the reality that he is not yet at the place that he tried to make you think he was at.

I would just get on with your life. He's a big boy and when he wants to get out of the mess he's in - he will.

Pumkin,
I am sorry to hear that you are going throught this. I am no expert here but I feel it is very helpful to share when you are in a similar situation.
My WH has been having an affair since end of June, I discover it beginning of August and tried to put a stop to it. I dont know how many times I have heard "Its over with her and I am ready to make it work with us" Unfortunatley my WH is not strong enough to get through more than 5 days without the OW. He gives in every time. I know he is not ready do deal with this the right way. You really need to wait and reserve your energy for when he is ready. It is he** trying to get there. But recovery can not start until after the withdraw is over and I had to realize the fact the hard way that they do relapse and then the withdraw has to start all over again.
Hang in there and keep your head up. Stay on MB, the people on here and especially the veterans really have alot of good advice (sometimes you may not want to hear it) but what they say is for real. I wish you the best of luck.

This "advice" is unhelpful, and not in keeping with MB principles. You came here just a few days ago,(under this username at least) yourself involved in an affair (in fact, unless you've written a NC letter and stuck with it, you STILL are) so I don't think you should be dishing out your foggy opinions to others who are struggling. It is insulting to say the least.

Pumkin, hang in there. You can get help from many of the vets here. LaFire is not one of them.

PUMKIN, it is very hard to meet the needs of a WS when he is withdrawing, so don't despair. This is not discouraging at all. Read this here and show it to your husband.

LaFire, please familiarize yourself with MB concepts before you give "advice" to others.

PUMKIN (I love that name...I call my kids that.. )

You are in a VERY GOOD PLACE. I know it doesn't seem like it BUT you are. This is all very much textbook WD. I don't know much about your sitch so bear with me.....

He is going through all the classic signs. It will be very hard on YOU.

When he talks of "not liking how he ended things"....that is fogbabble. When they finally decide to end the affair, the fogcrap doesn't end immidiately. DO NOT RESPOND TO IT....change the subject. You can say "yes this is hard, would you like to take a walk???" or "wow...did you see that giant bird???" or "Do you really think Obama will really bring about change??"....CHANGE THE SUBJECT.......help him get his mind off of her but without letting him know that is what you are trying to do.

If things get REALLY bad, and he won't get out of bed, make him a DR.'s appointment. Tell him you did, that he should go talk to his dr. about how he is feeling and that he should get a professional opinion about it. Now you don't want to FORCE him to go, because in all reality, you can't MAKE him do anything. Just tell him you are concerned for him, and you love him, and would like to see him happy and so you made him an appointment.....know what I mean???

Whatever you do....DO NOT TALK RELATIONSHIP/AFFAIR/MARRIAGE or anything to HEAVY....you DO need to do as much RC stuff as possible. If he does have a day he doesn't want to get out, go along with him. Do not argue with him, do not force, or anything else to make him get out of the house. Do things around the house that will help distract him. Go outside and do some yard work, ask him if he would like to join you. If he doesn't, don't get mad. Your job is to help him, not be him mom. BUT you can do or suggest things to help him. Redecorate a room. Repaint it. Get him to help you paint and pick out things.

One of the best things you can do is go to the movies. If he won't go to the movies, rent some. This is something you can do together, but not feel pressured to keep up conversation. PLUS it will give you all some ammunition for something to talk about later.....


BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY.....keep your LB'S at bay. When you get mad/frusterated/upset/depressed yourself with his self-induced pity party, come here for support. The last thing you want to do is take your frusterations out on him.

And keep this in mind....you will get tired and mad at times because you are doing EVERYTHING in your power to meet his EN'S and while he may not notice it now, one day very soon once he gets through WD, he WILL remember this and LOVE you all the more for it.....

not2fun

I am not involved in an affair - ****EDIT**** - and you need to stop following me around this board like an ****EDIT****.

****EDIT****

And I think you'll find that my advice for her to get on with her own life until her husband is really prepared to face up to reality is definitely in accordance with established principles on what "betrayed spouses" are supposed to do when their husbands are in the "fog".

I find your comments, directed at me, ****EDIT**** Also, plain rude. I will be ignoring any comment I see under your username from now on. That means I will not be reading it - but you feel free to expend your time and energy on typing it out anyway.

LaFire:

I am a moderator here. Please email me. My email is below.

Thank you.

well, in fact, based on your own words, you are involvedin an affair. You just choose to not see the truth.

An emotional affair with a MARRIED MAN, to be specific.

exactly

Yep, I was going by the story that was told us.

Oh well, back to the OP. Pumkin, I am praying for you and your husband. I know it is hellish for you to watch him pine for OW, but it's far better than seeing him giddy from an illicit fix. Hang in there! If he will maintain NC, he WILL get over her.

I appreciate all of the support that you all give my husband and myself. I understand that to some the decision to stay with a good man that has done a bad thing may seem stupid. We have overall had a good week. Based on what I have read on the posts and in the books the panic attacks are normal.

I am sorry that Lafire was unable to understand that a main component of my plan A was to assure him that I would be there for him when he was ready to choose our marriage over all else. He has told me numerous times in the last week that it is my support that is giving him the strength to fight through all of this.

It seems that some people do not understand that the ability to forgive is a gift not only to the one who is forgiven, but also to the one who forgives.

My husband and I are detirmined to fight through all of this together.

This site will definatly help with that.

We thank you for all of your prayers we will need them all.

How sickening to see the real face of a cheater.