the right thing to do or because of guilt? Even though WS is trying to do everything to make you believe him, do you think he still has feelings for OW?

At first, yes.

But tonight, 3 months down the recovery path Flick said out of the blue "Dont run away from problems, its not as much fun as it sounds and they are still there"

Just wait.

I do wonder the same thing even still, 1 1/2 years into recovery. However, I think I wonder it still because I actually feel that way. I mean I know that a part of me decided to recover my marriage because it is the right thing to do for our daughter. Also, I know my H is too selfish to spend the time and energy into recovering our marriage unless it is what he wants. So that helps those thoughts go away.

I think my FWH husband came back and has worked to recover the M because he loves me and whole heartedly regrets his vile behavior. Nothing about his A was "loving"...nothing. Maybe our story is the exception but I know how destroyed FWH was seeing the fallout of his actions and what he lost.

FWH doesn't have any feelings for OW. However, if I HAD to pick a feeling because "zero" was an option, it would have to be pity.

I think my FWH came back home because i made him leave and once the FOW had him she did not want him. Kind of like "well you can't LIVE here" and he had no where else to go but back home. It was the chase she was wanting.

I think why they come back and why they stay are very different things. It isn't a question to get hung up on IMHO.

Before anyone wastes a lot of valuable emotional energy trying to help this poster, who they may assume is a poor BS, be aware that I did a search on the username. Dreamy1945 is a wayward who posts at several places. She is ticked off because her adultery partner has decided to reconcile with his wife, and trying to figure out if she might still have a chance with him.

Well Glory Be!

LMAO well then the emotion of pity fits the bill here. OW in my case was a bitter [censored] too.

Then let me be sure to say that AJ feels like throwing up when he thinks of his XOW. His exact words.

He doesn't regret dumping her sorry self, not for a minute. He came home because he wanted me, heart, body, and soul.

The few occasions he brings her to mind fill him with revulsion and disgust. The many times every hour he thinks of me fill him with love, thankfulness to God, and a healthy share of naughty thoughts.

I could go on...

In all seriousness, dreamy, the best advice I could give you really isn't mine.

"Go, and sin no more."

Any other option will only bring destruction. It will eventually catch up to you whether you think you've escaped or not.

Is it really necessary to say hurtful things because you think you know what you are talking about. Yes, I have posted under different topics not sure where to post since I'm relatively new here.

No I am not ticked off because MM went back to wife...just extremely heartbroken since I was promised so much from him. I know what I have done is wrong and no longer involved but can you guys be supportive instead of judgemental?

Dreamy, with all due respect your "heartbreak" was earned in the commission of your crime so you won't get much sympathy here. It was earned being cruel and indecent to others. You don't deserve sympathy for what you did.

Your VICTIMS, the OM's wife and his innocent children are the ones who deserve sympathy. Now, if you want "support" for doing the right thing and repenting of the horrible thing you did to the OMW and his children, you will likely get it. But it is doubtful you will get much sympathy for hurting others.

I'm not going to be judgmental.

I'm not sure what your story is but you know - I just think the important thing is that you waste as little of your life as possible wondering why you weren't good enough for him to stay, or whether he meant any of the things he promised you, or whether he will ever come back again.

I think pondering on those questions can only lead to your wasting even more moments of your precious life on a man who is not very emotionally stable at the moment (to say the least).

I don't know how long you spent with him but time really does heal all wounds. I honestly do feel though, that if you want some happiness in your life again - staying well away from MM is the way to go.

I can make it very simple.

He didn't want you because you weren't his WIFE.

Married people have a bond going far deeper than an affair. I think understanding that will go a long way toward helping you understand the dynamics of an affair.

I also do not consider it a waste of time to learn more about the choices you made, choices that were, to that BW, likely worse than if she had been raped.

Sure, the WH had plenty to do with it too, but he's not here. We're only discussing your part in that.

You won't be able to repent until you grasp what it was that you did. I don't consider that a waste of time at all.

I would like nothing better than to see you get it, really get it, feel true remorse, and go on to live a joyous, successful life that doesn't include any husbands but your own.

Dreamy, I hope some day you do gain the ability to be judgmental which will keep you from making such destructive, tragic bad decisions. I would suggest that it was a LACK of judgement that got you where you are today. Hopefully you can learn from your mistake.

Every woman deserves better than to be a cockroach scampering for crumbs from the table of someone else's life. You only got some crumbs from the table of some other woman, his wife. I hope you use better judgement in the future and learn to never settle for the crumbs from some other womans table.

Sorry to thread-jack here, but comparing to rape I believe is uncalled for and very inappropriate. Unless you've been raped and also been a BS. (Lord knows I truly hope that is not the case.) Rape is a horrible, violent, and vile experience. Affairs are hideous as well. But they are violations with two very different agendas and two very different forms of recovery -- if recovery is even possible.

I'm new here and may be out of line for having typed this. But I had to comment. My apologies again for the TJ.

Looking4, just so you know, DR HARLEY, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, says that adultery is as traumatic as RAPE or the death of a child. He bases this on 35 years of clinical experience and I believe he does know what he is talking about. Adultery is considered WORSE THAN RAPE, by some, because it is committed by a loved one. One does not have to have been murdered or raped to know how bad it is.

So no, it is certainly not inappropriate to make the comparison. People need to understand how very traumatic adultery is. People commit suicide, have nervous breakdowns and suffer years of post traumatic stress disorder from the ABUSE of adultery. It is important to understand how devastating it is.

If you would like to see Dr. Harley discuss it, here is his infidelity video where he compares adultery to GANG RAPE: here

L4 I can speak to that. I have been both. My ex H raped me a year after our D. However...I did not know his identity as it happened. the terror, the fear for my life were present. didn't get a look at him til it was over. Was the betrayal of my present H worse..HELL yes. Don't talk out of school til you have been there. It was also worse than losing my Dad, and also worse than learning that my child was in the company of a pedophile, though he was untouched. Until you have been both, you might want to calm your tone a bit. GF