Hello all,
I'm new here and this is only my second post. I've been hanging around this site for months, reading the articles and the forum posts, and I've been drawn to the Infidelity boards due to all the compelling stories here.

Having said that, I must say to all the BS who are trying to recover their marriages and to those who have succeeded-much, much kudos to you, you are all better people than me. I don't think I could do it in your places, especially considering the many levels of hell you've gone through (and some are STILL going through). I'd most likely just end the M if I found out I'd been betrayed. I don't trust easily, and usually just cut people out of my life who betray my trust.

Still, I am curious-what made you all decide to stay and save your marriages? What kept/keeps you going when your WS is or was deep in the "fog" and acting like they didn't care if you stayed or left, as long as they had their lover? How did you deal with possibly feeling like a "chump" for taking back (or trying to take back) someone who metaphorically twisted a knife in your back?

And I'm curious what a happily married person is doing lurking on an infidelity site.

My gut is you're lying about something.

But then I don't easily trust.

To my knowledge, my wife has never cheated on me, and I see no signs that she is now. I lurk here because I have a tendency to worry without cause. To fear the other shoe dropping-on my head.

Perhaps I shouldn't be here, maybe this board just feeds my insecurity. But it's also nice to see that it really is possible for a marriage to recover from an affair, if both spouses are willing and able to do what's necessary.

The Harley program can improve any marriage. I suggest a marriage builder's weekend. You should focus on making your marriage better - not planning what to do if it gets worse. I really don't believe reading/posting here will be beneficial to you and will likely do more harm than good. Believe me this is not a place anybody wants to be. Have you tried the General Discussion forums?

MacNut - I'll give it to you in two words:

Christ (the example)

Love (the reason)

In my eight years reading here, nearly every single betrayed spouse (both male and female) claimed this BEFORE they actually experienced being betrayed. Yet here they are.

Seems you have some more reading to do, Mr. MacNut.

Welcome to MB.
Jo

I'm sure this is one of your wife's greatest joys :RollieEyes:

Worrying is like praying for what you don't want.

PK

Resilient beat me to it, but it bears repeating:
What you think you will do it you are cheated on bears little resemblence to what you actually DO when it happens. I was one who thought that too. Convinced I'd throw the bum out.

When it happened, I was blown away by how I felt, and what I did in response. Why did I act so differently to the way I thought I'd react? More than one reason here.

1)I was totally unprepared for what he did, especially WHEN he did it. We'd been married 37 years and I was NOT prepared to start my life over at that age.

2)We'd shared SO much by then -- his year in Vietnam, the birth of our children, the deaths of all 4 of our parents, job loss, cancer, and on and on. We'd shared our lives together--nobody knew us like we knew each other. When faced with fighting to reclaim us or walking away to live the rest of my life alone, it was no contest.

3)I'd made a VOW, dammit, and so did he. I'd never considered how I'd feel about THAT. Yes, yes, I know the Bible "permits" divorce after adultery, but I didn't want to take the big pass. I'm committed to the promises I make. Just didn't realize how much till it was tested in the toughest way possible. Live and learn...

4)Don't like admitting it, but here's a dirty little secret. I was totally affronted by the whole thing, and thinking my H would choose the POSOW over me, when I KNEW I was the better choice, well, that brought out the Irish in me. (And I cannot tell you how proud and satisfied I am that I walked through h*ll to make myself an even better woman than I was before. Got the scars, but I also got the prize of a much better husband and a much better marriage than we'd had before.) Doesn't get better than that, despite the price.

I could probably think of more reasons I changed my mind about how I'd react, but those are the main ones.

The fact that you are here, and admit to insecurities, tells me that you would be well served to read everything linked from the MB home page, and order the books His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters. Show them to your wife and GET BUSY. Working through them will prove the straight route toward banishing your fears and giving you and your wife the best marriage you can have.

Good luck, friend.

OMG, I cannot believe it either RTW, but we have the exact same D-Day. Well, it was my first of 4 actually....not really proud of that but it is what it was.

Why did I attempt to recover?

Initially it was because our DS24 begged us to fight FOR our family before giving up. (The rest of the saga is linked to my sig line.)

Ace

P.S. RTW, is there a link to your story somewhere?

Ace,

Actually, 6/30/06 was one of several for me too.



I never posted my saga. Too crazed to do anything but read all the articles and books, talk to Steve H, and pray my a$$ off. Only after I knew we were going to make it did it occur to me that I might be able to help someone else like me by responding to the pain I understood too well.

Just yesterday I drew up a time line for a newbie. I'll try to find it.

You and Mr RomAnCe seem to have come a long way too. Kudos to you.


Rightherewaiting

ETA: Found it.

2004 H loses job. He's 58. Gets depressed and withdrawn.
10/05 H gets job offer 4 hours away. Assures me its "temporary"
2/06 My mother has been ill for months. Dies 2/3/06.
My position eliminated 2/21. Dream job now gone too.
3/06 I take lesser position working from home.
4/06 H begins A, but I am clueless. He calls me every day.
I visit him one weekend and find a long hair in his car.

My hair is SHORT.

6/4/06 I visit again. Find a woman's hairbrush in the couch in his apt. He blows it off. I bite my tongue, but I'm on it now.

6/18/06 Internet sleuthing shows A since April. WH denies. Still calls me to chat every day. (WTF? I later apply term "gaslighting.") Continue to collect info. Hire PI.

Got what I thought I'd get.

6/30/06 H home for weekend. I confront with incontrovertible proof. Denial. He leaves in fury and goes back to OW.

I do IC, decide to go there to take stand for M.
Can't R from 4 hours away...

After 3 weeks, I find receipt for dinner for two near his office.
Confront. He heaps pure H*** on me for "invading his privacy" and throws me out. I am totally broken.

Call Steve H. He advocates "modified Plan A," which means a one-liner email every few days, just "Hi, how are you?" Seems nuts to me, but SH said it would keep the "reality" of ME in front of him while he is deep in fog. OK.

God intervenes and gives me a reason to be in WH's city for a day. Do I try to talk to him? Steve says "only if you think you can stand it. He is dangerous right now." I am petrified, but have nothing to lose that I haven't lost already.

I knock on his apt door. He is happy to see me. WTF again.
I give him memorized speech about how, as his wife, I would like to be given the same courtesy as any stranger. Please return my emails and phone calls. He agrees. Said he was too "mad" to do it before. HE'S MAD????

I am able to get him to talk to Steve so S can help me get through this and move on with my life. Next thing I know, WH asks me to do MB Weekend.

I go back to his city after MB wkd and we are "reconciling." Have to fight him tooth and nail to do MB lessons. Told him repeatedly it pains me to be in this city, and have him in bldg with OW every day. He blah blahs about looking for another job, but takes no steps to find one. Of course, he is talking to OW in these early months after MB wkd, but says "A is over." I know if I leave, A will go on indefinitely, so I stay. After about 6 weeks, he starts engaging and talking turkey.

A year and a half later, he pushes for, and gets, a work-at-home setup (that he COULD have engineered a year and a half earlier.

The healing that was so hard in that painful place has become SO much easier now that we're home where we belong.

A long, hard road. Just like everybody else's.

SORRY FOR THE T/J, MACNUT.

Not at all, RTW. Your story is inspiring, as is your earlier post in this thread, and I thank you for both. In fact, I thank everyone who took the time to post, and for those who suspect ulterior motives, I'm just trying to understand what would make a BS fight for their marriage-and I have gained much understanding from the posters here-thanks again to you all.

Thanks for letting us TJ your thread, MacNut!

RTW, if you don't have a recovery thread, would you like to share mine that I no longer use for seeking advice? It's on the recovery forum called the Smiles and Trials thread, set up specifically for TJs by anyone who wants to use it.

Our stories are eerily similar as my H lost his job in 2004 as well....in fact, he was looking for work when he accidentally (yeah right) found OW in April of 2006. (Too weird a coincidence, eh?)

Anyhow, I'd be interested in how you were able to overcome what you were faced with.

MacNut, if I were you, I would order all the books and teaching tools available on this web site as well as read all the articles and like RTW said, attend the MB Weekend. You don't have to have experienced infidelity to improve your marriage but some of us are doing so IN SPITE of infidelity.

Again, thanks for being so generous with your thread.

Ace

There is only one reason to fight to try to save your marriage - because you love your spouse.

Uh, Pio, let me tell you that when I decided to work to recover our marriage, I did NOT love my spouse. He had systematically shut me out and bankrupted my love bank.

Only after I worked the MB Program (alone at first, then later with him) and worked on myself was I able to say I loved the man.

How come a WS can do the ILYBINILWY and it's OK to recommit without loving their BS, but the BS's reason has to be because we "love" them?

RTW - everyone has their own reasons. Often different. Love is usually a factor.

When I decided to try to recover my marriage, I was definitely not in love with my wife.

But I knew loved her.

Didn't feel it though.

Pio,

I guess we're talking semantics then. I wouldn't have stayed with the guy for 37 years if I didn't love him...

But I sure wasn't IN LOVE with him at the time.

RHW

No we aren't talking semantics. I think this is the kernel of what the MB program is about.

How can you be "in love" with someone who has stabbed you in the heart? Unless you are a masochist?

Many reasons, for example:

1. I still cared for her
2. There are children involved
3. We had many years together, and I didn't want all of that to be thrown away over a stupid fling.
4. I saw her as someone in trouble and I wanted to help.
5. The shame of being exposed as a cuckolded husband who lost his wife because some fool at her office used her for booty calls.

Give me five minutes, and I can think of five more. It boils down to a general feeling that it was something that needed to be done.



Luckily I was spared the pain of finding out about her A when it was really active. I found out about it when basically the OM was no longer interested, and she finally decided to tell me after telling the OM that she was no longer in love with me and she wanted the M to end was not enough to get him to continue the A.



If you think that's bad, consider how you'd feel if this was the second time around .

In retrospect, remaining M'd may not have been the best choice for either myself or my FWW. Perhaps I should have accepted her initial offer to walk away. But I don't regret not giving up without a fight. Well, at least not yet.