So, it's in the grapevine that STBXWH and MOW have shacked up. He has moved in to her apartment. An excellent choice from a sanitary point of view since his former landlord probably needs a substantial amount of disinfectants to clean out his room and possibly this arrangement will cause the affair to self-destruct.

They have been messing around for two years now, the affair has been on for a few weeks followed by a break-up for a few months I don't know how many times. And now he has moved in to her home where her two children spend half of their time. I will not begin to tell you how irresponsible I think it is of her to expose her children to an unstable affair.

There may be two reasons for this living arrangement:
1. They are desperate to normalize the affair and to show themselves that the "love" is for real.
2. She is low on $ and can't pay the rent on her own.

I really miss the man who used to be my husband. But this person who has betrayed me and does everything he can to break another family and mess up the life of two small children is nothing like him. I need to let go of this but it really hurts to realize that he is gone.

Where do your legal/financial arrangements/protections stand?

I'm sorry.

Do take advantage of Hiker's most excellent Five star post on romantic affairs. He posted maybe a week or so past.

Thank you!

Pepperband: We are legally separated. He has filed for divorce, it will be final in December. We have always had separate accounts since I have inherited money related to my family's business. We owned a house together but we sold it this summer. I needed to get out of there and I arranged it with STBXWH through our intermediary. He was not interested in the house so I arranged the selling and transferred his share of the money to him. He has made very little claim for our belongings and we don't have any common property left.

imagine: Strangely enough I didn't even get sad when I heard about it. My only feeling is that they are pushing this too fast to be healthy. We will see where this ends but I need to put it behind me.

Does shacking up with OP usually make the affair permanent or is it an efficient way to bring reality into the dream world and break up the affair?

MOW has two small children that stay with her half of the time. Apart from that she works full time and travels a lot due to her work. OWH has told me that she said that she has missed romance after their children were born because OWH was too busy changing diapers and cleaning the bathroom.

I am sure she won't have that problem with my STBXWH. During all the time we lived together he never cleaned the bathroom or any other part of our house voluntarily. He likes to watch TV, listen to music, read comic books and ride his bike and that's about it. I don't know why I still love the looser.

What is your experience? How long does this kind of arrangement last?

Most people on here would say that them living together brings a sense of reality into a relationship that is based in fantasy.

Unfortunately my experience is that it hasn't made one drop of difference. In fact the reality seems to have made them stronger. However, they live in a sick world, both taking because that's who they are, selfish, self-centered and sick.

What are you doing to take care of yourself during this time? Are you in Plan A? Do you want your M...

Too many questions, sorry.

Queenie, thank you for caring about me.

I am in plan B but two months ago I did a major plan FU and was happy about it. I communicated with STBXWH because we were selling our house. When I learned that he had started seeing OW again I snapped and told him that he could have her, I didn't care anymore, and that they are both lying cheaters that deserve each other.

Reason tells me that I should be happy that I got away from a cheater before we had children. Sometimes I can even feel that. But I still miss my husband so much sometimes. I know that I should not care about him and OW and spend my energy on my life instead, but I don't want them to stay together. I think the main reason is that I know that STBXWH will not give me a sincere apologize as long as he is with her and I wish that he would.

I went to a high school reunion tonight and I just came back home. STBXWH went to the same high school but he was not at the reunion. I met a guy I haven't seen for a few years and it turned out that he has started working in the same place as STBXWH. He was a bit drunk when I talked to him and he said that he was surprised that STBXWH was not going to the reunion, but apparently STBXWH was staying at home with his girlfriend and "stepchildren". Disgusting.

Give it time. Reality will set in soon when he won't be able to sit and do what he wants since screaming kids that aren't his are casuing too much chaos. And guess what? If he tries to discipline them, they will say "you aren't my dad" or OW will side with them.

You bet I CARE. And I'm here every step of the way that you want.

The truth is we don't know what will break them up or even if they will. All we can do is work the plans to best to our ability, and let G-d have the situation and work his will in them.

But I know we are here no matter what happens. And somehow we learn to survive and move forward in spite of what we want.

Thank you for your concern and thoughts.

I feel that I need to move on for my own sanity. Sometimes a sudden wave of emotions comes over me and it usually boils down to "I hate OW". I don't want to hate and it is a waste of energy that I could use to improve myself.

I try to detach from STBXWH. I have been quite successful at it but every now and then memories of us pop up in my mind. Small things that he did to make me happy when I was down, the time when he had to go to the emergency room and I was there with him, how MIL once told me that she had always wanted a daughter and she was so happy that she had me... Ok, the last one was not STBXWH but it is something he has destroyed.

Before the affair he used to love me. Because of the affair he doesn’t love me anymore. That is why I hate the affair and OW!

It is easier to detach when I tell myself that we never really loved each other. But then I have to fight all beautiful memories. How do you all handle this? What do all parents out there do with memories of childbirth and babies when the other parent has become an alien?

So sorry you are going through this. Actually he doesn't sound like much of a prize the way you describe him.

Once they live together, the affair usually ends.

But I would make a good life for myself, and put thoughts of WH on the back burner.

This is not your fault.
You are not at fault.
You did not cause this.
You are not the cause.

Thank you Pepperband! I am sorry to say this but I burst out crying when I read what you wrote. When I feel down I blame myself for what I did wrong. I feel that I drove him away from me and that I caused this.

I have talked a lot to a very good friend. She has told me over and over again that no matter how bad the state of our marriage was and how unhappy STBXWH was, the affair was not my fault. It was HE who choose to cheat, it was HE who choose to let me down, it is HE who destroys everything. She also tells me that he is such an idiot that I should not feel sorry that he is out of my life. I guess I have to start to believe what she says.

You're darn tootin' it's not your fault!
read this one - an oldie but a goodie

THIS part in particular:

And, asking this question to the *fogged-in* infidel is pointless. They got INTO the affair because they were lost to themselves, and went searching for a new self .... and, INSTEAD of differentiating themselves ... they fused identity to yet another relationship ... actually moving away from a healthy differentiated view of their self-worth ----> I am wonderful because my affair partner thinks so.

Man, that is some deep stuff. Whew. Don't ya just wanna scream when you hear pure real raw truth. Now that's good stuff!

An affair more than a fantasy - it is a search for identity.
Any adult with a strong sense of self does not dirty themselves in such a way to destroy others.

A weak person has an affair.
A person who needs a mirror to tell them who they are has an affair.
A person with poor coping skills has an affair.
A person who ignores his/her vulnerabilities has an affair.
A person willing to lower their self standards has an affair.

MORE! MORE! LOL

He IS gone. Even he does not recognize himself.

Thank you believer!

In some insane way I have wished that they would move in together. They have had constant breakups and reunions for almost two years and it has probably been very, very exciting for them. Yuck! Living with two kids and a heavy work schedule should bring it down to earth.

I think that they have nothing real in common except for the affair and even though they are both stubborn they will probably not stay together for long. But I don't want to be his fallback! In that case I would much rather stop loving him.

I don't think that any of them are a big prize. I have made a list of everything I don't like about him and I try to think about that:
"I used to think that he was intelligent and funny but he has no sense of humor and he is obviously out of his mind. All he does is sit on the couch and watch TV and he won't even go near the vacuum cleaner. He complained about my cats but he did not ask before he brought home a stereo the size of a nuclear power plant or dragged his dirty bikes around the whole house. On top of that he smells horrible of sweat when he has been working out."

I have tried to make a good life for myself. I have moved to a new apartment, it is nice and cozy and I have everything I need there. I have a good job that I'm really happy with in every way. I have good friends, maybe not many but good. I do a lot of things that make me happy. I eat well, I exercise, I sleep well (except when I wake up in the morning and feel down but then I get up and cuddle with the cats).

I think that is true and it is one reason why I have stayed this far. When I told MIL about the affair, before I found MB, I said that I felt like my husband was not the same person anymore. She replied that maybe he had turned into someone else but maybe he did not like that new person.

But it doesn’t matter what he thinks or likes, all that matters is action and he just goes further into the affair.