Hey there!

Well I will tell you my story...I am desparately in need of some sound advice!

About 5 months ago, my husband let me know that he no longer wanted to be married. He said he has been unhappy for years, and no longer loves me. Well, I was shocked! I had no idea! So I foudn this website, and started doing the things I should have been for the past 5 years. But it all seemed to make no difference. It got to the point where he todl me he did love me, but didn't know if he could do this. He left about 3 times, only to come home a fewdays later and want to try. FInally about 3 weeks ago he finally came clean and told me he had been having an affair with someone at work for the past 8 months. SO again I went to this website. He stayed, we were going to work on it. A week later, he took off to her house and stayed there for another week. Then he told me the only reason he was there was that he needs time alone. So, I let him stay here, and every night I go stay at my parent's house. He bought a house and moves dec 1. he says that he is not seeing her, but he says that he needs to be alone to think about things. he needs to be alone to fix what's wrong with him so he can thinkabout reconciliation.

We have 3 kids, and he has changed jobs. the OW lives in a different city. I feel confident that he is not seeing her, but am not at all sure that he is not talking to her. ONce he livesin his own place, how could i everbe sure he is not seeing her? He is asking me not to file for divorce and givethis a chance to work. he is very confused.

i'm confused about how plan b could work when we have 3 kids. i'm also confused about how any of this could work when he wants to live alone anyway.

i have been doing plan a....but as i sat here crying for the past 2 hours i wonder if it is even worth it.

((jaime1980)) So sorry you are here but welcome.

First, if you post this to the GQ forum, you are likely to get more responses as there is much more traffic there. IF you click "notify" I believe one of the mods can move it for you.

If you have been reading here you know that Dr. Harley recommends, especially for women, a short Plan A...then moving to Plan B in order to protect yourself from the emotional turmoil your cake-eating H can continue to put you through if you don't put a stop to it. It also forces your WH to get all his ENs met by his OW...(This is a good thing!)

I know it will be hard with kids...but there have been many others who have done it. There are two threads I can think of in which the posters got a lot of Plan B advice, especially on working out the details with parenting issues, etc. I can dig them up for you if you'd like...

Hang in there.

Thanks, I would appreciate that! and I am moving this post...so hopefully i get some response!

Hello Jamie,

I am a moderator here. I will move it for you.

Please give more details:

1. previous affairs?
2. how long married?
3. previous marriages?
4. other addictions?
5. what has not been working in the relationship before the adultery?
6. does your husband say you have been a good wife? What are his complaints?
7. who is paying your rent?
8. is OW married?





this is information we can use ... what else does he say?

YOU need to snoop (hire a PI) and find out who OW is.

1. no previous affairs that i know about
2. married for 4 years
3. no previous marriages
4. no other addictions
5. before the affair, my husband says he had been unhappy for 3 years without telling me. when i look back, i see that emotional needs were unmet on both sides. a big one is sex. my husband would like to have sex twice a day. this is something that was hard for me, i have 3 little kids...
6. he does not thinki have been a good wife. he says i have ignored his sexual needs our whole marriage. he says i did not love him or care about him.
7. he pays the mortgage, i am a stay at home mom
8. she is separated, going through a divorce right now.

I have no idea how to really snoop and find out who she is. I know her name, and they used to work together. I know where she lives. that's about all. i've tried searching her, nothing came up.

He says very little. he does not want to talk about anything. he just says that he can see i care now, but i did not care then. he is actually leaving today to move back in with the OW. I cannot afford to hire a PI. I have no money except what he is giving me. I am looking for a job now.

3 kids in 4 years - how old are they?

Have you spoken to a family law attorney and found out what CS (child support) and spousal support will be?

It will be a LOT $$ since you are a SAHM

This separation may be waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more expensive than your WH thinks it will be

- right now - knowledge is power

do your homework and don't share anything you learn here on this site with your WH (yet) ... he cannot be trusted with any knowlege

STOP looking for a job - look up your local legal aide and get educated about your legal rights.... you need to protect your kids.

WHAT STATE are you living in?

Well, i actually live in manitoba canada. And i've already applied for legal aid and been approved. actually, the oldest was mine before we were together, so it's 2 kids in 4 years.

as for not looking for a job...i need to live. i just found out who my lawyer is, and am hoping to talk to her in this upcoming week.

He doesn't think i would follow through with any of this. i told him tonight that i was breaking all contact,and he said we'll see how long that lasts.

and maybe i'm not strong enough to follow through on any of this,lol who knows! right now i'm such a mess i have no idea whether i'm coming or going.

as for him not knowing about this site...well i've tried over and over to get him to read some of the info on here. and when i told him there would be no further contact, he went straight to the computer, straight to the history...i asked what he was looking for, and he said the reason for this decision. then he found the website...and well, he knows now.

he went ahead and read all the info on plan a and b. then he asked me to just give it up and not pursue him. he asked why i even wanted him after he treated me the way he has been.

i'm not even sure anymore at this point.

Well, I'm going to post a little more information. I've been spending a lot of time reading the other posts on here, and I'm really shocked at hom much alike our WS are.

Well, we are now on Plan B. I have cut all contact except to discuss the children or any financial issues. Today, he came to the house in the morning to drop off the girls' dvd player and stayed for about 15 minutes. Then after work, I received 8 text messages, and 2 phone calls. I'm finding the no contact to be a hard thing.

Why is it that he can talk to me like nothing is wrong? It's like none of this bothers him. He insists that our marriage was over along time ago (he never told me!) and that he desparately needs to be alone. So I really have no idea how plan B will work if this is what he wants anyways.

BUt at this point, plan b is almost a way for me to get past the marriage. I know that is not what it is supposed to be, but he is living with his OW. He says only until Dec, and he wants to live alone, but it seems pretty serious between them.

But at the same time, he is changing his mind constantly about who he wants to be with. He is always trying to call me, and when we are together, he is constantly trying to have sex with me.

I'm not sure how good of a plan A I did, I wish I had this site back then...but oh well, I tried.

Anyways, I hope some people can post to me what they think about my situation. I'm finding no cantact to be very hard.

Also, when it comes to the separation, it seems he does not want to give up anything. He does not want to make a separation agreement, he does not want to give me any money. He says I can use any money I want out of our joint account, but if I take anyout, he will make sure I get no more. He also will not let me put the van under my name. Essentially, he is not willing to do anything that will make the separation a reality. I'm not sure how to deal with this. He shows up whenever he wants, apparently he came home while I was gone today and had a nap! First thing in the morning I am changing the locks.

That's because you're not really in Plan B.

Did you give him a Plan B letter?
If so, what did it say?
Who is your mediator?

If you were really in Plan B you'd have given him a letter professing your love for him, and explaining that his actions are killing what love you have left. You would request that he not contact you again until he's ready to cease contact with OW and commit to working on the marriage. You'd identify a mediator and request that all communication go through them. You'd outline the visitation and financial plan.

Then you'd block his email, and you'd block his number from your phone if possible. If you couldn't block his number you'd change your own.

A poorly executed Plan B is one of the worst things you can do. It doesn't truly protect you from the pain of his affair and indecision. It doesn't force him to have a taste of what life is like without you there to meet his ENs. It just leaves you both more frustrated and angry.

I guess i didn't really know what plan b was...i don't see how that could possibly work with children in the picture. But, I guess that's my making excuses so I can still talk to him...Yikes, I may need more help than I thought.

So I write him this letter...what about when he does not respect the request for no contact and shows up at my house? And I guess there is the issue of finances. I can make all the financial plans I want to, but if he won't follow through, then in the end it does not matter. Do I let my lawyer do the plan and enforce it?

At this point isn't all this going to make him hate me? His OW is so understanding and non demanding...it's one of the things he "loves" about her.

Write then give him the plan B letter.

Plan B can be done with kids. They can have access with their dad. No emergency NC, such as hospital emergency direct contact.
All other communication goes through a third party of your choice.

Won't move out then you will need a lawyer to get a separation.
Change the locks all you want. The police will only make you give him access for he has not left, or no sep agreement is in place. Can't lock a person out of their own home.

OK, well then I guess first thing this morning...i am going to take the kids and go to my parents house. I don't know what else to do. how does a person get through this? right now i am so hurt, I really don't know what to do. I wonder how someone can do this to another person. I guess by leaving I am giving up the house, but at this point...what does it matter?

I think you are trying to go into Plan B too soon. Is it possible for you to Plan A a little longer, but the right way? That means no expectations and no relationship talk. No LBs or AO. (lovebusters or angry outbursts)

Continue to work on yourself. Follow-up with the legal aspects. He can't just walk away and not expect to support his family.

In the meantime, you try and figure out who this OW is.

Have you exposed his affair to anyone? To people that may be able to have an influence? Parents, friends, pastor, job, etc. You don't do it to be vindictive but to expose the affair and ask for support from those to whom you expose. He will be extremely angry about this but that's okay. Your marriage can survive his anger, it can't survive his affair.

During all this, you're getting ready for Plan B. Setting up an intermediary, getting your finances and legal issues in order. Because when you do Plan B, you want to go dark, dark, dark. Cut off ALL avenues of communication with you, except through an the intermediary. This forces OW to meet ALL of his needs. This is good!

Have you read Suriving an Affair? Order it or pick it up from your library pronto if you haven't.


(((jaime1980))) So sorry you're here.

What he 'loves' about her is that she is fantasy world. No responsiblities for kids, mortgage, etc (an escape). When they are together it is probably all about sex. When the fantasy wears off, this affair will not last. Exposing is a way to speed up the process.

It seems a bit too soon for plan B to me. Do you really think you've done a good plan A long enough?

I thought I had to move on to plan b because he was living with his OW.

Yeah I'm guessing it may be too soon. It's just so hard when he is living with her. He actually threatened to call child and family services on me today. how do you do a plan a when he has completely shut the door?

I have exposed the affair to everyone i think i can. he is no longer at the job with the OW, but prior to leaving, he told his boss about it. They had a nice laugh over it. no one else at work was told to protect the OW. I have no idea how to find out who she is. Her last name is her married name, and I have searched the phone idrectory, and there is no one in our province with that last name. any suggestions on how to find out more?

It is just seriously so hard. How do you resist the love busters and emotional outbursts? These days I feel so overwhelmed with all of it...i've probably done too bad a job now and wrecked any hope.