|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146 |
SMB,.......
Your post was all about what tst is doing (which is great, btw), I'm just curious what you have done and are doing to make that part better for him?
LC LC, I would like to answer this. Forgive me if I oversimplify it a bit by using one of Dr. Harley's statements; "If you are willing to permanently end your relationship with your lover (never see or communicate with him again), get through withdrawal, and then you and your husband follow the Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery, I guarantee you that you will have a great marriage. And I also guarantee you that neither of you will ever suffer through an affair again." We have applied and followed the "Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery" as a team. SMB has put a great deal of effort into recovering our marriage. She showed me grace and love and forgiveness in spite of what my actions truly deserved. Extending forgiveness to SMB has been easy given the example of undeserved grace she extended to me.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,016
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,016 |
SMB, thanks so much for the links! I am opening them now! BTW Congrats to both of you I am so happy for you!  I am praying without ceasing for sure, have to LOL.  I am an associate Pastor at my church of 15 years(H was too!) Found out no one is immune for Adultery. Thanks for the encouragement, gonna read your story now! Again, congrats and many happy and blessed years to you both!
Me-39 H-38/Married 19years/DD18 & DS10
Dday EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08
Moved in w/Sea Hag 08/01/08
Read SAA Sept 08 Plan A 10/03/08 thru 11/15/08
Plan B 11/15/08-currently
01/18/09 Plan B crack w/phone call restating PBL
01/31/09 Planned brief contact
02/15/09 Delivery of Planned 2nd PBL
Filed for D Dec 2009 Recovering well!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,602
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,602 |
LC,
I would like to answer this. Forgive me if I oversimplify it a bit by using one of Dr. Harley's statements;
"If you are willing to permanently end your relationship with your lover (never see or communicate with him again), get through withdrawal, and then you and your husband follow the Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery, I guarantee you that you will have a great marriage. And I also guarantee you that neither of you will ever suffer through an affair again."
We have applied and followed the "Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery" as a team. SMB has put a great deal of effort into recovering our marriage. She showed me grace and love and forgiveness in spite of what my actions truly deserved. Extending forgiveness to SMB has been easy given the example of undeserved grace she extended to me. tst, Thanks for answering. I sort of wondered if you felt responsible for her doing what she did, therefore it made it "easier" to forgive. I can't say from experience, but knowing how I am, if my DH had had a RA I know I would have felt responsible even though rationally I know the choice would have be his. IOW, I would have been more forgiving under the circumstances, most likely due to guilt. Of course in the end, as you and I are both aware, we all have to own our own stuff and I was hoping SMB did own hers. I have to admit I was surprised she didn't mention it and it made me wonder if she owned it or not. LC
Last edited by lifeschoice; 11/10/08 08:03 PM. Reason: spelling
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,583
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,583 |
SMB,
How did you address the issue in regard to your sexual relationship with the guy you met while tst was in his A?
As I said in my original post, WE implemented the MB program through counseling with Jennifer.
I know that complicated the situation.
Yes, it did complicate the situation; but not to the extent that most people had assumed. Our recovery was still much easier (if you can even use that word to describe recovery) than most recoveries I see here on this board because the alien that had assaulted our family was finally gone and we BOTH were willing to do our part to recover our marriage...and we were both willing to offer each other grace.
I would say that the biggest "complication" was that it did cause tst more guilt. And his guilt was already overwhelming him physically as well as emotionally. He lives with the reality that his affair led to his abandoning his family, which led to me being in a position to be open to an affair. I live with the fact that I lost all hope and gave up on the miracle God had planned for me, just weeks before it happened. tst (as well as me) knows that I chose to have the affair and there were other choices to be made. But we did cover this months ago on our original threads. THIS thread was suppose to be an update about where we are TODAY, and not about where we've been.
I didn't see anything mentioned about it in your post and I do believe reading about what else you had to do....
I'm not sure what else you want to know. As I said, we implemented the MB program.
to get in the right direction may help people who think about having a RA.
I don't think my story would help anyone considering a revenge affair. I was never involved in a revenge affair. An RA implies that the goal is to get revenge. I was just totally hopeless. I believed with all my heart that tst was never going to love me again.
Those here contemplating an RA are filled with anger/rage, not hopelessness. They want to hurt the WS as badly as they've been hurt, so the idea of a RA is appealing. They also believe that an affair WOULD actually HURT the WS. I never would have believed that me finding someone else would do anything to tst other than make him think, "Great, now she'll finally get her butt in gear with the divorce."
Your post was all about what tst is doing (which is great, btw), I'm just curious what you have done and are doing to make that part better for him?
It would be rather inappropriate for me to come here and brag about any actions I've taken. I was publicly admiring my FWS on a board where many had seen the very worst of him. My post was to let those who followed our story know that tst really is the wonderful man I told them about and was worth fighting tooth and nail for and to encourage the new people that WS's really can come out of the fog.
LC, what brought us healing WAS/IS all that tst did to heal my heart. tst did not live through 7 months of fog babble and history rewriting, or a false recovery, or his spouse leaving him (more than once) for OP. I was left lying on the cold floor sobbing as he told me I was a sh!tty wife, threatened to take my children away, and walked out the door and left me, and then did it all again a few months later. tst needed to help my heart heal. We both did what Jennifer told us to do. He was told to "nurse me back to health". He did it well. Jennifer helped me get triggers under control because THAT was my challenge, not OM.
This is a whole lot more than I wanted to discuss about the past on this thread, as tst and I try very hard to keep our eyes forward. I only responded to this because I sense that you are looking for a problem in our situation. It felt your post was more accusatory than inquiring. Not sure why. Don't really care either. WE know where we are.
Last edited by sexymamabear; 11/11/08 12:52 PM.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,583
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,583 |
Hey ACE! You helped me a great deal just by checking in with me.  How are things with you?
Happily married to HerPapaBear
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 5,312
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 5,312 |
Hey ACE! You helped me a great deal just by checking in with me. How are things with you? So glad to hear your update, SMB. I prayed for you after you posted and then disappeared so quickly. It's nice to know that you realized so many of us cared enough to check up on you, not just me. My FWH and I are doing great and I appreciate your asking. This thread is about your progress so I won't go into details but I think I might update the Mr. romAnCE Prequel thread I started somewhere on a forum below. I appreciate your perspective on all you've overcome because it took great courage to come back here and confess that you had given up and allowed your own A. We all have our uniqueness (for lack of a better word) and I'm sure many BS's can be inspired that you and TST have shared that aspect of your situation. Did you ever hear from Phoenix4, the gal who was also homeschooling? I pray for her, too but haven't seen anything from her since last year. Again, glad to see your update. Ace
FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,602
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,602 |
SMB,
Nope I was not being accusatory at all I was just curious and felt you may have left out a piece of the puzzle for others who do not know your whole story because it did add a factor of something else you two had to overcome. I have to admit I am a bit surprised you took it that way, but that is what happens quite often with written words.
IMO, there isn't anything wrong with "bragging" (as you put it) about what you or anyone else has done to help rebuild their marriage. I wouldn't call it that, but we each have our own way of posting. I always like to hear about what others have done because every little bit of knowledge helps someone who is early on in rebuilding.
I was also not looking for any problems for you and tst and the thought never even crossed my mind, not sure where you got that idea, but it is what it is. I am sincerely happy for both of you because I remember the emotion in your posts when he left and I felt very sad for you and your children. I was happy for all of you when he returned and was willing to do everything needed to make things work.
LC
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,583
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,583 |
OK, LC. I just read it wrong then. Glad you're still in our corner.
Last edited by sexymamabear; 11/11/08 07:32 PM. Reason: forgot to take out quote marks
Happily married to HerPapaBear
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108 |
Congrats to you and tst. Thanks for the link to your story. I've read about 2/3 of it so far but hope to finish the rest tonight. You two are blessed.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4 |
****EDIT****
Last edited by Maverick_mb; 11/15/08 12:19 PM. Reason: Multiple User Names Created For Deceptive Purposes - BA
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 614
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 614 |
Congratulations you two! Your story is an inspiration to many!  Want2Stay
|
|
|
|
2 members (2 invisible),
476
guests, and
72
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
