Please help!
My wife and I of 8 years are on the verge of a controlled seperation. We have two kids 3 and 5. I don't agree with the cs, but she says what we are doing now is not working. Here is the story.
She says she still loves me, but she always feels oppressed in our marriage. She always has to answer to me about where she is, what she buys and what she does. I agree I probably was a little overboard with this. I have agreed to and have changed. She says living this way over the past few years has changed her and she is trying to decided if she still wants to stay married to me.
I also found out that I believe she is or did have an emotional/physical affair with one of her employees. She had gone away on a business trip with him back in August and after we started having problems I did some digging and uncovered emails, text messages and chats between the two of them. In all of them I did not see anything sexual or any "I Love You," but I did see a lot of unprofessional dialouge going back in forth. Of course she denies it other than to says it got a little unprofessional, but once she realized it, she stopped it. Who is to know what really happened. I have confronted her a number of times to no avail. I told her if she would just tell me we could work through this together. I do love her and our two boys and want to work it out. My question is w/o her admitting to it and knowing if it truly has stopped. How do you move forward? In Dr. Harley books he always talks about having no contact with the lover at all, but if she won't admit to do anything wrong, how can I ask her to change jobs, so she won't see him everyday. He too is married w/ small children. Please help.

Walks like a duck, sounds like a duck, it is a duck.

Expose to OMW.

I would put a keylogger on the computer and also get a copy of her phone bill. If the affair is being carried on at work, you may not find anything. But check anyway.

Does she "work late" or is she gone at night?

((tbone007)) So sorry you are here. Welcome.

First, if you have this thread moved to General Questions, you will likely get more responses just because there is much more traffic on that forum. You can click "notify" and a moderator can move it for you if you'd like.

Yes, your W is engaged at a minimum in an EA...and so long as they work together, you should consider the A alive regardless of what she tells you. Have you read up on the "For Newly BS" at the top of this forum? It's a great place to start.

Did you make copies of the emails and text messages? If not, can you still do so? Can you get access to cell records?

I know the knee-jerk reaction of the BS is to obsess on what the WS, what they are saying, what are they thinking, etc. Try to avoid this. Focus on yourself, learning about ENs and LBers, and doing a great Plan A.

It is critical that you expose OMW ASAP...and in the meantime, get your plan together. I had to read my Plan A lists several times a day to keep myself straight. I recommend you read this thread. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1640788&fpart=1

Hang in there.

Thanks for the info. What is OMW?

omw= other mans wife

Thanks for the great info. You had mentioned expose to OMW a.s.a.p. What if I'm wrong about the affair? My wife says she has put a stop to the "unprofessional" talk. Which obviously I don't know for sure. I have not seen a whole lot lately when I have been checking emails and phone records, obviously I don't know what goes on at work. If I do expose her and it gets back to my wife, won't that make her even more upset because she is telling me nothing is going on and what was she stopped, and now it looks like I don't beleive her or trust her (which I don't know if I do) Do I really have anything to gain from doing this?

Thanks!

Yeah, I tried that, but we have a Mac and the software either won't work or it won't do what I need it to. I have the phone bill and showed it to her and she denies it other than to say "Yes, it got a little more personal than it should, but that is it."

No, she really doesn't work late. She is done at 5:00 and she is usually late every day, but only by 5-15 minutes and we work close and I drive by right where she walks out and have seen her leave a number of times late and it's always by her self. She is home pretty much everynight and on weekends. That's why think either something happened and it was a one time thing on the business trip or they are/were having an EA, because she does work on the computer a lot, but I haven't seen anything recently that if I did not see what I previously saw whould throw up any red flags. So maybe it did stop, it was nothing or they are hiding it better.

Polygraph

your gut is telling you something, whether its unfounded or not, either way, this is your life and your wife.
Tell your wife flat out that you are still very much bothered by this and if you do not get the answers that you feel are straight answers from her you will have no choice but to ask anyone and everyone that may know these answers, including this mans wife. She might get mad, but let me also say, that when my H was innocent, he would say, please ask away, but when he was guilty, he was very mad that I would even mention asking.
It dosen't matter what kind of H you were/are, there isn't anything that constitutes and A, if she has said that she did have on either EA or PA because of how you were its only to justify in her own mind, there is no justification.

I don't think you have enough info to press forward.

You've admitted to being a bit controlling. So without proof this is only going to be spun another flaw of yours.

You need to back off, and gain the proof or discredit the A before taking ANY action other than plan A.

Begin plan A, and keep your eyes and ears open.

I agree.
Keep monitoring everything but for now take your wife's word that things got too personal and things are now under control.

Read up on POJA on this site or in Fall in Love, Stay in Love. If you and your wife truly learn to practice POJA, then she won't feel controlled by you.

Don't help her put the separation in place. Let her file the paperwork, let her move out of the house. Talk to a lawyer and see what your parental rights are with regards to keeping the children in the marital home.

Invite her to go to a Marriage Builders weekend with you (click the "seminars" link at the top of the page for more info).

Thanks for the info. It was kind of nice to hear your point of view. I was starting to think everybody on the forum doesn't really follow Dr. Harley's ideas. He never preaches confrontation and I don't think confronting her anymore or the OMW will get me anywhere at this point. I've confronted/questioned her about it a number of times and it's always denial, maybe she is telling the truth about it just getting a little too personal and she realized it (after our marriage counselor mentioned it) and put an end to it. I think I need to decide if I want to and can Forgive her for what ever did or did not happen and try to move forward. Talking to marriage counselors/coaches it doesn't sound like I can do anything about it, if something is going on. If truly want to try to make it work all I can go is create an enviorment she wants to be around. The seperation is pretty much a done deal, but it's not a legal one. It's call a "Controlled Seperation." I also have invited her to the Marriage Builder's weekend, so we will see. She says she does Love me and I guess as long as that is there the embers from the fire could always be ignitied again. Like my Mom said in the end I guess the only thing anyone can convict me of is "Trusting my Wife."

Thanks for the info. I guess you and a lot of other people are right. Human nature (mine too) it to want answers and when you have emails, phone logs and chats that say a lot. It's hard not to press for more. I've tried a number of times to no avail, I guess it's time to forgive and work on Plan A, which is easier said than done.

Please see my previous post below. My question still remains if she won't admit to an affair how to I get her to stop or leave her job. She obviously doesn't value our marriage very much and she loves her job, so she would probably choose her job over marriage.

What if I'm wrong and it was just a flirtatious type relationship (which doesn't make it right), but I could live with that and assuming it has stopped like she says (I also haven't seen anything to think much otherwise). The phone calls/text messaging have all but stopped, emails going back in forth, but obviously I don't know what goes on at work.

Should I confront someone else such as the other guy or the other guy's wife, but what if I'm wrong? If it gets back to her she will be pissed because she will beleive I still won't drop it. Should I just work on Plan A for a while until I find something that would prove her wrong. We are going to go through with a
Controlled seperation (which is where you seperate w/ the intentions of working on the marriage w/ guidlines. Basically, like you are dating. She is moving out of the house. She did also say she would go to the Marriage Builder's seminar? Is the seminar worth it?

You figured it out before I could reply to your other post.
Good job

My question still remains if she won't admit to an affair how to I get her to stop or leave her job. She obviously doesn't value our marriage very much and she loves her job, so she would probably choose her job over marriage.

I think you're getting the cart before the horse.
First you Plan A. Make sure she knows you are capable of being exactly what she needs and wants in a husband.

Meanwhile you snoop to see if there is an ongoing A. If there is, you EXPOSE it and bust it wide open.

Eventually she will find herself falling in love with you again and *then* she will be more receptive to your requests to change jobs.

Right now she's not committed to the marriage. That needs to change before you can approach the topic of her seeking different employment.

What do you think her top ENs (emotional needs) are?

I've not attended one but from what MelodyLane says they are expensive but there is absolutely no better place to put your money if you are interested in improving your marriage. She raves about them.

If I were in your shoes I'd book one now, and tell your wife the dates. You will probably have to arrange child care, travel, and hotel as well.

Thanks for the info. This seems to be a answer I get a lot. I've been talking to a Divorce Busters coach and they kind of say the same thing. You need to show her you have made the changes and make the home life and your marriage an enjoyable place that she will want to be in. If she doesn't find it enjoyable she won't want to stay.

I will keep snooping in hopes I don't find anything, but I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact I don't know what goes on at work and she is his boss.

I know the seminar is expensive, but she said she would go and we can get a sitter, so I guess we should go.

t-bone, what is a "controlled separation?"

Has your wife asked to move out in order to "get some space?"

When she says you were "controlling," what does that mean exactly? Were you really abusive and controlling? Are you a mean, brutal bully?

Where will be she be moving? Will the kids stay with you? How will this 2nd place be financed?

Also, can you afford to have her tailed for one day at the office by a P.I.? The reason I ask is that we have had ppl who had affairs during their normal working hours and met in hotel rooms, cars, etc to rendevous. Who does she eat lunch with?

Do you ever go to her workplace?