I would be honoured.

Thanks all of you, Believer,Chai and Imagine.....
Imagine, your explanation of plan B is perfect!!!...NO more food parcels from me....
Chai, I take no offense to you being firm with me...I needed that.

WH tells me NOTHING...just that he is deciding what to do....it angers me that he doesn't at least let me in to his thought pattern.Because he is unemotional towards me, I tend to think well he doesn't care anyway so it won't make a difference wether I have contact or not. I wonder wether his decision will depend on his financial situation...if he came home he would save a lot of money only supporting one family PLUS I earn a decent salary as well. Money is a top priority for him and I would hate for that to be the reason for him coming home.

What is he waiting for to make this decision? I would hate to be in his shoes if he has to tell OW his leaving her as she has NOTHING..no car,job or able to pay rent... Knowing WH, he'll want to leave her with money to see her through a month or two
He has no deadline to make a decision..how long am I to wait? He is a closed book. He doesn't deserve this option of coming home and I get angry with myself for allowing him this option sometimes.

I got a TM from my bank this morning to say WH had deposited ALL the money that he owes me, into my account.

I'm gonna try here...

Men tend to compartmentalize their area of focus. I would guess that WH compartments include workplace, OW domestic zone and W domestic responsibilities.

His highest priority is in the workplace right now. OW is shelved and you are shelved because, in his mind, both of "his ladies" basic commodities are satisfied.

That's right... he doesn't need to make a decision!

And breaking this down...

OW is fulfilling his need for romantic escapism. He is the white knight that rescued the damsel in distress and she the grateful damsel.

You are his stalwart consort. Capable, steady and able to fend for herself. You are potentially a hassle at this stage: What is the emotional cost of returning to you? How will I have to "make it up to you"? How will you affect my continued relationship with OW?

Sorry girl, you are a complication.

But wait! What is your future status?

Well... This OW and her entourage may become irritating. The business may fold such that he require a temporary back-up plan.
You are the mother of his kids and therefore a convenient babysitter. And Aaah, maybe I'll go back and put up with her shh... you know what for the sake of the kids.

Now I propose that what you are looking for is a man convicted by the Holy Spirit of his sin before God and before you. Who will strive each day to please you better. Who will become your teacher and support.

....But I digress.

Hopenpray, hope and pray...

Hope,

I have started posting to you three times, but I simply don't know what to say.

What do you want? Do you want your M, then stop for a moment and listen and plan out your next move. Stop living in feelings and reaction. You will lose your M if you are not careful.

Unless you are wanting to do that? Just a thought.

Imagine, I think you have my WH down to a tee.....as I was reading your post, I remembered WH telling me in the start of his affair that "he wouldn't HURT HER"
Men think so differently to women.....your insight is so helpful........

It worries me too, that IF he did come back what would his attitude and manner be? Enough" WHAT IFS" for now....

Now that I am going to stop giving WH " food parcels" ,how do I explain my sudden change in behaviour to him? Do I write him a letter or tell him verbally next time we are in contact?
If so, I don't want to come across as trying to control the situation and in doing so, force an answer out of him.

I would appreciate some advice here....

I concur with the others - the business is his pride and joy which he realizes you are a huge part of that dream. That's why he wants you to stop by and see the shop. He definatly wants your approval and admiration. Don't go - let him twist in the wind.

Shocked,I have no intentions of going to his shop ever...its quite close to my place of work and as I work 1/2 day, I could easily swing by on my way home in the afternoon.WH knows this too.

Can anyone suggest how I let WH know that there will be no more communication as long as OW is in the picture?...Shall I do it verbally,next time we see each other or in the form of a letter?

Where is the Plan B letter you gave him last time?

Queenie,I never kept a templete of it so maybe I should just write a short note reiterating no contact untill he has chosen to come home..I think I will say that wether he comes home or not I'll be able to move on in my life. I don't want him to think that I'm desperate!!

I'm not very good with words!!!!

Hope,

Let's wait for what Believer says. Personally I think you should create the Plan B letter and not deviate one DROP.

But wait until Believer or someone else who is more knowledgeable.

My advice, stop reinventing the wheel.

Queenie you underestimate yourself!!

I am not very good at putting words down on paper...my first PBL was basically the standard one....

Its 10pm here and I'm leaving work now so I can't chat...
I'm going to think about my letter and post tomorrow...
WH will come to the house on friday to fetch DS18 for the weekend so I have till then.....

As for reinventing the wheel..you made me laugh..I'm seriously going to try keep to a dark plan B,more to show WH that I am SERIOUS !! :crosseyedcrazy:

I think you might need to show YOURSELF that you are serious.

Stop worrying about WH. When dark in Plan B, he is DEAD.. Got it.

I found out last night from a friend that the drunk who caused my DS18's motorbike accident 2 years ago,passed away 2 weeks ago. The case was about to go to court, yes, things work VERY SLOWLY in this country!
DS18 wasn't phased and said "whats in the past is in the past" he actually felt sorry for him.I can only be proud of his attitude..

WH opened his shop today.....DS18 and a friend have just left to pop in at the shop.
Its 3.30pm here....I gave him some mail to give his dad and told him to remind dad to reimburse me for med. bills...

I will tell DS18 not to tell me any info when he gets back.....

I tried to write a PBL last night but it felt wrong.I know he will take it the wrong way and think I'm trying to control him and force an answer from him....I am thinking of just waiting for the next time, IF we have contact to calmly tell him that I don't want contact till he makes up his mind etc.....
WH doesn't try contact me anyway so I don't think I'll have a problem there. This is what I find so strange,I wouldn't call it cake-eating in the true sense of the word cos his not trying to show me how he feels about me or in fact, being anything more than a friend.I know he feels awkward around me and a bit nervous too..he battles still to look me in the eye too.
He behaves almost as if he has to make a decision about a business deal or something,he shows no emotion at all and he doesn't want to talk about it .He is blocking me out completely.

Its 3.30pm and WH just fetched DS18 for the weekend. DS16 popped in to get a few things as he is staying with his dad next week as well!!!

While we were waiting, DS18 commented that he doesn't think WH will come back...then after a long pause "he mustn't think he can take over the pool and garden if he comes home, thats mine now!' It was said very seriously... I am very proud of him for all he has taken on at home without any complaints. I can see his POV regarding WH..he left now he mustn't think he can just take over the running of the house so to speak..
DS18 gets a bit annoyed at me for wanting WH home...he just shakes his head at me... I told him not to worry about me, that I'd be fine either way.

How can anyone NOT really LOVE your boys. They are protective over their mom. I hope that WH respects this characteristic of theirs.

I have been mulling over a custom Plan B letter for you these last days. This is difficult when one does not know the history.

Still thinking.

Imagine, you are so thoughtful.....I really appreciate you giving you time to my problems...you know how men think which is what I really need help with!!!!

I know WH has a lot on his mind, especially to do with the shop... DS16 mentioned this afternoon that WH was a bit stressed so I worry that my letter will just be an irritation to him.
He won't engage me readily cos he will think that I'll want an answer from him and he won't have one....he got irritated with me in the past because of me always asking him when we had contact.

I get angry because ..who does he think he is?...lord muck holding all the cards....and I hate myself for allowing this scenario as well......

If this was happening to a friend of mine I'd be telling them that they are crazy to allow this behavior, yet here I am.

Well I lost it last night....

DS18 came home from spending the weekend with WH...He told me that WH is buying ALL the boys a xbox for christmas to share and of cause it will stay WITH HER 3 BOYS. WTF?

DS18 said he couldn't be bothered as he wasn't interested in an xbox and that DS16 was ok with it.DS16 is the one I'm mainly concerned for.

So I phoned WH...
me; I hear you're buying the boys an xbox for christmas?
wh; yes
me;why can't you buy 2,one for your own boys and one for hers?
wh;do you know how expensive they are.
me; how do you think your boys feel that their shared present will be kept with OW's boys?
wh;(defensive)our boys understand..
me;of cause they going to say that to your face!
wh; well they are old now and they must understand.

I was livid and I felt hurt for my boys sake.

me; so I can assume that you're not coming home then?
wh;nothing has changed,no
me;what are you waiting for?
wh;I think about coming home and I wonder what will be different,I remember how I felt.
me;I can only tell you that we can recover with MB etc...
wh;I think you must just move on,said hesitantly
me;have you signed the papers?
wh; yes

I really don't care about [censored]-footing around him anymore...

I am going to write him a letter explaining why we can;t have contact etc and that it will continue once the divorce is final....

I don't regret phoning him cos I felt I had to stand up for my boys...I am seriously considering buying my boys an xbox this week,DS18 says its a waste of money, but I know DS16 would love it.DS16 is so vulnerable right now and I worry that WH just keeps fueling that and he can't see it.I hate him for it....

Any ideas on how to word my letter,right now I am spitting venom thinking about him.

I just spent some time working in my garden...I find it quite therapeutic.DS16 comes home on sunday so I'm going to see how he feels about this christmas present...if his really ok with it I'll drop the subject.I don't want it to look like I'm competing with WH for presents.

I can handle WH behavior towards me but when I see my kids being hurt and once confronted he still doesn't see the damage his doing, I lose love for him rapidly.

I wouldn't contact him again. You keep saying you will go dark, and then you don't.

Hubby's present to the boys is not a good idea. He must still be very foggy. How would he like to get a present that he shares with someone else and it is left at the other person's home?

What I hate about all of the video games is that most of the time, one or two people are playing, and the rest are sitting, waiting for their turn. My sons' have all the games, but if I had it to do over again, I would not have bought them.

I bought them a computer at a garage sale that someone had altered to play 2,000 video games. Talk about addictive.

What did this exchange have to do with contacting him for the purposes of "defending" your boys?


This is something you should have done way before now. As you now see, each negative contact with him is causing you to lose your love for him.

You really do need to go dark.

Have you arranged a intermediary if you re-write your Plan B letter? Cause this time it's gotta stick or he's not going to take you seriously at all. And this should include instructions to your boys to NOT relay any information about WH to you. The holidays are coming up and this is going to be really tough on you. Can you handle it?

Here's a Plan B (revised):

Dear WH:

You know how I feel about you. I know I told you this before, but I did not realize how important it was for me to maintain no contact with you in order to preserve my love for you. I do now. Therefore, I am once again asking you not to contact me in any form unless you decide to end your affair and come home willing to work on our marriage.

If you need to reach me ONLY for an emergency, you may contact ______ who will relay the message. Otherwise, please do not attempt to contact me through the boys or by any other means.

I miss you and love you but I can't live this way any longer.