First off - let me just say this to all people starting their recovery journey - please listen to the veterans on the board. They know what they are saying. They speak from personal experience. I doubted it a bit and learned the hard way.

Well here goes my latest update. You can see from signature line the dates. But briefly my WW had an A with OM from around end of 06 until 9/12/08. I busted them. She ended it with OM through NC call a couple of days later. We have been in recovery since. I did not leave and we started MC right after. Their have been ups and downs but overall I think we were making progress and could see us being together even though I knew we in for a lot of work ahead.

Last Thursday we had a marathon talking session. I thought we made some good progress. WW finally admitted she was in love with the OM during the A (I knew already - but she just couldn't admit it - she tried to spin every different way she could - mainly afraid because she thought I would leave). And she also admitted that after d-day she still had feelings for the OM and has had problems dealing with it. She has no desire to leave me for him but she said she just doesn't know why she has feelings for him. I told her I understood based on the books I have read and the posts on here. In a sense I was relieved - not happy - but relieved because I felt she was finally telling the truth. I have not believed what she has said up to know - that she just was just numb to him and that she could say nothing bad about him. She would say the OM was a good guy overall who just made a mistake. And she wished him well in his future life.
We then talked about being totally honest. She was still keeping secrets from the OM that I felt he should really know about. They were related to the OM and the OMW and my WW. The secrets were going to make the OM not like my wife and also cause issues between the OM and his OMW (they are getting divorced already). She said she wanted to tell him about it - I thought I should be the one because of the NC rule. We went back and forth about and decided we would pick it up later.
Well fast forward to last Thursday night - she says she is going out with a friend for coffee. This turns out to be a cover. Her plan is to goto the OM house with the friend and confront him with the secrets she has. She want everything to be in the open and to break her connection to the OM. The friend bails on her (i tend to believe this - I have some proof to verify this). She decided to goto OM by herself (I know big mistake and she admitted as much). Well she goes. And I'm sure you can guess what happened - they have sex within 10 minutes of getting there. She then tells the secrets. The OM is not happy. In a sense my WW betrayed the OM during the A. So now the OM is pissed off. OM calls me to tell me they had sex and gloat and tell me how messed up my WW is (nice guy right) and that he wants nothing to with her. They leave on bad terms. She comes home and tells me everything. She says she finally sees him for what he truly was. That it was just about the sex and he was using her and she is completely disgusted with herself for what she did. She now despises the OM and sees him for what he was. She realizes that there really wasn't a deep connection and love. It was about sex and secrets and the thrill of the A.
So my question obviously is - how do I deal with the fact they had sex 1st? I asked for her for explicit details. He initiated it. She says it was terrible and she felt disgusted by it. It lasted about 1 minute. That she finally sees that the OM was just using her. Didn't really care about her. Obviously she could have stopped herself - she admits that she couldn't. She says she has a problem. It wasn't about love - just sex. The thrill of the moment. Kind of tough to take but and who knows exactly what happened. I imagine this is partially true but I bet there were some feelings involved there too.
She says she is now over the OM - she is glad the OM hates her and she see him for who he really is. I tend to believe her - her attitude has changed to the OM. There is real hatred. I find it a bit sad though that she had to make the OM hate her for her to break free but I guess it beat the alternative. She says that during the past couple of months of recovery the OM contacted her two times and that has been it, no physical contact. Obviously who knows for sure but I have been keeping tabs on her.
So what do I do with this? She desperately wants me to stay and will do anything to make it happen. She is no longer fighting me on anything related to our relationship and things to do to keep her in line. I'm glad she told the secrets - It was the right thing to do but obviously not the way it should have been done.

Any advice? Should I not even entertain staying with her? I'm so confused. I have no doubt that she loves me but she has some major issues. I think she is finally seeing it but is it too late?

This does not make sense, none of it:

“…they have sex within 10 minutes of getting there. She then tells the secrets. The OM is not happy. In a sense my WW betrayed the OM during the A. So now the OM is pissed off. OM calls me to tell me they had sex and gloat and tell me how messed up my WW is (nice guy right) and that he wants nothing to with her. They leave on bad terms. She comes home and tells me everything. She says she finally sees him for what he truly was. That it was just about the sex and he was using her and she is completely disgusted with herself for what she did. She now despises the OM and sees him for what he was. She realizes that there really wasn't a deep connection and love. It was about sex and secrets and the thrill of the A.”

You are still being lied to. (See my post on your other thread.)

UP, she knew what she was doing. She knew exactly what she was doing. The whole encounter from planning and arraigning right through to the instant sex.

If it were not for your children, I would say D, as fast as you can.

But even with your children, if you can get primary custody, D.

She is who she is.


PS: Get tested for STDs.

Just a suggestion. Don't take her "hatred" seriously. Right now the sting hurts, but that will soon wear off, if that is even truthful at all. The problem here is that she broke contact. It doesn't matter if she planned on bringing Jesus herself, she broke contact and that is a big problem. [nor was it a "mistake" it was a planned, orchestrated get together]

"Last Thursday we had a marathon talking session. I thought we made some good progress. WW finally admitted she was in love with the OM during the A (I knew already - but she just couldn't admit it - she tried to spin every different way she could - mainly afraid because she thought I would leave). And she also admitted that after d-day she still had feelings for the OM and has had problems dealing with it. She has no desire to leave me for him but she said she just doesn't know why she has feelings for him"

Then Thursday night she lies to you and goes to have sex with him..................

YIKES!!!!!!!!!

She has no desire to leave you, but just wants the OM on the side for sex occasionally.

Thanks. I basically assume everything she tells me is a lie right now. Unfortunately there is no other way to approach it. Very sad to think the person you have been with for all these years can do something like this.

Yeah I don't think she ever bought into the whole no contact idea. She was kind of annoyed that I made her do the no contact call with me on the line and she didn't get to say all the things she wanted. For some reason she thought she could handle it on her own. But then again that's the same reason why she had the A. She honestly thought she could be good friends with another guy and not have it lead to anything.

Is it worth it to try to work it out?

Yeah. Its crazy. For some reason I am not as hurt this time around. Totally shocked. Angry - angry that we just went through hell for the past two months and she did this. But the hurt feeling is not quite there. I kind of feel bad for her. This is what her life has become.

Kind of ironic - SF was at the top of our list during our M for fighting over - she didn't want to and I did too much. I guess she does like it lot after all.

You are still being lied to.

Polygraph her. If she says no, kick her to the curb.

UD:

What part of "No Contact" don't you understand?

And WHAT Secret could you WW be sharing with her OM that she hasn't already shared? What, her booty wasn't enough?

Man, did she play you.

Talk all night, and the next morning she is going to OM house with a friend, (who blew her off...of course!) And with in 10 minutes thay are having SF.

And then she come home and tells you ALL ABOUT IT. And how she HATES the OM NOW....

Where was OMW while this happened? Betcha SHE was gone as well...

Yep. You were played.

If MyRev was around he would be asking you to check your tousers for something.

NO CONTACT IS NO CONTACT.

SHE IS IN CONTACT. IT HASN'T STOPPED. That's why Thursday worked out so gooooooddddd...

UD, I do not know what the secret was, i.e. her new panties? Her new cell number? Her new email? her ability to get you to AGREE to let her go THERE? What?

And the SF didn't last only a minute. It lasted for as long as she was inside the door, and probably ALL SECRETS WERE REVEALED!

It was really well planned for the OM to call you and gloat. This way, they can have more sessions where they tell each that they hate each other...
:RollieEyes: :RollieEyes:

UD, Please stand up. NC, means NC. You call the OMW and tell her that OM is contacting your WW, She told him not too, and that OM has (expose secret here, if it makes sense to do so..??..) and then cancel all your cellphone accounts, and put a keylogger on your home computer.

BTW? Your WW? Will have another secret to share in three weeks.....

Count on it.

LG

Just not with you.

This is important - this will never change.

Take your time, of course, but you will need to decide what you can live with, and what you can live without.

Oh, and the numbness is going to wear off. Now that will be ironic.

I am seriously considering this. If she doesn't agree then that will be enough to know. Are there any threads that tell about how to set it up?

Just go for custody, UP. The rest is a waste of time.

I don't agree with Aphelion. I don't think it has anything to do with sex. She is trading sex for something she gets from the OM. Women are strange creatures.

Yellow pages under polygraph

B:

Yes, she was trading for:

Adventure
Desire
Brass ones

How about it UD?

LG

I posted this on here because I wanted a dose or reality. But is D the only route? I see on these boards here WS going to live with their OP and then coming back and recovering. Is this any different? I'm not saying D is not going to be end result but is it worth sticking it out for a few months. Not saying it will be a pretend happy M but to see if she can change.

As for the secret issue - I was aware of what is was. I wanted the OM to know. When the OM called me he confirmed that she had told him and he definitely was not happy about it. I'm not saying she didn't use it as an excuse but the whole secret aspect was true. The only issue was I wanted to tell him but she wanted to.

**EDIT**

Not sure what you mean exactly?

UD,

Sorry for you and your kid especially, did you have DNA tests, STD tests? I think you were implying that your W was doing the OMW too! That's a whole nother scarry issue. Do the Polygraph

God Bless
NJ

Up,

You might want to protect yourself from Aphelions rants about WS's and FWS's. He's been on a crusade lately against them most probably because his own situation has soured.

If you click on his name, you will find a button whereby you can "ignore this poster" I'm sure you'll be better off without his "advice"

This IS a marriage building site. You will get much hope here.

UD, you are back to square one. BUT, all hope is NOT lost. There have been marriages right where yours is now, that are recovered. However, it's going to require some hard work on both your parts. I hope you are both up to it!