Don't forget to scrapbook him a page showing admiration, then leave your pages open for him to stumble upon....he will eat it up!! GF

Mogi, that was amazing, thank you for sharing with me. I can feel the emotions you were going thru, and I sooo identify. Maybe I’m projecting, but it all just sounds so familiar.



I started my Project BR last night.

DS and I went out to dinner to DH’s fave restaurant (DH hates going out since he’s always on the road, I love it cuz it’s a break, and the only time we all sit down to a meal, at a real table, and talk). So, I wasn’t available to talk with he wanted to, just said I’d call him back when we were done. I didn’t, but had DS call. I did call before I went to bed, though, since I said I would. I was upbeat, talked about what a good time DS and I had, no relationship talk, and signed off with an ILY.

I usually call DH in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep (thank you D-Day!), but I didn’t last night (limiting attn seeking behaviour). He’s been working nights out of town, so he got home at 5:30am. I had decided that I wouldn’t let him know that I was awake unless he prompted. I usually let him know as soon as he walks in the door, like I’ve been waiting for him… well I HAD been waiting, just didn’t share it as usual. I didn’t acknowledge his presence until he got into bed, was sleepily nice, told him I was glad that he was home, and left it at that. No attn seeking behaviour from me!

Well, well, well… he said he was glad to be home, as well; then silence, then a sigh. He asked if he could cuddle up with me (I am usually the one to ask), I said of course, he doesn’t need to ask! Cuddling, then silence, then a sigh. I ask if he’s okay, he says yeah, he’s just having some triggers (we call them “issues”), and I offered to talk him thru, I’m here for you, etc. He said he’s okay, I said okay. (this is where I would have been ILY, it’s okay, offering attn to him; but I didn’t; Project BR says that he needs to willingly share with me!) Silence, then a sigh… then he says I really want to ask for SF, but am afraid you’ll say no cuz you’re tired. I said that’s a pretty big assumption, just because I said I was tired doesn’t mean it’s off of the table; remember our talk with I told you that I needed you to ask me more, like you used to, that I NEEDED you to ask me; he said yeah, and that’s why he’s asking the way he was. I told him to lock the door! ;o)


Project BR wins: He shared his feelings w/o prompting, he asked for SF, he asked for cuddles!!!

Project BR goals for the rest of the day: Do something beneficial for BR and only BR, cut out attn seeking behaviours, enjoy my time w/my DH w/no relationship talk!

AWESOME!!!!

I know that at first it feels like "cat and mouse" but when you think about it in terms of the number of games that your WH played during the A...it's no comparison. I think of it not as a game, but truly as ME focusing on ME. The fact that it drives H crazy and makes him want me more is a side benefit...like icing on the cake.

So, what are you going to do for YOU today BR? Do you like to do your nails? Bubble bath? Curl up with a glass of wine/cup of hot chocolate and read? Find something that makes you happy and ENJOY it.

Allow some of the enjoyment to come from the understanding that you have been ignoring yourself for a long time and you deserve this attention. Be pleasant with H, but no doting. Be available if he initiates, but be "busy" with your own things.

I think another really great thing to do is to add the quick appreciation comment. When your H comes to check on what you are doing and rubs your shoulders, put your hand on his hand and say, "I love this." Plain and simple. Don't get into a huge discussion about ENs. When he asks if he can cuddle...let him and then say, "I love this." Reinforce the things that he does that you like at the instant that he does it. My H told me it helps him because at the moment I tell him, his synapses are firing about what he's doing and he makes a connection between the action and the appreciation.

The trick with the appreciation is not to make it a big deal. Just a quick comment...like "handing him an M&M."

Great Job BR!!! Keep it going!

MS

I think that went really well!

OMG, I didn't do M&M's! Ugh! I should have, had the perfect opportunity, and didn't... Grrr.

I've got to come up with a way to recognize it when it's happening, so I can reward.


I think I'm going to have a bubble bath tonight. I haven't allowed the time to do that for a long while; A bubble bath, a trashy magazine, and maybe a glass of wine.


I so appreciate the support you guys, it's wonderful. I haven't been talking with my friends about all of this because they haven't btdt, and I don't want to burden them; they all have young kids, hubby's, etc. And my mom isn't good at it because when my dad cheated on her, it just got swept under the rug, and to this day, she still allows him to gaslight her(IMHO).

Thank you! I'll keep updating!

Anytime you need to talk, I'm here. I know how lonely it is. I actually lost a best friend over this. She felt I should leave. And the other friends are sympathetic, but don't have advice because they don't really understand. This site is SO helpful, not only for the MB principles, but for the sheer fact that you don't have to go through it alone.

Don't worry about missing the M&M thing...you are changing things and it takes a bit to implement the whole idea. Congratulate yourself for your accomplishments. What you are doing takes STRENGTH and CHARACTER. It is much easier not to try at all.

I check in throughout the day...I'm a stay-at-home mom of three so between laundry, lunch, and referee, I pop onto the site to see what's up.

MogiSola

Just checking in after the weekend. I was not able to get in a bath, but did get to spend time by the fire w/a drink reading the magazine I bought! I was also able to watch some of the trashy TV that I like, so I didn’t do too bad for myself, but did do a couple of things.

DH and I had a tough night Fri night, got into an argument, and he started into the LB’ing, so I slept on the couch. It takes him a couple of days to switch from working nights to sleeping nights, so he was really crabby, and I didn’t want to deal w/his [censored] anymore (enforcing boundaries), so that’s why I slept on the couch.

He came to me in the morning and hugged me, and said that he didn’t want to have a bad day, and did I want to talk, he did… so, we spent a couple of hours w/R talk. It went pretty well, and he reaffirmed that he needed the affirmation, and could see how I was working to identify the things he does faster, and respond w/recognition & affirmation. I explained my feelings of his not being emotionally involved enough in our R; he explained that he felt and has felt like he could never do anything right by me; feels like it’s never enough or never good enough.

He also talked with me about how I present my opinions and needs to him, and how he needs me to do it. He stated that he feels I’m judgmental and negative when I talk with him about how I feel, my needs, etc. He gave me the example of how he needs me to do it, so I’m going to work on that. It’s sooooo hard changing a communication style that I’ve had all of my life though.

What do they say it takes, 21 days to form a new habit?? I’m going to work on it… he needs me to give him something positive w/every negative. Example “I really appreciate you doing the dishes, it helped me out a lot, but next time could you run the dishwasher as well, instead of leaving it full of the dirty dishes?” I had always thought and felt that when you use a “but” and/or use a positive with a negative in a sentence like that, the positive is completely negated by the negative?? Am I missing something?


I tried very hard to keep my emotional distance, no puppy-dogging, and he ended up being very emotionally needy towards me on Sun night, flirtatious w/ me this morning on the phone, so I really think that’s working for me. I’m going to keep it up for a bit.

Another positive from our talk on Sat a.m.; I spoke w/him about the MC and he agreed to it! He actually said that he had already agreed to it, and even concurred that he thought it was a good idea, I didn’t remember that though. I just remembered that it he said it was impossible due to his work schedule… I don’t care who’s right, I’m just glad he agreed!

Hey MS how was your W/E? I’m impressed, SAHM with 3!?! You must be super woman!


I’ve been lucky that all of our friends who know (we exposed to those who would support our M only, and got rid of the toxic ones) have been wonderful to both of us. My longtime friends emailed him their support and his BF and family support me, as well. It just comes to a point where I don’t want to drag anyone down with our junk anymore; or with my current sit, I don’t feel like they may be equipped enough to be able to help me. I’ve gotten a lot of “you’ll just have to get over it” from both my parents and his, and that’s not the kind of support I need right now.

Thank goodness for you fine MB people!


Mogi said “What you are doing takes STRENGTH and CHARACTER. It is much easier not to try at all.”

Thank you for this. I sometimes forget that not everybody is able to even try to R their M’s. For me there just was no other alternative; I listened to my marriage vows, repeated them, and meant them with all of my heart and soul, in front of our DS, family, friends, and God. What would that mean for me to just turn away from them?? I just wouldn’t be okay with not trying.

Sounds like it's going well. I would really curb the R talk, even when he initiates it. Just for a while. You want to make the time that he spends with your pleasant and R talk isn't always pleasant. As for the argument...I'm going to bet that it was about your relationship. Don't talk about it for a while. Avoid the topic. If he asks if you'd like to talk, tell him you don't really feel like it. Listen to him, but don't respond. This is a time for you to get YOUR strength.

I'm camping this week so I won't be online much at all. Maybe once. Good luck and have a great week.

MS

Got it, no R talk, even when he brings it up. Honestly, I cannot remember what the argument was about, just why I slept on the couch. Guess it must have been important, since I can't remember! Geesh!


Ohhh, I love camping! Have fun and be safe! I look forward to talking with you more once you return.


Again, I appreciate your time!

How's it going? Have you made any progress with Project BR?

We had a great camping trip. I'm exhausted...the kids are dirty...lots of great pictures and memories.

Talk with you soon.

MS

BR,

I wanted you to think about the possibility that your H is not Asperger's at all. The distinct possibility exists that he is a phenotype, and not "undiagnosed Asperger's". A phenotype, which is a person who carries many characteristics but does not have the syndrome, is quite common in the families of those with autism-spectrum disorders.

You are likely to find other phenotypes within your family tree (or your husband's, since his appears to be the family with the traits).

Just something to think about.

SB

Well, figured it was about time I give an update:

I’m glad you had a great trip MS, some of the best times I’ve had with my H, my S, and my family has been camping. In fact, my DS’s first camping trip was when he was 7 days old! That was interesting to say the least!

SB, I thank you for your input. I don’t know if there even is anything up with DH re: the Asperger’s. I’m just going off of what I know my DS’s idiosyncrasies are, and how easily DH identifies with him, with them, and understands DS’s thought process much more than I. Sometimes I feel like I’m beating my head against the wall with DS, and DH just swoops in, words something just *a little* different, and then you can see the light bulb in DS’s mind go on. Sometimes it’s extremely frustrating, and other times I’m extremely grateful.

Well, DH was home for a full week, working in town (nights), and even though we had a couple of issues, it was wonderful to have him around. For this passed week, he’s been out of town again, but returned home at 4am. He’s supposed to be off all next week, and then leaves for OOT again on Sat after Thanksgiving.

I’ve been handing out the M&M’s all over the place, and it seems that DH is just lapping them up. I had no AO’s or LB’s this last week while he was gone, for the first time since D-Day, and he must have thanked me 20 times (no exaggeration). He says it’s easier for him to call me more when he’s not afraid of me having an AO… makes sense, huh?!

He did call me more, and he talked with me more about the job and his struggles with it. He roomed with a guy who I feel is safe, he called me quite a bit, and he actually shared with me, so it was easy for me to pass out the M&M’s. I’ve also found that he likes it when I text him small appreciative messages; so I’ve been doing that once a day.


I’m almost done with the book you suggested, MS, and it’s been very, very helpful. I can see so much of my and DH’s relationship in the words, and the tools for reconnecting have been very beneficial. So, for that I thank you!

I’m still actively working on not being emotionally needy. I’m still trying to do nice things for myself. In fact, I’m going on a trip this weekend with my girlfriends (all live in my old hometown, so I don’t get to see them very often) to a concert! I’m very excited! Should be a good time, total estrogen fest!

DH is staying home with DS, and they’ll get to spend some QT together while I’m gone. Good for everybody I think!

So how was the concert?

It sounds like you're making great progress. Isn't it strange how being positive gets positive? And your H's comment about not being afraid to call and talk is very telling. He must have avoided it a lot because of that fear. Keep rewarding his efforts. You are helping your relationship to get to a point where he CAN share with you. That's great!

We've been fighting Scarlet Fever if you can believe it. So I have been pretty busy with sick kids. No fun. It's like the stomach flu with strep throat and hives! Everyone is almost through the worst of it. Now we get to wait and see if I catch it. Keep your fingers crossed!

MS