Man you are not thinking clearly which is understandable.

You KNOW there was inappropriate contact between your wife and this man and the OM's W deserves to know. She may even have a more complete picture or be able to extract it from OM.

What if you're RIGHT??????? If you're right and you do nothing your marrriage is DOOMED.

She MUST leave this job otherwise recovery is impossible.

You are RIGHT to not believe or trust her. SHe isn't trustworthy. How's trusting her been working out for you?

Do you want to save your marriage or avoid your wife's anger?

p.s. from what I have learned over the years, the MB weekend is a cut above anything else. Many of the couples who attend include at least one reluctant spouse and the Harleys are sometimes successful in bringing them aboard. The Harleys will coach you for as long as it takes. It is worth every penny.

I can afford it. However, I don't think that is what is going on. She is in management, so she is in meetings most of the day and doesn't get a lunch a lot. We work close. I always question her why she is late from work (when I say late I mean like 10-15 minutes), but I have seen her a number of times leaving late because I happen to drive by at the same time and she is always walking out by herself.

A controlled seperation is basically when you agree on terms of a seperation with the agreement you are doing this to work on the marriage. Like our would include things as no contact w/ the opposite sex, Family dinner night one night and date night on Friday or Saturday, continue counseling and reading books etc..

Yes, she kind of did use the "need space" request. Actually, a lot of this all sounds like a mid-life crisis for her at 34. She says she doesn't get to do a lot of the things she use to do such as draw and write.

I didn't think I was really controlling, but I guess I was wrong. Things like why are you late, what did you buy and nagging about household chores. No, I wasn't physically abusive

She will be moving out and we will share time w/ the boys.

tbone, what do you think is going on here?

Did she tell you she was moving out to "get some space?"

And what is a "controlled separation?"

I'll tell you what it means Mel - it means his wife is controlling him so she can bang OM for a bit without his interference.

Yer welcome.

Nice!

Any ideas on how to confront? Do you know anyone it has worked for?

You realize that is irrational, right? If one wants to "work" on something, they need to BE THERE. If I am going to fix my car engine I don't go to Montana, I go to my GARAGE. Obviously, I cannot fix my car if I am not there.

Separation will not help your marriage, it will HARM IT. It will greatly increase the risk of divorce. Be assured her "plan" is not to save your marriage, it is to get away from it.


Actually it is code speak for AFFAIR. We hear it on this forum every day. This is what affairees say when they want to move out and carry on their affair unimpeded. Dr. Harley, who has been doing this for 35 years, states that only one time in 35 years has "I need space" NOT been for an affair.

I suspect your wife is moving out to commence an affair and is making noises about "working on the marriage" to gain your cooperation so you won't wisen up and make trouble for her. What a wayward wants most is to "be friends" wiht her BS when she screws him over.

I wonder if the OM is also moving out to "get some space" and try a "controlled separation?"

This could be critical information that could help you, t-bone.

Confront who? Your wife or OM'sW?

I recommend talking to OM'sW to compare notes and share what you know first. Did you read my first post up a few?

See your wife is having an affair with this guy.

Exposure is like chemotherapy for cancer. It's worked for MANY people including me. Sitting on your hands and pretending this isn't happening will get you nowhere.

While I believe your wife is in an A, I don't believe you can expose unless you have better proof than "she says she needs space." I think you should Plan A, do the MB weekend, and snoop. If/when you find evidence of the A, blow it wide open with massive exposure: no warning, no revealing of sources.

As Mel said, you don't leave the marital home to work on the marriage. That's just nuts. When she brings it up, tell her that you are only interested in talking marriage, involvement, and commitment, not separation and space.

I totally do NOT believe she wouldn't have contact with the opposite sex. Don't fall for that. She can have family dinner every night living at home. You can have date night every Friday or Saturday if she's living at home. You can read books more effectively under the same roof.

If she needs space she can set up a studio in the basement or spare room. That can be HER space and when she's there nobody bothers her.

In fact, why don't YOU set up a spare room, part of the basement, corner of the bedroom, whatever. Put in a desk, good chair, good lighting. Get some good drawing paper, a nice leather bound journal, some good pencils. Hang a sign on the door that says "Melissa's Studio" or whatever.

Tell her you know she needs space to be herself and to express her creativity. Tell her you love and value her, and this is part of who she is, so you treasure it and want to support it. Tell her it's her own private quiet place where she can be alone and undisturbed.

FWIW it doesn't sound like you are controlling. It sounds like she's wayward and waywards feel controlled when their spouse shows normal concern.


Do NOT agree to this! If she moves out make her finance her place all on her own. Keep the boys with you and let her visit them every other weekend. Hey, she needs space, right?

I believe this man is being gaslighted. He thinks he is dealing with his WIFE but that is not her. I suspect it is an alien who is in the throes of an addictive affair but he doesn't know it yet.


Exactly! Clean out a corner of your garage and let that be her "space."

Thanks I stole that idea from you a while back.
You said something along those lines and I thought... That's brilliant! Of course!

When *I* need space (and I do, sometimes), I don't move out.
I take a bubble bath with candles, wine, and good music.
I take a walk.
I flop across the bed and stare out the window.
I go out into the garden and pull weeds.