Thank you in advance for your help and comments. Here it goes:

Right at the end of September my wife was out with some of her friends for a charity walk. A couple of days later I was paying bills and noticed a large amount of text messages on our bill. As we do not usually texts more than a couple times a months, I investigated. The texts were to/from my wife's phone number to/from a number I did not recognize during the time she was at the charity walk (I have confirmed she was actually there.) I confronted her about the texts that day.

Naturally I was suspicious and asked her who they were from. She said, "It is just a guy from my work in another department." I didn't accept this and finally pried out of her that she was conversing with this guy on a regular basis at work. I confirmed that she hadn't talked on the phone or texted him by checking past cell phone records.

My wife is very closed off and usually won't share anything unless asked. She finally shared with me that she "wasn't happy with our marriage", "loved me, but wasn't in love with me", and "had been this way for a long time". She made it clear to me that I had failed in certain aspects of our marriage and she talked to this guy because he made her happy.

I accepted this but told her that I wouldn't condone her talking to this guy. She promised me that she would not talk to him though she still had to see him occasionally at work. We agreed to work on our marriage and ordered the Marriage Builders home courses after concluding we couldn't afford counseling (though I was willing to pay anything because I am in love with her and our children).

After a week or two I noticed she wasn't very enthusiastic about working on our marriage and I confronted her about this because she was not attempting to meet any of my needs, though I was trying my hardest to meet hers. After long discussions she finally told me that she "had nothing left for me", and "didn't trust me with her feelings". So we went around and around for days discussing us and the guy she was talking to at work. She admitted that she hadn't stopped talking to him and finally coughed up that he kissed her 3 times at work while they were alone.

I made it clear to her that I understood her feelings but that I was completely disgusted with her behavior. Since then I have not been doing well and have been doing all the things that Marriage Builders calls LB. She keeps giving me mixed signals; one day telling me she wants to work on our marriage and the next time telling me that she would not give this other guy up.

I rode her pretty hard about her activities at work and let her mom know what was going on. Her mom made it clear to her that she needed to end the deal at work so we could focus on our marriage. I also told her sister. I gave her a couple days alone and she called me one day in and told me she wanted me to come home. She again agreed to focus on me and give up the adultery at work, but I can tell it is not whole heartedly.

She states that she has not talked to the guy at work other than stuff related to work for the last two weeks since I left her alone. She also told me that she still feels good when she sees him and is happy when he speaks to her. Also she says that she understands that he is not good for her because of our children and that he was adulterous with his ex-wife.

Even with all this occurring she still tells me that she wants him and doesn't know if she would be able to keep something from happening if he tried again. I thought about talking to her co-workers, but one of them is her aunt and she is a known liar. The way she talks her co-workers know what is going on and it seems to me that they almost encourage her actions by not stepping in. When I am feeling down I want to talk about her feelings and I want her to insure me that it is over. She gets defensive and won't commit to me 100% because she doesn't want to give it up for sure.

I have been pretty much a wreck the last two weeks and have been pretty much LB even when I know not too. I am up and down and depressed. I am going to the doctor tomorrow to be assessed and possibly put on anti-depressents because I feel very different than my normal self (unmotivated, tired from lack of sleep, edgy, crying, continuously thinking about what is going on). I am doing this because I need to be stable for my two young children and the 2nd graders I teach. I don't not think it is fair for them to have me feeling like this.

I guess my ultimate question is: do I trust her? When I ask her if I can, I have this gut feeling that she hasn't given it up and is still interacting with him, or that she hasn't told me everything and there is more going on. I do feel good that I believe I caught what was going on early in the affair. She says she doesn't love him, but is rather intrigued about the possibilities of what he could be for her. She also admitted that during the one time we had sex since this began that she was fantasizing about him. She also admitted that she had fantasized about him prior to me finding out while she was with me sexually. Please share your advice.

Thank you.

You are right not to trust her and right that you don't know the half of what she has done with this guy.

She MUST quit her job (or he must) and NEVER EVER see or talk to this man again.

Recovery is IMPOSSIBLE whilever she works with him.

PLEASE read the FAQ's about how to survive infidelity on this site.

I repeat, until there is NO CONTACT the affair is ongoing and your marriage is doomed.

I asked her about changing jobs, but to no avail. She is in a field that is very limited, especially in this area. Job openings are few and far between. It is frustrating.

OK - so you're throwing in the towell and divorcing her then right? Because as I say, recovery is a pipedream if she keeps working with him.

dweagle, do you believe an alcoholic can recover by changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks" while continuing to go to the bar every day?

just so you know, recovery is impossible until all contact ends.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through he11. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

dweagle, please also contact HR - many companies take a very dim view of affairs.

Expose thoroughly at work.

This marriage will not be saved if contact continues. There must be NC.

"I asked her about changing jobs, but to no avail. She is in a field that is very limited, especially in this area. Job openings are few and far between"

So, your point is you rather her continue her affair instead of saving her marraige to you. WW danced, now she has to pay the band. Tell your WW placed that if she placed that much importance on her job and not wanting to lose it. WW would of at least not have an affair with someone she works with. The old saying never [censored] where you eat.

If she is that good at her job she'll find work anywhere, anytime. If not then no loss. Maybe she could find another career to excell in.

There must be NC, and if the community is that small I advise you to put distance between you and the OM and move.

I think it's very sad that most BS's, when informed that their WS MUST leave the job if the OP is a coworker, come up with all sorts of reasons why that can't happen.

As if the job is more important than the M!

dweagle, I understand how you feel - because I was right in your shoes at one point. I also convinced myself that my WW had to continue working. I can tell you that the 6 months that she continued to work with the OM only did even more significant damage to our already fractured M.

Then know that OM will continue to weasle his way into your wife's life and will destroy your marriage in the process. But hey, at least WW will get to keep her job.

More like after the Divorce WW will still have OM and her job.

Everyone need not convince me that she must leave her job. How do I convince her? In my second post I do not think I stated what I said correctly. This is what she told me, not what I have accepted. I have been contemplating how to get her to leave the job.

She works for a medical laboratory in the Nuclear Medicine Department that is located in the basement of a hospital. The OM works up stairs in the cardiovascular testing department. They are actually not employed by the same company. She goes upstairs and performs treadmill tests with this guy a couple times a week, but not always with him. Because of the arangement I thought about contacting his employers HR department and informing them. I wish I had actual proof about it and I wish I could have him removed from his job without risking hers. If she loses her job and it is because of me, she will more than likely hold me accountable.

She is actually licensed in two fields, X-Ray and Nuc Med, and she could find a job outside the area, but It would be hard to convince her. I am currently under contract so leaving my job is impossible until next summer. I would be willing to give it all up for our marriage.

As to this. NO!! Waywards lie constantly.

Do you know who this OM is? Is he married? Have you thought about contacting him in person and CALMLY asking him what his intentions are with your wife? He sounds like he might be 1/2 way intelligent. Maybe if you confronted him at his job, it would make a bigger impression, especially with co-workers or supervisors around.

Expose this affair. TODAY!

Your wife will be extremely po'd but that's good. Really. Your marriage will survive THAT. It won't survive her continued affair.

Hospitals are like small towns. Once word gets around, it'll be hard for them to carry on.

Please know while you are trusting your wife to want to save the marriage for your children, the other man is scheming how to get her to have sex with him.

I've been on this board a long time and have NEVER seen a marriage make a full recovery while the affair partners were working together.

Write to the HR department and let them know that the OM is kissing your wife between seeing patients. Ask them what they plan to do.

Tell your wife that she must protect her family by finding another job, and that this is non-negotiable.

if she lost her job it would be because of her affair. Her employer has a right to make that choice since they are the ones who will be legally liable. But it would be silly to suggest she lost her job because of YOU.

And if she does not lose her job, the result will be much more than her holding you accountable. It will be divorce after you die a death of a thousand cuts from years of an on again, off again affair, living in a chronic state of anxiety. Every day she goes to work there will leave you to wonder if today is the day she takes the drink.

You have nothing to lose by sending the letter. My suggestion would be to send the letter, exposing the affair. If she will still not end her contact with the OM, you would want to eventually go into Plan B, which is separation. the purpose of Plan B is to protect you from the mental and physical fallout of continued abuse. And be assured, her continued contact is abuse. You will eventually grow to hate her if you allow yourself to remain in such an untenable position.

Here is a letter devised by one of our members who is a corporate attorney:

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS

p.s. I would also notify the OM's employer and HR for the hospital.

ALSO, I would call his house and see if a woman answers. It may very well be that he is not divorced at all. Disguise your # with *67 and call there and see who answers. If it is a woman, tell her about the affair.

I am sorry to tell you this, but from reading your posts again, you can be pretty sure your wife is still having an affair. They are just hiding it better.

My suggestion would be to pay a visit to him and ask him what his intentions are. When you go, leave your pistol in the car.

Tell her it is her job that goes or it is you that goes (divorce). If she chooses divorce, she would have chosen it down the road. But be prepared to back it up with the action. You will never work through this if she is in this A.