Two days? That's nice of him.

Do the best you can in two days. If he wants to leave, let him go. You still have lots of time to turn this around.

drgnfly,

He hasn't been NC long enough to really get out of the A and out of his fog. Patience!

If he can make it through the first few weeks, he may not have another relapse. BUT, if he really goes NC, be prepared for withdrawal. This will look like going backwards, but it is a necessary step in HIS recovery.

See, the A gave him a high. Brain chemicals the A induced that addicted him. As he "withdraws" from the chemicals of the A, he will feel lousy. Moody, resentful, angry, depressed. Just like a junkie coming clean. Be prepared for this. It will hurt you, but you must contain yourself.

It will take everything you've got to continue Plan A, meeting his needs, not letting him bait you into love busting. DO NOT BACKSLIDE during this period!

Of course, since NC is so new, and you've been through him breaking it before, you must also remain vigilant. Watch him closely for contact, but do not nag, judge or criticize. You will probably hear more fog talk. DO NOT LISTEN. Just keep reiterating your commitment to him and the marriage, and admire his efforts to break loose.

Going NC is hard. It's hard on him, and it's hard on you. Don't let it defeat you.

And stay with us. You're probably going to need the encouragement through this.

rightherewaiting,

Thank you for all the support. Your posts mean a great deal to me and help draw me back out of my head and into motion. Everybody has been wonderful. And on bad days, it's great to find one of the "funny" threads and just have a laugh. If I find something particularly funny, I share it with my H.

My H finally started reading this site tonight and has gotten a good start on the concepts. He was very skeptical at first thinking that it would be about what a horrible person he is and all that, but he is very impressed and comfortable with the way Dr. Harley deals with the issues. He's seeing himself and me in many of the scenarios just as I did. I'm sure that when he gets to the mind sets it's going to blow his mind. I still can't get over how well it describes our life. Wish they would have taught this stuff when we were young. Maybe the divorce rate would be down if people were more educated in what love really is and how to negotiate in a relationship from the start.

He's starting to get the fog that I keep talking about, and it's starting to clear a little. I understand that he still has a long way to go though.

One of my LBs towards him is the OW. If I say something bad about her, he automatically applies it to himself because he was in the A too. For me it's a case that she's done this before and feels no remorse for anything she's done. She doesn't see anything wrong with what she's done to any of the families. He on the other hand feels remorse and guilt and understands what he's done. Plus I love him and can forgive him, but I do not need to forgive her. I have to work on not attacking her in order to not hurt him with the same words. It's just difficult to hold all that anger in sometimes. For this to work, it's something I need to fix.

I do admire his commitment to the NC. He's already made some big steps in that direction that I know were hard for him, but I am so proud of him for doing them. People always go to him with their problems and he's been stretched too thin. I've learned to deal with my own minor problems so I don't add to his strain, and he's finally started telling other people (including OW) that he can't help them anymore - he has to take care of himself for once. He needed that freedom and I think it's wonderful that he finally made that step for himself.

I will definitely keep posting here. It has helped immensely thus far. Sometimes I think that this was meant to happen - we're strong enough to get through this and eventually help others in the same situation.

drgnfly,

How good to read your post this morning! The slog through recovery is long, but you both seem to be off to a great start. There will be more ups and downs, but keep encouraging your H, and we'll keep encouraging you.

Sounds like your H has lived life with his Giver in overdrive. The reality is that no one can serve that many masters, and sometimes the people on the receiving end are selfish and manipulative. Gotta be selective about WHO gets a piece of you. His life (and yours) will be so much better for getting a grip on this.

Right now, it should be relatively easy. A crisis always shakes things up and offers an opportunity to do things differently. It's important to take advantage of this window of opportunity.

My FWH and I had lived many years as "married singles," but since the blowup of the A and our early, clumsy attempts to climb from the wreckage, we spend almost ALL of our free time together. REALLY hard in the beginning due to a lot of raw pain on both sides, but it has opened up areas of ourselves to each other that we'd not experienced in our 37 years before the A. In a sick, twisted way, the A was a gift. Sent from the devil, but with the help of God, turned to the good.

With you both reading here, it will be so much easier for you to work together. Important to be on the same page.

If H wants to post, he will get support too, unless he evidences foggy, wayward thinking. Then the bats will come out--NOT to judge or punish, but to help him look at himself from a different perspective--from love.

Kudos to you both for beginning the journey back.

Right Here Waiting.

Oh, meant to address this:

"One of my LBs towards him is the OW. If I say something bad about her, he automatically applies it to himself because he was in the A too... He on the other hand feels remorse and guilt and understands what he's done. Plus I love him and can forgive him, but I do not need to forgive her. I have to work on not attacking her in order to not hurt him with the same words. It's just difficult to hold all that anger in sometimes. For this to work, it's something I need to fix."


Bingo. The OW isn't worth the space in your mind, your heart or your marriage. OF COURSE, you're angry. You were dealt a mortal blow and he seems to get that. She serves no further purpose.

Once you feel safer with him, you will be better able to contain the anger you feel. At some point (down the line) you will be able to talk about the whole sorry time more objectively, and with compassion. That will be AFTER you've spent some time filling each other's love banks.

So get busy!

I always feel so much better after reading the posts on here. God was guiding me the day I found this site.

Part of the difficulty in letting go of the OW is she pretended to be a friend of mine, and I have that betrayal to get through also. She would look me in the eye, ask me to lunch or talk about getting our kids together to play. I don't understand how people can do that. I knew there was something wrong with my H - he acted guilty and did the hurtful things a WS does, but she didn't show an ounce of guilt when we talked. That's scary.

For my husband, I will let that go. I don't want to make him feel more guilty than he already does. He knows he messed up and we're ready to work on this.

btw...he made his decision on what he's going to do. He wants to work one day at a time. Looking too far down the road is overwhelming for him, so this is a much easier start.

He isn't changing his phone # yet. We compromised on that point and I'm very proud of us for the way we talked it out and came to a joint agreement. He called her this morning and told her flat out that it's over and there will be NO FURTHER CONTACT. She of course started bawling, but he made his point and got off the phone. He put a block on his emails and his myspace page, but we decided that he can keep the same number. He made a valid point - no matter what his number is, he could call her any time he wanted, and by changing it and giving me that security blanket it would be that much easier for him to cheat. It's an empty gesture as far as that goes. Not that he wants to call. In fact, he felt liberated as soon as he hung up the phone. If she calls him or sends him a text, he will change the number that day. And that works for me as long as he's completely honest with everything.

Two things.

1) What in the hell is a grown man doing with a MySpace page? That is ridiculous. It's an invitation for more of this type of behavior.

2) The change in the phone number is to stop HER from randomly dropping into YOUR life. Not an issue of TRUST.

You need to make it clear to HIM, you don't trust him in any fashion at all right now. Everything he even says to your face is questioned. He hasn't done anything to actually earn your trust yet. Trust is earned by repeatedly showing you are trust worthy. That takes time, and well, you haven't made it past a couple of days of NC even. I'd make a stronger stand still, stating this is a non-negotiable, change the number already, quit playing you for a fool. It doesn't mean NC will hold true, but, it tells you that if it's broken, he was the one that allowed it to happen...

You have the power now, not him. It is your choice to forgive. Forgiveness doesn't just happen, it is a process. You have to remember that.

-hang in there

Probably, but not definitely.

I have a Facebook account because that's one of the ways I keep in touch with the kids - one is in college and the others live out of state. I also keep in touch with cousins, aunts, and old friends from out of state. We moved to a new state three years ago, and I have old girlfriends whose children were friends with my children, we used to babysit for each other, and trick-or-treat together, etc.

If she has access to his MySpace and/or Facebook, and his permission to put a keylogger on the computer, I think that would be fine. After all, the issue isn't the computer, or the cellphone, or the car, or a MySpace account, or business lunches, or a sports team, or any other of the myriad ways in which affair partners meet. The problem is the WS' boundaries and accountability.

I have a myspace, me and my brothers and sisters, there are 7 of us, only 1 lives in my state, the rest are spread all over the country, this is how we stay in touch with each other. Its just really easy to do it this way, we all have them set to private, not just anyone can have a look.

In my experience, this method for communication is unstable. I'm not saying communication via the web isn't great, it is. However, the MySpace era seems to invite problems. It's very similair imo to the classmates.com fiasco. They both can be used effectively, but, they also seem to be overly used to accomplish tasks of ill repute.

The point is in this case, dealing with a WS or FWS, who is untrustworthy, really shouldn't be posting stuff to a PUBLIC myspace page. It's just a way to communicate to the OP without the BS being able to monitor it.

my myspace isn't public, I wouldn't be opposed to my FWS having one if his was a more valid reason like mine and his was set to private also. When my H was W there wasen't the technology like there is now. We didn't have a PC or cells.

That's exactly how we work the MySpace pages too. We both have them to keep in contact with friends from long ago and family members spread all over the place. The OW just signed up on MySpace and we found out yesterday that she's been trying to see our pages. You can normally block a person, but for some reason her page doesn't give that option. I have to look further into it. As for now, only friends can see our pages and contact us.

I have a Facebook page also to keep in touch with my cousin in California (he doesn't like MySpace), but H doesn't have one. OW has a Facebook page too. In fact, we were friends on there.

H gave me his passwords and told me to go on his accounts and make the needed changes. And our mutual friends that he works with are keeping an eye on the caller id at work. And I can definitely trust them - they want to beat her down.

He had told me to ask you guys about the phone number and if you all said that it's a horrible idea, then he'll change it. I guess he's changing it! He wants to believe that she'll respect his wishes and then he doesn't have to go through the pain of changing his number with everyone else. :twobyfour:

Well, since he is reading here, why not ask if he will post?

And he DOES need to change his phone number.

if she won't back off, tell her you will have no choice but to look into some legal ways to make her back off. How obnoxious.

Drgnfly,

Your post that caused my dumbfounded "HUH?" has been answered by some who were able to put their thoughts into words better than I could at the moment.

While most are focused on your WH's Myspace page, my problem was with the goof-ball "explanation" he gave for keeping his cell phone number. Why would you lock all the doors to your house and leave the slider to the patio open??? OF COURSE SHE HAS IT.

I just don't know what else to say.

RHW

rightherewaiting,
your right, and there it is.

Okay, okay...we've talked about the phone number a lot today. He didn't completely understand the why of it, but is willing to change if that's what I want.

I have to say that he felt immensely relieved when he notified her of NC, and he's been happier today than he has been in a long time. He hasn't seen her in 3 weeks and has only talked to her a handful of times in that time-frame. I know that isn't the same as NC, but it has stopped any deposits she could make and it's actually been making withdrawals since she only called due to problems in her life. So in the last couple weeks - especially the last couple days of his reading this site, the illusion is lifting.

He had left me a month ago - was gone a week, but visited every day after work for a couple hours not to mention the contact throughout the day. The night he left, he could only make it to the corner before he broke down and couldn't breathe or stop crying. Today he broke it off with her and is happy! I take that as a very good sign. I understand that there are going to be bad days for both of us. In fact quite a few times today, I felt that it's too good to be true. Too easy. I am not turning my back on this - I will keep my eyes open and not be duped again. I will pay attention to my gut-feeling from now on. And I will keep up the posts here for my reality check.

I have a feeling he'll be posting soon, but he's a little afraid of being drawn and quartered.

btw...My H is an amazing person. Otherwise I wouldn't be trying so hard. Before everything started going down hill, we were incredible and I know we can be even better after reading this site and the posts. He can be the best husband and daddy I could ever ask for when he's not being a complete and utter moron. He is definitely worth the fight. I just wanted to clarify that since mostly I've only posted the bad stuff. And I'm trying to get back to the happy, positive person I was before all this went down. I'm trying to point out the good side, but I won't turn a blind eye to the bad. Learned a valuable lesson the hard way. :RollieEyes:

drgnfly,

I agree, reality checks are good!

Here's another: Have you guys gone to the phone store to get a new number? Till you do, there is still an open line between them. What means has he been using to talk to her "a couple of times" over the last three weeks?

No contact means NO CONTACT. Not "a couple of times!" As long as they are talking we do NOT have "no contact," and that is the Cardinal Rule of reconciliation! We cannot stress this enough.

You will NOT recover your M until he is well beyond a couple of days without the "fix," despite the number of feel-goods you're getting at the same time.

Oh, yeah, he "hates" dealing with her now. Then why does he continue to do it?

I am beginning to understand how the BS gets fogged too. Never saw that before, and I am applying how I did it myself back then. So thank you for showing me so clearly how it works. Really.

Here's hoping you two will get into REAL NC. Of course, that is entirely up to your H.

Tell him he is welcome to post here, and we will support him too, when he "gets" it that ANY contact is continuing the A. If he wants to justify talking to this whacko for any reason at all, he can expect 2x4's, not support.

Holding hope for you. In the meantime, please protect your heart.

RHW

its still very early, I am not convinced your in recovery at this point, not convinced there isn't some contact.
I feel H is somewhat of a cake eater at this point, no?