How do I do what? I'm not sure exactly, but I think you are asking how I continue in a Plan A while my husband is still with the slug?<P>I think being separated makes it easier - I don't have to deal with him day to day leaving to go and see her, or having to wonder where he is at night (when he moved out, that was the thing I missed the least!).<P>I did a lot of damage to our marriage - that doesn't excuse his affair, but it sure does explain how we got here. I have reflected on the past few years and wonder why he didn't leave before... And I have forced myself to remember other relationships I've had - and realized I've poisoned a few of them. I've probably suffered from mild depression off and on since my teens. And I have been a difficult person to live with while depressed - obsessed with being right all the time, negative, selfish and demanding - never willing to try because I was terrified of failing or losing. The last few years have been very unhappy for both of us, and neither of us considered that I might be depressed. He was in too deep and had already made his decision to leave when I finally went to the doctor and got on anti-depressants. I understand that he basically went on with his life because I wasn't going on with mine. It doesn't excuse what he did, and it doesn't lessen the pain of knowing that he is with someone else.<P>But I've read all the books - and I've read all the posts here. I've been fortunate enough to have been able to correspond privately with some of the people from this forum. Every statistic, every therapist who believes in saving marriages and most of the people here who have used MB techniques or similar ones and succeeded in saving their marriages - all have said the same thing: The betrayer will always come to the realization that he or she made a huge mistake. While some of the time frames given vary, two years seems to be the maximum that most of them use. I've been doing this for a year now - a little over a year. I also know my husband's ways - he never makes "knee jerk" decisions. He ponders and plans and decides after considering all the angles. His decision to move out was not made lightly. His decision to change his current living arrangement will not be made lightly either.<P>During this past year I have found patience I didn't know I had, but I am discovering that it is not an inexhaustible supply . I am making my decisions slowly, too, however - because I know that if I make any demands on him that he will cut off his nose to spite his face...<P>I love him very much, and I do miss him every day (some more than others, like today). It is <B>because</B> I love him that I am able to understand him (I think) and to have the patience I've had. I know that I damaged his self esteem to some extent and I can't begin to express how sorry I am about that. I have betrayed our wedding vows almost as badly as he has - my betrayal wasn't infidelity, but of not honoring him and not cherishing him as I should have.<P>Well, I have rambled on enough - need to get to sleep. I hope I've answered your question and if not, please let me know and I will attempt to answer again.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>No, I'm not a Marriage Counselor,<BR>But I did sleep at a <BR>Holiday Inn Express last night...<BR>

Terri,<P>Thank you... and to be honest, I'm not sure WHAT I asked, but this is very interesting.<P>I will look for my post that asks the question when I get home tonight. I think you DID answer my question though... <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

terri, how can i get you to give some of your love to my W, so we can get our marriage back together. i read your post and you are really either madly in love with this guy, or addicted to him. its a wonder that you are not in a nut house or something worse. HOW DO YOU DO IT? please let me know. now that im honest with my wife, she lies to me. am i supposed to keep trying, knowing thats shes lying or what. give me some advice.<BR>jerry