Hey pepper,
I appreciate your insights. I'm really trying to get things in my life in order (incl. my perspective), but it can be very difficult when your in the middle of a storm.

I agree I should be honest about my reasons for leaving, but my infatuation is not one of them. Theres just too much going on and too much that has happened to express in a forum posting. The reality is I'm dealing with a wife with:
emotional issues
mental health issues
substance abuse issues
So theres only so much I can do myself. I plan on talking to her tonight about my intentions to leave. I hope it goes well. Thanks again pepper, cat, turtle and others for taking the time to help this lost soul.

Now that you have completed your wife's inventory - let's see yours

Doing her inventory is a safe distraction from doing your own.
I know.... been there.... done that.

"I agree I should be honest about my reasons for leaving, but my infatuation is not one of them."

Spoken like a truly fogged out WS.

I hope you will have no contact with your infatuation partner, and be alone for a couple of years.

You married your wife knowing about a drinking problem and an affair. Get some counseling to figure out shy you pick your partners.

yup! I see hope here - which is why I keep pounding away ----

:happythanksgiving:

Sorry, but you just pegged my bull-poop meter.
Been there, done that myself, and know what you're feeling.

Quit your job, have NC whatsoever with OW, tell your wife of your infatuation, and throw yourself into the Harley Principles for six months - a true, honest, dedicated effort.

Your wife may or may not come on board with marriage building, and you may or may not divorce. But your reasons and the ethics behind your choices will be completely different.

Like Pep said, you have to earn the divorce.
You can't say "oh, but she has all these problems, and I can only change me, so I think I'll just ditch her..." and expect to go into any other relationship successfully.

You have to learn the tools and learn to navigate the difficult times. Once you are successful at that, if she doesn't choose to join you, THEN you will have earned your divorce.

A thought provoking question. I'll attempt to pontificate.
What am I packing?
lazness? I would say activeness. I've spent the past 2.5 years attempting reconciliation. i found out 3 month in, that my marriage was started on a lie. I took the time to try and recover.
conflict avoidance? I have attempted to resolve conflicts and keep clear and open lines of communication but this is difficult with an alcoholic.
guilt? nope
anger? yes to this, but these feeling dont easily subside and seperating may help to ease it over time.
pessimism? I would say optimism, about leaving a toxic relationship to find a healthy life
weakness? I say strength and courage to go out on my own again into the unknown.

To summarize I think after 2.5 years I gave it a good try and attempted to make things work but like I said with a wife with emotional/mental/substance issues I can only do so much myself. I think if she was willing to give up alcohol, that would go along way to helping us create the marriage we want. But her whole family drinks and I just don't see her willing to do this, even though I feel she owes it to me being that alcohol was A factor in her infidelity and has been at the root of alot of our turmoil.
Thanks

dishonesty?

I agree with you wholeheartedly. I would suggest you saying that you want to work on your marriage (if you do) but that is only possible if you give up alcohol. If she is committed enough to your M, then she will give it up.

Yes I knew she drinks, but it has gotten much worse where in the beginning it was not a big deal. I also told her before we married that I could not stay married to an alcoholic.

But please understand, I didnt know about the affair till 3 months into my marriage (great honeymoon phase huh?) If I knew I never would have married her. BUT I did and I had to decide what to do it was a tough situation. I dont take our promise before God, family and friends lightly so I believed I owed it us to to try, even though I feel my marriage started under false pretenses.

As for the no contact, that is tough because it took me years to get where I am with my company. I would hate to give that up for somebody I'm lucky to see once or twice a week and rarely get to talk to and when I do its never alone.

Sorry I forgot that one. I have been honest with her about my feelings for everything except my "crush". Just not sure its necessary to go there if she is not going to bother to give up drinking.

This could make a difference. At the beginning of your post I was thinking "This guy has a crush and now he thinks his whole marriage was bad." That's typical thinking, BTW, for someone that develops a crush. Not slamming you or anything, I've been there myself.

Maybe you *have* earned your divorce already.

What have you been doing for the past 2.5 years to attempt reconciliation, and how has it worked out? What worked, what made no difference, what failed miserably?

"I have been honest with her about my feelings for everything except my "crush". Just not sure its necessary to go there if she is not going to bother to give up drinking."

Pep, and Turtlehead, I'm going to bow out of this one. Good luck.

I think it is necessary - not for your wife - but for yourself.
All of this is for your own benefit.

Zack_ I don't have anything to offer that others have not already said. I do think giving your marriage your all, even if it is one-sided will be of great benefit to you, whether you separate or not BUT...if w will not stop drinking and you feel like you have explored all avenues to create an environment where she could stop, if she decided to, then I believe there are deal-breakers in a marriage, alcoholism being one of them. It would be so difficult to fix a marriage when one is not sober. Good luck to you.
I did want to say you are not alone in your fantasy world. My post about my fantasy man is here somewhere. If you find a way to get ow out of your head, let me know. I am struggling to clear my head of om. I will say it would be a terrible idea to go to ow and confess feelings. If anything, telling w will help diminish obessesive thoughts. I have not seen any writings/articles on here about fantasy affairs, I'd love to hear Harley's take on them. Good luck to you.

Those one-sided emotional affairs/crushes are what destroyed my marriage.

My now-xh left me because he had met this woman at work, felt sorry for her because her life as a single mom to 2 small children was so hard (excuse me...... ), he thought he could make her life easier for her despite forcing his wife and 2 small children into the same life, and he was afraid not to take this chance at happiness.

I found out about her from the secretary in his office. :twobyfour: